History men and the Coca-Cola hater - Wk8 (+ Clásico preview)

     Week eight didn't see too much change at either the top or the bottom of the table, the only shock - although it was a proper shock - was Valencia losing away to Deportivo. Though to be fair they did keep up their knack of being involved in games featuring three goals. The real action is to be awaited next week, with the arrival of the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu. Luis Suárez will expect to feature for the first time in La Liga, Messi will hope to finally equal - or beat - Telmo Zarra's all-time La Liga goalscoring record, and CR7 will aim to extend his ridiculous run of goals.
     But before all that, there was some league action to get out of the way. Barcelona eventually beat Eibar 3-0 but made heavier work of the game than they would have either wanted or expected against a resolute defence thanks to some poor finishing, and could have in fact gone in behind at the break after Ander Capa rounded Claudio Bravo only to inexplicably pull his finish wide of the unguarded net. The opening goal, when it came on the hour mark, was not scored by Messi but made by him, a delicately balanced pass dissecting the five-man defence and leaving Xavi with the task of lifting it over the 'keeper. Neymar then made the man between the sticks look very foolish thanks to his well-struck volley before history-man Messi scored his 250th Primera División

All-time top scorers; one behind Zarra

goal almost straight from kickoff. It was a typical Messi strike as he cavorted with tiny, whirling legs like a cartoon mouse through the fringes of the defence before playing a neat one-two with his strike partner and unerringly burying the ball in the far post. Nonetheless, the little man also showed a side of his characted hinted at previously by former manager Pep Guardiola, later refusing Luis Enrique's instructions to come off. This is the side of the man many in the #teamMessi camp try to gloss over, arguing that Ronaldo is the only selfish, petulant one. Books and their covers.
     For his part, CR7 continued his phenomenal scoring run, notching his 14th and 15th of the season in the 5-0 win at Levante - the first a penalty at a nice height that the 'keeper should have done better with, and the second coming just after the hour mark. Between these, Chicharito scored his third goal in all-white via the crossbar with a horribly mis-hit header, followed by James Rodríguez, with a fabulous chest and volley, and Isco making their marks. I don't know what goes on in the Madrid changing room (though unluckily I have a furtive imagination), but I reckon Ronaldo will not have been happy with Isco for planting the ball into the top corner from the edge of the box instead of passing to the unmarked Portuguese goal-eater to his right. No matter, CR7 still beat a 71-year record with his 15 goals in seven games averaging 2.14 per match, better than Esteban Echevarria's 14 in seven way back in 1943. The exciting thing, apart from being bang on form at exactly the right time, is that CR7 could well be on his way to beating Messi's record of 50 league goals in a season, barring injury. To be fair, he's never even injured anymore anyway.
     Real's victory moved them up to third thanks to Valencia's massive slip-up and first defeat of the season at the Riazor. This really was one game where the form book was well and truly ripped up. Los Che were looking good, hanging onto the shirttails of Barcelona in the Champions League spots atop the Primera División and had only dropped points twice all season, whereas Depor's solitary victory of the season came against fellow promoted side Eibar back in Week 3. The opening goal was freaky - not to be confused with the Spanish friki. Less than a month after scoring his first goal as a professional, José Gayá chalked up his first own-goal on Sunday. A devilish corner was bearded

