Post-mortem of Spain's disastrous WC 2014 campaign

     And so Spain's defence of the shiniest of shiny trophies foundered at the very first hurdle in Brazil. They are not the first world champions to bow out in the group stage, nor will they be the last, but the manner of their exit will hurt Spanish football for some time. A 3-0 win against an also-already out Australia did nothing to soothe the pain, but at least the team didn't finish bottom of the group, as Italy had four years ago. As silver linings go it's not the greatest, granted...
     The early exit of La Roja was greeted with delight by the massed Brazilian hordes in the stadia and heralded as the death of tiki-taka by a sneering media, but while the public reaction is understandable given Spain's scarcely-conceivable dominance over global football these past few years, the gloating over the perceived death of a style of play is both misguided and premature. For one thing, Spain only played a barely recognisable form of tiki-taka in the first match; a bastardised version which involved a few short passes followed by a seemingly-aimless lump upfield towards the wholly unsuited Diego Costa. They looked reasonably good up until the Netherlands equalised and should have gone into the half time break 2-0 up but for a bizarre David Silva choice of shot and a superb, meme-spouting diving header from Robin van Persie. Against Chile, the team seemed to

Tiki taka is about lots of arrows, apparently

react to criticism from the first game by deciding to alter their style to that of a high-pressing, high-energy, fast moving team - basically they tried to out-Chile Chile. The predictable happened, albeit with help from an awful attempted punch from Iker Casillas, and the European Roja ended up looking toothless, losing 2-0 and crashing out of the World Cup. In the dead rubber against Australia manager Vicente del Bosque gave run-outs to players who hadn't been given a chance and basically appeared to think 'sod it', sticking the amazing non-scoring striker Fernando Torres up front with all-time Spanish top-scorer David Villa. By this time the result was academic, of course, but at least the team seemed to partially resemble that which has stood astride the footballing world for over half a decade. Ok, so it was against a dispirited Australia shorn of its one class player in Tim Cahill, who'd scored the goal of the tournament in the previous game but also picked up a second booking of the competition. Del Bosque may have lost faith in the system in the end, but the Spanish football structure must stay true to the tried and tested formula.
     For another thing, much of the meeja underestimate how deep tiki-taka runs in the Spanish psyche and footballing DNA. All levels of the international team, from schoolboy up to 100-plus capped players, train to play the game in the same style. Obviously there will be players with different attributes coming through all the time - and granted, it is unlikely a new possession-retention machine will spring up immediately to replace midfield pass-control gnome king Xavi, now retired from international football - but they will all have a similar identity. Very possibly, what went so wrong in Brazil was not the system, but the players employed to put it into action. Through a mixture of age, lack of appetite having won everything in the game, and possibly some arrogance,

The future's bright, but not orange

the playing squad which had triumphantly waggled its collective dick in the face of world footballdom for more than half a decade failed the very system that made it so very successful. The sunny flip-side to this is that although the creaking first team floundered in South America, the younger Spain teams have been doing extraordinarily well of late. The under-21 team are currently double European champions and are leading Group 4 in qualifying for the next instalment of the competition with six wins out of six and a record of 22 goals scored to only five conceded. Members of La Rojita who are surely destined to burst into the main side imminently and gain more senior caps include the likes of Isco, Morata, Muniain, Deulofeu, Jesé (who should be back in action by October), Alcântara, Carvajal and Alberto Moreno, to name but a few.
     From the current squad which just returned from Brazil, David de Gea will surely have made the number 1 jersey his own in four years, although there is an argument to say that if Casillas manages to find first team football and rediscover his form, 37 is not too old to guard the nets at a World Cup - just look at Gianluigi Buffon and (to stretch the analogy further) Faryd Mondragón! I have little doubt new Spain captain Sergio Ramos will still be about at the age of 32, although the possibility remains he may have picked up a worldwide ban for collecting 50 career red cards by then. Piqué needs to rediscover his old form if he is to continue, but is one year younger than Ramos so could well still be in and around the squad. Alba at left-back is only 25 but I expect Alberto Moreno to be pressing him for a starting berth soon, while I prefer Dani Carvajal over Azpilicueta at right-back. The Spanish midfield is harder to call taking into account the wealth of class coming through the youth ranks, but 34 may not be too old for Iniesta to still be threading his way artfully through international defences. The rest of the midfield starters at this year's competition will be around the 30 mark, so I expect only half of them to figure at this point in four years time. The Spanish attack will see the biggest overhaul of personnel come the woebegone Russian competition in 4 years' time. David Villa has already bade a tearful goodbye to the shirt and Torres shouldn't have even made the cut this time round. Pedro will be 30 but is more of a winger and will have to sort out some kind of close control by the time his pace starts to desert him. The much maligned Diego Costa is still only 25 but I fully expect him to be cast aside as a failed Brazilian experiment. However, I am confident Jesé and Morata can form the kind of partnership Torres and Villa enjoyed at their collective peak.
     One of the most important positions of the team to help rebuild its international standing is in the technical area, or more usually spotted in the dugout sporting a face like a bankrupt pug. Following Spain's exit from the World Cup, manager Vicente del Bosque offered to tender his resignation but the Spanish football authorities, seemingly for once in their madcap lives, did the right thing in turning this down. It is my opinion that he should continue onto the next international championship and possibly take his successor under his wing before then, to help with the transition and ensure the team's identity remains. Although the team didn't need any transition period between the legendary Luis Aragonés stepping down after winning Euro 2008 and del Bosque taking over, surely it would not harm anyone were this to happen.

