Week6 - Clean sheet o'clock

     It's something I don't think I've ever seen before (no not that - I'll be going to the doctor's with that tomorrow...). Looking down the results from Week 6 in La Liga there was only one game out of all ten played in which both teams scored, where Real Sociedad held Valencia to a 1-1 draw at Anoeta, while two games produced no goals whatsoever.
     Despite fielding a partial 'B' side, Barcelona extended their run of clean sheets to a sixth successive game in beating Granada 6-0 on Saturday night. Xavi was restored to the line-up and took back captaincy, playing behind a pacy front three of Messi, Neymar and young madrileño Munir El Haddadi. Granada played solidly for the opening 25 minutes but shot themselves in the

"My ball" - Neymar likes footballs

foot when Hector Yuste played a blind and lazy pass straight to Neymar, who gratefully bounded onto it and scored via a deflection off the foot of Martinique international Jean-Sylvain Babin. The Catalan giants then slipped into gear, Ivan Rakitic and Neymar again scoring on the cusp of half time leading to more understated celebrations. Just after the hour mark Messi notched his 400th goal for the club, nodding in following an absolute peach of a volleyed cross from Dani Alves. The dwarfish forward later grabbed his 401st Blaugrana goal after Neymar had completed his hat-trick, rounding the now visibly irate Roberto in the Granada goal after seizing on an abject piece of miscontrol by the hapless (and misspelt) Jeison Murillo.

     Goal-machine to some, flat-track bully to others, CR7 always tries to keep up with his scruffy rival in the history stakes and this weekend equalled a 60-year record by scoring his tenth league goal in just the sixth game of the season - even more impressive bearing in mind he did not partake in one of those. Those of a mathematical bent will work out that Ronaldo is therefore averaging two goals a game. He becomes the first Real Madrid player to reach this landmark, equalling the record

Man Utd fans' planes queuing
up to fly to Spain

set by László Kubala for Barcelona in 1953 and Pahiño for Deportivo the following year. An interesting fact to add is that neither man actually won the Pichichi in those years, beaten by legends Telmo Zarra and Alfredo di Stéfano respectively. Nonetheless, CR7 is now far and away the favourite to claim the crown this season, in spite of the innumerable flocks of planes being hired by deluded Manchester United fans to fly over Real games proclaiming their love for Cristiano. Turns out that it's not been a strike by French pilots that's made things a bit iffy in the air over there of late - it's been the sheer numbers of planes shuttling from UK airports to Spanish airspace, trailing long banners festooned with love poems to Ronaldo. Those United fans really should get a life/get real/support their local team etc etc. The noise of the planes circling overhead notwithstanding, Luka Modric opened the scoring for Madrid at El Madrigal just after the half hour mark with an instinctive snapshot from the edge of the box, meaning that none his goals in Spain have been scored inside the area still. Iker Casillas reclaimed his place between the sticks and was made to work for his clean sheet, which he was lucky to keep intact after a decent double-save ended up at the feet of Ikechukwu Uche with the goal at his mercy. The Villarreal man will have thrown all TVs and the internet out of his house after the game, so desperate will he be to avoid seeing his miss again.
     It seems there's some ungenltemanly stuff going on down on the Costa del Sol. Most teams in La Liga have not suffered any red cards whatsoever, but Javi Gracia's Málaga side have now had to play

Probably best not to say anything...

with a man disadvantage in four of their six games. Weligton was the guilty party this time after picking up two yellows against Getafe. 'Croatian' midfieldsman Sammir must have been taking tips from Real Madrid's game last week and should feel ashamed of himself for the flagrant simulation which saw the Málaga veteran given his marching orders. Javi Gracia was at a loss to explain the high number of reds, walking around the streets outside the Alfonso Pérez stadium after the match professing aloud to anyone who'd listen "I would ask why referees find it so easy to send off Málaga players," perhaps momentarily forgetting the same player's face-grab on Messi just a couple of short days before. Regardless, the game was done and dusted long before that, Míchel Herrero scoring in the 25th minute before los Azulones proceeded to lay siege to the away goal for the rest of the match.
     Some excellent saves and goal-line clearances at Anoeta, where Valencia lost top spot after being held by Real Sociedad. Both 'keepers had an extremely busy day but were helped out by teammates on the few occasions on which the ball evaded them. Los Che took the lead against the run of play when Paco Alcácer showed he's not only a goal-getter, intelligently heading down for Carles Gil to calmly stroke home for his first goal for his hometown club. This was cancelled out rather fortuitously 20 minutes later as one-time great white hope of Spanish football and former Valencia man Sergio Canales notched against his old side.
     Inspired by the return of Diego Simeone to the dugout at the Vicente Calderón, Atlético Madrid

Cholo finishing off his sandwich
for the cameras.

moved level with Valencia courtesy of a 4-0 rout of Sevilla, who slip to fourth. Koke opened the scoring before the game was 20 minutes old, his long-range shot spinning up and over the 'keeper via a deflection off Nicolás Pareja. Driven on by the now-freed Cholo prowling on the touchline and presumably marking his territory by pissing on the water bottles, Atleti then reverted to type. The goals began to go in from deadballs. First Saúl Ñíguez finished off a well-practiced move just before half time, before Raúls García and Jiménez put the game to bed through a penalty and header from a free kick in the last ten minutes.
     Celta Vigo kept up their assault on the top 6 with a 1-0 win at Elche, Nolito leaving it extremely late to score in the very last minute. Eibar cemented their place as the top team in the Basque Country following a 0-0 draw at rivals Athletic Bilbao's San Mamés cathedral. The visitors had more fans in the stadium (over 2,000) than they averaged during all their home games in the Segunda B league (1,500), and in fact now have a waiting list for new members for the first time. Almería remain the second highest-ranked Andalucian team out of five after they won away at Deportivo thanks to an injury time winner from Édgar Méndez. Down in the fledgling relegation zone, Levante have still only scored one goal this season and went down pretty tamely at home to Rayo Vallecano courtesy of a brace from Léo Baptistão, who most definitely has rediscovered his scoring boots. Turns out he forgot them in the Rayo locker room when he left to join Atleti last season. Levante are kept off bottom spot by Córdoba, who still remain winless this season after drawing 0-0 with Espanyol at Nuevo Arcángel despite demonstrating far more attacking intent than the visitors.

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Shaun (Goater)
description:  a particularly large, buoyant piece of excrement
example:  "I'd give trap six a miss mate, someone's left a right Shaun in there."

Robin (van Persie)
description:  used in a phrase to denote that a situation had appeared in control, but was wasted
example:  "I really couldn't tell you how he missed that, he had the goal at his Robin."