Do not show this
to Lucas Pérez

into the box by Haris Medunjanin and headed goalwards only for the unfortunate left-back on the post to knock it just over the line with his arm after it rebounded off the inside of the stanchion. Well spotted by the linesman too, might I add. Coca-Cola hater Lucas Pérez doubled Depor's lead before halftime by racing onto a flick-on before finishing from an unseemly angle. He proceeded to demonstrate his distaste for sugary carbo-drinks by kicking the nearest Coca-Cola sign. He'd have kicked them all, given half the chance, but sanity prevailed and he went to celebrate with the fans - or at least those drinking water or orange juice. The rout was completed ten minutes from time when Toché scampered onto a beautiful through-ball to fire straight through hapless 'keeper Yoel. Luckily, by this time Pérez had been subbed off for former king Juan Carlos, and so the fans in the stands were able to triumphantly gambol about with their cans of fizzy pop, emptying them all over each other and generally creating a sticky mess. Which is why Pérez hates the stuff with such a passion in the first place.
     Sevilla managed to stay within touching distance of Barcelona courtesy of a professional win away at Elche. From just three shots on target all game against their determined hosts, Unai Emery's troops managed to bag two goals. After some pinballing around the area from a reasonably aimless freekick, Carlos 'wacky' Bacca bundled the ball over the line for the opener just before an hour had been played, with his teammates then strangely dissipating to the four separate corners of the ground to celebrate. Curious. Kévin Gameiro then made the points secure when he headed in Denis Suárez' cross just over ten minutes later, and I can happily report that the players celebrated in a more traditional manner, encroaching on their goalgetting teammate rather than running away as fast as possible. I dunno, maybe Bacca gets all Luiz Suárez-y after scoring? Who indeed can say.
     Atlético Madrid got back on track after their defeat to Valencia last time out by reverting to their original tried-and-trusted gameplan, eventually ousting Espanyol 2-0 at home. After 274 successive corners were cut out at the near post, the champions utterly bamboozled the defence with a short corner routine. Which didn't work. However, when the ball inevitably popped out of the area again it was duly slung straight back in, where Tiago rose highest to head the ball back across 'keeper Casilla (no 's') and into the bottom corner. Much huff was huffed and much puff puffed before Atleti managed to double their league in the 71st minute. Yet another corner led to much gnashing of teeth in the box before José Giménez smacked a header across goal. It may have been about to cross the line for the Uruguayan's first Atleti goal, but hometown kid Mario Suárez gleefully nipped in and took credit. Twelve Atleti players have now scored this season, so it appears they're all taking on the burden of replacing Diego Costa's goals.
     Real Sociedad's winless streak now stretches back a whole six weeks after they were defeated at home by Getafe, with a lot of help from their Star Wars star. Sociedad thought they had stolen a

Two goals for this fella

late winner thanks to youngster Pablo Hervías' first senior goal in the 82nd minute, but were cruelly denied any points whatsoever courtesy of two late, late goals from that little green man Yoda. First goal scored right on the cusp of 90, was. Calm finish too, it was, while second followed in third minute of three added on, much thanks to Sammir skill. Almería's uncertain form continued on the road at El Madrigal, where Ikechukwu Uche's second and third goals of the season for El Submarino Amarillo did for them. The goals were scored from a cumulative distance of about five yards, and he came very close to fucking up the second one completely, getting very lucky for the ball to bounce straight back to him off the 'keeper. Athletic Bilbao's European headaches continue as, even though they're one of the teams available on the demo of Pro Evolution Soccer '15, they remain winless in the league since Week 2. Things seemed to be looking up for the Basques when they took an early lead against Celta Vigo through an Aritz Aduriz penalty after a spot kick was awarded rather harshly for handball against former Barcelona yute Sergi Gómez. However, Celta Vigo have goal threats of their own, and they managed to haul themselves level when Nolito calmly tucked the ball into the corner of the net from inside the area, making it look far more straightforward than it actually was. The first game of the weekend was also the one which saw the fewest goals scored, as Granada eventually succumbed at home to Rayo Vallecano - the Madrid side collecting all three points in the 93rd minute through a strike from that "40-goal a season" wonder-forward Manucho. With his first goal for the club.
     And so attention turns to the first "Biggest Match in the World" of the season, with Barcelona visiting the Bernabéu on Saturday evening. The mad, mad goal spree Ronaldo's on comes face to face with Claudio Bravo, who is still yet to concede a solitary goal this season, while Toni Kroos, James Rodríguez, Ivan Rakitic, Jérémy Mathieu and Luis Suárez are all set to join the Barcelona 'keeper in experiencing their first taste of Clásico action. In good news for the home side, Ancelotti

