History men and the Coca-Cola hater - Wk8 (+ Clásico preview)

     Week eight didn't see too much change at either the top or the bottom of the table, the only shock - although it was a proper shock - was Valencia losing away to Deportivo. Though to be fair they did keep up their knack of being involved in games featuring three goals. The real action is to be awaited next week, with the arrival of the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu. Luis Suárez will expect to feature for the first time in La Liga, Messi will hope to finally equal - or beat - Telmo Zarra's all-time La Liga goalscoring record, and CR7 will aim to extend his ridiculous run of goals.
     But before all that, there was some league action to get out of the way. Barcelona eventually beat Eibar 3-0 but made heavier work of the game than they would have either wanted or expected against a resolute defence thanks to some poor finishing, and could have in fact gone in behind at the break after Ander Capa rounded Claudio Bravo only to inexplicably pull his finish wide of the unguarded net. The opening goal, when it came on the hour mark, was not scored by Messi but made by him, a delicately balanced pass dissecting the five-man defence and leaving Xavi with the task of lifting it over the 'keeper. Neymar then made the man between the sticks look very foolish thanks to his well-struck volley before history-man Messi scored his 250th Primera División

All-time top scorers; one behind Zarra

goal almost straight from kickoff. It was a typical Messi strike as he cavorted with tiny, whirling legs like a cartoon mouse through the fringes of the defence before playing a neat one-two with his strike partner and unerringly burying the ball in the far post. Nonetheless, the little man also showed a side of his characted hinted at previously by former manager Pep Guardiola, later refusing Luis Enrique's instructions to come off. This is the side of the man many in the #teamMessi camp try to gloss over, arguing that Ronaldo is the only selfish, petulant one. Books and their covers.
     For his part, CR7 continued his phenomenal scoring run, notching his 14th and 15th of the season in the 5-0 win at Levante - the first a penalty at a nice height that the 'keeper should have done better with, and the second coming just after the hour mark. Between these, Chicharito scored his third goal in all-white via the crossbar with a horribly mis-hit header, followed by James Rodríguez, with a fabulous chest and volley, and Isco making their marks. I don't know what goes on in the Madrid changing room (though unluckily I have a furtive imagination), but I reckon Ronaldo will not have been happy with Isco for planting the ball into the top corner from the edge of the box instead of passing to the unmarked Portuguese goal-eater to his right. No matter, CR7 still beat a 71-year record with his 15 goals in seven games averaging 2.14 per match, better than Esteban Echevarria's 14 in seven way back in 1943. The exciting thing, apart from being bang on form at exactly the right time, is that CR7 could well be on his way to beating Messi's record of 50 league goals in a season, barring injury. To be fair, he's never even injured anymore anyway.
     Real's victory moved them up to third thanks to Valencia's massive slip-up and first defeat of the season at the Riazor. This really was one game where the form book was well and truly ripped up. Los Che were looking good, hanging onto the shirttails of Barcelona in the Champions League spots atop the Primera División and had only dropped points twice all season, whereas Depor's solitary victory of the season came against fellow promoted side Eibar back in Week 3. The opening goal was freaky - not to be confused with the Spanish friki. Less than a month after scoring his first goal as a professional, José Gayá chalked up his first own-goal on Sunday. A devilish corner was bearded