Week5 - Falling down, moving up

     Week 4 ran from Friday to Monday, Week 5 ran between Tuesday and Thursday, and Week 6 will begin on Friday and run 'til Sunday. That's ten whole days of league football back to back, muthafuckazz. A whole lot can change when every team plays three times in a week and a half. Two-thirds of the way through this treble-header and some records have gone, while others have been strengthened. Barcelona still haven't conceded a goal - but dropped the league's only 100% record with a goalless draw against Málaga at La Rosaleda - another Atleti victory was secured via a centre-back's forehead and Levante picked up their first win of the season. The biggest turnaround has been at Real Madrid, who entered this frenzied ten day run with Casillas and Ancelotti's eyebrow under pressure following two consecutive demoralising defeats, but have since scored 13 in the last two games.
     On the sixth consecutive day of football, Málaga welcomed the imperious Barcelona for an evening game. I say evening but really it was a night game seeing as it kicked off at 10pm local time, which helps explain why there were some 5,000 empty seats for the visit of the Catalan pass-control behemoth. Barça didn't look great and did not even manage to register a single shot on target. In fact they were indebted to 'keeper Claudio Bravo's reactions when he pushed a well-

"What's that, little man?"

struck near-post free kick from Liverpool misfit and former Barcelona B striker Luis Alberto onto the post. The jitters extended even to Messi, the diminutive Argentine ending up on the floor after being face-grabbed by Boquerones defender Weligton. The Brazilian had taken exception to the shorter man calling him a "son of a bitch," a cuss that carries more weight in Spain than in England. Sticks and stones, and all that. Gerard Piqué and his friends thought the actions deserved a red card, but the former Man Utd. defender instead received a yellow for his protestations, which I'm sure will have cheered him up no end. In actual fact, it would be fair to say Málaga can be more disappointed with the draw than the visitors. Barcelona could have come away with a point fewer than they did but for some admirably honest play from the Málaga forwards. Twice they were clipped inside the box and twice they refused to go down and claim a penalty, instead ploughing on in an attempt to score. Nice corinthian play, that.
     The same categorically cannot be said of Ronaldo & Co in their 5-1 defeat of Elche the previous night. On the week he entered the top ten list of all-time Primera División goalscorers, CR7 also committed the second-most cringeworthy dive seen outside of a Barcelona shirt in quite a while.

CR7 and Marcelo's pitiful dives

It was only beaten by Marcelo's painfully embarrassing flop earlier in the same game. Really, they should introduce retrospective punishment to stop these shameful shenanigans. Both players flung themselves to the ground without even the merest suggestion of contact, and both got awarded penalties. These were both taken by CR7 whose two other strikes in the game took his tally for the season to nine goals in just four games. He's scored seven goals in 72 hours. I could quite easily do that too. In fact, watch... ... ... there. I just scored seven in like ten seconds. I suppose Ronaldo was hampered somewhat by the fact he only played 180 minutes over those 72 hours though, and that there were other players about to tackle/pass to/pretend to fall over. He's now scored 187 goals in 169 league games for Madrid. Quite, quite ridiculous numbers, which render his dive in this game even more pathetic. Bale, with his new European hairdo, scored the opener for Real in the 20th minute - the 3,000th Primera División goal scored at the Bernabéu by los Blancos. The Welshman's header, his fourth strike in five games, not only ruffled his new locks but served as the equaliser after Elche had dared take the lead with a penalty by captain Edu Albácar, given against Ronaldo. What can you say, the guy just likes penalties! Iker Casillas sat on the bench watching this one, but afterwards congratulated rival Keylor Navas on his debut. On Friday morning, though, Ancelotti's eyebrow pointed at San Iker when asked which 'keeper would be starting against Villarreal on the weekend.

Note the #9 on the side, to differentiate
him from all the other masked footballers

     Like CR7, another player on the Pichichi trail is Atlético Madrid centre-back Miranda. The Liga champions are now in third place, two points behind leaders Barcelona, despite struggling for goals from open play. They've scored seven in their five games and Miranda now accounts for three of those after he escaped his marker and nodded home at the near post from a corner on the hour mark. Diego Godín has chipped in with one goal as well this season, meaning the centre-back pairing have gobbled up more than half the goals scored by los Colchoneros. Without Miranda's goals, Atleti would be five points worse off, which would place them in 10th place rather than on the coattails of the Barcelona groove machine. The good news is that Mario Mandzukic is on his way back from the broken nose sustained against Olympiakos in the Champions League - but he'll be wearing one of those fetching masks upon his return.
     Sevilla were Barcelona's closest challengers before the Thursday night games, level on points with the Catalans having won four on the spin since their opening day draw with Valencia. A goal from Gerard Deulofeu, on loan from Barça and left completely unmarked in the area to side-foot into the roof of the net, secured a 1-0 win at home to Real Sociedad, whose solitary 3-point haul of the season remains that resounding win against Real Madrid all the way back in Week 2.

Not that one...

     Levante managed to haul themselves from the bottom of the table courtesy of a hard-fought 1-0 win away at Granada. Rubén García scored a quite wonderful goal following a mesmerising, jinking run through the opposition midfield and defence. Picture Maradona's goal against England. No not that one - the good one. While it wasn't quite on that level, it was still an excellent run and goal. He finished from further out than el Diego as well. The defeat was the first of the season for the hosts. Levante's win takes them to 16th, leapfrogging Athletic Bilbao who are looking a pale imitation of themselves. Los Leones have looked more like pussycats this season, registering just one win and four defeats. The latest of these came in the capital against Rayo Vallecano despite taking the lead rather fortuitously in the 21st minute; Aritz Aduriz finishing off a move from close range when two previous passes had looked borderline offside. The hosts pulled level following a calamitous mistake from Bilbao 'keeper Gorka Iraizoz, who seemingly opened a hole in his chest to allow a simple-looking low cross to squirm through him, presenting former Rayo youth Léo Baptistão - now on loan from cross-town rivals Atleti - with the simplest of finishes. The Brazilian caused Vallecas to erupt when he clinched a last-minute winner, arriving from deep to power a header straight at Iraizoz that was too hot for the 'keeper to hold onto, leaving the striker with his second tap-in of the day. I'd like to think he paid the Bilbao man at least a fiver for his two assists.
     Eibar picked up a point at the tiny but picturesque Ipurua against Villarreal, taking the lead before the game was in double figures after a bit of pinballing around the penalty area, Mikel Arruabarrena scoring his first-ever top flight goal. Denis Cheryshev, on loan from Real Madrid, was at the heart of everything good Villarreal attempted, once dinking the crossbar with a delightful chip in the first half, and in the second producing a driving run from midfield that would've resulted in a penalty had he chosen to go down under contact rather than going back at the defender with a shoulder-barge. Good to see, but I'm sure he'll get coached out of it once he returns to the capital. Nonetheless the equaliser, when it came, had nothing to do with the Russian - Gerard Moreno curling in from the edge of the area, tantalisingly out of the reach of Xabi Irureta.
     At a raucous Balaídos, fellow promoted club Deportivo took on Celta Vigo in the first Derbi Galego in a couple of years. The home team hadn't won a derby game against their rivals in four games stretching back to April 2007, but things started badly for the newly-promoted Dépor when Nolito proceeded unchallenged into the area and placed a shot inside the unguarded near post in just the fourth minute. Deportivo rallied and came back into the match in the second half when Isaac Cuenca, who's summoned some facial hair from somewhere, levelled ten minutes after the break despite the attentions of Hugo Mallo. Parity didn't last though, and new boy Joaquin Larrivey rose highest to smack Nolito's corner home with his face before ripping off his shirt and careering

