History men and the Coca-Cola hater - Wk8 (+ Clásico preview)

     Week eight didn't see too much change at either the top or the bottom of the table, the only shock - although it was a proper shock - was Valencia losing away to Deportivo. Though to be fair they did keep up their knack of being involved in games featuring three goals. The real action is to be awaited next week, with the arrival of the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu. Luis Suárez will expect to feature for the first time in La Liga, Messi will hope to finally equal - or beat - Telmo Zarra's all-time La Liga goalscoring record, and CR7 will aim to extend his ridiculous run of goals.
     But before all that, there was some league action to get out of the way. Barcelona eventually beat Eibar 3-0 but made heavier work of the game than they would have either wanted or expected against a resolute defence thanks to some poor finishing, and could have in fact gone in behind at the break after Ander Capa rounded Claudio Bravo only to inexplicably pull his finish wide of the unguarded net. The opening goal, when it came on the hour mark, was not scored by Messi but made by him, a delicately balanced pass dissecting the five-man defence and leaving Xavi with the task of lifting it over the 'keeper. Neymar then made the man between the sticks look very foolish thanks to his well-struck volley before history-man Messi scored his 250th Primera División

All-time top scorers; one behind Zarra

goal almost straight from kickoff. It was a typical Messi strike as he cavorted with tiny, whirling legs like a cartoon mouse through the fringes of the defence before playing a neat one-two with his strike partner and unerringly burying the ball in the far post. Nonetheless, the little man also showed a side of his characted hinted at previously by former manager Pep Guardiola, later refusing Luis Enrique's instructions to come off. This is the side of the man many in the #teamMessi camp try to gloss over, arguing that Ronaldo is the only selfish, petulant one. Books and their covers.
     For his part, CR7 continued his phenomenal scoring run, notching his 14th and 15th of the season in the 5-0 win at Levante - the first a penalty at a nice height that the 'keeper should have done better with, and the second coming just after the hour mark. Between these, Chicharito scored his third goal in all-white via the crossbar with a horribly mis-hit header, followed by James Rodríguez, with a fabulous chest and volley, and Isco making their marks. I don't know what goes on in the Madrid changing room (though unluckily I have a furtive imagination), but I reckon Ronaldo will not have been happy with Isco for planting the ball into the top corner from the edge of the box instead of passing to the unmarked Portuguese goal-eater to his right. No matter, CR7 still beat a 71-year record with his 15 goals in seven games averaging 2.14 per match, better than Esteban Echevarria's 14 in seven way back in 1943. The exciting thing, apart from being bang on form at exactly the right time, is that CR7 could well be on his way to beating Messi's record of 50 league goals in a season, barring injury. To be fair, he's never even injured anymore anyway.
     Real's victory moved them up to third thanks to Valencia's massive slip-up and first defeat of the season at the Riazor. This really was one game where the form book was well and truly ripped up. Los Che were looking good, hanging onto the shirttails of Barcelona in the Champions League spots atop the Primera División and had only dropped points twice all season, whereas Depor's solitary victory of the season came against fellow promoted side Eibar back in Week 3. The opening goal was freaky - not to be confused with the Spanish friki. Less than a month after scoring his first goal as a professional, José Gayá chalked up his first own-goal on Sunday. A devilish corner was bearded