Do not show this
to Lucas Pérez

into the box by Haris Medunjanin and headed goalwards only for the unfortunate left-back on the post to knock it just over the line with his arm after it rebounded off the inside of the stanchion. Well spotted by the linesman too, might I add. Coca-Cola hater Lucas Pérez doubled Depor's lead before halftime by racing onto a flick-on before finishing from an unseemly angle. He proceeded to demonstrate his distaste for sugary carbo-drinks by kicking the nearest Coca-Cola sign. He'd have kicked them all, given half the chance, but sanity prevailed and he went to celebrate with the fans - or at least those drinking water or orange juice. The rout was completed ten minutes from time when Toché scampered onto a beautiful through-ball to fire straight through hapless 'keeper Yoel. Luckily, by this time Pérez had been subbed off for former king Juan Carlos, and so the fans in the stands were able to triumphantly gambol about with their cans of fizzy pop, emptying them all over each other and generally creating a sticky mess. Which is why Pérez hates the stuff with such a passion in the first place.
     Sevilla managed to stay within touching distance of Barcelona courtesy of a professional win away at Elche. From just three shots on target all game against their determined hosts, Unai Emery's troops managed to bag two goals. After some pinballing around the area from a reasonably aimless freekick, Carlos 'wacky' Bacca bundled the ball over the line for the opener just before an hour had been played, with his teammates then strangely dissipating to the four separate corners of the ground to celebrate. Curious. Kévin Gameiro then made the points secure when he headed in Denis Suárez' cross just over ten minutes later, and I can happily report that the players celebrated in a more traditional manner, encroaching on their goalgetting teammate rather than running away as fast as possible. I dunno, maybe Bacca gets all Luiz Suárez-y after scoring? Who indeed can say.
     Atlético Madrid got back on track after their defeat to Valencia last time out by reverting to their original tried-and-trusted gameplan, eventually ousting Espanyol 2-0 at home. After 274 successive corners were cut out at the near post, the champions utterly bamboozled the defence with a short corner routine. Which didn't work. However, when the ball inevitably popped out of the area again it was duly slung straight back in, where Tiago rose highest to head the ball back across 'keeper Casilla (no 's') and into the bottom corner. Much huff was huffed and much puff puffed before Atleti managed to double their league in the 71st minute. Yet another corner led to much gnashing of teeth in the box before José Giménez smacked a header across goal. It may have been about to cross the line for the Uruguayan's first Atleti goal, but hometown kid Mario Suárez gleefully nipped in and took credit. Twelve Atleti players have now scored this season, so it appears they're all taking on the burden of replacing Diego Costa's goals.
     Real Sociedad's winless streak now stretches back a whole six weeks after they were defeated at home by Getafe, with a lot of help from their Star Wars star. Sociedad thought they had stolen a

Two goals for this fella

late winner thanks to youngster Pablo Hervías' first senior goal in the 82nd minute, but were cruelly denied any points whatsoever courtesy of two late, late goals from that little green man Yoda. First goal scored right on the cusp of 90, was. Calm finish too, it was, while second followed in third minute of three added on, much thanks to Sammir skill. Almería's uncertain form continued on the road at El Madrigal, where Ikechukwu Uche's second and third goals of the season for El Submarino Amarillo did for them. The goals were scored from a cumulative distance of about five yards, and he came very close to fucking up the second one completely, getting very lucky for the ball to bounce straight back to him off the 'keeper. Athletic Bilbao's European headaches continue as, even though they're one of the teams available on the demo of Pro Evolution Soccer '15, they remain winless in the league since Week 2. Things seemed to be looking up for the Basques when they took an early lead against Celta Vigo through an Aritz Aduriz penalty after a spot kick was awarded rather harshly for handball against former Barcelona yute Sergi Gómez. However, Celta Vigo have goal threats of their own, and they managed to haul themselves level when Nolito calmly tucked the ball into the corner of the net from inside the area, making it look far more straightforward than it actually was. The first game of the weekend was also the one which saw the fewest goals scored, as Granada eventually succumbed at home to Rayo Vallecano - the Madrid side collecting all three points in the 93rd minute through a strike from that "40-goal a season" wonder-forward Manucho. With his first goal for the club.
     And so attention turns to the first "Biggest Match in the World" of the season, with Barcelona visiting the Bernabéu on Saturday evening. The mad, mad goal spree Ronaldo's on comes face to face with Claudio Bravo, who is still yet to concede a solitary goal this season, while Toni Kroos, James Rodríguez, Ivan Rakitic, Jérémy Mathieu and Luis Suárez are all set to join the Barcelona 'keeper in experiencing their first taste of Clásico action. In good news for the home side, Ancelotti

More of this to come on Sat, no doubt

has confirmed that both Pepe and Sergio Ramos are fit to start at the base of the team, his eyebrow tapping out in Morse code to let the gathered reporters know he has already picked his line-up for Saturday's festivities. He didn't divulge any more, but Bale will almost definitely miss out after damaging an arse muscle - Lord only knows what monkey man's been up to. He'll almost definitely be replaced, as in the midweek stroll at Anfield, by Isco. The Andalucian looked on top form against Liverpool and will hope to keep that going into the biggest game of the season so far, although he could possibly be overlooked in favour of a more defensively-minded player. Ancelotti conceded both teams are far stronger in attack than defence and maintained that whoever attacks best will win, though his eyebrow piped up again to question why the game is kicking off at 6pm (local time), when "most people are still in the park". Methinks he's got a bit of an old-fashioned view of what people are up to. I mean kids don't even go outside any more or climb trees, do they? All with their flipping Gameboys and Tamagotchis...
     His opposite number will no doubt receive a 'warm' welcome from the partisan home crowd, with a lot of the build-up in the week focusing on 'turncoat' Luis Enrique. The main dilemma facing the former Madrid midfielder appears to be the decision whether to start with Luis Suárez or not. Messi and Neymar have finally hit it off on the pitch after a whole season playing together and the manager may be wary of introducing a new element, no matter how talented, immediately for such a big occasion. In addition, the little scrote's seriously short on game-time. On the other hand, the