Sense-defying regulations

     For me, one of the worst things to emerge from the doomed Spanish World Cup defence was the kit. Oh that kit! Yes Adidas, the team's nickname is La Furia Roja, but that doesn't mean that the entire bloody kit has to be rojo! Whereas Nike, Puma and even Lotto managed to understand FIFA's pillocky mandate that teams had to have one dark and one light-coloured kit, Adidas just sploshed one colour across each of its design remits. For no readily obvious reason, the rules say kits aren't allowed to use more than four colours, one of which must be 'clearly predominant'. FIFA article 35.2 states; Each team shall inform FIFA of two different and contrasting colours (one predominately dark and one predominately light kit) for its official and reserve team kit (shirt, shorts and socks). In addition, each team shall select three contrasting colours for the goalkeepers. Now, this kind of makes sense but Adidas clearly decided to err on the side of caution and just have each of its teams in block colours rather than, say, keeping Spain in their traditional red shirts with dark blue shorts and having a lighter away kit. Stupid Adidas. Bloody stupid FIFA. As an aside, I just found out the other day that QPR will no longer ever have its proper hooped kit any more (at least while in the Premiershit) as new FA rules state numbers on shirts have to be on a blank background. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Modern football really is a load of toss.
     Anyway, all these regulations meant the Spanish players emerged from the tunnel for their last game at this World Cup wearing an appropriately funereal all-black kit, having already been eliminated along with opposition Australia. The game, although a dead-rubber, allowed for a few landmarks and international goodbyes by way of compensation. David Villa started wide left and

This picture doesn't do the finish justice

was the game's stand-out player. Lively and constantly driving, it was obvious he wanted to go out on a high and he got his goal in the 35th minute - an outrageous backheel beating the keeper for his 59th goal in 97 games for his country. El Guaje is Spain's all-time top scorer and his record will take some beating, so I was saddened when he was taken off only 10 minutes after the break. Not as distraught as Villa himself, who couldn't believe his international career was halted at such an early point in the match and slumped to the bench in tears. While Torres started alongside him - and even managed to score, shockingly - there will be far far better options up front in four years time. Behind this pair Iniesta won his 100th cap but was still the only one in the Spanish midfield with any creativity and drive about him, which is why I think he could still be doing the same job in four years. Iker Casillas was dropped and replaced in goal by Reina, and while I hope it's not the last we've seen of San Iker, he really does need to rediscover himself. A trip up the mountains to a Buddhist temple calls, methinks. The captaincy was taken over by Sergio Ramos who could hold that position for a while bearing in mind Xavi's retirement and Casillas' form, regardless of the Andalucian's use of the 'dark arts' (aka cheating).
     Whereas such an ignominious exit from a competition would have gone down to recriminations and much gnashing of teeth elsewhere, in Spain the mood was one of sadness more than splittle-flecked anger and blind fury. The papers, as well as the fans, are and remain thankful to this squad for their unmatched run of three successive major international tournament victories, and as such feel bad for this cycle coming to an end in such a fashion for such an amazing team. Obviously everyone expected them to do well in defence of their hard-won crown, definitely better than they did do, but the warning signs were writ large in the Confederations Cup capitulation to Brazil last

The ignored fans at Barajas

summer. The Spain team themselves were obviously expecting a different reaction as well, so while a large number of fans queued at Barajas airport in Madrid to welcome the team back with messages of support, the players slipped through the back door, not even going through the usual passport control checks. To be fair, even apart from the abject performances in South America, the squad may not have been in the right frame of mind to face fans after it was reported their plane had been struck by lightning on its final approach to Madrid. Hopefully not an ill-omen for times ahead.
     Nevertheless, the Spanish football team still retains the support of the people, who remember with fondness the names that served them so well in the red shirt in Euro 2008, World Cup 2010 and Euro 2012. Their support remains, but they will be hoping for a Spain 2.0 to emerge from the ashes of this most deflating of tournaments.