Do not show this
to Lucas Pérez

into the box by Haris Medunjanin and headed goalwards only for the unfortunate left-back on the post to knock it just over the line with his arm after it rebounded off the inside of the stanchion. Well spotted by the linesman too, might I add. Coca-Cola hater Lucas Pérez doubled Depor's lead before halftime by racing onto a flick-on before finishing from an unseemly angle. He proceeded to demonstrate his distaste for sugary carbo-drinks by kicking the nearest Coca-Cola sign. He'd have kicked them all, given half the chance, but sanity prevailed and he went to celebrate with the fans - or at least those drinking water or orange juice. The rout was completed ten minutes from time when Toché scampered onto a beautiful through-ball to fire straight through hapless 'keeper Yoel. Luckily, by this time Pérez had been subbed off for former king Juan Carlos, and so the fans in the stands were able to triumphantly gambol about with their cans of fizzy pop, emptying them all over each other and generally creating a sticky mess. Which is why Pérez hates the stuff with such a passion in the first place.
     Sevilla managed to stay within touching distance of Barcelona courtesy of a professional win away at Elche. From just three shots on target all game against their determined hosts, Unai Emery's troops managed to bag two goals. After some pinballing around the area from a reasonably aimless freekick, Carlos 'wacky' Bacca bundled the ball over the line for the opener just before an hour had been played, with his teammates then strangely dissipating to the four separate corners of the ground to celebrate. Curious. Kévin Gameiro then made the points secure when he headed in Denis Suárez' cross just over ten minutes later, and I can happily report that the players celebrated in a more traditional manner, encroaching on their goalgetting teammate rather than running away as fast as possible. I dunno, maybe Bacca gets all Luiz Suárez-y after scoring? Who indeed can say.
     Atlético Madrid got back on track after their defeat to Valencia last time out by reverting to their original tried-and-trusted gameplan, eventually ousting Espanyol 2-0 at home. After 274 successive corners were cut out at the near post, the champions utterly bamboozled the defence with a short corner routine. Which didn't work. However, when the ball inevitably popped out of the area again it was duly slung straight back in, where Tiago rose highest to head the ball back across 'keeper Casilla (no 's') and into the bottom corner. Much huff was huffed and much puff puffed before Atleti managed to double their league in the 71st minute. Yet another corner led to much gnashing of teeth in the box before José Giménez smacked a header across goal. It may have been about to cross the line for the Uruguayan's first Atleti goal, but hometown kid Mario Suárez gleefully nipped in and took credit. Twelve Atleti players have now scored this season, so it appears they're all taking on the burden of replacing Diego Costa's goals.
     Real Sociedad's winless streak now stretches back a whole six weeks after they were defeated at home by Getafe, with a lot of help from their Star Wars star. Sociedad thought they had stolen a

Two goals for this fella

late winner thanks to youngster Pablo Hervías' first senior goal in the 82nd minute, but were cruelly denied any points whatsoever courtesy of two late, late goals from that little green man Yoda. First goal scored right on the cusp of 90, was. Calm finish too, it was, while second followed in third minute of three added on, much thanks to Sammir skill. Almería's uncertain form continued on the road at El Madrigal, where Ikechukwu Uche's second and third goals of the season for El Submarino Amarillo did for them. The goals were scored from a cumulative distance of about five yards, and he came very close to fucking up the second one completely, getting very lucky for the ball to bounce straight back to him off the 'keeper. Athletic Bilbao's European headaches continue as, even though they're one of the teams available on the demo of Pro Evolution Soccer '15, they remain winless in the league since Week 2. Things seemed to be looking up for the Basques when they took an early lead against Celta Vigo through an Aritz Aduriz penalty after a spot kick was awarded rather harshly for handball against former Barcelona yute Sergi Gómez. However, Celta Vigo have goal threats of their own, and they managed to haul themselves level when Nolito calmly tucked the ball into the corner of the net from inside the area, making it look far more straightforward than it actually was. The first game of the weekend was also the one which saw the fewest goals scored, as Granada eventually succumbed at home to Rayo Vallecano - the Madrid side collecting all three points in the 93rd minute through a strike from that "40-goal a season" wonder-forward Manucho. With his first goal for the club.
     And so attention turns to the first "Biggest Match in the World" of the season, with Barcelona visiting the Bernabéu on Saturday evening. The mad, mad goal spree Ronaldo's on comes face to face with Claudio Bravo, who is still yet to concede a solitary goal this season, while Toni Kroos, James Rodríguez, Ivan Rakitic, Jérémy Mathieu and Luis Suárez are all set to join the Barcelona 'keeper in experiencing their first taste of Clásico action. In good news for the home side, Ancelotti