More of this to come on Sat, no doubt

has confirmed that both Pepe and Sergio Ramos are fit to start at the base of the team, his eyebrow tapping out in Morse code to let the gathered reporters know he has already picked his line-up for Saturday's festivities. He didn't divulge any more, but Bale will almost definitely miss out after damaging an arse muscle - Lord only knows what monkey man's been up to. He'll almost definitely be replaced, as in the midweek stroll at Anfield, by Isco. The Andalucian looked on top form against Liverpool and will hope to keep that going into the biggest game of the season so far, although he could possibly be overlooked in favour of a more defensively-minded player. Ancelotti conceded both teams are far stronger in attack than defence and maintained that whoever attacks best will win, though his eyebrow piped up again to question why the game is kicking off at 6pm (local time), when "most people are still in the park". Methinks he's got a bit of an old-fashioned view of what people are up to. I mean kids don't even go outside any more or climb trees, do they? All with their flipping Gameboys and Tamagotchis...
     His opposite number will no doubt receive a 'warm' welcome from the partisan home crowd, with a lot of the build-up in the week focusing on 'turncoat' Luis Enrique. The main dilemma facing the former Madrid midfielder appears to be the decision whether to start with Luis Suárez or not. Messi and Neymar have finally hit it off on the pitch after a whole season playing together and the manager may be wary of introducing a new element, no matter how talented, immediately for such a big occasion. In addition, the little scrote's seriously short on game-time. On the other hand, the

All should play some part,
apart from the injured monkey boy

fact that the ratty striker hasn't played a proper game for the team yet could well play into Enrique's hands as Real Madrid won't be able to count on any scouting of how his team might line up, or what patterns of play will be employed. As here in the UK, the Spanish bookies are enjoying themselves with the return of Suárez, offering odds on who the peckish Uruguayan might nibble on first. Shortest odds, of course, are on him biting Ramos and Pepe - though I'm sure a great many attackers would admit they'd like to do the same after playing those two. Messi will surpass Telmo Zarra's all-time Primera División goalscoring record if he scores twice on Saturday, and Iniesta has said he'd "love to see the Bernabéu's reaction" if the Argentine were to achieve that feat.
     No matter what, it's sure not to be a boring game (I just pray I haven't jinxed it by saying that). So enjoy! Even if you do miss the first 15 minutes if tuning in on SkySports...

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Wayne (Bridge):
meaning;   an appliance in which foodstuffs are kept cool
example;   "Anyone need a fresh beer from the Wayne? I'm heading into the kitchen anyway."

Mark (Gower): although David can also be used on occasion
meaning;   a cubicle or bath in which a person stands under a spray of water to be washed
example;   "I'm well fucking muddy after that match. A quick Mark and I'm back off down the pub."

Massive week for Madrid in League & Cup

     All the way through, as the weeks and months racked up with his team still in pole position, Cholo Simeone argued they wouldn't be able to win it. Everyone agreed. There was no way Atlético Madrid would be able to stay the course and prise La Liga from the monied grip of the Real Madrid-Barcelona duopoly. Then results started to falter - for all three teams. Real were first to lose touch; three games without a win and they were out of the race even if they won on the last day (and they did, 3-1). Barcelona had drawn two in a row ahead of the final game of the season but still had the title within their grasp - all they had to do was beat Atleti and they'd win the league. At home. In front of a packed Camp Nou with just 447 away fans shunted precariously up in the heavens. Atleti had also faltered; no wins in the last two games, draws becoming easier to come by than wins. However, just one more draw would secure their first title since 1996, when Cholo was out on the pitch rather than in the dugout, and the omens were good - they hadn't lost to Barca in five meetings already this season.