WC 2014 - Spain obliterated by rampant Dutch

     Wow. Just wow. That was pretty bloody emphatic in the end.
     Spain, widely recognised as one of - if not the very - best teams in the history of international football, came to Brazil to defend its shiniest trinket, the World Cup won so imperiously in South Africa four years ago against their opponents here. They came with much the same squad while the Netherlands undertook a complete overhaul of theirs after betraying their principles in that bad-tempered final. After this absolute demolition job questions will no doubt be raised about some of the legends in the team that played in white on Friday evening.

The guilty parties

     The core of the Spain squad has remained pretty unchanged since it bagged the first in its three-in-a-row trophy haul in 2008 - 12 of that squad are still in the group now including 7 who started in the final against Germany. There were accusations even before this mauling that perhaps the players were becoming a bit leggy as time continues to march on for them, as it must for us all. Coach Vicente del Bosque defended them, saying they were seasoned rather than veteran, but some of the performances at the Arena Fonte Nova said otherwise. Although it is far too early to discount this team, there were worrying signs all over the pitch for the world champions. The first of which was when they marched out to reveal an all-white strip. I wouldn't mind, but the Netherlands were also in their 'away' kit. So what the hell was all that about? I know it's not important, especially bearing in mind the result, but it still irks me. Anyway, back to the actual football.
     Most of the world is envious of the strength in depth of the national pool available to the Spanish team, and yet they took the plane to Brazil with seven players (six now since Cesc signed for Chelsea) from a Barcelona team that won nothing whatsoever for the first time in six years, and only three from the exhilarating Atlético Madrid team that won the league and lost in the Champions League final. Of those three, only one got a run-out on the pitch, and he was a Brazilian in Spaniards clothing who played poorly, albeit in only his third cap for his adopted country.
     Diego Costa has taken a lot of flak already for his performance, both on social media and in the Spanish papers, and while I thought he was terrible on Friday, in mitigation it must be said that he plays a totally different system with Atleti, for whom he has performed superbly since taking over

Costa makes sure he goes down

from Falcao as the focal point of the team's attacks. For me, it was perhaps too soon to chuck him in the starting line-up, given that he'd played just two games with Spain before the tournament and has only just recovered from injury. He was full of running against the Dutch and opened up spaces for another striker to run into - the problem being that there was no other striker. He plays a different game to the rest of this tiki-taka team, and in the first half the midfield elves behind him kept uncharacteristically pinging long balls up-field for him to chase, against their better judgement - and against their preferred style of play. This was not some sort of tiki-taka evolution, it was pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-LONGBALL!! And it just didn't work. Not in the slightest.
     Costa was barracked by his fellow Brazilians in the crowd all game whenever he received possession, quite rightly, and frankly looked far better without the ball than with it. When he did

Stay classy, Diego

have the ball at feet he either fell over it or spanked wild shots metres wide of the target. Really, he was more of a danger to the fans in the stands than the Dutch goal. At times he looked like someone teleported in from another sport entirely, so absent was his mastery of the round white thing that's so central to this game. However, one thing Costa does know about top-flight football is how to play the darker side to his advantage. After 25 minutes a good ball from one of his mini-minions released the striker into the box. His first touch was slightly heavy but as he turned back onto his right foot the covering Stefan de Vrij slid in and missed the ball. Penalty. It looked for all the world that the defender may have caught Costa's foot but replays suggested the man from Lagarto, rather than stepping over the challenge, made sure to plant his trailing foot where it would be taken from under him. And besides, anyone who's seen Costa play knows he doesn't need to be touched or have someone from Japan reffing the game in order to hit the turf. Although he went the right way, Jasper Cillessen couldn't keep out Xabi Alonso's penalty.
     Costa showed more of his dark side in the second half and should have been sent off for being a dick. For apparently no reason whatsoever he pushed his head into Martins Indi when the ball was out of play. The Dutch defender should also have been booked for being an absolute tart, taking two seconds to decide he'd go down clutching his face in apparent agony. Good thing I'm not a ref - both teams would end up down to 9 men regularly.

The turning point of the match

     By that time, however, the tide had turned considerably and Spain were 2-1 down. The turning point in the match came just before half time. Spain had been good value for their lead in the first half without creating too many chances, although they'd invited danger by playing a suicidally high line against the pace of Batman and Robben. Iniesta played an absolutely exquisite reverse-pass to put David Silva clean through on goal, but the Manchester City wing-sprite elected to arrogantly try and chip the 'keeper rather than passing it round him into the net. Cillessen, winning only his ninth cap, stood up well right 'til the very end and managed to flick Silva's lob wide for a corner.

