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| The United Nations, as represented by Switzerland |
Unexpected names within squads
I would like to stress that I'm not laughing at foreign names on account of them being foreign, merely just that some didn't seem to quite 'fit'. Costa Rica had a brilliant array of unexpected names, from reserve 'keeper Patrick Pemberton - who sounds like he should be village postman in the leafy Cotswolds - to Yeltsin Tejeda, whose name needs no explanation. Actually, it needs quite a lot of explanation really. They've also got Roy Miller and Waylon Francis who sound like they should be playing baseball and basketball respectively. It gets even funnier when it transpires that Kenny Cunningham and Rodney Wallace were both dropped just before the preliminary squad was announced.
In what must Shirley show what a forward-thinking, welcoming country it is, Switzerland had a squad bursting with non-Germanic monikers. Too many to list them all but foremost among their number were the likes of Xherdan Shaqiri, Granit Xhaka, Gökhan Inler, Haris Seferović, Blerim Džemaili, Ricardo Rodríguez and Valon Behrami. While we're on the subject, before she got together with Piqué, couldn't someone have introduced Shakira to Shaqiri??
As an aside to this, first names on kits became more common than just the made-up names sported by Brazilians for the better part of a century, with James (Rodríguez) and Memphis (Depay) foremost among the exponents of this trend. Ravel (Morrison) has already tried this in England and frankly looks bloody stupid.
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| Kits o'clock |
Stupid monochrome kits
Stupid bloody FIFA brought in a poorly-worded, stupid bloody directive that caused confusion and apparent panic in the Adidas ranks. The joke organisation wanted to make sure all those millions around the world watching football on their tellies or down the pub were able to discern the two teams playing on their HD screens, and so launched their directive stating that each team must have one dark and one light kit. And only use a maximum of four colours in each. You can only imagine what Jorge Campos (look him up, kids - USA '94) made of that last bit.
Adidas then decided that to err on the side of caution they'd make all their kits monochrome. Some might say the fact I care about this makes me a loser. They're almost certainly right. Nevertheless, I think it takes away from a team's identity. Spain in all red á la Liverpool? Germany without black shorts?? Pure foolishment if you ask me.
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| Umm, a clock |
Great 2nd halves
Although I can hand-on-heart say I've enjoyed this World Cup more than any other and there have been some unbelievably good games, quite a lot of them have been slow burners. The good thing was that after the first few matches you soon realised that even if the opening 45 minutes had been absolutely abject, the second halves almost always improved massively. In fact, most games seemed to get better the longer they went on. I can't remember another competition where there have been so many dramatic, late, game-changing goals (and I can't be bothered to trawl through records to find out!), just one of the reasons for an excellent, feel-good competition.
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| Brazuca in its natural habitat |
An actual round ball
Over the previous tournaments it seemed the scientists tinkered more and more with the most important aspect of football - the ball itself - in an attempt to make it perfectly smooth and round. When they finally got that right, with the Jabulani for World Cup 2010 in South Africa, it was discovered that an almost perfectly smooth, round ball is actually counterproductive to good football. And so for this World Cup Adidas just went down the high street and picked up the least-scarred football in there for under £20 and bunged a 'Brazuca' sticker on it. Excellent move it was too, no-one's made a single complaint about the ball and that's how it should be.
Also, it even had a personality as demonstrated on its own Twitter account, proclaiming during the Germany-Algeria game that "Manuel Neuer won’t even let me in the box, let alone the net". |
| Joyous football, Costa Rica-style |
'Smaller' teams playing well
In my opinion, most of the traditional 'smaller' teams fared well in Brazil, many of them seemingly determined not to be overawed by either the occasion or their illustrious opposition. Costa Rica are the obvious stand-out performers in this respect. Being drawn in a group including three World Cup winners they stuck stubbornly to their gameplan and not only escaped but ended up winning the group. With an excellent work ethic and good coaching from a man who looks like a small Columbo, they went as far as the quarter finals before being beaten by intimidating Dutch substitute Tim Krul on penalties. Each and every one of them a national hero now.
I'd balk at calling Chile one of the smaller teams (well, they were my outside bet at the beginning!) but they were in a group with Spain and the Netherlands. They beat the World Cup holders easily and were oh so unlucky to lose to an underwhelming Brazil in the second round, Mauricio Pinillas' drive smashing back off the woodwork right at the death before they lost on penalties.