The lucky 447

     Barcelona had been looking shaky of late, the positive results they did pick up coming courtesy of strange own-goals and lucky let-offs. They did not look far better in front of their partisan home crowd on Saturday either but were handed a massive boost when both Diego Costa and Arda Turan had to come off injured before the game was 25 minutes old. With Atleti's star players tear-struck on the bench, Barcelona proceeded to take the lead in emphatic style with an audacious, barnstorming goal from the otherwise bland-as-light mayonnaise Alexis Sánchez. The Chilean received a knock-down from the sluggish-looking Messi in the area just after the half-hour mark and blasted the ball past La Liga goalkeeper of the season Thibaut Courtois from an acute angle into the roof of the net. No-one on earth could've stopped that strike, not even the Zamora winner. However, despite getting their noses in front Barcelona never really looked like extending their lead and became increasingly frustrated, typified by both alleged World Cup enthusiast Messi and man-rat experiment Sergio Busquets being booked at half time for dissent.

Godín goal

     I couldn't say for sure what Simeone told his team at half-time but I'm positive it involved swearing. A lot of swearing. Whatever he said, it had the desired effect as Atleti equalised within 5 minutes of the restart. They could have actually scored even before that as they lay siege to pirate Pinto's goal straight from kick-off, but eventually pulled level when Diego Godín launched himself skywards and smacked a header past the despairing 'keeper from a Gabi corner. The few hundred Atleti fans in the stands went berserk while (most of) the rest of the country prayed for the result to stay this way. They all will have had their hearts in their mouths when Messi did find the net, but the diminutive Argentine was flagged offside, calming fears of nationwide palpitations.

     Pipped to the league by that solitary equalising goal, it has to be said the fans in Camp Nou were magnanimous in defeat. At the final whistle all sides of the stadium rose and applauded the victors, sensing the fact they had seen the culmination of something special. The match may not have proved a classic, but the season definitely was. And hey, at least the Madrid they'd lost the title to was Atético and not Real, right? In Marca, the only Barcelona player to receive a half-decent rating was the possibly-outgoing Javier Mascherano who was awarded 6.5 out of 10. Iniesta got 5.5, Pedrito got 4 and Messi got 3. Conversely, every single Atleti player was scored as either a 9 or a 10 with the exception of Costa and Turan, both of whom got 7s. OK, this is Marca we're talking about and the markings, while way over-egged, are not to be unexpected.

The Atleti-dominated team of the season

The performance typified Atleti's entire season; their team ethic, their determination and their leader on the sidelines, the man who played for Atlético both when they'd last won the championship and when they re-emerged from the purgatory of the Segunda División in 2003. Just to reiterate the point, seven Atleti players made the Liga BBVA team of the season; Courtois, Filipe Luis, Godín, Juanfran, Gabi, Koke and Diego Costa. No Barcelona players whatsoever were included while Real Madrid's only representative was CR7, who also claimed the Pichichi trophy. Ander Iturraspe and Aymeric Laporte of Athletic Bilbao also made the cut, as did Sevilla's highly impressive Croatian Ivan Rakitić, who in my opinion was the player of the season outright and now looks set to be bombarded with offers of heavy bags of money from Real Madrid over the summer.
     At the final whistle Cholo was enveloped in a bear hug by Germán 'Mono' Burgos, the ever-expanding former Atleti keeper, finally being disgorged to display a wide, almost manic smile. After repeatedly denying his team could do it, they'd finally done it. Nothing could dampen the Argentine manager's spirits. When it emerged that the team would not be presented with the league title trophy because Ángel María Villar, the president of the Spanish Football Federation, was unable to attend the match, Simeone smiled again and said "that doesn't matter, they can't take it off us". No, Cholo, they cannot indeed.

All whores free!!!