All should play some part,
apart from the injured monkey boy

fact that the ratty striker hasn't played a proper game for the team yet could well play into Enrique's hands as Real Madrid won't be able to count on any scouting of how his team might line up, or what patterns of play will be employed. As here in the UK, the Spanish bookies are enjoying themselves with the return of Suárez, offering odds on who the peckish Uruguayan might nibble on first. Shortest odds, of course, are on him biting Ramos and Pepe - though I'm sure a great many attackers would admit they'd like to do the same after playing those two. Messi will surpass Telmo Zarra's all-time Primera División goalscoring record if he scores twice on Saturday, and Iniesta has said he'd "love to see the Bernabéu's reaction" if the Argentine were to achieve that feat.
     No matter what, it's sure not to be a boring game (I just pray I haven't jinxed it by saying that). So enjoy! Even if you do miss the first 15 minutes if tuning in on SkySports...

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Wayne (Bridge):
meaning;   an appliance in which foodstuffs are kept cool
example;   "Anyone need a fresh beer from the Wayne? I'm heading into the kitchen anyway."

Mark (Gower): although David can also be used on occasion
meaning;   a cubicle or bath in which a person stands under a spray of water to be washed
example;   "I'm well fucking muddy after that match. A quick Mark and I'm back off down the pub."

A running theme - Week7

     Every story worth its salt needs a good central theme running through the narrative, something to get the reader to care and keep them emotionally invested as the author takes off down numerous other tangents throughout the journey. Last season's central narrative of La Liga was Atlético usurping the Big Two and upsetting all the odds. Yes, all of them. This year, several different narratives are jostling for the main focus of the fans and viewing public. Yet again Barcelona kept a clean sheet (and won), Valencia scored three goals, Málaga had a man sent off, Córdoba didn't pick up three points and Cristiano Ronaldo scored a hattrick. The more things change the more they stay the same. No planes carrying love-notes for CR7 though, sadly. We can only hope they make cameo reappearances through the season.
     The weekend began with Getafe hosting winless and rock-bottom Córdoba at the Coliseum Alfonso Pérez. The away team had only managed to bag three goals in the six games before Friday night, but took the lead towards the end of a pretty poor game when the wonderfully-monikered Patrick Claude Ekeng Ekeng seized on a loose piece of miscontrol and powered into the area in the 78th minute. The defensive midfielder completely ignored Nabil Ghilas - who was

"Motherfuckerrrrrr!!!"

in a far better position than him - and slammed the ball across the 'keeper into the far corner. Los Califas will have to wait a while longer for their first three point haul though after the on-loan Baba Diawara stole in ahead of the defence to capitalise on a lovely volleyed pass from Sergio Escudero. The Córdoba players looked in vain to the linesman for an offside flag, while manager Albert Ferrer lost it on the touchline, slamming his bottle of water to the ground and yelling an obscenity. Frankly, we don't see that enough from managers nowadays if you ask me. 'Arry Redknapp could learn a thing or twelve.
     The biggest game on Saturday saw Atlético visit the Mestalla to take on high-flying Valencia. The reigning champions had yet to lose a game this season as they hunted to stay on the shirttails of the Barcelona juggernaut but they imploded in a big way here. Before the game was a quarter of an hour old Cholo Simeone's troops found themselves 3-0 down. Miranda has scored a large percentage of Atleti's goals this season, but he will be eager to forget about the most recent as he calamitously notched at the wrong end to put los Che 1-0 up in just the sixth minute. A nothing ball towards no-one from Everton reject and World Cup 2014 winner Shkrodan Mustafi was set to be gathered by Atleti 'keeper Miguel Ángel Moyà before Miranda stole in to head past his teammate. It seems Cholo's trained the big Brazilian to score so naturally that he does it at every opportunity; there's really no other explanation for his brainfart otherwise. The capital team went for it straight from the resulting kickoff, but instead found themselves two down within a matter of seconds, André Gomes finishing powerfully through the legs of Moyà after waltzing through various powderpuff challenges. One can only imagine what Cholo would've liked to do to his players after those 120 seconds as the cameras cut to his highly unimpressed fizzog on the touchline, barely-concealed rage bubbling close to the surface. I'll bet his players wished he was still banned from the touchline after they were then undone by one of their own tactics on 13 minutes, Nicolás Otamendi being left completely unmarked to slam home a header from countryman Pablo Piatti's inswinging corner. Mario Mandzukic, now sans mask, pulled back a consolation for Atleti on the half hour mark, nutting the ball in the net after Valencia 'keeper Diego Alves spilled a shot from Tiago in front of the looming striker. The game could've been different had the referee awarded Atleti a penalty for handball soon after,