Greece came with a wholly unsurprising gameplan but stuck to it well even after defeat in their first game and also went out on penalties in the second round. Australia did reasonably well. OK, they ended up bottom of the group with zero points, and were even beaten by Spain, but in the previous two games they really added to the competition and kept attacking. This was Bosnia and Herzegovina's first major tournament, and although they should have done better than to secure just three points, they were unlucky with refereeing decisions and only lost to Argentina because of an unlucky early own-goal we'll just put down to big stage nerves.
Greece came with a wholly unsurprising gameplan but stuck to it well even after defeat in their first game and also went out on penalties in the second round. Australia did reasonably well. OK, they ended up bottom of the group with zero points, and were even beaten by Spain, but in the previous two games they really added to the competition and kept attacking. This was Bosnia and Herzegovina's first major tournament, and although they should have done better than to secure just three points, they were unlucky with refereeing decisions and only lost to Argentina because of an unlucky early own-goal we'll just put down to big stage nerves.
| 57% of Brazil is covered by rainforest The rest is covered by Manuel Neuer |
Goalkeeping par excellence
Usually fans flock to watch the World Cup for displays of attacking flair and power, but even though this has been a great competition for goals, it has also been a highlight for the stand-out brilliance of a few goalkeepers. Foremost among these is Mexican Guillermo Ochoa, whose agent must be over the moon with his displays in Brazil. Having just seen out his contract with Ajaccio after relegation from Ligue 1, he is now a free transfer with many top clubs chasing him following a string of near-godly performances between the sticks. Keylor Navas also excelled himself, while Tim Howard was widely praised for a game in which the ball was repeatedly kicked straight at him. However, ahead of all these Manuel Neuer has cemented his place as the best 'keeper in the world no matter what happens on Sunday (apart from a couple of calamitous own-goals, obviously!). At times he almost rewrote the book on goalkeeping, haring up to 40 yards off his line to sweep up behind his defence. Unquestionably the best in the world at the moment, and the scary thing is he's still relatively young for a 'keeper at 28.
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| "Ow, Suárez bit me!!" |
Various levels of pointless violence
Where else to start this than with the Luis Suárez bite? The mentally-challenged bigtooth goal-getter quite obviously (in replays) chomped down on Italy's Giorgio Chiellini because things weren't going his way. The only thing more cringe-worthy than this human scum's defence that he 'lost balance' and his 'head fell into the defender' is people trying to argue his case by saying worse fouls happen all the time in football. For fuck's sake, toddlers know that biting is wrong. Suárez really is little more than an arsehole and big teeth on legs. Creepy image. Apart from that, the fact I still haven't seen #comedydefender David Luiz get a red card for his constant elbowing dumfounds me. This awful clown of the backline is forever elbowing the world in the face, yet refs miss it all the time.
Other 'highlights' included Cameroon prats Benoît Assou-Ekotto and Alex Song, one of whom headbutted a teammate and the other who got sent off for improbably elbowing Mario Mandzukic in the spine, Pepe getting a red card for stupidly yet delicately nudging Thomas Müller's forehead with his own, and the unfortunate challenge on Neymar by Juan Camilo Zúñiga which was definitely unintentional, as much as many in Brazil like to think otherwise.
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| According to the TV cameramen, this is what most of the crowds looked like |
Stupid stupid 'fans'
Now, call me old-fashioned but when I go to the football, I go to - you know - watch the football. No such antiquated thinking among the international football fan community apparently, who are more than happy to lope about whenever spotted by a camera. Pretty much every fucker spotted by cameramen was delighted to be up on the big screen, even if their team was getting absolutely shafted at the time. I spent my World Cup hoping someone supporting a losing team would respond to the camera with a quick 'fuck off' or middle finger, but alas no joy. These are not real fans I feel.
TV cameramen every four years go totty-crazy as well. Every time there's a lull in play the director will cut to either an attractive or scantily-clad member of the crowd, or a bloke dressed up in a 'zany' costume. It leaves you wondering what these cameramen do in the intervening years; I presume many of them have raps for voyeurism.
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| Definitely not Adrian Chiles... |
TV presenters (not our ones, though)
I'll be honest, when it comes to the terrestrial TV channels here, I don't mind the two oft-hated figures as much as everyone else seems to. I actually quite like Mark 'grumpy old man' Lawrenson - at least he calls out diving unlike the rest of the fraternity who call it 'embellishment' or other such assorted bollocks. And I don't even find Adrian 'Brummie geezer next to you at the bar down the local' Chiles and his everyman schtick that tiring either, in small doses. The Brazilian public didn't feel the same however, a big crack in the ITV studio window appearing suspiciously close to his head after a spot of rioting. Still, as has been noted elsewhere by a justifiably jealous British public over the past month, Vanessa Huppenkothen and Mariana Gonzalez of Mexico, Kay Murray from Bein Sports, Roberta Setimi from Brazil and Alejandra Buitrago from Colombia are most definitely not Adrian Chiles...