Despite the absence of the league trophy, reportedly over 200,000 Colchoneros turned out in Madrid for the title procession. The city was painted white and red, where it is historically more used to being painted simply white. They lined the route for miles, perched on any vantage point they could find or riding alongside on mopeds, and the parade eventually culminated at the Fountain of Neptune, which has seen a lot more action in recent years than its counterpart a short walk away at Cibeles. They partied well into the night, and some of the players promised they would be back in a week's time to celebrate victory over la Real in the Champions League final as well. Many partied well into the night in Valencia too, although some were working overtime: brothel D'Angelo Palace had taken out an advert in the paper during the week promising "If Atlético Madrid win the league, all whores free!!!", as well as offering free drinks during the game itself. I imagine the owner will have been left feeling bruised the next day. Not half as much as his employees though...

     In the aftermath of Atleti's victory, Tata Martino bade goodbye to the team, stepping down after admitting it had been 'a privilege' to be part of the set-up at Barcelona. He was replaced with Real Madrid turncoat Luis Enrique. I can see the sense in the move; it's similar to when they appointed Pep Guardiola to the role. Before leaving for first-team manager positions elsewhere, Enrique had been the Barca B coach. The first team is widely accepted to be in need of a revamp or overhaul, and he will know the players coming through now from his time with them when they were younger. Not many will know better than he who, if any, of them is poised or able to become the next Xavi, Puyol etc. Plus he'll add another extra niggle to next season's Clásicos.

     Saturday afternoon brings the game of the season outside of La Liga, with two of the very best teams in the league facing each other in a one-off encounter. To the victor go the spoils and the glory. But enough about QPR at Wembley as they prepare to take on Derby, Saturday also sees Real Madrid take on Atlético Madrid in the Champions League final. As has been pointed out before, this is the first ever final between two teams from the same city. Real are still chasing la Décima, their tenth European Cup, while Atleti are playing for their first. Los Rojiblancos have reached the final just once before, in 1974 when they lost 4-0 to Bayern Munich in a replay after drawing 1-1 after extra time in the first game.

Costa & Turan; both hairy and important

     Atleti's biggest injury concern is over star Brazilian Spanish striker Diego Costa and European beard-champion Arda Turan. The influential pair were back to training with a football by early Thursday afternoon before joining the main group for a short while, but remain touch and go for the final. Costa had previously flown to Serbia for special horse placenta treatment. Well you would, wouldn't you? I know he's liable to try anything to make sure he plays in the biggest game of his career, but surely this doctor's taking him for a ride?
     As CR7 and Bale both seem to have recovered sufficiently from their injuries, Real's major doubt rests with Pepe; the central defender has formed a formidable double-act with Sergio Ramos in the centre of defence. As well as being one of the best partnerships in the modern game, they must also Shirley be the most despised bar none. Nevertheless for all the cheating, handstamping, diving, whining, attempted murders and more diving, Pepe is a class defender on his day and would be missed by Ancelotti. The Italian's eyebrow need not leap into a dance of frustration just yet though, as youngster Raphaël Varane could regain fitness in time to deputise. The Frenchman was brilliant last season but has found it difficult to disrupt the Pepe/Ramos axis of evil this time round. If he starts, lump on him for the first goal - there's my tip. Karim Benzema is expected to start after recovering from injury.

Alonso: out

Xabi Alonso, however, will definitely miss out after needlessly collecting a second booking in the semi-final second-leg with his team 4-0 up on aggregate. This rule should definitely be scrapped - the only reason a player should miss the final of any competition, apart from injury or just being John Terry, should be a red card in the previous match. Finals are showcase events and supporters and spectators - sorry FIFA, consumers - want to see the best players out there. Minor rant over.

     As a seperate nice touch, Atlético's specially-made shirts for the final will carry the name of deceased club legend Luis Aragonés inside the collar. The man who Cholo said he could feel defending with the team in the closing stages against Barcelona last week is a massive part of the history of los Colchoneros having played with great distinction for the club for a decade. Despite being best known on these shores solely for his negro de mierda comments about World Cup cheat Thierry Henry to José Antonio Reyes ahead of an international game, Aragonés has the seventh-most appearances for Atleti, with 372, and is the club's all-time top scorer with 173 goals. He also managed the club over four separate spells totalling 17 years, helping the team escape the Seguna División in his last spell. He also set the Spanish international team on its way to winning absolutely everything.