The newly-invented header-lob

     Within a minute of that spurned chance the Oranje were level. A visionary long pass from the impressive Daley Blind found Robin van Persie running into miles and miles of green grass by himself with nary a defender in sight. As the ball dropped out of the stifling evening air towards him, van Persie looked up and saw Iker Casillas stuttering off his line. Arching his back while in mid-air, the now-flying Dutchman flicked the ball over the stranded 'keeper and brought his team level. That was the kind of predatory instinct you cannot possibly teach, although Spain had been asking to be opened up in this kind of fashion all game by playing such an arrogantly high line.
     Spain were as shellshocked as the Dutch were jubilant and went in at the break with much to ponder. Within 10 minutes of the restart, though, the Netherlands took the lead in a similar manner to their equaliser. Another beautiful ball from Blind fell to Robben in the area with Piqué miles from him. Now, as good as Robben undoubtedly is, he can barely even stand on his right foot and certainly doesn't use it for footballings. Piqué obviously didn't get that memo as his powerderpuff challenge allowed the follically-challenged Dutchman to turn back onto his favoured left and smash the ball past the despairing dive of Ramos to earn some redemption for his well-documented miss in the final four years ago. 2-1 to Holland and they were looking dominant. On the hour mark they could have extended their lead further, van Persie smashing a shot off the face of the crossbar with the flying Casillas at full stretch but beaten.

Ouch

     A couple of minutes later del Bosque elected to make a double change, with one sub being more surprising than the other. Off came Costa to a final chorus of boos from the Brazilians in the crowd (and some Spaniards, no doubt), being replaced by Torres, who apparently used to score goals many moons ago. If that change was obvious, the next was far more perplexing, with the Spanish manager deciding to take off Xabi Alonso and replace him with Pedro. Del Bosque could see the tide had swung in the Netherlands' favour, but rather than shoring up his midfield he uncharacteristically elected to open it accommodatingly wide. Usually he is a more patient man than shown here. To my mind, if any of the central midfielders had to be taken off, it should have either been human stain 'Hyacinth' Busquets or the dwindling Xavi. Alonso has a far greater passing range than either and could have picked out Pedro's runs all day long. He's also more defensively sound than the Barcelona man. As it was, the decision pretty much gave the Dutch the freedom to roam at will through the diminished centre of the Spanish side, which they proceeded to do with alarming regularity.
     Two minutes after the subs, the men in dark blue were 3-1 to the good. The standard of refereeing in this tournament has ranged from the derisory - Wilmer Roldán and his linesman in the Mexico-Cameroon game - to the downright scandalous/disgraceful/corrupt - Yuichi Nishimura, the world's looking at you. I will say that Italian ref Nicola Rizzoli was better than both of these jokers, but kept getting fooled by execrable rat-cheat Busquets' disgusting diving antics and could have sent off Costa a) for being a dick b) for not playing for his real country and c) for pushing his head into another player. Nonetheless, what the blue hell he gave the Dutch a freekick for on 64 minutes is beyond me. Piqué couldn't believe it either but the dead ball was duly dispatched into the box and Stefan de Vrij converted after Casillas had come out and been impeded by van Persie. The Real Madrid number two was booked for his protestations after the goal, but replays showed he probably wouldn't have reached the ball regardless. All in all a bad day at the office for Iker who afterwards admitted it had been "the worst performance of my career".

That's when you want the ground
to swallow you up

     The Spanish briefly rallied and Silva did manage to put the ball in the net three minutes later, but was correctly called offside. This was the first decision any referee had managed to get right all tournament long, including kick-off times and even putting the right shoe on the right foot. A few minutes later, however, it appeared legendary 'keeper Casillas was the one who'd put his boots on the wrong feet. An innocuous back-pass, the touch of a rapist, the ball presented to van Persie and suddenly it's a scarcely believable 4-1. Amateurish stuff from Casillas, a man with 155 caps and the world record for the most international clean sheets, but who has only played for his team in the league twice all season.
     By this point the entire collective will of the Spain team was solely concentrated on speeding up the clock and bringing the final whistle, but the rampant Dutch weren't finished, not just yet. From defence to attack in a couple of touches - in the best Real Madrid traditions - Wesley Sneijder, who'd been foiled by Casillas with the score at 0-0 in the first half, released an absolute peach of a pass to Arjen Robben. Few players in the world have much of a chance with the Chelsea reject in a straight footrace, and Sergio Ramos isn't one of them. To be fair he should've known this and slid in