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| '...the Lion King's dad' |
Meme-spouting
This was the most social media World Cup of all time. Not that surprising, considering they didn't have all that many smartphones when the competition started, when England won it, or even when Maradona had that helping paw from Him Upstairs, but still I'm sure it's impressive for someone. Consequently, this was probably also the 'most-memed' World Cup of all as well. Much as I hate three vowels after the other in a word, I have to note that Van Persieing was the first to take off, literally. This saw people lie face-down and put their arms in the air behind them, like the Dutch flyer's landing after he scored that amazing headed equaliser against Spain. A better and more imaginative meme was Things Tim Howard Could Save, which saw internetters photoshopping the US goal
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| Intentional or not? |
Germany's class free-kick
The game between Germany and Algeria was unexpectedly one of the very best, with end to end football and Manuel Neuer pretty much patrolling the half-way line. However the thing I'll remember most was the botched 'botched' Germany free kick. I like invention when it comes to deadballs and this was one of the most devious yet. With five players gathered round the wall, Schweinsteiger executed a stepover before Thomas Müller tripped over while running towards it. While the wall was distracted he got up and span round it, while Toni Kroos attempted to chip the ball over to his unmarked teammate. It didn't work but it was bloody fiendish. Everyone else in the pub was cracking up, thinking the Krauts had ballsed it up. I was the only one to see it as it was, a very well-worked free kick routine that just didn't come off. Looks bloody stupid when you get it wrong, though!
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| Blatter: an arsehole |
Blatter-bating
Now every fan in footballdom knows that Sepp Blatter embodies all that's wrong with football. I used to be sure he was just a fat old wind-up merchant or a made-up cartoon baddie like John Terry, but it turns out he's real and seemingly doesn't understand why every single person in the world - even those who have never heard of him - hate every last molecule of his being. He loves to be seen at big FIFA events, never missing a chance to plaster his ugly boat over the big screens. However, in Brazil he finally got his comeuppance, and was roundly booed by pretty much everyone in the stadium every time his Chevy Chase was shown on the big screen. Whoever decides what goes up on those screens soon stopped showing him. I've got to say, if it were me I would've shown his face every time the ball went out of play.
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| Wrestling mask, check. Sombrero, check. Ready |
Fan-bating
Football is of course a participation activity for fans, and the World Cup is no exception. Of course most stadia were filled with Brazilians with no more than pockets of 'away' fans - for the European sides anyway. The other South American fans were always out in force, and none more so than the Mexican followers. My enduring memory of them will be all the many thousands of them going ¡¡PUTO!! as one every time the opposition 'keeper took a goal kick. Kind of like the "you. fat. BASTARD!" heard in every English stadium, although FIFA were considering banning the practice ahead of the tournament. Brazilian fans naturally supported anyone playing Argentina so the final will see them standing staunchly behind Germany. In the second semi, Argie fans took great delight in relentlessly chanting 'siete, siete' in response to the hosts' humbling the previous day. Good times.
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| I simply had to include this photo |
Salty, salty Brazilian tears
The entire Brazil squad burst into tears at any given moment with seemingly the most minor encouragement. Good, bad, indifferent, they bawled their eyes out regardless, the emotionally-stunted individuals. Their fans were positively staid by comparison which, if you know any Brazilians, is really saying something (although they were, every single one of them, squeaky as fuck). Of course, that historically embarrassing bollocking handed out by Germany in the semi turned out to be a legitimate reason for players and fans alike to burst into tears. I don't think any of them will be getting over that for generations. I was laughing along with everyone else in that last game, but let us remember we've all been there as football fans. We just didn't cry like a load of pussies.
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| Close to coming a cropper |
Entertaining managers
Usually the players are the stars and the management goes unnoticed or underappreciated. 2014, however, was a break-out year for those in the dug-out. Mexico's Miguel Herrera was pure box office, racing around his technical area and waving his arms about at any refereeing decision. The only down-side with him was the sheer number of imaginary yellow cards he brandished. Jorge Luis Pinto of Costa Rica obviously got his team hitting above their 'station' but was also good to keep an eye on while on the sidelines. He also looked like a miniature Columbo with massive cuffs. Far more understated than this pair was Argentina's Alejandro Sabella who kept me entertained throughout with his deadpan reactions to player injuries and especially for his own meme-moment when he nearly hit the deck and split his head open after Gonzalo Higuaín smacked the bar against Belgium. Pure gold.