     I apologise that this post wasn't as in-depth a look at either the big game last week or the upcoming Champions League final on Saturday as I would've liked, but I've been looking forward to watching QPR at Wembley all week - I can't really concentrate on anything else. The scheduling also means I either won't watch the Champions League final at all, or may watch it and not remember a great deal, depending on the Rangers result! So the next post may be on something completely unrelated. Soz. I promise to make up for it with a good 'un though, scouts honour :P

Charlie, Charlie Charlie,
Charlie Charlie,
Charlie Charlie Austin!!

Week 36 - Second winds and suplexes

     If the top three in La Liga were marathon runners, Week 36 was the point in the race at which they suffered a collective sugar crash and hit the wall.

     None of them has held a massively convincing lead all season long, with all three swapping places periodically. Atlético have been leading for a while now, having won nine in a row since the 2-2 draw with Real, and are in control of pole position as the trio enter the athletics stadium for the final 400m of the marathon. No-one gave the capital's second club even the slightest hope of figuring in the race for first at the start of the season and although it would still represent great work to finish even third, so close to the incomparable riches of Barcelona and Real Madrid, Cholo Simeone would be absolutely sickened to see his team falter now and lose what they've fought so hard for all season. So would every single neutral fan in the world (I did a survey).
     Much to the dismay of neutrals across the galaxy, los Colchoneros dropped 3 massive points on Sunday and were caught up by Barcelona and Real Madrid. However the dream remains alive as their rivals only managed to pull Atleti back by a solitary point after both drew in the 92nd minute, one scoring at that point and the other conceding. This was the first time all season the top three had dropped points on the same weekend; on such margins are leagues won, lost and misplaced. The three results mean Atlético still have the title in their own hands and are favourites with just two games remaining, but it is anyone's guess as to who can blast through the pain barrier in the mad final dash to the finish line and claim the league trophy.

'Tito, always eternal'

     Barcelona were up first out of the top three this weekend, hosting relegation-haunted Getafe at Camp Nou. Los Culés have had to re-evaluate what they consider a walkover this season, and playing the team joint third from bottom no longer counts as such. The club unveiled a massive banner dedicated to Tito Vilanova before kickoff, but the team were unable to honour their former manager in the way they would have wanted. Barça posted their usual numbers with regards to possession and passes but yet again it was the final score that mattered most, the home team conceding in the 92nd minute. Twice they had led, though Messi and Alexis Sánchez, and twice they were pegged back level by the not-normally prolific Ángel Lafita.

Real legend vs Real traitor

     After the game Getafe manager Cosmin Contra stated his belief that his team can stay in the Primera if they continue to play "with such spirit," but despite being unbeaten in three games his team will need others to play worse than them as they are only a point above the relegation zone and have Valencia up next. The subject of much discussion in Catalunya at present is the identity of the next Barcelona manager as the word is that the club will say ta-ta to Tata once this season is finally over. Real Madrid turncoat Luis Enrique appears to be favourite after he was spotted meeting Azulgrana director of football and former teammate Andoni Zubuzarreta at the start of the week, but Celta Vigo are doing their darndest to hold onto him. Other speculation has alleged the team is chasing current Athletic Bilbao coach Ernesto Valverde.

     The result at Camp Nou meant Altético Madrid had the chance to streak ahead of Barcelona on the final corner of the marathon before the home straight and dash Blaugrana hopes in the title challenge, but they too stuttered. Although left-back Filipe Luis scored an unfortunate own-goal after only 7 minutes, the real author of Alteti's downfall was Levante 'keeper Keylor Navas, who had another stupendous game in the face of 23 shots from los Colchoneros (8 on target). The Costa Rican has been in rich form recently and a video emerged of him this week saving tennis balls shot at him at 160km by pro tennis player Pablo Andújar. David Barral doubled Levante's lead midway through the second half following a sweet one-two with Víctor Casadesús, but it had long since been apparent that Atleti wouldn't be able to knock down the wall called Keylor.