Likes to score - Larrivey

around the stadium with wild abandon. Do people still say 'with wild abandon'? No? Either way, he looked like he enjoyed that one nearly as much as the fans in the stands. Late drama ensued, however, after Dépor were given a way back into the game with a penalty for handball by Gustavo Cabral right on the cusp of full time. Haris Medunjanin duly swiped his beard at the spot kick and sent it to the 'keepers left, but it was at a nice height and Sergio Álvarez flung himself full-length (he's not that tall for a 'keeper) and raised himself to hero status by parrying the shot away, sending the crowd absolutely chicken oriental. Vigo remain unbeaten this season.
     On Thursday night Espanyol kept up their record of scoring in every game as they vanquished Getafe 2-0 at Cornellà-El Prat. Sergio García, who still looks weird without his gypsy ponytail, stole in to open the scoring and accept the plaudits, but the goal was all about the pass from Salva Sevilla - a beautifully chipped half-volley pass over the defence leaving García with just the 'keeper to beat. Christian Stuani later grabbed his second goal in a week to ensure the three points went to the Barcelona team, scoring at the second time of asking through a very accommodating crowd of three defenders and the hapless 'keeper.

Valencia's
favourite number

     And so to the last game of the week, ending a matter of hours before the first game of the next week was scheduled to begin. Valencia had scored three goals in every game this season apart from the opener against Sevilla - Shirley they couldn't do it again, for the fourth game in a row? Of course they bloody could, fool. Damn your eyes and curse your socks for doubting them. 3-0 for the second game in a row; this time they tonked newly-promoted Córdoba. New scoring sensation Paco Alcácer set los Che on their way in the 22nd minute with a deft header from a lovely cross by Sofiane Feghouli, who absolutely roasted Córdoba left-back José Ángel Crespo. His Valencia counterpart José Gayá had a much better time of it, doubling the score and notching his first professional goal five minutes later with a rasping drive that went straight through the 'keeper like a dangerously undercooked chicken curry from the night before on a hungover Sunday morning. We've all been there. Feghouli then rounded off the scoring with a precise finish from the edge of the box and celebrated by pulling a muscle in his leg. Seems stupid to me but no doubt kids'll soon start copying it. You'll see loads of 'em lying down in playgrounds with one leg in the air after scoring. And FYI - you should stop looking in at childrens' playgrounds like that. People get suspicious.
     Valencia now sit smugly atop the Primera División rankings on goal difference from Barcelona and Sevilla; the first time they've been top of the tree since the fourth gameweek of season 2011/12. They're looking good value for it too, three goals and three points at a time.

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

     A new section I'm introducing for this season is called Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang, as you will have perhaps guessed from the title. Basically, it's a spin on cockney rhyming slang, only using footballers' names. Or sometimes random well-known sportsmen. They have to be reasonably well-known so listeners can work out the meaning from the context, as the speaker leaves out the actual rhyming part. So we'll start with a simple couple as this is the first week;

Demba/Ibrahim (Ba)

description;  place in a pub from where drinks are served.

example;  "Cor, I'm thirsty. Go on it's your round, get to the Demba ya cheapskate."

Courtney (Pitt)

description;  faeces/the act of expelling faeces.

example;  "Come on mate, hurry up in there - I'm dying for a Courtney."

Goals. Lots and lots of lovely goals.

Plush. As. Fuck.

     Ok, ok, I missed the start of the season by a long shot, but I've been busy. I've been doing stuff etc. I even went on a reconnaissance mission (holiday) to Málaga and rocked up at La Rosaleda. Pity it was the day after they'd played. And pity the game had been away at Valencia in any case. But they do sell nice beach towels there - I mean, I didn't buy one but they seemed soft enough. I suppose that's the kind of thing that happens to your club when big money comes in; branded beach towels suddenly become much more important than supporters had previously realised. When I used to live in Málaga I never saw such plush team beach towels on sale. Ah well, progress of a sort I suppose someone will argue.
     So to recap the first few weeks in La Liga very quickly, Barcelona won every week by scoring more goals than the opposition. In fact, they still at time of writing haven't conceded even one. Stingy gits. Ivan Rakitic has of course started like a cat on fire (or something like that, I can't think of a better simile at the moment) and Neymar has managed to pick himself off the floor following his exertions single-handedly dragging his country through the World Cup all those months ago. Messi is Messi of course, but so far has been changing games more through method of assist than goal, though he scored two in the opening day 3-0 victory over Elche. It does rather look like his team are already geared towards Luis Suárez starting up front, with Messi playing more of a support role than previously.

Understated celebration - Arda Turan

     Defending champions Atlético Madrid endured a messy opening day across town at Rayo Vallecano, dropping two points in a scoreless draw, but picked up to narrowly beat Eibar 2-1 before deservedly sweeping aside Real Madrid more convincingly, albeit by the same scoreline. Their main source of goals, now Diego Costa has left for pastures Chelsea, has been set piece deliveries won by one of their impressive defenders. Up front, Mario Mandzukic will need a bit of time to find his feet (not an easy task when you're as tall as he is), but conversely, the team will have to learn an entirely new system of playing to their striker's strengths, which are different from their departed Spaniard/Brazilian.
     European champions Real Madrid started in disarray, and although it seems ridiculous to say mere months after delivering La Décima that the entire club has been craving, Ancelotti and his enthusiastic eyebrow find themselves under pressure already. And he's not the only one. Iker Casillas has been whistled, booed and jeered by sections of his own supporters, and his form seems to have deserted him. Keylor Navas continues to wait in the wings and his shadow only looms larger over San Iker. One gets the feeling that were Casillas to lose his place there might be a very long road back ahead of him, if at all. Before last weekend, Real had conceded the highest number of goals in the Primera División, so although CR7 is leading the Pichichi race as usual, with a barely conceivable nine goals in just four games, his team have dropped as many points as they've gained. A tight 2-0 win over Córdoba was followed by a staggering 4-2 reverse at Real Sociedad - a game in which they'd been cruising and 2-0 up after 11 minutes, only to later implode spectacularly. And all while wearing that haemmorage-inducing pink kit as well. Gawd help us.

Goalscorer Bacca, looking remarkably
like he's playing for Cardiff

     Sevilla are sitting pretty in the Champions League places, their only dropped points coming in the first week against Valencia and even then only due to an 88th minute equaliser from Lucas Orbán on his debut. Carlos 'wacky' Bacca is still hot on the goals trail and continues making defences up and down the country paranoid, as well as lazy and a bit peckish. Los Che, meanwhile, are also hanging onto the tails of leaders Barcelona after scoring three goals in three successive games following the stalemate at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán, new Spain striker Paco Alcácer proving their version of Carlos Bacca.
     Of the promoted clubs, everyone's favourite minnows Eibar are enjoying life in La Liga for the first time and are ensconced in the top half, los Armeros having recorded two wins and two losses so far. Deportivo La Coruña sit in 13th, their only victory so far having come against Eibar, while Córdoba find themselves second from bottom with just 2 points. Levante prop everyone else up following one draw (0-0 at Málaga) out of their opening four games, with no goals scored.