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| Unexpected, to say the least |
Shock results
It's strange, in a World Cup so chock full of action, talking points and great games, that there hasn't been one stand-out team in the competition. Germany are probably the closest we've come but even so they didn't look amazing throughout all their earlier games. Instead we've had a brilliant competition and a couple of completely unexpected, world-exploding results. One of the first games of the tournament saw champions Spain take on relatively downbeat Netherlands. Spain went 1-0 up but David Silva missed a decent chance before Van Persie Van Persieied his way to 1-1 before the break. The Oranje then proceeded to slap Spain all over the shop and 5-1 frankly flattered La Furia Roja in the end. Unarguably, an even bigger result came in the first semi final where hosts Brazil got absolutely mullered (pun intended) by the triumphant Germans 7-1. That result really will echo through the decades for the Seleção. If they were to ban every single of the 14 involved from pulling on the yellow jersey for the rest of their careers I couldn't see it harming their future prospects whatsoever. Come on, having that clown David Luiz as captain?? Even as stand-in that's nothing short of a joke.
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| Hitch-hike celebrating grasshopper |
Animals
There were, as usual, the usual plethora of predictive animals following in the briny tentacle-steps of Pulpo Pablo of 2010 fame, but they're ten a penny now and no-one pays them much notice as a consequence. However, one animal to hit the headlines under their own steam was the massive grasshopper which affixed itself to the arm of James Rodriguez after the star of the tournament had scored his side's consolation penalty against Brazil in the quarter final.
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| Cold/lonely players |
Players hugging themselves
To be honest, I've often been slightly worried by the way SkySports gets players to ominously march towards camera in their Premiershite coverage when showing the team line-ups, but this year the World Cup brought a totally new dimension to team line-ups on TV. However, rather than having the players march scowling toward the viewer, they had them cross their arms and turn to face the camera. Simple enough, you'd think. But these are professional footballers we're talking about. Many players looked fed-up, others mentally unstable, while the majority just looked cold. A lot of them couldn't even manage to follow the simple instructions, and anyone who's seen any of the awful Goal trilogy could have already told producers how far footballers' acting abilities extend, i.e. not as far as you can throw them.
| "I loves me boots, me" |
Stupid boots
Ever since Alan Ball, footballers have been taking the piss more and more with ostentatious, over-the-top coloured boots. World Cup 2014 will hopefully represent a nadir, as I can't see boots getting much more stupid than they've been this time around. The boot du jour in Brazil has been either the Adidas black and white complicated effort or the ridiculous one pink boot, one baby blue boot combination. Even worse were the accompanying gloves handed out to goalkeepers which were in the same coordination. Going even further than me in their hatred of stupid modern footballers' stupid boots was Russian Orthodox priest Alexander Shumsky who labelled them, and all coloured boots, a "homosexual abomination". Oo-er.
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| Kostas' weird beard |
Poor haircuts
Footballer haircuts are getting increasingly ridiculous; but at least it's on purpose unlike mullets in the 80s. Nevertheless there were some properly stupid looking blokes taking part in Brazil 2014. Asamoah Gyan had one #3 dyed into the side of his head, but not on the other side as he fucked it up. Either way, we know you're number 3 mate - it's on the back of your bloody shirt. US midfieldsman Kyle Beckermann's smelly dreadlocks were highly impressive, in a slept on them in a shop doorway for the past month kinda way. Dani Alves began the tournament with his normal hair but why he decided to go for 'old man chic' by dyeing it white part-way through is beyond me. Kostas Mitroglou's beard just confused me. And let us not forget David Luiz, forever the #comedyfootballer for his idiotic bouffant hairdo allied to his laughter-inducing 'defensive' meanderings. Awful player, awful hair. And they made him captain when Thiago Silva was out of the semis! They deserve everything they get. |
| Colombian line-dancing |
Annoying goal celebrations
Apparently many have been enjoying the preplanned celebrations carried out by a couple of countries but I'm afraid I can't join in the appreciation. I just thought the organised dancing from Colombia and especially Ghana was cringe-worthy, like something out of Glee or somesuch. I suppose you could trace it all back to Marco Tardelli, but I get the feeling he would've thought they all look like twats an' all. And that's without mentioning Daniel Sturridge as well. His is one of the very most retarded, annoying, look-at-me celebrations in world football. When he notched for England here he wheeled away in celebration before tempering his joy to perform his dick-face celebration. Man alive what the hell kind of world are we living in?
Anyway, these were just a few of the main alternative memories of World Cup 2014. Let's just hope the final lives up to the standards set over the past few weeks and gives us the best memories of all!