Fuck off Robben, we can count

to divert the ball wide before Robben took his first touch of it, but he passed up the opportunity and was never going to catch him after that. Casillas, presumably pinching himself to check this wasn't all some weird horrible acidy nightmare, was caught in two minds whether to come out or retreat to his line and did neither. Robben proceeded to sit him on his arse - twice - presumably enjoying some pay-back for Johannesburg, before blasting in the fifth goal. 5-1 against the world champions. I did wonder what odds you'd get on that, and it turns out it was 999-1. Someone actually bet on it. And I bet they'll be kicking themselves for not putting an extra quid on it an' all. 'Tis the way of such things.
     There was still time for Casillas to make two brilliant saves which won't be remembered in the aftermath of this game; the second from Robben after a lazy, fed-up clearance from Azpilicueta, and then for Torres to miss an open goal. Poor Álvaro Negredo must be sitting at home laughing ruefully at what he saw on Friday. Missing the final cut for the second consecutive competition, he's just had a major hand helping Man City to the title in the Premier League, and yet he was overlooked for a man who's 32 and has pitched up at a non-existent American team and consequently been banished to the comparative backwaters of Australia, a man who couldn't score in a Newcastle nightclub at 3 in the morning and a Brazilian who isn't even slightly Spanish (but admittedly has had a great season). I suppose the hundreds of grands a week he's on will soften the blow, but still.

If this were Redknapp, he'd be telling
them all how 'triffic' they've been

     As the final whistle went, the cameras cut to del Bosque walking down the line of despondent players on the bench, tapping each one on the head and murmuring some words to each of them. Spain had just suffered the third worst defeat in their entire history. A few of those left to kick their heels in the dugout can legitimately wonder whether they've a chance of getting out on the pitch for the must-win game against Chile, but I feel the manager will not alter the team much. Iniesta is assured of a place, as is Xabi Alonso. Silva put in a decent shift even if he did pass up the opportunity to put Spain 2-0 up. Despite disappearing for vast tracts of the game Xavi will almost definitely start as he is the metronome that keeps them ticking on a good day. Even apart from his outlandish little-girl falling-over antics (with apologies to little girls everywhere for the comparison) Busquets was shocking, but then again I often think that and am constantly told how wrong I am on that score, so what do I know? As poor as Piqué was, often not even in the same postcode as the striker he was supposed to be marking and continually declining the opportunity to tackle, he'll probably still line up alongside Ramos - who was more headless chicken than defender - simply because the back-up options aren't very attractive. Jordi Alba had a quiet game but is another sure starter, but I feel Azpilicueta may be replaced by Juanfran. Still can't see why Dani Carvajal was overlooked though. Up front, Costa shouldn't be allowed to play for Spain in the first

'Dejected' doesn't quite cover it

place, but even apart from that he's on a different wavelength to the rest of the team - perhaps because he's from a different country - and looked like a donkey here. Possibly as big a question mark has been raised over Iker Casillas. For my money I don't think del Bosque can or will drop him. For one thing, he's the captain, and for another it'd shake the basis of the team too much, just like Rob Green being outcast after his howler against the USA four years ago. Yes, he let in five and yes he was 100% at fault for one and could have done better with some of the others, but if his head hasn't gone after this debacle he will still line up as captain on Wednesday.
     There's absolutely no doubt about it - Spain were completely deconstructed by the Dutch - the question is, can del Bosque put them back together again before the next match?

Think these guys may have
felt a bit silly after the result

Player-by-player guide to the WC 2014 Spain squad

Yes, yes, the time is finally here. The World Cup kicks off on Thursday and they should hopefully have put out the last of the protest fires and got all the stadia mostly finished by then. To celebrate futebol coming home, then, here is a player-by-player guide to the Spain squad hoping to defend their crown and extend their historic streak:

Squad #        Name                  d.o.b.                 Club side             #caps   #goals                                        
     1          Iker Casillas       20/05/1981       Real Madrid            154       -

     San Iker has collected more international caps than the rest of the world put together since making his debut as a foetus in 2000. He won his third Champions League with Real Madrid this season despite binman Diego López being preferred by manager Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow in La Liga. Despite an unbelievable number of international records under his belt already, Casillas may have to move on if he wants first team football next season. Has been Spain captain since 2008 and led the side to two European Championship victories and that World Cup trophy last time out in South Africa. Quite simply one of the best goalkeepers of all time.

interesting* fact: Iker Casillas has more caps than three entire other teams at the World Cup.
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    12        David de Gea     07/11/1990   Manchester United       1       -