No bananas to make a light-hearted
but serious point this time

     After the game Cholo Simeone opined that the loss was "the best thing that could have happened to us", while Levante goalscorer Barral apologised to Atlético fans and defended that his team "wanted to win the match; not fuck the league up for anybody". Despite the league leaders dropping points at the Estadi Ciutat de València, the main talking point after the match was, yet again, racism. Levante midfield crusher Pape Diop heard monkey chants emanating from the away end throughout the game, and eventually did a monkey dance in response. By this time, with his team leading, a few Atleti players close by thought he was doing a victory dance in front of their fans and ran over to remonstrate with him. One of the main peace-makers following the unsightly set-to that developed was Diego Costa - a man usually more comfortable in the role of antagonist - who had spotted what had gone on. The TV cameras also spotted what had gone on, and caught an Atético fan taunting Diop, jumping from side to side with hands under his armpits. It remains to be seen what, if any, action the LFP takes. After the game, Diop explained "they called me a monkey, so I turned and imitated a monkey. I'm tired of racism in football, and there's a lot of it." The midfielder went on to say "I'm not sure if it's racism or a lack of respect, but they've got to stop the monkey chants."

     After Barcelona's last-minute draw and Atleti's defeat, Real Madrid could have put themselves in a much better position ahead of the last two weekends of action but seemingly staggered when trying to overtake their rivals on the outside of that final turn in the title race. Los Blancos had their most difficult remaining match on Sunday night, hosting Valencia at the Bernabéu, and knew that if they won they'd leapfrog Barcelona and be 3 points behind their cross-town rivals with a game in hand.

Haiiiii-yah!!

     After the taxing task of thrashing Bayern Munich in midweek, Ancelotti's eyebrow decided to rest a few players, with the likes of Marcelo, Varane and Illarramendi starting. Valencia took the lead just before half-time through Jeremie Mathieu but Real equalised through Sergio Ramos' third headed goal in a week. Permanently dopey-faced QPR-reject Dani Parejo put the visitors back in front and Brazilian 'keeper extraordinaire Diego Alves managed to keep the white hordes at bay right up to the very end when Di María's cross found Cristiano Ronaldo in the area. The Portuguese span on a sixpence, turned and ninja-kicked the ball into the net. Bruce Lee eat your heart out.

Betis - getting there eventually

     Down at the bottom, already-relegated Betis lost in the 94th minute to nearly-relegated Almería in the seemingly-weekly Andalusian derby. If these two were taking part in the same marathon as the top three they'd both be raising money and coming along just 'for the fun'; Almería dressed in a massive and overly sweaty donkey outfit and Real Betis turning up in a deep-sea diving suit, eventually finishing the course a week after everyone else. This result could prove the energy drink that boosts los Rojiblancos' chances of survival after a completely unmarked Ramon Azeez headed a 94th-minute winner, sparking a mini pitch invasion.
     Above Betis but below Getafe and Almería in the two remaining relegation spots are Osasuna and Real Valladolid. Osasuna look to be on a bit of a downer after being sunk by a Nolito brace at home to Celta Vigo while la Pucela beat Espanyol 1-0 to draw level on 35 points. Granada moved 3 points above the relegation zone with a 1-1 draw at Real Sociedad, secured with a 93rd minute Odion Ighalo strike. Elche kept space between themselves and the drop thanks to a 1-0 win at Málaga courtesy of a Garry Rodrigues goal 11 minutes in. In all seriousness the league should be wrapped up come the weekend as Atlético play Málaga. The boys in blue and white may as well not bother turning up, so absolutely shameful has their form been. They're 5 points clear of the drop but will only be safe thanks to others' screw-ups, rather than through any iota of effort on their own part, manager Berndt Schuster saying he didn't recognise some of the players on the pitch on the weekend. To complete the round-up, Athletic Bilbao secured a Champions League spot for next season thanks to a 3-0 win over Rayo Vallecano allied to a Sevilla 0-0 draw at home to Villarreal.