More of this to come on Sat, no doubt

has confirmed that both Pepe and Sergio Ramos are fit to start at the base of the team, his eyebrow tapping out in Morse code to let the gathered reporters know he has already picked his line-up for Saturday's festivities. He didn't divulge any more, but Bale will almost definitely miss out after damaging an arse muscle - Lord only knows what monkey man's been up to. He'll almost definitely be replaced, as in the midweek stroll at Anfield, by Isco. The Andalucian looked on top form against Liverpool and will hope to keep that going into the biggest game of the season so far, although he could possibly be overlooked in favour of a more defensively-minded player. Ancelotti conceded both teams are far stronger in attack than defence and maintained that whoever attacks best will win, though his eyebrow piped up again to question why the game is kicking off at 6pm (local time), when "most people are still in the park". Methinks he's got a bit of an old-fashioned view of what people are up to. I mean kids don't even go outside any more or climb trees, do they? All with their flipping Gameboys and Tamagotchis...
     His opposite number will no doubt receive a 'warm' welcome from the partisan home crowd, with a lot of the build-up in the week focusing on 'turncoat' Luis Enrique. The main dilemma facing the former Madrid midfielder appears to be the decision whether to start with Luis Suárez or not. Messi and Neymar have finally hit it off on the pitch after a whole season playing together and the manager may be wary of introducing a new element, no matter how talented, immediately for such a big occasion. In addition, the little scrote's seriously short on game-time. On the other hand, the

All should play some part,
apart from the injured monkey boy

fact that the ratty striker hasn't played a proper game for the team yet could well play into Enrique's hands as Real Madrid won't be able to count on any scouting of how his team might line up, or what patterns of play will be employed. As here in the UK, the Spanish bookies are enjoying themselves with the return of Suárez, offering odds on who the peckish Uruguayan might nibble on first. Shortest odds, of course, are on him biting Ramos and Pepe - though I'm sure a great many attackers would admit they'd like to do the same after playing those two. Messi will surpass Telmo Zarra's all-time Primera División goalscoring record if he scores twice on Saturday, and Iniesta has said he'd "love to see the Bernabéu's reaction" if the Argentine were to achieve that feat.
     No matter what, it's sure not to be a boring game (I just pray I haven't jinxed it by saying that). So enjoy! Even if you do miss the first 15 minutes if tuning in on SkySports...

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Wayne (Bridge):
meaning;   an appliance in which foodstuffs are kept cool
example;   "Anyone need a fresh beer from the Wayne? I'm heading into the kitchen anyway."

Mark (Gower): although David can also be used on occasion
meaning;   a cubicle or bath in which a person stands under a spray of water to be washed
example;   "I'm well fucking muddy after that match. A quick Mark and I'm back off down the pub."

La Liga summer transfers - pt 1

     Well the World Cup - my most favouritest one ever - is now over. Football is dead, long live football. A new season is on the horizon and with it arrive a plethora of new players; some well known, others unknown, some for extortionate fees and others on frees. Possibly the best new signing could be a team rather than a player, with Eibar confirming it has managed to raise the amount stipulated by the ridiculous Spanish rules and will therefore be hosting Primera teams at its minute Ipurua ground for the first time.
     As I have some time to kill ahead of Primera División football breaking out again on August 23, I thought I'd take a look at the acquisitions of all teams in La Liga to date. There will be many, many more signings made between now and the transfer window closing on August 31 but I'm feeling impatient for football again and this may just kill some time! And so, without Freddy Adu, we begin with;

Almería

     After staying up by the nerve-endings on the skin of their teeth last season, los Rojiblancos desperately needed to both strengthen their team and keep hold of Aleix Vidal. They failed in their latter attempt, the inspirational winger beating a path to across Andalucía to Sevilla for EUR3m. In a somewhat strange move, Real Madrid graduate Marcos Tébar has also left, swapping the south-east of Spain for West London to join... Brentford. Go figure.

