Amusing World Cup 2014 memories

So after the best and most enjoyable World Cup in memory (for me anyway, notwithstanding Spain's embarrassing early exit) we now know Argentina will take on Germany in the final on Sunday. I'll be doing a match report on that in due course, but in the meantime I decided to honour the memories of this soon-to-be-finished competition with a look back at some of the things that stick out most in my mind from this most enjoyable month of football, all sorted into sections, like.

The United Nations, as represented
by Switzerland

Unexpected names within squads

I would like to stress that I'm not laughing at foreign names on account of them being foreign, merely just that some didn't seem to quite 'fit'. Costa Rica had a brilliant array of unexpected names, from reserve 'keeper Patrick Pemberton - who sounds like he should be village postman in the leafy Cotswolds - to Yeltsin Tejeda, whose name needs no explanation. Actually, it needs quite a lot of explanation really. They've also got Roy Miller and Waylon Francis who sound like they should be playing baseball and basketball respectively. It gets even funnier when it transpires that Kenny Cunningham and Rodney Wallace were both dropped just before the preliminary squad was announced.
In what must Shirley show what a forward-thinking, welcoming country it is, Switzerland had a squad bursting with non-Germanic monikers. Too many to list them all but foremost among their number were the likes of Xherdan Shaqiri, Granit Xhaka, Gökhan Inler, Haris Seferović, Blerim Džemaili, Ricardo Rodríguez and Valon Behrami. While we're on the subject, before she got together with Piqué, couldn't someone have introduced Shakira to Shaqiri??
As an aside to this, first names on kits became more common than just the made-up names sported by Brazilians for the better part of a century, with James (Rodríguez) and Memphis (Depay) foremost among the exponents of this trend. Ravel (Morrison) has already tried this in England and frankly looks bloody stupid.

Kits o'clock

Stupid monochrome kits

Stupid bloody FIFA brought in a poorly-worded, stupid bloody directive that caused confusion and apparent panic in the Adidas ranks. The joke organisation wanted to make sure all those millions around the world watching football on their tellies or down the pub were able to discern the two teams playing on their HD screens, and so launched their directive stating that each team must have one dark and one light kit. And only use a maximum of four colours in each. You can only imagine what Jorge Campos (look him up, kids - USA '94) made of that last bit.

Adidas then decided that to err on the side of caution they'd make all their kits monochrome. Some might say the fact I care about this makes me a loser. They're almost certainly right. Nevertheless, I think it takes away from a team's identity. Spain in all red á la Liverpool? Germany without black shorts?? Pure foolishment if you ask me.

Umm, a clock

Great 2nd halves

Although I can hand-on-heart say I've enjoyed this World Cup more than any other and there have been some unbelievably good games, quite a lot of them have been slow burners. The good thing was that after the first few matches you soon realised that even if the opening 45 minutes had been absolutely abject, the second halves almost always improved massively. In fact, most games seemed to get better the longer they went on. I can't remember another competition where there have been so many dramatic, late, game-changing goals (and I can't be bothered to trawl through records to find out!), just one of the reasons for an excellent, feel-good competition.

Brazuca in its natural habitat

An actual round ball

Over the previous tournaments it seemed the scientists tinkered more and more with the most important aspect of football - the ball itself - in an attempt to make it perfectly smooth and round. When they finally got that right, with the Jabulani for World Cup 2010 in South Africa, it was discovered that an almost perfectly smooth, round ball is actually counterproductive to good football. And so for this World Cup Adidas just went down the high street and picked up the least-scarred football in there for under £20 and bunged a 'Brazuca' sticker on it. Excellent move it was too, no-one's made a single complaint about the ball and that's how it should be.

Also, it even had a personality as demonstrated on its own Twitter account, proclaiming during the Germany-Algeria game that "Manuel Neuer won’t even let me in the box, let alone the net".

Joyous football, Costa Rica-style

'Smaller' teams playing well

In my opinion, most of the traditional 'smaller' teams fared well in Brazil, many of them seemingly determined not to be overawed by either the occasion or their illustrious opposition. Costa Rica are the obvious stand-out performers in this respect. Being drawn in a group including three World Cup winners they stuck stubbornly to their gameplan and not only escaped but ended up winning the group. With an excellent work ethic and good coaching from a man who looks like a small Columbo, they went as far as the quarter finals before being beaten by intimidating Dutch substitute Tim Krul on penalties. Each and every one of them a national hero now.

I'd balk at calling Chile one of the smaller teams (well, they were my outside bet at the beginning!) but they were in a group with Spain and the Netherlands. They beat the World Cup holders easily and were oh so unlucky to lose to an underwhelming Brazil in the second round, Mauricio Pinillas' drive smashing back off the woodwork right at the death before they lost on penalties.
Greece came with a wholly unsurprising gameplan but stuck to it well even after defeat in their first game and also went out on penalties in the second round. Australia did reasonably well. OK, they ended up bottom of the group with zero points, and were even beaten by Spain, but in the previous two games they really added to the competition and kept attacking. This was Bosnia and Herzegovina's first major tournament, and although they should have done better than to secure just three points, they were unlucky with refereeing decisions and only lost to Argentina because of an unlucky early own-goal we'll just put down to big stage nerves.

57% of Brazil is covered by rainforest
The rest is covered by Manuel Neuer

Goalkeeping par excellence

Usually fans flock to watch the World Cup for displays of attacking flair and power, but even though this has been a great competition for goals, it has also been a highlight for the stand-out brilliance of a few goalkeepers. Foremost among these is Mexican Guillermo Ochoa, whose agent must be over the moon with his displays in Brazil. Having just seen out his contract with Ajaccio after relegation from Ligue 1, he is now a free transfer with many top clubs chasing him following a string of near-godly performances between the sticks. Keylor Navas also excelled himself, while Tim Howard was widely praised for a game in which the ball was repeatedly kicked straight at him. However, ahead of all these Manuel Neuer has cemented his place as the best 'keeper in the world no matter what happens on Sunday (apart from a couple of calamitous own-goals, obviously!). At times he almost rewrote the book on goalkeeping, haring up to 40 yards off his line to sweep up behind his defence. Unquestionably the best in the world at the moment, and the scary thing is he's still relatively young for a 'keeper at 28.