Gameweek 4

Lots and LOTS of these over the weekend

     If you were bored on the weekend and looking for goals, La Liga was the place to find 'em. A total of 42 of the little blighters were counted across the ten games, at an average (I'd like to showcase my astounding powers of mathematics here) of 4.2 per game. There were no 0-0s whatsoever - the closest we came to one was Granada beating Athletic Bilbao at the new San Mamés 1-0 through the gleefully misspelt Jhon Córdoba. Some games were close (Atleti 2-2 Celta de Vigo, with two goals for the big men from the back for the reigning champions), and some were not so close (Córdoba 1-3 Sevilla). There were mad comebacks from behind (Villarreal 4-2 Rayo, with el Submarino Amarillo coming back from 2-0 down inside the opening half hour) and some last minute drama (Espanyol 2-2 Málaga, with Espanyol retaking the lead in the 88th minute through Christian Stuani before los Boquerones levelled through a 93rd minute Duda freekick).

Yaaay, goals! We likes goals!

     Barcelona kept yet another clean sheet and achieved a manolito at the other end, beating Levante 5-0 with goals from Neymar, Rakitic, youngster Sandro Ramírez, former youngster Pedro and of course Messi, although the Flea untypically missed a penalty earlier in the game. For their part, Real Madrid looked to put to bed a lot of the disaffection that had been creeping into the fanbase with an 8-2 mauling of Dépor at the Riazor. CR7 helped himself to a hattrick while Bale and late substitute Chicharito grabbed a brace each and James Rodríguez rounded off the scorers. Dangerously-bearded Haris Medunjanin and Toché grabbed the consolation goals for not-so-Superdépor, who were nonetheless raucously supported by their fans. Fair play to 'em.

     In the rest of the games, Almería won 2-1 at Sociedad, new boys Eibar beat Elche 2-0 and Valencia continued scoring in threes, defeating Getafe 3-0.

     Due to the wholly random way the Spanish football authorities run the game over there, Gameweek 4 ran pretty much into Gameweek 5, which is already half-way through, and will in turn run straight into Gameweek 6, so not much of a let-off for me after a few weeks being out of practice. I don't get paid well enough for this. I could tell you that Celta beat Deportivo 2-1 in the Galician derby to move up to 5th in the table after small goalkeeper Sergio saved an 88th minute penalty from Medunjanin, or that Cristiano Ronaldo is now quite ridiculously the tenth-highest goalscorer in Primera history after he scored four in Real's 5-1 victory at home to Elche, or that Bale took second place in the Pichichi competition with his fourth of the season, or even that Keylor Navas finally displaced Iker Casillas between the sticks. But I shan't, 'cos that'd be cheating - I'm only talking about Gameweek 4 here. Gameweeks 5 and 6 next time, have some patience for Chrissakes! Normal service to resume as of next week, scout's honour.

Im going, and I'm taking my ball with me

La Liga summer transfers - pt 1

     Well the World Cup - my most favouritest one ever - is now over. Football is dead, long live football. A new season is on the horizon and with it arrive a plethora of new players; some well known, others unknown, some for extortionate fees and others on frees. Possibly the best new signing could be a team rather than a player, with Eibar confirming it has managed to raise the amount stipulated by the ridiculous Spanish rules and will therefore be hosting Primera teams at its minute Ipurua ground for the first time.
     As I have some time to kill ahead of Primera División football breaking out again on August 23, I thought I'd take a look at the acquisitions of all teams in La Liga to date. There will be many, many more signings made between now and the transfer window closing on August 31 but I'm feeling impatient for football again and this may just kill some time! And so, without Freddy Adu, we begin with;

Almería

     After staying up by the nerve-endings on the skin of their teeth last season, los Rojiblancos desperately needed to both strengthen their team and keep hold of Aleix Vidal. They failed in their latter attempt, the inspirational winger beating a path to across Andalucía to Sevilla for EUR3m. In a somewhat strange move, Real Madrid graduate Marcos Tébar has also left, swapping the south-east of Spain for West London to join... Brentford. Go figure.

That's one happy Teerasil

     In their attempts to strengthen, Almería have spared no expense. Sorry, I mean they've spared no money. Operating on a tight budget, the team hasn't spent a penny on reinforcements, with new players coming in either on free transfers or on loan - as is the case with perennial loanee Wellington Silva from Arsenal and, intriguingly, with Teerasil Dangda from Muangthong United. The Thailand striker formerly spent a season at Man Citeh in 2008/09 but never kicked a ball in anger.

     Among the frees, they've brought in Rayo Vallecano 'keeper Rubén, Argentine centre-back Mauro dos Santos from Real Murcia and right-back Ximo Navarro from Mallorca. More in hope than expectation of adding firepower, they've also brought in Israeli striker Tomer Hemed from Mallorca. Although he performed reasonably well in the Primera last time out a couple of years ago, he only managed a paltry 2 goals in 24 games last season in the division below. Almería will look to pair him with Quique, who bagged a highly creditable 24 in 38 last season, albeit in Segunda B with CD Guadalajara.

Athletic Bilbao

Thumbs-up: Viguera

     Los Leones finished fourth in La Liga last term, 7 points behind Real and 7 points ahead of Sevilla. You'd think they would have spotted an opportunity to break into the top 3 this season, as although Real and Barcelona have both strengthened ridiculously, Atlético Madrid are haemorrhaging players and could possibly falter.

     The main problem for Bilbao, as ever, is their laudable transfer structure which means they can only sign Basque players. This obviously limits the number of players available to them on the market somewhat, and so far this summer they've only managed to bring in Borja Viguera from Alavés for EUR1m. However, the striker did manage to notch 25 goals last season, so could provide decent back-up to the ageing but still good-for-goals Aritz Aduriz who is in his third and most prolific spell with the Bilbao team.

Atlético Madrid

     I'd say of all the top teams, Atleti and excitable gaffer Cholo Simeone have the toughest job over the summer. Most other teams winning one of the big European leagues could reasonably expect to strengthen their team and not have the squad picked apart, but this is exactly what has happened to Atlético. It would seem they have become a victim of their own success, with much of the squad moving overseas - and a large part of that to Chelsea unfortunately.

Err, that's one way to celebrate: Costa

     Former Brazilian Diego Costa may have resembled some sort of haggarred, weak-kneed beach donkey during the World Cup but was instrumental in the team's against-all-odds league victory with 27 goals. He of course has joined Chelsea for EUR38m and I'm sure everyone reading (hello both) will join me in wishing him a dismal season of failure and lots and lots of rain in the Premiership. Joining him in the hopefully relegation-bound side is impressive left-back Filipe Luís after EUR20m changed hands. The clever but frustratingly inconsistent Diego has left for an undisclosed fee, joining Fenerbahce, while Atleti somehow managed to persuade Porto to part with EUR11m for 60% of the rights to one-goal-per-nine-games striker Adrián. David Villa has joined New York City. Just to help the game grow across the pond of course. Nothing to do with a massive pension top-up. Not at all.