Even the ref wants to celebrate with him

but in truth Alves would've probably saved it anyway. He got his chance on the brink of half time though, after the ref relented and decided to help Cholo out with the award of a very dubious pen, for handball against José Gayá. Diego Alves is well known as a penalty specialist, but in truth my nan could've been in goal wearing a blindfold and she'd have had a 50% chance of saving Guilherme Siquera's feeble effort. Nonetheless, Alves has now saved an incredible 13 penalties in La Liga. Another player using his hands on Saturday - to markedly less good effect (less good? worse?) - was Alessio Cerci. The former Championship Manager wunderkind, already on a booking, controlled a ball on his arm to tee himself up for a goal in injury time, then tried scampering away from the referee after his attempt had been chalked off. As always happens, the long arm of the law eventually caught up with the Italian and issued him with his second yellow. Silly, silly boy. I do not envy him whatsoever, judging by the stony set to Cholo's jaw as the official blew the final whistle.
     Red cards are definitely the most prominent feature of Málaga's season this year and Saturday's Derby of eastern Andalucía against Granada was no exception with Marcos Angeleri this time pouring himself an early bath on 73 minutes. Los Boquerones had been a goal behind since the very first minute of the game, when Youssef Al-Arabi pounced on an awful attempted save by Idriss Carlos Kameni to continue his run of scoring against this opposition. He's now got five goals in his last three games against Granada's rival. The Málaga #1 raged at his defence as he retrieved the ball from his net but can only blame himself for what was a very poor imitation of goalkeeping. The hosts equalised through Roque Santa Cruz on the hour mark before former Sunderland man Angeleri received his marching orders following a professional foul 12 minutes later. The 10 men were given a lifeline just over 10 minutes from time when the referee awarded an extremely harsh penalty for handball against former Málaga man Manuel Iturra. Left-back Vitorino Antunes took a short run-up and sent the 'keeper the wrong way. I'd consider that quite a let-off.
     At Vallecas, Barcelona continued their calm dissemination of the league with a 2-0 win over Rayo Vallecano. However, the Catalan giants are obviously relying heavily on certain players to score, with the goals being shared between only six squad members. Messi and Neymar have bagged 13 of the team's 19 goals this season with Pedro, Ivan Rakitic, Sandro and Munir sharing the rest between them. Everything is still rosy at the other end though, with Claudio Bravo setting a new Primera División record in the 21st minute of this game by opening the season

Seems Bravo's gloves do have
magical powers...

without conceding a goal in the first 561 minutes of action. However, he still has some way to go to beat the record for most consecutive minutes without conceding overall, which belongs to Atlético Madrid's Abel Resino, who kept out everything thrown at him for an astonishing 1,275 consecutive minutes of league action during the 1990-91 season. Barcelona's big two up front both scored again on the weekend; the wee Argentine maestro opened the scoring in the 35th minute after chasing on to a typical Barcelona long ball from the back to dink superbly over the 'keeper, a lead that was doubled just seconds later as another long punt picked out Munir, who played in Neymar to saunter into the area and finish diagonally. Keeping up the theme of red cards, Rayo did not help themselves by finishing with nine men on the pitch after Jorge Morcillo and Javier Aquino picked up a pair of yellows each. Messi was unusually profligate during this game, but nonetheless finds himself only two goals from overtaking Telmo Zarra's Primera División all-time goalscoring record of 251. LFP president Javier Tebas aims to honour the occasion when the Flea finally manages this feat - even if that happens to be when Barça take on Real Madrid in the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu on October 25. Possibly disregarding Real Madrid fans' obvious feelings on the matter, Tebas said; "Why should we not honour Messi at the Bernabéu? The league cannot overlook Messi. He deserves a tribute, we have to do something (for him)."
     Real Madrid finally moved into the top four on Sunday with a 5-0 demolition of Athletic Bilbao. The visitors are on abject form this season, not helped by the rigours of European football, but such was the dominance of Madrid's attacking talents that most sides would have crumbled in similar fashion. Cristiano Ronaldo scored his third hattrick in the last four La Liga