"Ow, Suárez bit me!!"

Various levels of pointless violence

Where else to start this than with the Luis Suárez bite? The mentally-challenged bigtooth goal-getter quite obviously (in replays) chomped down on Italy's Giorgio Chiellini because things weren't going his way. The only thing more cringe-worthy than this human scum's defence that he 'lost balance' and his 'head fell into the defender' is people trying to argue his case by saying worse fouls happen all the time in football. For fuck's sake, toddlers know that biting is wrong. Suárez really is little more than an arsehole and big teeth on legs. Creepy image. Apart from that, the fact I still haven't seen #comedydefender David Luiz get a red card for his constant elbowing dumfounds me. This awful clown of the backline is forever elbowing the world in the face, yet refs miss it all the time.
Other 'highlights' included Cameroon prats Benoît Assou-Ekotto and Alex Song, one of whom headbutted a teammate and the other who got sent off for improbably elbowing Mario Mandzukic in the spine, Pepe getting a red card for stupidly yet delicately nudging Thomas Müller's forehead with his own, and the unfortunate challenge on Neymar by Juan Camilo Zúñiga which was definitely unintentional, as much as many in Brazil like to think otherwise.

According to the TV cameramen, this
is what most of the crowds looked like

Stupid stupid 'fans'

Now, call me old-fashioned but when I go to the football, I go to - you know - watch the football. No such antiquated thinking among the international football fan community apparently, who are more than happy to lope about whenever spotted by a camera. Pretty much every fucker spotted by cameramen was delighted to be up on the big screen, even if their team was getting absolutely shafted at the time. I spent my World Cup hoping someone supporting a losing team would respond to the camera with a quick 'fuck off' or middle finger, but alas no joy. These are not real fans I feel.
TV cameramen every four years go totty-crazy as well. Every time there's a lull in play the director will cut to either an attractive or scantily-clad member of the crowd, or a bloke dressed up in a 'zany' costume. It leaves you wondering what these cameramen do in the intervening years; I presume many of them have raps for voyeurism.

Definitely not Adrian Chiles...

TV presenters (not our ones, though)

I'll be honest, when it comes to the terrestrial TV channels here, I don't mind the two oft-hated figures as much as everyone else seems to. I actually quite like Mark 'grumpy old man' Lawrenson - at least he calls out diving unlike the rest of the fraternity who call it 'embellishment' or other such assorted bollocks. And I don't even find Adrian 'Brummie geezer next to you at the bar down the local' Chiles and his everyman schtick that tiring either, in small doses. The Brazilian public didn't feel the same however, a big crack in the ITV studio window appearing suspiciously close to his head after a spot of rioting. Still, as has been noted elsewhere by a justifiably jealous British public over the past month, Vanessa Huppenkothen and Mariana Gonzalez of Mexico, Kay Murray from Bein Sports, Roberta Setimi from Brazil and Alejandra Buitrago from Colombia are most definitely not Adrian Chiles...

'...the Lion King's dad'

Meme-spouting

This was the most social media World Cup of all time. Not that surprising, considering they didn't have all that many smartphones when the competition started, when England won it, or even when Maradona had that helping paw from Him Upstairs, but still I'm sure it's impressive for someone. Consequently, this was probably also the 'most-memed' World Cup of all as well. Much as I hate three vowels after the other in a word, I have to note that Van Persieing was the first to take off, literally. This saw people lie face-down and put their arms in the air behind them, like the Dutch flyer's landing after he scored that amazing headed equaliser against Spain. A better and more imaginative meme was Things Tim Howard Could Save, which saw internetters photoshopping the US goaltenderkeeper to show him saving '...the Lion King's dad', '...the Titanic', '...the dinosaurs' etc etc. TimCahilling never really took off though, and anyway just consisted of the cornerflag-bothering Antipodean facepalming while watching Brazil's collapse at the hands of the German machine.

Intentional or not?

Germany's class free-kick

The game between Germany and Algeria was unexpectedly one of the very best, with end to end football and Manuel Neuer pretty much patrolling the half-way line. However the thing I'll remember most was the botched 'botched' Germany free kick. I like invention when it comes to deadballs and this was one of the most devious yet. With five players gathered round the wall, Schweinsteiger executed a stepover before Thomas Müller tripped over while running towards it. While the wall was distracted he got up and span round it, while Toni Kroos attempted to chip the ball over to his unmarked teammate. It didn't work but it was bloody fiendish. Everyone else in the pub was cracking up, thinking the Krauts had ballsed it up. I was the only one to see it as it was, a very well-worked free kick routine that just didn't come off. Looks bloody stupid when you get it wrong, though!

Blatter: an arsehole

Blatter-bating

Now every fan in footballdom knows that Sepp Blatter embodies all that's wrong with football. I used to be sure he was just a fat old wind-up merchant or a made-up cartoon baddie like John Terry, but it turns out he's real and seemingly doesn't understand why every single person in the world - even those who have never heard of him - hate every last molecule of his being. He loves to be seen at big FIFA events, never missing a chance to plaster his ugly boat over the big screens. However, in Brazil he finally got his comeuppance, and was roundly booed by pretty much everyone in the stadium every time his Chevy Chase was shown on the big screen. Whoever decides what goes up on those screens soon stopped showing him. I've got to say, if it were me I would've shown his face every time the ball went out of play.

Wrestling mask, check.
Sombrero, check. Ready

Fan-bating

Football is of course a participation activity for fans, and the World Cup is no exception. Of course most stadia were filled with Brazilians with no more than pockets of 'away' fans - for the European sides anyway. The other South American fans were always out in force, and none more so than the Mexican followers. My enduring memory of them will be all the many thousands of them going ¡¡PUTO!! as one every time the opposition 'keeper took a goal kick. Kind of like the "you. fat. BASTARD!" heard in every English stadium, although FIFA were considering banning the practice ahead of the tournament. Brazilian fans naturally supported anyone playing Argentina so the final will see them standing staunchly behind Germany. In the second semi, Argie fans took great delight in relentlessly chanting 'siete, siete' in response to the hosts' humbling the previous day. Good times.