That's one happy Teerasil

     In their attempts to strengthen, Almería have spared no expense. Sorry, I mean they've spared no money. Operating on a tight budget, the team hasn't spent a penny on reinforcements, with new players coming in either on free transfers or on loan - as is the case with perennial loanee Wellington Silva from Arsenal and, intriguingly, with Teerasil Dangda from Muangthong United. The Thailand striker formerly spent a season at Man Citeh in 2008/09 but never kicked a ball in anger.

     Among the frees, they've brought in Rayo Vallecano 'keeper Rubén, Argentine centre-back Mauro dos Santos from Real Murcia and right-back Ximo Navarro from Mallorca. More in hope than expectation of adding firepower, they've also brought in Israeli striker Tomer Hemed from Mallorca. Although he performed reasonably well in the Primera last time out a couple of years ago, he only managed a paltry 2 goals in 24 games last season in the division below. Almería will look to pair him with Quique, who bagged a highly creditable 24 in 38 last season, albeit in Segunda B with CD Guadalajara.

Athletic Bilbao

Thumbs-up: Viguera

     Los Leones finished fourth in La Liga last term, 7 points behind Real and 7 points ahead of Sevilla. You'd think they would have spotted an opportunity to break into the top 3 this season, as although Real and Barcelona have both strengthened ridiculously, Atlético Madrid are haemorrhaging players and could possibly falter.

     The main problem for Bilbao, as ever, is their laudable transfer structure which means they can only sign Basque players. This obviously limits the number of players available to them on the market somewhat, and so far this summer they've only managed to bring in Borja Viguera from Alavés for EUR1m. However, the striker did manage to notch 25 goals last season, so could provide decent back-up to the ageing but still good-for-goals Aritz Aduriz who is in his third and most prolific spell with the Bilbao team.

Atlético Madrid

     I'd say of all the top teams, Atleti and excitable gaffer Cholo Simeone have the toughest job over the summer. Most other teams winning one of the big European leagues could reasonably expect to strengthen their team and not have the squad picked apart, but this is exactly what has happened to Atlético. It would seem they have become a victim of their own success, with much of the squad moving overseas - and a large part of that to Chelsea unfortunately.

Err, that's one way to celebrate: Costa

     Former Brazilian Diego Costa may have resembled some sort of haggarred, weak-kneed beach donkey during the World Cup but was instrumental in the team's against-all-odds league victory with 27 goals. He of course has joined Chelsea for EUR38m and I'm sure everyone reading (hello both) will join me in wishing him a dismal season of failure and lots and lots of rain in the Premiership. Joining him in the hopefully relegation-bound side is impressive left-back Filipe Luís after EUR20m changed hands. The clever but frustratingly inconsistent Diego has left for an undisclosed fee, joining Fenerbahce, while Atleti somehow managed to persuade Porto to part with EUR11m for 60% of the rights to one-goal-per-nine-games striker Adrián. David Villa has joined New York City. Just to help the game grow across the pond of course. Nothing to do with a massive pension top-up. Not at all.

Nearly in last season's colours: Mandzukic

     Los Colchoneros have needed to sign two 'keepers in order to replace Zamora Trophy-winning loanee Thibaut Cortois, with Jan Oblack (EUR16m, Benfica) and Miguel Ángel Moyà (EUR3m, Getafe) coming in his stead. They can't play them both at the same time though, obviously. To replace Costas' goals the Madrid side have turned to Bayern Munich's Mario Mandzukic, shelling out EUR22m on the 'big man up top', and taken a EUR7.5m punt on young Argentine striker Ángel Correa from San Lorenzo. They have since also executed a nimble bit of transfer gazumpery by bringing in classy wing-waif Antoine Griezmann for EUR30m. Tough-tackling fullback Cristian Ansaldi has also joined from Zenit. Where he played all of 9 games since moving from Rubin Kazan last year. Finally, Cholo has elected to replace his Brazilian left-back with...a Brazilian left-back, with Guilherme Siqueira coming in from Granada for EUR10m. After all if it ain't broke etc.