Nearly in last season's colours: Mandzukic

     Los Colchoneros have needed to sign two 'keepers in order to replace Zamora Trophy-winning loanee Thibaut Cortois, with Jan Oblack (EUR16m, Benfica) and Miguel Ángel Moyà (EUR3m, Getafe) coming in his stead. They can't play them both at the same time though, obviously. To replace Costas' goals the Madrid side have turned to Bayern Munich's Mario Mandzukic, shelling out EUR22m on the 'big man up top', and taken a EUR7.5m punt on young Argentine striker Ángel Correa from San Lorenzo. They have since also executed a nimble bit of transfer gazumpery by bringing in classy wing-waif Antoine Griezmann for EUR30m. Tough-tackling fullback Cristian Ansaldi has also joined from Zenit. Where he played all of 9 games since moving from Rubin Kazan last year. Finally, Cholo has elected to replace his Brazilian left-back with...a Brazilian left-back, with Guilherme Siqueira coming in from Granada for EUR10m. After all if it ain't broke etc.

Barcelona

     Having 'only' finished second last year Barça are quite clearly in need of a massive revamp of
their squad. Surely the biggest loss for the team over the summer was a giant of a man, a true

Pity for me this funny man has gone :(

legend of the club who should have won more international caps by far and stood firm between the sticks for years, playing in a total of 31 games in six years - the venerable pirate of El Puerto, José Manuel Pinto. As an aside, Victor Valdés and (actual) club legend Carles Puyol also left on frees. The Catalan side generated most of the funds for incoming players with the sale of not-really-first-teamers Cesc Fàbregas and Alexis Sánchez, who possibly shared the same plane as they jetted in to London to join Chelsea and Arsenal for EUR33m and EUR42.5m respectively. Somewhat less cash-money was generated by Jonathan dos Santos (EUR2m) and Bojan (EUR4m) joining Villarreal and somewhat implausibly, Stoke.

Suárez minus his mouth-weapons

     The flip-side of this coin is, of course, that Barcelona managed to sign the 'humble' (not the first word that springs to mind for most, Andoni) Luis Suárez from Liverpool for a staggering EUR81m. There were rumours before that they may have included a 'no biting clause' (and what the fuck kind of adult human being needs that kind of shit written into a contract), but what are they going to do if when he bites someone again? Cancel his contract and not take any money from the queue of massive teams lining up to sign him? Brilliant footballer, abhorrent human man. The club (can they be called a club, they're supposed to be 'more than' that, aren't they?) would do best to extract all his teeth and allow him to wear dentures while out and about on the street, provided he can prove his control over them.

     Of the actual humans signed, Ivan Rakitic is the pick of the bunch. One of the very best players in the entire league last year, Barcelona prised him away from Sevilla with the offer of EUR18m plus a borrow of Denis Suárez. The team behind new manager Luis 'turncoat' Enrique also sanctioned the signing of two highly impressive 'keepers - letter minefield Marc-André ter Stegen from Borussia Mönchengladbach for EUR12m and Chilean #1 Claudio Bravo for EUR12m from Real Sociedad. The team also made left-back Jérémy Mathieu the most expensive-ever signing over 30 when they paid Valencia EUR20m for his services.

Celta de Vigo

'El Bati' in his new surroundings

     Os Célticos finished an impressive 9th last time out - 10 points above the relegation zone nine places below but also 10 points behind Sociedad in the last European spot just two places above.

     In a bid to push on, the team has raided Barcelona B for two defenders - Carles Planas and Sergi Gómez. More importantly, Celta managed to bring in forward Joaquín 'el Bati' Larrivey on a free from Rayo Vallecano, and the Argentine hitman will look to form a good partnership with naturalised Chilean Pablo Hernández, who has arrived from O'Higgins for a fee of EUR1.6m. Born in Tucumán, Argentina, Hernández received a Chilean passport earlier in the year and played for the team in a World Cup warm-up against Costa Rica, where he scored a brace. If he keeps up a scoring record of two goals per game he'll even manage to challenge CR7 and Messi for the Pichichi. Maybe.

Córdoba

Happy new additions Deivid & Fidel

     After finishing 7th in Segunda last season (and even that only on goal difference over Recreativo), Córdoba saw off Las Palmas in a tight two-legged final to reclaim their place at the top table of Spanish football for the first time in 42 years. Manager Albert Ferrer, yes that one, obviously has faith in his side's defence, thus far only adding Deivid on a free from their vanquished promotion opponents.

     Further forward, los Califas have added firepower in the shape of giant Japanese centre-forward Mike Havenaar (yes, in spite of the name he is genuinely Japanese, albeit by birth) on a free from Vitesse. Incoming midfielders have come in the flavours of José Carlos, from Rayo, and Patrick Ekeng from Lausanne. In addition, Ferrer has loaned in exitingly-named Brazilian wing-smith Ryder Matos from Fiorentina, Fidel from Elche and Fede Cartabia from Valencia.

Deportivo La Coruña

Arriving in Galícia: Cuenca

     After leading the way in the Segunda for much of the season, Superdépor were overtaken by fairy tale team Eibar at the death and finished second. Thus far their only concrete business has seen them bring in Isaac Cuenca from Barcelona after the Catalans agreed to rescind the pacey young player's contract. He will be hoping to resurrect his once-promising career after falling out of the picture and being loaned out to Ajax last term.

     Joining him will be a clutch of loan signings. It's easier to list them than go through them all individually, so they are - defender Roberto Canella from Sporting Gijón and midfielders Luis Carlos Fariña, Lucas Pérez and José Rodriguez from Benfica, PAOK and Real Madrid respectively.

Eibar

     After managing to raise the amount stipulated by the Spanish FA, Eibar will be allowed to take their rightful place in the Primera Liga next season for the very first time! Huzzah! And extremely well done to anyone who bought shares in the little club to help them achieve their goal. No-one connected with the club will underestimate the task facing them this season, though. Their championship-winning squad was filled with a mass of loan signings, many of whom will not be returning to Ipurua this time round.

Dani García (renewal) & Javi Lara,
with scarves. Big scarves.

     Predictably, all their signings so far have been on frees. As much as fans like the fairy tale story of a tiny team from a far-flung part of the country with a stadium holding barely over 5,000 getting into the Big Time, players prefer money. Los Armeros, therefore, have so far only managed to persuade three blokes to join their crew. Manager and former player Gaizka Garitano will be hoping that Levante's Ángel will be able to provide some goals while Jaime Jiménez, from Valladolid, will be able to keep them out at the other end. In between the pair, journeyman midfieldster Javi Lara has joined from Ponferradina in what is something like the 74th transfer of his career.

Elche

     Along with Almería, Elche also finished last season one point above the drop zone. While the team's goal difference of -20 was better than many of those around them, they only managed to score 30 goals in 38 games. Nonetheless, manager Fran Escribá hasn't seemed preoccupied with bringing extra firepower into his front line. The only actual striker to have joined is Jonathas, who arrives on loan after scoring 15 in 37 for Latina in Lega Pro Prima Divisione/B last season, helping them win promotion to Serie B after finishing third.