     Although the 2013/14 season was an annus horribilis (make sure to spell that right) for Manchester United, de Gea has continued to improve in the self-styled BESTEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD EVERR. No longer the pasty, string bean-vampire from when he first came to these shores, the young 'keeper seems to finally have gotten over his phobia of crosses. No doubt he will be a very good goalkeeper for Spain one day, but not before Casillas hangs up his gloves (or whatever 'keepers do when they retire) in 20 years or so.

interesting* fact: de Gea was once fined at Man Utd for keeping a vocal score during a particularly one-sided youth team match he was watching. "FOUR goals ah, ah, ah! FIVE goals ah, ah, ah! SIX..." etc etc
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    23         Pepe Reina       31/08/1982              Napoli                   31       -

     Pretty much in the squad as a mascot/official cheerleader. Usually acknowledged as the joker of the group, 'The Pepe Show' has become a fixture of any Spanish victory celebrations. This sees him get slightly bevvied up before introducing the players one by one, in his own inimitable fashion.

interesting* fact: Stanley Tucci is entirely a construct of Pepe Reina's twisted mind.
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     2           Raúl Albiol        04/09/1985              Napoli                   46       -

     Albiol forms part of the Spanish 'B' team that Rafa Benítez is dastardly putting together on the quiet at Napoli, possibly with a view to attacking the Spanish mainland from his Mediterranean base. The swarthy defender has shown himself able to grow a fine beard on occasion, but is not believed to be unleashing its full force upon an unsuspecting global audience in Brazil. Despite a chronic lack of pace, he helped gli Azzurri to victory in the Coppa Italia as well as a third-place finish in Serie A.


interesting* fact: Albiol also has one World Cup and two European Championship winners medals. No-one quite knows how or why.
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     3         Gerard Piqué      02/02/1987          Barcelona               60       4

     When not galavanting about with girlfriend Shakira, Piqué sometimes plays a bit of football for Barcelona. He acquired the improbable nickname Piquenbauer as a younger footballer but his previous aura of calmness seems to have been shattered over the past couple of seasons. Then again who wouldn't be put off by having to play with Javier Mascherano as a centre-back partner. Forms a solid partnership with Ramos on the international scene.

interesting* fact: While Shakira's hips don't lie, Piqué's knees do, hence why he wears his socks so high.
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     5             Juanfran          09/01/1985       Atlético Madrid        7      -

     Juanfran was one of the stand-out performers for Atlético Madrid in the best season the club's fans have ever seen, winning La Liga and only losing at the very last hurdle against cross-town enemies Real in the Champions League final. I'm going to stick my neck out and presume he'll be starting at right back for La Furia Roja, mainly because his name's easier for commentators to pronounce than Azpilicueta. Not really - that's no way to decide a starting XI. Otherwise no Ukrainians would ever get to play.


interesting* fact: If he'd been born a girl, Juanfran would have been called Franjuan.
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    15        Sergio Ramos    30/03/1986        Real Madrid          116     9

     Although he's gained a reputation as a dirty player, Ramos has really stepped forward for Real Madrid this season and has become a real team leader. This is best exemplified by the number of vital goals he's come up with this season - his late, late equalising goal to take the Champions League final to extra time was voted the Real Madrid goal of the season. Not as thuggish as his red cards record suggests, Ramos exemplifies a 'win-at-all-costs' mentality. He's also guaranteed to try another Panenka if any Spain games end up going to penalties.

interesting* fact: Ramos holds the record for the highest number of red cards in the history of Real Madrid, with 703.
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    18          Jordi Alba         21/03/1989          Barcelona              26       5

     The small left-back's style of play is integral to the way Spain like to play - flying down the left wing at any given opportunity, Alba constantly offers the overlap to his midfield munchkins. He's often seen as the furthest-forward Spanish player, which can sometimes take cameramen and even his own teammates by surprise. Consequently he's got a great goalscoring record for his position at international level.



interesting* fact: Although not an angry man by nature, he doesn't like you. Yes, you.
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    22    César Azpilicueta  28/08/1989            Chelsea                   6       -

     Bought from Marseille a couple of seasons back, Azpilicueta now operates as Chelsea left-back/right-back. Rumours that he's taken to shooting work experience kids with air rifles are, at time of writing, unconfirmed. Should be an interesting battle between Azpilicueta and a few others to be the regular Spain right-back over the coming years. Dani Carvajal was unlucky to miss the final squad cut in the end, and could provide good competition over the coming seasons along with Juanfran.