I simply had to include this photo

Salty, salty Brazilian tears

The entire Brazil squad burst into tears at any given moment with seemingly the most minor encouragement. Good, bad, indifferent, they bawled their eyes out regardless, the emotionally-stunted individuals. Their fans were positively staid by comparison which, if you know any Brazilians, is really saying something (although they were, every single one of them, squeaky as fuck). Of course, that historically embarrassing bollocking handed out by Germany in the semi turned out to be a legitimate reason for players and fans alike to burst into tears. I don't think any of them will be getting over that for generations. I was laughing along with everyone else in that last game, but let us remember we've all been there as football fans. We just didn't cry like a load of pussies.

Close to coming a cropper

Entertaining managers

Usually the players are the stars and the management goes unnoticed or underappreciated. 2014, however, was a break-out year for those in the dug-out. Mexico's Miguel Herrera was pure box office, racing around his technical area and waving his arms about at any refereeing decision. The only down-side with him was the sheer number of imaginary yellow cards he brandished. Jorge Luis Pinto of Costa Rica obviously got his team hitting above their 'station' but was also good to keep an eye on while on the sidelines. He also looked like a miniature Columbo with massive cuffs. Far more understated than this pair was Argentina's Alejandro Sabella who kept me entertained throughout with his deadpan reactions to player injuries and especially for his own meme-moment when he nearly hit the deck and split his head open after Gonzalo Higuaín smacked the bar against Belgium. Pure gold.

Unexpected, to say the least

Shock results

It's strange, in a World Cup so chock full of action, talking points and great games, that there hasn't been one stand-out team in the competition. Germany are probably the closest we've come but even so they didn't look amazing throughout all their earlier games. Instead we've had a brilliant competition and a couple of completely unexpected, world-exploding results. One of the first games of the tournament saw champions Spain take on relatively downbeat Netherlands. Spain went 1-0 up but David Silva missed a decent chance before Van Persie Van Persieied his way to 1-1 before the break. The Oranje then proceeded to slap Spain all over the shop and 5-1 frankly flattered La Furia Roja in the end. Unarguably, an even bigger result came in the first semi final where hosts Brazil got absolutely mullered (pun intended) by the triumphant Germans 7-1. That result really will echo through the decades for the Seleção. If they were to ban every single of the 14 involved from pulling on the yellow jersey for the rest of their careers I couldn't see it harming their future prospects whatsoever. Come on, having that clown David Luiz as captain?? Even as stand-in that's nothing short of a joke.

Hitch-hike celebrating grasshopper

Animals

There were, as usual, the usual plethora of predictive animals following in the briny tentacle-steps of Pulpo Pablo of 2010 fame, but they're ten a penny now and no-one pays them much notice as a consequence. However, one animal to hit the headlines under their own steam was the massive grasshopper which affixed itself to the arm of James Rodriguez after the star of the tournament had scored his side's consolation penalty against Brazil in the quarter final.

Cold/lonely players

Players hugging themselves

To be honest, I've often been slightly worried by the way SkySports gets players to ominously march towards camera in their Premiershite coverage when showing the team line-ups, but this year the World Cup brought a totally new dimension to team line-ups on TV. However, rather than having the players march scowling toward the viewer, they had them cross their arms and turn to face the camera. Simple enough, you'd think. But these are professional footballers we're talking about. Many players looked fed-up, others mentally unstable, while the majority just looked cold. A lot of them couldn't even manage to follow the simple instructions, and anyone who's seen any of the awful Goal trilogy could have already told producers how far footballers' acting abilities extend, i.e. not as far as you can throw them.

"I loves me boots, me"

Stupid boots

Ever since Alan Ball, footballers have been taking the piss more and more with ostentatious, over-the-top coloured boots. World Cup 2014 will hopefully represent a nadir, as I can't see boots getting much more stupid than they've been this time around. The boot du jour in Brazil has been either the Adidas black and white complicated effort or the ridiculous one pink boot, one baby blue boot combination. Even worse were the accompanying gloves handed out to goalkeepers which were in the same coordination. Going even further than me in their hatred of stupid modern footballers' stupid boots was Russian Orthodox priest Alexander Shumsky who labelled them, and all coloured boots, a "homosexual abomination". Oo-er.

Kostas' weird beard

Poor haircuts

Footballer haircuts are getting increasingly ridiculous; but at least it's on purpose unlike mullets in the 80s. Nevertheless there were some properly stupid looking blokes taking part in Brazil 2014. Asamoah Gyan had one #3 dyed into the side of his head, but not on the other side as he fucked it up. Either way, we know you're number 3 mate - it's on the back of your bloody shirt. US midfieldsman Kyle Beckermann's smelly dreadlocks were highly impressive, in a slept on them in a shop doorway for the past month kinda way. Dani Alves began the tournament with his normal hair but why he decided to go for 'old man chic' by dyeing it white part-way through is beyond me. Kostas Mitroglou's beard just confused me. And let us not forget David Luiz, forever the #comedyfootballer for his idiotic bouffant hairdo allied to his laughter-inducing 'defensive' meanderings. Awful player, awful hair. And they made him captain when Thiago Silva was out of the semis! They deserve everything they get.

Colombian line-dancing

Annoying goal celebrations

Apparently many have been enjoying the preplanned celebrations carried out by a couple of countries but I'm afraid I can't join in the appreciation. I just thought the organised dancing from Colombia and especially Ghana was cringe-worthy, like something out of Glee or somesuch. I suppose you could trace it all back to Marco Tardelli, but I get the feeling he would've thought they all look like twats an' all. And that's without mentioning Daniel Sturridge as well. His is one of the very most retarded, annoying, look-at-me celebrations in world football. When he notched for England here he wheeled away in celebration before tempering his joy to perform his dick-face celebration. Man alive what the hell kind of world are we living in?