Pasalic with the customary thumbs-up

     In midfield, Fayçal Fajr was secured on a free from Caen, Adrián Gonzalez joined from Rayo, as did former Real Madrid youth Pedro Mosquera. Poland international 'keeper Przemysław Tytoń has joined on loan from PSV Eindhoven, but the most interesting Eastern European addition is Mario Pasalic, who joins on loan from Chelsea. Despite never having played an international game, the German-born 19-year-old was part of Croatia's initial World Cup squad before missing out in the final cut. He's highly-regarded by the West Londoners and it will be interesting to see how he fares.

Espanyol

An absolute unit: Caicedo

     Los Periquitos had a quiet season and pulled themselves together before the end to finish 14th, albeit only 3 points above the drop. Nevertheless Dépor legend Sergio, in his very first appointment as manager, feels the scoring side wasn't such a problem last season, and has therefore only added spectacularly-dredded former Manchester City misfit Felipe Caicedo to his forward line on a free from Al Jazira, where he had presumably got tired of reading the news.

     Defenders Anaitz Arbilla and Álvaro González have joined from Rayo and Real Zaragoza respectively, while link men Paco Montañés and Salva Sevilla signed up to the Barcelona club from Zaragoza (again) and Seville team Betis.

That concludes the run-down of the first 10 Primera Liga teams. The second half of this enthralling, rip-roaring, unputdownable internetty scribe will be posted in the next few days/next week/when I can be bothered/never/no, probably in the next few days, actually.

WC 2014 - Spain obliterated by rampant Dutch

     Wow. Just wow. That was pretty bloody emphatic in the end.
     Spain, widely recognised as one of - if not the very - best teams in the history of international football, came to Brazil to defend its shiniest trinket, the World Cup won so imperiously in South Africa four years ago against their opponents here. They came with much the same squad while the Netherlands undertook a complete overhaul of theirs after betraying their principles in that bad-tempered final. After this absolute demolition job questions will no doubt be raised about some of the legends in the team that played in white on Friday evening.

The guilty parties

     The core of the Spain squad has remained pretty unchanged since it bagged the first in its three-in-a-row trophy haul in 2008 - 12 of that squad are still in the group now including 7 who started in the final against Germany. There were accusations even before this mauling that perhaps the players were becoming a bit leggy as time continues to march on for them, as it must for us all. Coach Vicente del Bosque defended them, saying they were seasoned rather than veteran, but some of the performances at the Arena Fonte Nova said otherwise. Although it is far too early to discount this team, there were worrying signs all over the pitch for the world champions. The first of which was when they marched out to reveal an all-white strip. I wouldn't mind, but the Netherlands were also in their 'away' kit. So what the hell was all that about? I know it's not important, especially bearing in mind the result, but it still irks me. Anyway, back to the actual football.
     Most of the world is envious of the strength in depth of the national pool available to the Spanish team, and yet they took the plane to Brazil with seven players (six now since Cesc signed for Chelsea) from a Barcelona team that won nothing whatsoever for the first time in six years, and only three from the exhilarating Atlético Madrid team that won the league and lost in the Champions League final. Of those three, only one got a run-out on the pitch, and he was a Brazilian in Spaniards clothing who played poorly, albeit in only his third cap for his adopted country.
     Diego Costa has taken a lot of flak already for his performance, both on social media and in the Spanish papers, and while I thought he was terrible on Friday, in mitigation it must be said that he plays a totally different system with Atleti, for whom he has performed superbly since taking over

Costa makes sure he goes down

from Falcao as the focal point of the team's attacks. For me, it was perhaps too soon to chuck him in the starting line-up, given that he'd played just two games with Spain before the tournament and has only just recovered from injury. He was full of running against the Dutch and opened up spaces for another striker to run into - the problem being that there was no other striker. He plays a different game to the rest of this tiki-taka team, and in the first half the midfield elves behind him kept uncharacteristically pinging long balls up-field for him to chase, against their better judgement - and against their preferred style of play. This was not some sort of tiki-taka evolution, it was pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-LONGBALL!! And it just didn't work. Not in the slightest.
     Costa was barracked by his fellow Brazilians in the crowd all game whenever he received possession, quite rightly, and frankly looked far better without the ball than with it. When he did

Stay classy, Diego

have the ball at feet he either fell over it or spanked wild shots metres wide of the target. Really, he was more of a danger to the fans in the stands than the Dutch goal. At times he looked like someone teleported in from another sport entirely, so absent was his mastery of the round white thing that's so central to this game. However, one thing Costa does know about top-flight football is how to play the darker side to his advantage. After 25 minutes a good ball from one of his mini-minions released the striker into the box. His first touch was slightly heavy but as he turned back onto his right foot the covering Stefan de Vrij slid in and missed the ball. Penalty. It looked for all the world that the defender may have caught Costa's foot but replays suggested the man from Lagarto, rather than stepping over the challenge, made sure to plant his trailing foot where it would be taken from under him. And besides, anyone who's seen Costa play knows he doesn't need to be touched or have someone from Japan reffing the game in order to hit the turf. Although he went the right way, Jasper Cillessen couldn't keep out Xabi Alonso's penalty.
     Costa showed more of his dark side in the second half and should have been sent off for being a dick. For apparently no reason whatsoever he pushed his head into Martins Indi when the ball was out of play. The Dutch defender should also have been booked for being an absolute tart, taking two seconds to decide he'd go down clutching his face in apparent agony. Good thing I'm not a ref - both teams would end up down to 9 men regularly.

The turning point of the match

     By that time, however, the tide had turned considerably and Spain were 2-1 down. The turning point in the match came just before half time. Spain had been good value for their lead in the first half without creating too many chances, although they'd invited danger by playing a suicidally high line against the pace of Batman and Robben. Iniesta played an absolutely exquisite reverse-pass to put David Silva clean through on goal, but the Manchester City wing-sprite elected to arrogantly try and chip the 'keeper rather than passing it round him into the net. Cillessen, winning only his ninth cap, stood up well right 'til the very end and managed to flick Silva's lob wide for a corner.

The newly-invented header-lob

     Within a minute of that spurned chance the Oranje were level. A visionary long pass from the impressive Daley Blind found Robin van Persie running into miles and miles of green grass by himself with nary a defender in sight. As the ball dropped out of the stifling evening air towards him, van Persie looked up and saw Iker Casillas stuttering off his line. Arching his back while in mid-air, the now-flying Dutchman flicked the ball over the stranded 'keeper and brought his team level. That was the kind of predatory instinct you cannot possibly teach, although Spain had been asking to be opened up in this kind of fashion all game by playing such an arrogantly high line.
     Spain were as shellshocked as the Dutch were jubilant and went in at the break with much to ponder. Within 10 minutes of the restart, though, the Netherlands took the lead in a similar manner to their equaliser. Another beautiful ball from Blind fell to Robben in the area with Piqué miles from him. Now, as good as Robben undoubtedly is, he can barely even stand on his right foot and certainly doesn't use it for footballings. Piqué obviously didn't get that memo as his powerderpuff challenge allowed the follically-challenged Dutchman to turn back onto his favoured left and smash the ball past the despairing dive of Ramos to earn some redemption for his well-documented miss in the final four years ago. 2-1 to Holland and they were looking dominant. On the hour mark they could have extended their lead further, van Persie smashing a shot off the face of the crossbar with the flying Casillas at full stretch but beaten.