interesting* fact: His nickname at Chelsea is 'Dave', but only because John Terry can't spell his actual name. To be fair, John Terry can't spell full-stop, so it's not all that surprising.
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     4        Javi Martínez       02/09/1988      Bayern Munich         17     -

     Another successful season in Germany ended with Bayern Munich winning a second consecutive Bundesliga trophy. Martínez continued to alternate games between centre-mid, centre-back and the bench. A big bruising player, he sticks out like a sore thumb among all the diminutive Spanish passing gnomes around him when he does play for la Roja. Mostly he's a back-up player. Or back-up back-up due to his versatility.


interesting* fact: His forefathers were vikings who came from the north by way of Aberdeen, then Hull, before finally settling down in the north of Spain. They were aiming for Amsterdam but overshot.
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     6       Andrés Iniesta      11/05/1984          Barcelona               96    12

     Iniesta is the scorer of the most important goal in Spanish footballing history and still gets a positive reception from opposition fans when Barça play away games. He's deceptively good on the ball with a low centre of gravity and seems to float past defenders like the ghost he resembles. Links up well with fellow Barcelona man Xavi, but tends to play wider on the left internationally. By all accounts, a thoroughly nice bloke. Just needs to get out in the sun a bit more. Not too hard in Spain, you'd think.


interesting* fact: Iniesta is actually a Thunderbird. Once you know the strings are there you'll be able to spot them easily.
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     8                 Xavi               25/01/1980          Barcelona             132   13

     Quite simply a midfield metronome. He's not a fast player, doesn't shoot too often and is no better a dribbler than your average player - how did this guy make it as a footballer?! Quite simply the best in the world at passing to a teammate 5m away. Xavi was pivotal to the creation of the highly-successful but often eye-meltingly boring art of tiki-taka. Usually to be found in the centre circle directing the entire game despite looking half asleep.

interesting* fact: Xavi will always be able to spot if Sergio Ramos is about to miss a penalty before anyone else does.
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    10       Cesc Fàbregas   04/05/1987      Barcelona           89   13

     The former Arsenal, current Barcelona and possibly future Chelsea player is nominally a midfielder, but is more usually spotted for Spain deployed in the 'false nine' role. If it's two things this Spain team will be remembered for (apart from being the greatest of all time) it'll be the phrases tiki-taka and false bloody nine. Though his club are currently hawking him around Europe for EUR30m, for a makeshift striker/midfielder (strikefielder?) Cesc doesn't boast too many goals.

interesting* fact: Barcelona are only trying so hard to sell Cesc back to Arsenal so that they can then buy him back in another couple of years. They intend to do this at least two more times.
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   13        Juan Mata      28/04/1988   Manchester United     32      9

     Yet another tricksy, fun-sized Spanish midfielder. Despite the disadvantage of having a big ol' square head, Mata is actually very nippy. A good eye for a pass as well means it'll be interesting to see the battle between him, Rooney and Kagawa for the #10 role at Manchester United next season. Despite his attributes and undoubted quality, Mata's still not a starter for Spain.





interesting* fact: Mata's head is actually a giant Lego brick.
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    14        Xabi Alonso       25/11/1981         Real Madrid         110    15

     Like Xavi, another player integral to keeping possession of the ball in the Spanish midfield. However, Xabi Alonso boasts a far greater range of passing than the Barcelona man, albeit with not as high a completion rate. Also likes the occasional speculative strike from 3 miles away from goal, just for shits and giggles. Showed class by not doing a John Terry at the Champions League final.



interesting* fact: It's not true that Xabi Alonso has brown hair but a red beard. He dyes them both, so in actual fact he was born with red hair and a brown beard.
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    16    Sergio Busquets  16/07/1988           Barcelona                65       -

     I'll be straight-up honest here; I don't like Busquets as a human being out there on the pitch and genuinely think he's overrated as a player. And he looks like a rat. And he is a rat. But then again he's a mainstay in the Spanish team and has been for years so maybe I just missed a memo or something. But he's still a rat. If you Google his name, the first suggested result that pops up is 'Sergio Busquets dive'. Says it all really.

interesting* fact: Sergio Busquets' nickname is Hyacinth.
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    17              Koke              08/01/1992       Atlético Madrid           8        -

     The new kid on the block of an extremely settled Spain squad, Koke is another one that enjoyed a fantastic 2013/14 with Atlético Madrid. A good spotter of a pass, his game has continued to improve and he ended the season with a highly-impressive 14 assists. Made the final cut for the World Cup squad thanks to injuries to Jesús Navas and Thiago Alcântara.




interesting* fact: Koke used to be a bit of a fatty. Since slimming down, he has been awarded the nickname 'Diet'.
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  20       Santi Cazorla      13/12/1984            Arsenal             63      10