Anyway, these were just a few of the main alternative memories of World Cup 2014. Let's just hope the final lives up to the standards set over the past few weeks and gives us the best memories of all!

Cholo - managing with a knife between his teeth

     Move aside Klopp, Guardiola and Mourinho; Diego Pablo Simeone is surely the hottest managerial property in the world right now. After the job he's done at Atlético Madrid, especially bearing in mind the state in which he found the club, only the most myopic of supporters would even attempt to argue otherwise. Sorry Tony Pulis. And sorry Brendan Rodgers. Although the Northern Irishman has performed admirably at Liverpool, his achievement of hauling them into second place with only one of the world's top 3 strikers and many millions of pounds at his disposal was dwarfed by that facing Cholo in Spain.

A young Cholo at Vélez

     Born in Buenos Aires to an amateur footballer father, Simeone began his illustrious playing career at the age of 17 with hometown club Vélez Sársfield. He had already picked up the nickname Cholo when youth-team coach Victorio Spinetto saw that his bustling style of play reminded him of Carmelo 'Cholo' Simeone (no relation). The young combative midfielder played well for El Fortín, featuring in 76 games with a respectable return of 14 goals, and earned the first of his 106 caps for Argentina at the age of 18 in a friendly against Australia.
     Twenty-year-old Cholo continued performing well domestically and eventually moved across the ocean to the promised land of European football to join ambitious newly-promoted Seria A side Pisa. Although the team were promptly relegated the next season, Simeone enjoyed more success internationally, winning the Copa América with Argentina in 1991. In addition to this, he also played in the teams that won the Confederations Cup in 1992 and 1993 (known then as the King Fahd Cup and Artemio Franchi Trophy respectively, just for shits and giggles) alongside the likes of Batistuta, Caniggia and a certain Diego Armando Maradona. Simeone's energetic and dogged style of play was noted around Europe and in the summer of '92 he was bought by Sevilla.
     He was not the only Argentine to pitch up in Seville that summer, the club spending a massive and ultimately ill-advised $7.5m to take a cocaine-shamed and well out of shape Diego Maradona from Napoli. Cholo's style could hardly have been any more different to that of his legendary but bloated countryman and he was far more instrumental in helping los Nervionenses to successive seventh and sixth place finishes.

With the Copa del Rey in '96

     In 1994, with another Copa América under his belt, Simeone left Andalucía to join Atlético Madrid, where the club only managed to avoid relegation with a draw on the very last day. The following season saw Luton Town legend Radomir Antić (who incidentally, pop quiz fans, is the only man to have managed Atleti, Real Madrid and Barcelona) installed as the new manager, and he added the likes of goalkeeping mainstay José Francisco Molina and goal-getter extraordinaire Lyuboslav Penev to a squad that already included José Luis Caminero, Juan Vizcaíno and non-jumping tall-man striker Kiko. Cholo drove this talented team onwards, and though Milinko Pantić may have been the playmaker in the side, its main man was Simeone. Los Colchoneros took the league by storm and belied their relegation form of the previous season to end 1996 not only as winners of the Copa del Rey, but also as La Liga champions for the first time since 1977. Quite apart from being the captain and heartbeat of this side, Simeone also scored the winning goal in the game that clinched the league title. Although the following season ended up trophyless for the capital club, Simeone kept his own shiny trinket cabinet topped up by winning an Olympic silver medal as one of three permitted overage players. Atleti's first foray into the Champions League the following season ended with them being knocked out in extra time by Ajax in the quarter-finals.
     Simeone returned to Serie A in 1997 for two seasons with Inter Milan, during which he won the UEFA Cup, and then joined Sven-Göran Eriksson's Argentine revolution at Lazio. A madly talented, free-flowing team in pastel blue that also included Juan Seba Verón, Néstor Sensini and Hernán Crespo won a rare Italian double of league and Coppa Italia in his first season in Rome, as well as the UEFA Supercup and, the following season, the Supercoppa Italia. During this time he also

That red card in '98

committed the act for which he is arguably still best known on these shores. The second round game between Argentina and England at World Cup France '98 had been pretty evenly balanced until Cholo, who described his style of play as "holding a knife between my teeth", went down like the proverbial sack of shit after Beckham childishly kicked out at him, managing to persuade busy referee-giraffe hybrid Kim Milton Nielsen to send the future Goldenballs off. It mostly goes forgotten that Simeone also had a big say in the opening goal of the match, bursting through the England defence after 5 minutes and 'making the most' of a slight brush from Seaman to earn Argentina a penalty. He also implored the referee for a card after this. Speaking of Beckham's sending off in 2002, Simeone explained; "I had tackled him, we both fell to the ground. As I was trying to stand up that was when he kicked me from behind. And I took advantage of that. And I think any person would have taken advantage of that in just the same way. Sometimes you get sent off, sometimes you don't. Unfortunately for the English team that time they lost a player. Anyway, you take advantage of all the opportunities you find in your life. If you don't take advantage of a chance that comes your way you are lost."