Ouch

     A couple of minutes later del Bosque elected to make a double change, with one sub being more surprising than the other. Off came Costa to a final chorus of boos from the Brazilians in the crowd (and some Spaniards, no doubt), being replaced by Torres, who apparently used to score goals many moons ago. If that change was obvious, the next was far more perplexing, with the Spanish manager deciding to take off Xabi Alonso and replace him with Pedro. Del Bosque could see the tide had swung in the Netherlands' favour, but rather than shoring up his midfield he uncharacteristically elected to open it accommodatingly wide. Usually he is a more patient man than shown here. To my mind, if any of the central midfielders had to be taken off, it should have either been human stain 'Hyacinth' Busquets or the dwindling Xavi. Alonso has a far greater passing range than either and could have picked out Pedro's runs all day long. He's also more defensively sound than the Barcelona man. As it was, the decision pretty much gave the Dutch the freedom to roam at will through the diminished centre of the Spanish side, which they proceeded to do with alarming regularity.
     Two minutes after the subs, the men in dark blue were 3-1 to the good. The standard of refereeing in this tournament has ranged from the derisory - Wilmer Roldán and his linesman in the Mexico-Cameroon game - to the downright scandalous/disgraceful/corrupt - Yuichi Nishimura, the world's looking at you. I will say that Italian ref Nicola Rizzoli was better than both of these jokers, but kept getting fooled by execrable rat-cheat Busquets' disgusting diving antics and could have sent off Costa a) for being a dick b) for not playing for his real country and c) for pushing his head into another player. Nonetheless, what the blue hell he gave the Dutch a freekick for on 64 minutes is beyond me. Piqué couldn't believe it either but the dead ball was duly dispatched into the box and Stefan de Vrij converted after Casillas had come out and been impeded by van Persie. The Real Madrid number two was booked for his protestations after the goal, but replays showed he probably wouldn't have reached the ball regardless. All in all a bad day at the office for Iker who afterwards admitted it had been "the worst performance of my career".

That's when you want the ground
to swallow you up

     The Spanish briefly rallied and Silva did manage to put the ball in the net three minutes later, but was correctly called offside. This was the first decision any referee had managed to get right all tournament long, including kick-off times and even putting the right shoe on the right foot. A few minutes later, however, it appeared legendary 'keeper Casillas was the one who'd put his boots on the wrong feet. An innocuous back-pass, the touch of a rapist, the ball presented to van Persie and suddenly it's a scarcely believable 4-1. Amateurish stuff from Casillas, a man with 155 caps and the world record for the most international clean sheets, but who has only played for his team in the league twice all season.
     By this point the entire collective will of the Spain team was solely concentrated on speeding up the clock and bringing the final whistle, but the rampant Dutch weren't finished, not just yet. From defence to attack in a couple of touches - in the best Real Madrid traditions - Wesley Sneijder, who'd been foiled by Casillas with the score at 0-0 in the first half, released an absolute peach of a pass to Arjen Robben. Few players in the world have much of a chance with the Chelsea reject in a straight footrace, and Sergio Ramos isn't one of them. To be fair he should've known this and slid in

Fuck off Robben, we can count

to divert the ball wide before Robben took his first touch of it, but he passed up the opportunity and was never going to catch him after that. Casillas, presumably pinching himself to check this wasn't all some weird horrible acidy nightmare, was caught in two minds whether to come out or retreat to his line and did neither. Robben proceeded to sit him on his arse - twice - presumably enjoying some pay-back for Johannesburg, before blasting in the fifth goal. 5-1 against the world champions. I did wonder what odds you'd get on that, and it turns out it was 999-1. Someone actually bet on it. And I bet they'll be kicking themselves for not putting an extra quid on it an' all. 'Tis the way of such things.
     There was still time for Casillas to make two brilliant saves which won't be remembered in the aftermath of this game; the second from Robben after a lazy, fed-up clearance from Azpilicueta, and then for Torres to miss an open goal. Poor Álvaro Negredo must be sitting at home laughing ruefully at what he saw on Friday. Missing the final cut for the second consecutive competition, he's just had a major hand helping Man City to the title in the Premier League, and yet he was overlooked for a man who's 32 and has pitched up at a non-existent American team and consequently been banished to the comparative backwaters of Australia, a man who couldn't score in a Newcastle nightclub at 3 in the morning and a Brazilian who isn't even slightly Spanish (but admittedly has had a great season). I suppose the hundreds of grands a week he's on will soften the blow, but still.

If this were Redknapp, he'd be telling
them all how 'triffic' they've been

     As the final whistle went, the cameras cut to del Bosque walking down the line of despondent players on the bench, tapping each one on the head and murmuring some words to each of them. Spain had just suffered the third worst defeat in their entire history. A few of those left to kick their heels in the dugout can legitimately wonder whether they've a chance of getting out on the pitch for the must-win game against Chile, but I feel the manager will not alter the team much. Iniesta is assured of a place, as is Xabi Alonso. Silva put in a decent shift even if he did pass up the opportunity to put Spain 2-0 up. Despite disappearing for vast tracts of the game Xavi will almost definitely start as he is the metronome that keeps them ticking on a good day. Even apart from his outlandish little-girl falling-over antics (with apologies to little girls everywhere for the comparison) Busquets was shocking, but then again I often think that and am constantly told how wrong I am on that score, so what do I know? As poor as Piqué was, often not even in the same postcode as the striker he was supposed to be marking and continually declining the opportunity to tackle, he'll probably still line up alongside Ramos - who was more headless chicken than defender - simply because the back-up options aren't very attractive. Jordi Alba had a quiet game but is another sure starter, but I feel Azpilicueta may be replaced by Juanfran. Still can't see why Dani Carvajal was overlooked though. Up front, Costa shouldn't be allowed to play for Spain in the first

'Dejected' doesn't quite cover it

place, but even apart from that he's on a different wavelength to the rest of the team - perhaps because he's from a different country - and looked like a donkey here. Possibly as big a question mark has been raised over Iker Casillas. For my money I don't think del Bosque can or will drop him. For one thing, he's the captain, and for another it'd shake the basis of the team too much, just like Rob Green being outcast after his howler against the USA four years ago. Yes, he let in five and yes he was 100% at fault for one and could have done better with some of the others, but if his head hasn't gone after this debacle he will still line up as captain on Wednesday.
     There's absolutely no doubt about it - Spain were completely deconstructed by the Dutch - the question is, can del Bosque put them back together again before the next match?