     Quite possibly the smallest man in the world, Santi Cazorla has continued to grow as a footballer if not as a human man. A world-class dribbler, it defies belief how genuinely two-footed he is - he can strike the ball or spank a long-range pass equally as well with either foot. Still not good enough for a starting berth for his country though, for all that. Also boasts good straight-line speed thanks to the aerodynamics of his large hooter - Cazorla's face is essentially just a nose with eyes on the side instead of nostrils.

interesting* fact: Born to a poor family, Cazorla used to have to sleep in a cigarette packet until the age of 13, which stunted his growth somewhat.
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  21        David Silva         08/01/1986    Manchester City    80      20

     Like Cazorla but plays for a more successful club. Instead of an Easter Island nose, though, David Silva has a beauty spot like that Cindy Crawford. What isn't widely known is that it's removable and the midfield maestro sometimes wears it on the other side of his face. Other times he decides to forgo it completely. Such is the life of the fashion-conscious footballer. And a ruddy good footballer he is too. After another solid season controlling Man City's attacking play he could start on the right wing for Spain, cutting in onto his left foot.

interesting* fact: At an end-of-season beano once, Silva was disciplined after sticking his removable beauty spot to the middle of his forehead and making a racially insensitive joke.
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   7          David Villa       03/12/1981       Melbourne City        96     58

     The third of four players in the Atlético Madrid contingent, David Villa scored 13 goals in 36 Liga games this season, playing a large part in securing the historic championship. After the celebrations died down, he became the first (and so far only!) player to sign for New York City. However, seeing as they don't exist as a footballing entity until 2015, he was immediately loaned out to Melbourne City instead. Like all ageing footballers since time immemorial going across the pond for a final payday, Villa's heading there in order to 'build the sport' in America.


interesting* fact: In English, David Villa's name means David Villa.
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    9      Fernando Torres  20/03/1984            Chelsea              107     37

     You'd think that 30 would be an age by which people would've stopped calling you 'The Kid', especially if you had a voice as sonorously deep as Torres', but apparently not. Refound his scoring boots for Chelsea sporadically this season, but that work experience lad keeps hiding them again. Used to be the main man up top for club and country, but has slipped down the pecking order somewhat. Frankly, I'm surprised he's been picked ahead of Álvaro Negredo. The unfortunate City striker misses out at the very last moment for the second tournament in succession.

interesting* fact: The real reason Ashley Cole shot that kid was 'cos he kept playing silly beggars with Nando's boots. Cashley was just trying to help a mate and ended up getting vilified for it. Torres didn't even stand up for him and explain.
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    11             Pedro            28/06/1987          Barcelona              40      14

     As a younger player he went by the name Pedrito. Unlike Torres, however, he eventually realised when the time was right to move on, and dropped the diminutive. He's absolutely lightning-quick across the ground but doesn't exude skills. Then again it must be hard to do stepovers (that's 'lollipops', to Big Ron Atkinson fans) while your legs are whirling around like a Mexican cartoon mouse.



interesting* fact: Pedro has been clocked doing the 100m in 3.82secs. He was consequently fined as he was in a 30mph zone at the time.
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    19         Diego Costa      07/10/1988      Atlético Madrid           2       -

     Costa apparently chose to represent Spain because Big Phil Scolari didn't phone him up personally, even though the World Cup being held in the country of his birth should be incentive enough. It's not quite Yaya Touré levels of sheer idiocy, but not far off. I can foresee an uncomfortable reception for the big man, especially if the two countries end up facing off in the second round. After slathering horse placenta over his leg, Costa reckons he's now over his injury and raring to go.



interesting* fact: Costa is Spanish. A 100% bona fide Iberian bull.
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The main problem I can see with this Spain team is that they're going to look stupid wearing all red rather than their iconic dark blue shorts, thanks to Adidas screwing up following FIFA's pointless and daft explanation on kit regulations. Most positions are already taken in the Spain starting XI with only a couple in doubt. Truthfully, this is a very settled side apart from at right-back and up front. I reckon Torres may start the first game on Friday but after that Costa will make his World Cup bow, being given a little more time to recover from his hamstring injury. Meanwhile, I expect César Azpilicueta to start at right-back, no matter the difficulties it may cause some pundits;

                                                                          Casillas (c)

                                   Azpilicueta           Ramos             Piqué          Jordi Alba

                                                            Xabi Alonso     Busquets
                                                                               Xavi

                                             Silva                                                      Iniesta
                                                                              Costa






*neither fact nor interesting, quite possibly made-up