In his 2nd Atleti spell, here
with Torres (his captain)

     After four seasons in Italy, the battle-hardened Cholo returned to Atlético Madrid in 2003. Since his departure six years before, the team had fallen on hard times. Relegated in 2000, the side was rebuilt by Atleti legend Luis Aragonés with a young Fernando Torres the focal point of the attack, and returned to the Primera in 2002, finishing 11th in their first season back in the bigtime. Cholo did not taste the same success as he had the first time in the red and white stripes, and left in 2005 for one last playing position back in Argentina, with Racing Club.
     Simeone tells the story of how, after his last professional game on February 16, 2006, he spent half an hour in the shower trying to decide whether he really wanted to stay in football and become a manager. At least that's what he says he was doing... Either way, by the time he'd dried himself off, Cholo had decided he would indeed cross the white line and try his hand at this managerial lark.
    He took over the reins at Racing immediately, turning the team's fortunes around in just three months to bring an impressive end to the 2006 Clausura after its dodgy start. In May he left when ownership of the club changed hands and took over at Estudiantes within the month. Cholo led the La Plata club to one of the very few trophies in its history, collecting the 2006 Apertura title after beating Boca Juniors 2-1 in a playoff after the pair finished level on points. By December 2007 he had moved on from Estudiantes to Argentine giants River Plate, succeeding his former international manager Daniel Passarella. Although he remained for less than a full year, he still brought the 2008 Clausura title to los Millonarios. Nevertheless, he eventually handed in his resignation with River bottom of the table after 11 domestic games without a win. It was not until April 2009 that Cholo joined another Primera División team, San Lorenzo, where he would remain for almost exactly a year. He quit in April 2010 following poor results and increasing criticism of his tactics.
     After San Lorenzo, Simeone had some time out of the game before coming back to Europe to take over the reins at Sicily side Catania. The former tough-tackling midfielder was tasked with keeping Gli Elefanti in Serie A, which he achieved despite heavy odds. Mission accomplished at season's end, Cholo returned to Argentina and Racing, staying 'til the end of the year.

Back at Atleti for a third time

     Just two days before Christmas 2011, on December 23, Diego Simeone returned to Atlético Madrid for a third stint, this time as manager, replacing Gregorio Manzano. The team were languishing just four points off the relegation zone when he came in and were a shambles off the field - mired in debts of over half a billion euros. In order to stave off the creditors, the club had been forced to continually sell its prized playing assets. Just before the new manager's arrival, Atleti had been playing in front of a half-full Vicente Calderón stadium and even lost in the Copa del Rey to third-tier Albacete, and the new gaffer knew he had one hell of a job to rebuild the club as well as the team. But then he always did enjoy a challenge - on the field as well as off it. To begin with he made minor adjustments such as changing the colour of the nets in the goals - from black to match the team's red and white kit. He also began working on the players' mindsets as well as tactics on the training pitch. Cholo's motivational techniques are already public knowledge, and possibly the most well-known of these is his way of giving pre-match individual talks before the players go to bed, rationalising that "just like children, they listen best just before bedtime". I'll be frank; the image of the former bustling midfielder - still so energetic on the sidelines during games - wearing black and hunched over in a little chair next to players' beds reading them bedtime stories from his book of tactics before sleepy time leaves me slightly unnerved. Still, you can't knock the man's results..
     He also began to rework the team in his own image, getting them to play a high-pressing game, aggressively hunting after the ball non-stop and attacking as a unit. He has since explained that "It’s hard for me to interact with players who don’t give themselves completely. The weak don’t interest me." Expanding on the theme, he's stated that competition between teammates is the driving force which keeps his teams steaming forward, saying "There is only one form of motivation, the lifeline of any team: internal competition. If there is no competition between players, the team dies. It’s the only situation which strengthens the coach."

Gio Simeone after going through
a 'hazing' ritual at River

     Although he had always felt sure he'd return to Atlético after leaving in 2005, it took a lot for Simeone to leave Argentina this last time to do so. The offer to manage the club represented a dream to Cholo, but he knew it would mean leaving his family behind in his homeland. He did not want to keep uprooting them with every new job, and a move to Spain would put too much strain on them, he reasoned. Besides that, all three of his sons play at various levels for River Plate - Giovanni had just broken into the first team when los Rojiblancos called on his father to save them. Perhaps if his father had stayed in Argentina, young Gio's teammates would have been too afraid to shave half his hair off when he signed his first professional contract..

     Despite Atleti's poor position when he took over, Simeone's work with the squad yielded immediate results and they went unbeaten in his first seven games in the dugout, only losing 2-1 to Barcelona in the eighth. This was no 'new-manager bounce' however and Atleti continued to climb the table, eventually finishing fifth. The newly-positive team prospered in Europe also, with Cholo leading them to the Europa League final where they beat a young, fluid and highly-fancied Athletic Bilbao side, which had utterly outclassed Manchester United in an earlier round, 3-0.

Celebrating the 4-1 European Super
Cup demolition of Chelsea

     The following season began with a strong statement of intent, los Colchoneros smashing the shit out of a stunned Chelsea 4-1 in the UEFA Super Cup with Radamel Falcao helping himself to a 45 minute hat-trick. Although Simeone's charges drew the first Primera División game of the season 1-1 against Levante, they then won their next eight games on the spin, taking them to second place. They did not fall far off the pace the rest of the season and finished third, thereby qualifying for the Champions League the following year. Although Atleti conceded their Europa League crown in only the round of 32, the fans had much to celebrate come the season's end, having defeated the old enemy Real Madrid in the Copa del Rey final. A brutal game with 15 yellow cards (two becoming reds) required extra time to separate the teams, and gender-bendingly named Miranda eventually settled the game with a header from a corner. Points for originality there. This was Atleti's first victory over la Real going all the way back to 1999 - they had lost the last ten on the bounce - and was all the sweeter for the game being played at the Bernabéu.

Handing over the mantle;
Falcao and Costa

     Atlético Madrid suffered a huge loss at the beginning of the 2013-14 season when Falcao was sold to Monaco for a reported EUR60m. El Tigre had scored 34 goals in 41 games in all competitions and would be nigh-on impossible to replace. Atleti used some of the money to bring in all-time Spain top-scorer David Villa from Barcelona for around EUR5m, but he was 31 and had only scored 10 league goals for Barça the previous season. Instead of splurging more of those Falcao millions up front, Simeone trusted in Diego Costa to find the goals that had been eluding him - he also had 10 league goals to his name the previous season, and just 6 in 2010/11. The Argentine's trust evidently paid off as the big Brazilian Spanish striker stepped out of Falcao's shadow to bang in 35 wage-earners in 44 Primera División and Champions League games this season.
     Atleti's run to win the league and lose in the Champions League final and Copa del Rey semifinal to Real Madrid in 2014 was not based solely upon Diego Costa's goals, though. There's a strong will and team ethic that runs through this team. Simeone used fewer players than any of the other teams around him this season, and seven of the ten players with the most minutes played in La Liga over 2013/14 have been under his charge. Like many other Argentine and South American managers, his tactics mirror those of Marcelo Bielsa; pressuring teams high up the pitch and extremely early, never giving opponents a moment to dwell on the ball. Every win against Cholo's Atleti side has to be earned, they give away neither goals nor games cheaply. At least, not until those last few games of the season. Los Colchoneros did not lose to Real Madrid or Barcelona in the league whatsoever, and beat los Culés over two legs in the Champions League into the bargain. And yet despite a storming start to the league in which they won their first eight games, Atleti still found themselves in second. That's how crazy the level is at the top in Spain. No-one thought they had the staying power to challenge for the entire season; even Cholo said he was taking it "game by game".