Ronaldo - honk honk

games and in so doing moved level with legends Alfredo di Stéfano and Telmo Zarra in scoring three or more Primera División goals on 22 occasions. The third was slightly fortunate as the ball appeared to strike the Portuguese's elbow to wrongfoot Gorka Iraizoz, but CR7 wheeled away to celebrate regardless by pretending to honk the tits of a 10-foot tall giantess as he periodically does. The other two were scored by Karim Benzema, and a couple were set up once more by newly-anointed Welsh Footballer of the Year 2014 Gareth Bale, the fourth time he has picked up the gong in the past five years - which sees him overtake clueless manager Mark Hughes and Yossi Benayoun enthusiast John Hartson in one fell swoop. Iker Casillas retained his position betwixt the sticks for this game, but debates about his suitability as #1 are taking place on a national as well as club level, with many calling on David de Gea to be given the gloves for La Furia Roja. San Iker has shouldered a lot of the blame for Spain's shock 2-1 defeat against Slovakia after he was deceived by the slightest movement in the air for the first goal, although what gets quickly forgotten is that he pulled off an amazing save just minutes before that disaster, throwing out a paw to bat away a close-range shot when he was going the other way. Such is the thankless life of the goalkeeper, I suppose.
     Deportivo remain stone bottom of the league after travelling the length of the country only to be schooled 4-1 at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán by Sevilla. Coconut-headed emotional basketcase Stéphane Mbia even managed to bag a brace - and you know things aren't going your way if that happens against you. The man with the smallest waist in Spanish football marked both by going into some sort of fit - either that or it was some idiot savant kind of attempt at the Macarena. Whatever, the man needs to work out his celebrations if he's going to keep scoring while he's in

Mbia - haring off to celebrate with
awful 'moves'

Spain. You don't get anywhere with half-hearted attempts. Thanking God/Allah/Buddah/Sepp Blatter? That's just fine. Cartoonishly groping giant invisible womens' breasts? Knock yerself out. Having every member of your team walk the entire length of the pitch to pat you on the head? Hm, I'll allow it, Barca, but must. work. harder. Haris Medunjanin ensured his beard got another weekend's airing in the match highlights by equalising through a nicely crafted free kick on the half hour before Carlos Bacca stopped running the wrong way just long enough to drill the ball home before the first half came to a close. Mbia's second attempt at dancing then followed just before the hour mark, before Vitolo nearly managed to miss even though no-one was near him and the 'keeper was already on his arse in the goalmouth. Still, at least his miscued blast went in, unlike Carlos Bacca's weak-ass penalty a few minutes later which, although placed low and towards the corner of the goal, was saved by the Argentinean Germán Lux.
     In the rest of the games, there were some 1,000 empty seats (about a fifth of the stadium) for the riproaring 3-3 draw between Eibar and Levante which the home team levelled in the very last minute through the endeavour of Federico Piovaccari after conceding in just the second minute. In pissing down conditions, the game also saw clearly the best goal of the weekend and an early contender for goal of the season, Saúl smashing home on the volley from the edge of the area after being teed up from a free kick. Staying in the north, Celta Vigo had the first loss of the season imposed on them by Villarreal at Balaídos, Moi Gómez scoring two in two first half minutes just after the half hour. Vigo pulled one back through Joaquín Larrivey but had Andreu Fontas sent off before Mario wrapped the game up with a tap-in in injury time. The only thing to note from the 2-2 draw between Almería and Elche was the awful decision-making on show; from the defenders, the goalkeepers and the ref. Really, 'twas quite amateur.
     There now follows a week's break while the players go and meet up with their friends for international footballings. I myself shall be using this time to jet to Warsaw to take in the Poland games against Germany and Scotchland. I've assured the missus there should be no trouble in the first game - after all, it's not as if Poland and Germany have any history, is it?

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Rodney (Marsh):
meaning;   cruel, disagreeable, severe
example;  "The ref game him a second yellow for his goal celebration? That's well Rodney."

Damien (Duff):
meaning;   incubating a child for nine months
example;  "I told him to use protection but he didn't listen and now he's got her up the Damien."