Barcelona

     Having 'only' finished second last year Barça are quite clearly in need of a massive revamp of
their squad. Surely the biggest loss for the team over the summer was a giant of a man, a true

Pity for me this funny man has gone :(

legend of the club who should have won more international caps by far and stood firm between the sticks for years, playing in a total of 31 games in six years - the venerable pirate of El Puerto, José Manuel Pinto. As an aside, Victor Valdés and (actual) club legend Carles Puyol also left on frees. The Catalan side generated most of the funds for incoming players with the sale of not-really-first-teamers Cesc Fàbregas and Alexis Sánchez, who possibly shared the same plane as they jetted in to London to join Chelsea and Arsenal for EUR33m and EUR42.5m respectively. Somewhat less cash-money was generated by Jonathan dos Santos (EUR2m) and Bojan (EUR4m) joining Villarreal and somewhat implausibly, Stoke.

Suárez minus his mouth-weapons

     The flip-side of this coin is, of course, that Barcelona managed to sign the 'humble' (not the first word that springs to mind for most, Andoni) Luis Suárez from Liverpool for a staggering EUR81m. There were rumours before that they may have included a 'no biting clause' (and what the fuck kind of adult human being needs that kind of shit written into a contract), but what are they going to do if when he bites someone again? Cancel his contract and not take any money from the queue of massive teams lining up to sign him? Brilliant footballer, abhorrent human man. The club (can they be called a club, they're supposed to be 'more than' that, aren't they?) would do best to extract all his teeth and allow him to wear dentures while out and about on the street, provided he can prove his control over them.

     Of the actual humans signed, Ivan Rakitic is the pick of the bunch. One of the very best players in the entire league last year, Barcelona prised him away from Sevilla with the offer of EUR18m plus a borrow of Denis Suárez. The team behind new manager Luis 'turncoat' Enrique also sanctioned the signing of two highly impressive 'keepers - letter minefield Marc-André ter Stegen from Borussia Mönchengladbach for EUR12m and Chilean #1 Claudio Bravo for EUR12m from Real Sociedad. The team also made left-back Jérémy Mathieu the most expensive-ever signing over 30 when they paid Valencia EUR20m for his services.

Celta de Vigo

'El Bati' in his new surroundings

     Os Célticos finished an impressive 9th last time out - 10 points above the relegation zone nine places below but also 10 points behind Sociedad in the last European spot just two places above.

     In a bid to push on, the team has raided Barcelona B for two defenders - Carles Planas and Sergi Gómez. More importantly, Celta managed to bring in forward Joaquín 'el Bati' Larrivey on a free from Rayo Vallecano, and the Argentine hitman will look to form a good partnership with naturalised Chilean Pablo Hernández, who has arrived from O'Higgins for a fee of EUR1.6m. Born in Tucumán, Argentina, Hernández received a Chilean passport earlier in the year and played for the team in a World Cup warm-up against Costa Rica, where he scored a brace. If he keeps up a scoring record of two goals per game he'll even manage to challenge CR7 and Messi for the Pichichi. Maybe.

Córdoba

Happy new additions Deivid & Fidel

     After finishing 7th in Segunda last season (and even that only on goal difference over Recreativo), Córdoba saw off Las Palmas in a tight two-legged final to reclaim their place at the top table of Spanish football for the first time in 42 years. Manager Albert Ferrer, yes that one, obviously has faith in his side's defence, thus far only adding Deivid on a free from their vanquished promotion opponents.

     Further forward, los Califas have added firepower in the shape of giant Japanese centre-forward Mike Havenaar (yes, in spite of the name he is genuinely Japanese, albeit by birth) on a free from Vitesse. Incoming midfielders have come in the flavours of José Carlos, from Rayo, and Patrick Ekeng from Lausanne. In addition, Ferrer has loaned in exitingly-named Brazilian wing-smith Ryder Matos from Fiorentina, Fidel from Elche and Fede Cartabia from Valencia.