Celebrating a successful and amazing season

"Game by game" was his answer every week at the post-match press conferences, "game by game" right to the end. Atlético did not hit the summit of the league until gameweek 22, and even then that was only for one week. The following week they dropped to third. But on matchday 29 they took first place again and were not dislodged until the 33rd minute of that infamous final game against Barcelona at Camp Nou. Of course, as history will relate, they believed in themselves and rallied superbly at the start of the second half to level through a smashing header from Diego Godín - the Uruguayan who was once transferred for less than the price of a pair of football boots but can now call himself a Primera División champion.
     The same player had given his team the lead against  Real Madrid in the Champions League final in Lisbon a week later, but heartbreakingly saw it cancelled out in the 93rd minute by a Sergio Ramos leveller. Los Blancos went on to claim their fabled Décima with a 4-1 victory, but Simeone was proud of his players in defeat, saying they had "given their all". And that's all he ever asks. After the game he said "People say that winning is the most important thing, but the support we've had from people tells you there's another side to it. I told my players that, when you've played as well as they did tonight, to keep their heads up and start thinking about next season. You can lose or you

The man(ager) in black

can win - this time it's our turn to lose and we know we've given it our all. People responded to what the team have done and that allows us to grow further and continue to compete." Nonetheless, he demonstrated his winner-takes-all mindset when describing his feelings about losing the final; "It's not sadness, it's bitterness. I feel bitter that I didn't reach our objective. I wish I could have won the way I wanted, but I couldn't - though I can overcome this. I know that, once you've given your all, there's other players and another match." In the end though, he said "the supporters should be proud of an excellent season, they shouldn't waste a single second being sad. Once you've given your all, you can't go around licking your wounds - you have to come back and compete next season, go around annoying other teams and being pests next year too."
     That was his plan this year - to be a pest to the big clubs. You can bet Atleti - and Cholo - will prove to be more than that next season, even if they do lose Courtois and Costa as expected. Atlético Madrid lost the 1974 European Cup final 4-0 to Bayern Munich in a replay after the first game ended 1-1 with the Bavarians equalising through a 40 yard wonder strike from signature collectors' favourite Hans-Georg Schwarzenbeck in the very last minute of extra time. Since that moment, Atleti were nicknamed El Pupas, or The Jinxed Ones. And since that time they've contrived to repeatedly shoot themselves in the foot and let their fans down in ever-more elaborate ways. Although they did lose the Champions League in that most typical of Atleti fashions this time around, they managed to repeatedly beat the so-called big teams all season and won an astounding and improbable league championship: Cholo has turned the mentality of the entire club around. They're now winners - and they play to win. Just like Cholo.

Real win the Copa Clásico

Another Clásico, another classic. The game ebbed and flowed at times but Real ended up the victors.

     Despite notching 19 goals already in his début season in Spain, many were still calling Gareth Bale a flat track bully. They said he could only do it against the smaller teams Real Madrid battered. They said he couldn't perform on the big stage for los Blancos. Then again, they had said that about Cristiano Ronaldo before he won them the Copa del Rey with a physics-defying header in this very stadium, against this very opposition three years ago. Perhaps 'they' should think before they speak.
     History repeated itself last night in a way with Bale, like CR7 before him in 2011, scoring a sublime winner late on and picking up the man of the match plaudits, Marca hailing him as both 'the Prince of Wales' and 'Gareth Bolt'. Ronaldo was forced to watch from the stands due to injury and while Real will hope to have him back on the pitch sooner rather than later, manager Carlo Ancelotti and his energetic eyebrow will have been heartened by the way the team performed without him, especially Bale and the inspirational Ángel Di María.

An accommodating host

     The teams emerged into a cauldron of noise in the last final to be played at the Mestalla, Messi less than a foot taller than the mascot he appeared with. A strange atmosphere for a Clásico eventually emerged as both sides were whistled when in possession of the ball, one by the right half of the stadium, the other by the left.
The game started with Madrid more in control, their passing crisper and more positive than Barcelona's more ponderous style. The gameplan was immediately clear - get the ball to Di María and Bale in the danger areas - and it paid dividends early on. Bale received the ball and found Karim Benzema who had moved out towards the left wing. A beautifully-weighted first time pass from the Frenchman found Di María careering through the gaping holes in the Barcelona defence and into the area. The Argentine had Bale open to his right but elected to shoot, and although wannabe pirate Pinto got a hand to it, the ball skipped merrily into the far corner and nestled next to the post. 1-0 to Madrid and half the stadium went mental. I have to confess I did too, having put a bet on Di María to bag the first goal at 10-1. Result! Thank the gods he didn't pass to Bale. Anyway the Welshman's time would come soon enough.
     In the absence of CR7 and with Messi's continued slump showing no sign of ending, the Spanish press had changed from their usual tack and billed this as the battle of the EUR200m players; Bale vs Neymar. They may have cost nearly the same (taking into account the real cost of the Brazilian's transfer as well as the fines the club have had to pay for their dodgy dealings), but on this showing the pair are nearly incomparable. Neymar had a chance to level the game with pretty much the last kick, but smashed it into the face of the post. Before that, the closest he'd come to getting on the back pages was an attempted headbutt on Fabio Coentrão after being tackled in the area. Never backward in coming forward, the confusingly-coiffured Pepe stepped in and manhandled Neymar away. Referee Mateu Lahoz elected to book both Neymar and the central defender, much to the latter's consternation.