Think these guys may have
felt a bit silly after the result

Eibar - the champions who could go down

     SD Eibar are guaranteed a top-two place in the Segunda División. The fans should be looking forward to welcoming Real Madrid and Barcelona to their tiny Ipurua stadium up in the Basque mountains next year but could instead find themselves turning out to watch Real Unión and Barakaldo. Instead of ascending to La Liga, the club could be demoted to playing next season in Segunda B. That's a difference of two whole divisions between where they deserve to be and where they may end up. As with most screwed-up things in Spanish football, it is entirely the governing body's fault due to its short-sightedness and lack of forethought.
     Eibar has always been a small club. Situated up in the Gipuzkoa area of the Basque Country, the city is home to just over 27,000 people. The team plays in the 5,250-capacity Estadio Municipal de Ipurua and usually struggles to even half-fill that meagre allocation. In its 74-year history, Eibar has split the majority of its time between the Segunda and Tercera Divisiones; 26 years in the former, 28 in the latter and just 7 in between in Segunda B. Although they boast a strong Basque identity, the team's kit is rather more Catalan in flavour. Back in 1944 the team found itself short of a kit to play in and so the regional federation loaned it a full Barcelona one, and the colours have since stuck. The Catalan giants helped out again last week, agreeing to sell the unused blaugrana confetti from the last-day disappointment against Atlético Madrid at a massive discount to money-light Eibar. Apparently, if it's not used within a certain timeframe it turns lumpy. That would've been some way for Barça to celebrate any potential achievement next season - purpley-red mashed potato cascading down on the massed Culés. Bleurgh. Thinking about it, I'm sure Mono Burgos would have been able to find it a good home, if push came to shove.

Given a guard of honour by the Lugo players

     Eibar beat Lugo 1-0 at home last weekend with an early goal from loan-star Jota, and if they beat Numancia on Sunday they will secure first place, ahead of also-promoted Deportivo La Coruna (although they did lose 2-1 at home to los Numantinos on matchday 21). Depor travel to Girona the previous evening and may face a trickier test as the opposition are currently in 19th and fighting for their lives in order to avoid the relegation zone, while Numancia are safe from bothering either the top or bottom of the table, in 12th. By rights, the mountaintop city of Eibar should be preparing for a party already. And yet, although fans and players have already been celebrating with their cut-price confetti and bagpiping aplenty, there has been a slight edge to the festivities, an underlying worry...
     Eibar are something of an anomaly in Spain - they are one of the very few clubs in the top two divisions not to have any debt. The club operates completely in the black within its budget of EUR3.5m, the smallest in the Segunda. It pays its players on time, and in full. And yet, all these things are behind the reason little Eibar may be prevented from lining against the Ronaldos and Messis of the Primera División for the very first time in its history next season.
     Back in 1999, Spain decided it would finally take a stand against football clubs continually spending way beyond their means, without any punishment whatsoever, in order to get to and then stay in the Primera División. To this end, Real Decreto 1251/1999 was born. This states that every team in the top two professional divisions has to have a capital equal to 25% of the average expenses of all teams in the same league as them, not including the two with the largest and the two with the smallest outgoings. In addition, all clubs except for Real Madrid, Barcelona, Athletic Bilbao and Osasuna (for historical reasons) must convert to an S.A.D., or Sociedad Anónima Deportiva - a public limited sports company - after staying in the league for more than a season. To be fair the rule was brought in on good faith and was aimed at discouraging the massive debt Spanish clubs seem so keen on enveloping themselves in, but simply did not take into account small, extremely well-run clubs like Eibar. Goes to show what a rarity they are.

5,250-capacity Ipurua, up in the mountains

     All of this means los Armeros, whose social capital is EUR422,253, have to raise EUR2,146,525 in order to be able to take their rightful place in La Liga next season. This leaves the club with roughly EUR1.7m to raise and only a matter of months in which to do it. If they can't raise the funds by early August they will be relegated back to the maelstrom that is Segunda División B. In order to make up this massive amount, the club has set up the defiendealeibar site, where people can buy shares at EUR50 (£40) each. This has been doing extremely well so far, but as there is a limit on how many shares an individual can buy, it will take a lot of interest for the club to make its target.
     It must be emphasised at this point that Eibar are not the only club to be affected by this law - Lugo and Mirandés were in the same situation last year and both managed to come through the other side. However, the two situations differ as neither of those two were on the verge of promotion (Lugo finished 11th and Mirandés 15th) and people have been incensed by the possibility that the best team in the league, which had only just been promoted from Segunda B the season before, could be relegated back there. 'Unfair' is a word that keeps cropping up, and it is indeed unfair that Eibar could be punished simply for being well-run while most of the other teams around them continue spunking money up the wall. Another way of looking at the blatant injustice of the situation is that it could in fact help Eibar: The other two clubs managed to raise their capital to meet the amount specified in the complicated workings set out in the Royal Decree even though they were unfashionable small clubs whose story did not make big news even in Spain, let alone internationally. Conversely, Eibar's story has been widely circulated to bellows of justified outrage, and so in theory it should prove easier for them to raise the necessary capital thanks to the goodwill of football fans both at home and abroad. Add World Cup winners Xabi Alonso and David Silva raising awareness of Eibar's plight (the pair both used to play for the Basque side on loan from their respective clubs) and fingers crossed Eibar will be a fixture in the Primera División calendar next season. Football paper Marca seems pretty sure they're up, often not even mentioning the precarious position Eibar finds itself in when it deigns to report on the Liga Adelante.

Celebrating now, but will they be
celebrating come August?

     Nonetheless, the problems would not stop there for Eibar were the football authorities to graciously accept them into the Primera. Four of the team that beat Lugo last week were players loaned from other clubs. Matchwinner in the last two games Jota is borrowed from Celta Vigo and will return to his parent club with his model girlfriend Jessica Bueno. A double shame for most supporters. Two-thirds of the players loaned in from Real Sociedad are set to leave Eibar for sure: Dani García and former Tottenham never-man Yuri Berchiche are leaving town and the future of Alain Eizmendi is up in the air at the moment. The winger Jose Luis Morales could return to Levante and although he'd obviously prefer to stay and go up with the team to La Liga, the Brazilian Gilvan Gomes previously agreed to return to Hércules. Perversely, the winger could yet be in the same boat as Eibar nonetheless, as he could have been going up but is instead going down - Hércules are four points from safety and therefore destined to finish stone-last in the Segunda. Many of the rest of the squad are at polar opposite ends of their playing careers, and one can imagine it will prove difficult to lure higher-profile 'names' to play in front of fewer than 5,000 fans week-in, week-out. But that's not how they do things in these parts anyway - the manager has previously stated that no player is bigger than the club and that is a phrase to which they are keen to stay true. In Gaizka Garitano's own words; "One thing is non-negotiable: we're all the same, there are no splits and anyone who does not share that view has no place here."

Eibar's other 'ascent'

     After the 1-0 win against Lugo, the Eibar players 'celebrated' their pending promotion (fund-raising notwithstanding!) by undertaking the gruelling Santuario de Arrate climb by bike. This is a 7.5km route that begins in the city and ends 535m higher above sea level. I don't know which sadist on the coaching staff came up with the idea but I can imagine that half-way up many of the players will have been wishing the league had relegated them after all!
     The donations keep dripping in bit by bit, and the club has so far raised nearly 72% of the necessary amount with 61 days remaining in which to raise the rest. Hopefully enough people who care about justice in football will come forward between now and then to ensure Eibar are playing at the level they have earned. Club president Alex Aranzabal flatly rejected the proposal that the club could be sold to outside investment, saying "we'd rather take the punishment and get demoted rather than share the soul of what SD Eibar is as a football club." Let us hope it does not come to that.

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