Deportivo La Coruña

Arriving in Galícia: Cuenca

     After leading the way in the Segunda for much of the season, Superdépor were overtaken by fairy tale team Eibar at the death and finished second. Thus far their only concrete business has seen them bring in Isaac Cuenca from Barcelona after the Catalans agreed to rescind the pacey young player's contract. He will be hoping to resurrect his once-promising career after falling out of the picture and being loaned out to Ajax last term.

     Joining him will be a clutch of loan signings. It's easier to list them than go through them all individually, so they are - defender Roberto Canella from Sporting Gijón and midfielders Luis Carlos Fariña, Lucas Pérez and José Rodriguez from Benfica, PAOK and Real Madrid respectively.

Eibar

     After managing to raise the amount stipulated by the Spanish FA, Eibar will be allowed to take their rightful place in the Primera Liga next season for the very first time! Huzzah! And extremely well done to anyone who bought shares in the little club to help them achieve their goal. No-one connected with the club will underestimate the task facing them this season, though. Their championship-winning squad was filled with a mass of loan signings, many of whom will not be returning to Ipurua this time round.

Dani García (renewal) & Javi Lara,
with scarves. Big scarves.

     Predictably, all their signings so far have been on frees. As much as fans like the fairy tale story of a tiny team from a far-flung part of the country with a stadium holding barely over 5,000 getting into the Big Time, players prefer money. Los Armeros, therefore, have so far only managed to persuade three blokes to join their crew. Manager and former player Gaizka Garitano will be hoping that Levante's Ángel will be able to provide some goals while Jaime Jiménez, from Valladolid, will be able to keep them out at the other end. In between the pair, journeyman midfieldster Javi Lara has joined from Ponferradina in what is something like the 74th transfer of his career.

Elche

     Along with Almería, Elche also finished last season one point above the drop zone. While the team's goal difference of -20 was better than many of those around them, they only managed to score 30 goals in 38 games. Nonetheless, manager Fran Escribá hasn't seemed preoccupied with bringing extra firepower into his front line. The only actual striker to have joined is Jonathas, who arrives on loan after scoring 15 in 37 for Latina in Lega Pro Prima Divisione/B last season, helping them win promotion to Serie B after finishing third.

Pasalic with the customary thumbs-up

     In midfield, Fayçal Fajr was secured on a free from Caen, Adrián Gonzalez joined from Rayo, as did former Real Madrid youth Pedro Mosquera. Poland international 'keeper Przemysław Tytoń has joined on loan from PSV Eindhoven, but the most interesting Eastern European addition is Mario Pasalic, who joins on loan from Chelsea. Despite never having played an international game, the German-born 19-year-old was part of Croatia's initial World Cup squad before missing out in the final cut. He's highly-regarded by the West Londoners and it will be interesting to see how he fares.

Espanyol

An absolute unit: Caicedo

     Los Periquitos had a quiet season and pulled themselves together before the end to finish 14th, albeit only 3 points above the drop. Nevertheless Dépor legend Sergio, in his very first appointment as manager, feels the scoring side wasn't such a problem last season, and has therefore only added spectacularly-dredded former Manchester City misfit Felipe Caicedo to his forward line on a free from Al Jazira, where he had presumably got tired of reading the news.

     Defenders Anaitz Arbilla and Álvaro González have joined from Rayo and Real Zaragoza respectively, while link men Paco Montañés and Salva Sevilla signed up to the Barcelona club from Zaragoza (again) and Seville team Betis.

That concludes the run-down of the first 10 Primera Liga teams. The second half of this enthralling, rip-roaring, unputdownable internetty scribe will be posted in the next few days/next week/when I can be bothered/never/no, probably in the next few days, actually.