What did you call my mum?!

     By this point, the referee had already been forced to put up with quite a lot of rolling around and cajoling from the players as is now customary in Clásicos. Perhaps not as much as usual, but it would still irk the bejeezus out of me if I had to babysit those 22 players. It has to be said, Lahoz dealt with the histrionics extremely well, not falling for most of the dives and remonstrating with players who committed them. Twice in a minute he got right up in the grills of Barcelona players who he felt aggrieved by, first young Marc Bartra for fannying about on the floor as if he'd been shot by a double-barrelled shotgun rather than slightly and mistakenly brushed by Coentrão, and then Javier Mascherano for a criticism levelled at him. Or having bad breath. Mascherano definitely looks like he could have bad breath.
     Barcelona were racking up their usual numbers in the possession and passes columns to little avail. While at some points they had up to 75% possession, Real looked far the more likely to score, with Isco having a side-footed effort blocked by a delicious last-ditch tackle from a now fresh-breathed Mascherano on 35 minutes. At the other end, and after 472 sideways passes, Barcelona encroached on the Madrid box and caused a bit of a scramble which ended with Messi rifling his shot wide of the upright.
     Jordi Alba, who had earlier beaten Dani Carvajal to a header in the 'contest of the small wing-backs' only to head straight at Casillas, was replaced by Adriano at the break, a move surely brought on more by injury than anything else. The second half began in the same vein as the first, with the effervescent Bale at the centre of all quick Real attacks. The Welsh winger smacked a shot into the side netting a couple of minutes after the restart and remained threatening throughout. The footballer formerly known as Messi then floated a freekick innocuously over Casillas' bar before Mascherano crudely chopped Pepe down as he burst into the Barcelona half and correctly drew a yellow card from the ref. I'm not sure what Pepe thought he was doing, bombing into anyone's half as a centre back, but it looked reasonably impressive nonetheless. From the resulting freekick, three Barça players challenged each other for the ball under no pressure whatsoever and only succeeded in feeding the waiting Bale on the edge of the box. The Cardiff lad chested the ball to tee himself up and unleashed a volley which sailed fractionally over the crossbar.

Uhn-tiss uhn-tiss uhn-tiss... Enya

     Fàbregas was apparently playing in the 'false 9' position popularised over the past couple of years, but to me he looked like he was playing as a 'false 4', so far back was he operating. An advert currently doing the rounds on the tellybox sees Cesc putting on his headphones to drown out the hoards of Madrid fans and outside influences while on his way to a game, and perhaps the only explanation for his tepid display in Valencia is that he'd been chilling out to some Enya or whalesong before the game. Bloody hippy. The
former Arsenal man was hooked off on the hour mark and Pedro entered the fray, presumably to add some attacking inclination. A few minutes later, Bartra wondered up from the back and, apparently growing tired of his team's lacklustre sideways passing shenanigans, unleashed a shot on goal from range. Casillas in the Madrid goal had prepped himself before the game to be playing Barcelona and so appeared highly surprised at this most un-Barça-like attempt. The 'keeper unconvincingly punched the ball wide for a corner and seemed grateful it hadn't ended up in the back of the net.
     Madrid then doubled their lead on 66 mins, that man Bale getting the goal his performance so richly deserved. Unfortunately for the men in white Pinto had scurried so far from his line, presumably in search of treasure or wenches, that when Bale headed the ball into the unguarded net there was only one defender betwixt he and the goal line. A good spot by the ref/linesman and as every schoolboy knows, the offside law dictates that there must be at least two opposition players between the goalscorer and the line for a strike to count.

Bartra looks as surprised as anyone

     Nonetheless, a goal from a corner was scored within a minute, and this time it counted. The Catalans hauled themselves level when Bartra, still playing in a most un-Barça fashion, lost Pepe and helped himself to a free header. Surely this shooting-from-range, winning-headers-in-the-box kind of malarkey will be coached out of the youngster before he gets any other funny ideas. It's just not the Barça way. The Real half of the Mestalla was stunned, the Barcelona half ecstatic. The 15,000 or so officials and dignitaries were
probably nonplussed. Then again none of them had paid up to EUR2,600 for a ticket.
     After the goal, the game was turned on its head. Whereas before Real had been attacking quickly, dangerously and with purpose, now they appeared fearful of their opponents and kept misplacing the easiest of passes, possibly recalling other similar incidences where they went on to lose the game. Barcelona, by comparison, were now full of attacking intent, players in every position constantly harrying for the ball. For the remainder of the match they looked like the Barça of a few years ago, or even like present-day Bayern Munich. After Modrić hit the post for Madrid only a great tackle from Pepe at the other end stopped Barcelona taking the lead

     However, cometh the hour, cometh the Welshman. Receiving a pass just inside his own half just six minutes from extra-time, Bale knocked it past Marc Bartra. The two were involved in a short tussle by the byline but the Barcelona youngster's pressure wasn't enough to put chronic diver Bale to the ground. The Real #11 ended up some three yards outside the touchline following a nudge from the defender but simply applied the afterburners. He absolutely stormed round his marker and re-entered the pitch clocked at

'Gareth Bolt' applies the finish to his wonder-goal

73mph, and entered the area with beautiful control, surely a near impossible feat at that speed. Pinto saw him coming and cast aside his eye-patch all the better to see when the Welshman tucked the ball between his peg-legs with the cutest of finishes. Half the stadium erupted once more - the other side. Bale didn't make any friends by sprinting to the byline to celebrate in front of the Barça end. This wasn't done in a malicious manner though - if you've just scored such an amazing goal you're unlikely to have any capacity left for rational thought. The Culés in the section behind him didn't seem to appreciate the savage beauty of the goal, somehow..
     Bale's momentous goal absolutely took the wind out of the Barcelona sails but there was always likely to be one more twist in the tale. It is the way of such things. A fantastic ball from Xavi split the Real defence, which had seen Varane added to its ranks in place of the hard-working Benzema as the clocked ticked over 90, and ended up with Neymar. Had the uprights not been screwed in properly, the Brazilian's shot would have blown the entire damnable goal right into the massed ranks of fans behind, but as it was the strike cannoned off the post and straight back into the grateful arms of Casillas. The last action of the game saw Bale fouled and left flat on his back. It was an appropriate way to end things. The only way any opposition could have stopped the Cardiff lad would have been to put him in the hospital. He was simply unplayable at times.