     The compact nature of the standings in Liga Adelante, as well as the fact that anyone can beat almost anyone else on any given day, mean the lower division resembles not so much a marathon as a royal rumble wrestling match. With less spandex. And less homoerotic undertones. But probably just as much diving.

One happier with the result than t'other

     Current leaders Deportivo de La Coruña are losing form at exactly the wrong time, possibly tiring from being in the centre of the ring for so long. They drew 2-2 away at local rivals CD Lugo after leading 2-0 through first-half goals from Diego Ifrán and Pablo Insua before the home team hit back through a Vincenzo Rennella brace. The Italian's second came 5 minutes from time thanks to a complete brain-fart from the Depor defence; a free kick causing all sorts of problems and ending with 'keeper Germán Lux rushing out just to punch thin air before the ball nestled into the unguarded net.

     Behind Superdépor each of Eibar, Las Palmas and Real Murcia won, heaping increased pressure on the team from the north east with the gap between them now down to 2, 7 and 9 points respectively. Eibar enjoyed their trip to the islands where they defeated Mallorca 2-0, both goals coming from David Mainz in the 75th and 78th minutes. If the first was down to lazy, poor defending as the Mallorca players sat off him in the area, the second was down to...lazy, poor defending; this time 'keeper Rubén Miño not expecting the ball to pop out of a challenge at him before he meekly palmed it into the fortuitous striker's path.

Gómez and pals celebrate

     Las Palmas beat Zaragoza, who local businessman Mariano Casasnovas is supposedly preparing to buy, 2-1 at La Romareda thanks to a Vicente Gómez brace inside the first 11 minutes, the second an absolute peach. Instead of controlling a lofted through-ball from deep, the striker cheekily lofted it over the stranded Leo Franco with his left foot on the volley. A truly stupendous strike. Los Blanquillos pulled a goal back through Paco Montañés on the quarter-hour mark but couldn't force another.

     Murcia were also away, at Hércules. In addition to strengthening their own promotion hopes, los Pimentoneros added to the relegation worries of their hosts, their 3-2 victory leaving the Alicante club rock bottom. Saúl gave the visitors the lead after capitalising on possibly the weakest and most ill-advised backpass in the history of mankind from Hector Font who, to be fair to him, had only just come on. Former Barcelona and Man Citeh youth Gai Assulin equalised just before halftime, but further crass and ponderous defending allowed Murcia to bag all three points in spite of a late de Lucas consolation. Hércules by name, seemingly not by nature.

Celebrating before the equaliser...
tsk tsk

     El Toralín saw some suspect goalkeeping in a six-pointer between Ponferradina and Alavés which was won by the hosts 2-1 and leaves the visitors level with Hércules seated on the trapdoor with 41 points. Things continue to go from bad to worse for Real Madrid Castilla and one can hazard a guess that not many of this current crop will be seen at the Bernabéu anytime soon. In front of a crowd of 3,450 Castilla surrendered a 1-0 lead against Real Jaén to end the game all square; a result which favours neither team in their quests to avoid the drop.

     The result of the day was seen in the Canary Islands, where Girona did themselves a massive favour by suplexing high-flying Tenerife 1-0 with a Jandro penalty on 47 minutes after Javi Moyano was harshly adjudged to have handled in the area.

     Five games left; fifteen points up for grabs; plenty still to play for at both the top and bottom. Llllllet's get ready to rumblllllllllle!

Liga Adelante... a compact, sweaty mess