Copas are like buses...

     While the Real players celebrated in the time-honoured tradition of massing with thousands of fans by the Cibeles fountain in the capital (Ramos didn't drop their shiny new trophy under the bus this time, but he did pretend to), their Barcelona counterparts carried out what is becoming their own new post-match routine of being heckled and abused by their own supporters upon reaching Camp Nou. Yet again they trudged, heads bowed, to their cars as curses rained down. Yet again Messi was singled out for personal treatment, with fans shouting tongue-in-cheek for him to 'run less'. The
usually twinkle-toed playmaker has been worryingly quiet and downcast these past few weeks, and the newspapers in Argentina are nervously hoping that he's saving himself for a big performance for his country in the upcoming World Cup.
     Various papers in Spain are postulating that this signifies the end of the triumphant Barcelona cycle, but this is all surely a bit premature. Yes they've had an awful week, losing out in two competitions and falling further behind in the other, but after their long period of domination they were always bound to suffer some sort of lapse of form.
     On the other hand, their hated rivals are on a different level entirely. Time and again in post-match interviews the phrase that kept being repeated was that the players hope to add to their haul of silverware this season and return to Cibeles once more. Or even twice. There is no fear ahead of the next round of the Champions League now, a marked turnaround following the abject performance to creep through against Dortmund. Cristiano Ronaldo reckons he might be fit for the first leg of the semi-final and should make the second, but the question is; do Real need him??

Athletic vs Málaga and look ahead to Copa final

On Wednesday night Valencia's Mestalla stadium hosts a Clásico in the Copa del Rey final.

     The teams come into the game in vastly different mindsets. Barcelona, having crashed out of the Champions League and lost second place in La Liga inside a week, are in bullish mood but one senses a terseness beneath the interviews given in the press. Real Madrid appear more at ease, but as with all derbies - and Clásicos in particular - form is temporary and the battle is all that matters. Literally, most of the time. It is of course just a few short weeks since los Blancos managed to balls-up at home to their hated enemies, and Barcelona will be hoping to emulate that victory in Valencia.

Carlo's eyebrow making a break for it

     Madrid manager Carlo Ancelotti, left eyebrow permanently aflutter, revealed that the players would be practicing penalties ahead of the game for all of five minutes, although he would obviously hope to have the game well and truly finished before such a lottery became necessary. He also confirmed that, as expected, Ronaldo wouldn't be playing a part, although the Portuguese will be travelling with the squad along with the other injured players. Ancelotti also said he had his starting XI in mind but would not be revealing it to the press beforehand. Nevertheless, the Italian stated he was setting his team up 'to play our game with our identity' rather than attempting to respond to Barcelona's tactics. He conceded that the opposition would have the lion's share of possession, and so his team will have to 'control the game with the ball, and for that we need courage and personality, which are the most important traits for playing a final'.

Tata: "The last 2 games were clean"

     His opposite number, Tata Martino, recognised that the final represents a possible tonic for his squad after a torrid last week, although he is ruing the defensive injuries that have left him considering whether or not to play the creaking Puyol, who trained with the squad on Wednesday morning along with Marc Bartra. The Argentine manager refused to be drawn on Ronaldo's injury, but said he hopes for a clean game, expanding that 'the last two games against Real Madrid have been clean and well played by both teams'. It would seem he may have elected to forget Busquets stepping on Pepe's face a few weeks ago, apparently.
     As both presidents were posing with the Copa on Wednesday morning the press managed to wangle a quote out of Madrid head honcho Florentino Pérez, who rather diplomatically claimed 'we're not favourites, but we're optimistic'. On Tuesday, a few of the players had been wheeled out in front of the headline writers and as per usual nothing much of particular note was uttered, as is the way of such things. It seems footballers are paraded in front of the press in search of quotes, but whenever they say anything mildly interesting it gets blown out of all proportion as them calling the opposition manager's mum a whore or somesuch. The closest to interesting it got was when Iker Casillas was asked about his previous comment that he'd "slap" Spain teammate Sergio Busquets for the aforementioned foot-on-face altercation with Pepe. The goalkeeper said "I won't add to the circus that's blown up around this. I'll see him tomorrow and this matter will take up only two seconds of our conversation."

     The week began, however, with the impressive new San Mamés hosting Málaga in the final game of Week 33, with both teams needing the points for very different reasons. Athletic showed by far the greater desire to claim the win and re-establish their 6 point advantage over Sevilla in the battle for the fourth Champions League spot, and their positivity paid off early as Aritz Aduriz headed the Basques ahead in just the fourth minute from a corner. The striker scored again pretty much straight away at the beginning of the second half, taking his tally for 2014 alone to 12 goals, second only to the now-misfiring Messi. The man from Donostia had several chances to complete his hat-trick but was foiled by man-of-funny-name Willy in the Málaga goal. Nonetheless, Willy (tee-hee) was not at his best for the third Athletic goal, allowing a tame Ander Herrera shot to spill through his gloves. Feel free to make your own jokes about Willy and a slippery ball - just don't send them to me.
     For the Andalucians, who were pretty dire throughout, the result means they stay on 38 points in 11th, unlikely to threaten either the European places or those in the relegation zone now there's only five games left. They've been pretty shaky under Bernd Schuster this season and were in and around the drop zone for quite a portion of the season.