Papa Ramos' big week ends badly

     On Tuesday night Sergio Ramos' other half Pilar Rubio gave birth to the couple's first son. Within 24 hours the Real Madrid centre-back had scored his fifth goal in four games to put his team ahead against Real Valladolid; leading by example, practically dragging his team forward single-handedly at times. So good was he, in fact, that it seemed he must have made a pact with Rubio to name their son after the man of the match from last night's game: The name Sergio Ramos chose for his son was...Sergio Ramos. He missed a trick there by not calling him Val Kilmer.
     Ramos was everywhere, turning up to great effect at either end of the field and everywhere in between. 'Imperious' just about covers his performance. And yet he didn't end up on the winning team. Neither did any of the opposition. In fact, the only team that really won last night wasn't even playing: Barcelona stand to gain most from Madrid failing to take this 90 minutes by the throat.

The lesser-spotted Casillas

     The man from Camas, just outside Seville, led the team like a man possessed without the need to wear the captain's armband. That particular honour fell to the man who hadn't turned out in the league for Madrid in 473 days; Iker Casillas. San Iker's last league game for los Blancos was on January 10 last year, when they beat Valencia 5-0 at the Mestalla. He's still managed 21 games this season thanks to the team's run to the final of both the Champions League and the Copa del Rey, but is only playing the remaining Liga matches in order to stay match-fit ahead of the CL final against Atlético. Still, his record isn't half bad, keeping clean sheets in 14 of those games and only conceding 9 in total. As good as that record was, it now reads 10 conceded in 22 after a headed Valladolid equaliser 5 minutes from time at Estadio Nuevo José Zorrilla.
     The orange Blancos streamed forward right from the off and looked for all the world like they'd steam straight into Valladolid, manager Ancelotti announcing before the game that his side wouldn't sit back or take things easily. However, apart from a storming first 3 minutes, that's exactly what his team did. They laboured in possession, seemingly bereft of ideas after resting several key players for a variety of reasons. The cause was not helped when Cristiano Ronaldo limped off after only 9 minutes holding the left leg he'd shown to Ancelotti in training earlier in the day. CR7 remained in the Madrid dugout in his kit 'til the end of the game, but grew increasingly frustrated at his teammates' inability to take charge of the net. Indeed, next to him Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow jiggled more and more nervously the longer it seemed his side wouldn't find a way through a tight defensive line consisting of 6 Valladolid players at some points.

Papa Ramos celebrates his goal

     Eventually the capital team managed to break the deadlock through an ever-more reliable source - Sergio Ramos senior. The Madrid number 4 took over free kick duties from Ángel Di María after the Argentine had lofted a previous effort tamely into the stands, and curled a pearler of a set piece over the wall and past the despairing dive of Jaime. Ramos ran straight over the the bench to celebrate with Ronaldo, or perhaps to tell him that he'd just made him his free kick bitch. We can only speculate. Nonetheless, my tardiness was punished as I ran out of time before the game to stop into the bookies and place a bet on el Comanche to score first. I really should leave my bloody house earlier when Ramos is on the scoring trail, damnit..
     The goal didn't serve to spur Madrid on, unfortunately, and the longer the game went on, the deeper they sat, leaving Ancelotti's eyebrow to pace up and down the Italian's face with worry. Passing moves starting from a corner would end up all the way back on the halfway line, or even back with Casillas. Yes, I realise it's novel and fun to have San Iker back in the team, but try and win the game rather than sitting on a dodgy one goal lead for an hour! If nothing else, the result shows that teams should stay true to their principles. Madrid were built to attack, and that's what they should've kept doing.
     As Del Boy always said, and was never proved wrong; "He who dares wins". - Only counts if you say it in English though, Tottingham fans, soz. - Real Madrid were too afraid to kill the game off, and were punished for some lax defending from a corner in the 85th minute, Humberto Osorio heading majestically home past Casillas. No amount of match-practice could've helped San Iker save that header, though perhaps some more lessons on defending corners wouldn't go amiss in the capital as two defenders seemed to collide and get in each others' way.

Ancelotti's eyebrow; not amused

     Looking back on the game, Val Kilmer Papa Ramos lamented the fact his team had "settled" for the 1-0 win, and conceded the Liga challenge is now Shirley over. Ancelotti, fluttering eyebrow the only thing giving away any real emotion beneath his steely facade, claimed rather hopefully that "we controlled that game apart from the last 20 minutes. Iker Casillas had barely a save to make, in the end we tried but it proved impossible. I don't think it was down to a lack of attitude; we lacked a bit of mental energy, we conceded a goal from a set-piece and that's what kept us from winning." Xabi Alonso was more realistic, saying his team displayed neither the concentration nor the intensity to close out the game.
     As things stand, Atleti will be crowned champions if they draw their last two games; Barcelona if they win both of theirs. However, the most likely scenario is that Atleti will walk over Málaga this weekend (los Boquerones have been useless and handing out free points to the opposition for weeks now, if not months) then no doubt allow Barcelona the points needed on the final weekend to ensure Real Madrid finish third. Mark my words, the bookies will be offering short odds on this. However, Real only have themselves to blame. They could have overtaken Barcelona if they'd only had the courage of their convictions last night. And a few more Sergio Ramoses. At least there's one more in the world now, even if it may not help them this season.

     Elsewhere, the National Anti-Violence Commission has increased the fine levied against Villarreal for the Alves/banana incident by a whole EUR6,000!!! Yes, you read that right - EUR6,000! That'll learn 'em! To be fair, the Commission also recommended the banana-chucker be banned from entering stadia for a further two years. But I though Villarreal had already revoked his membership and banned him for life? I'm sure this shows they mean business when tackling racism; throw a banana at a player and not only will you be banned for life, your ashes won't be allowed inside any grounds for two years after you're brown bread.
     Down in the Segunda, the expected sale of Real Zaragoza will not be going ahead tomorrow as planned after a judge in the Codesport case ruled that any money brought in by Agapito Iglesias from the deal would be seized.

El derbi canario - #bigtings

     The biggest game in the second tier this weekend is undoubtedly the Canary Islands derby between Las Palmas and Tenerife. The pair have an intense rivalry ranked among the top 50 in the world and Saturday's game should be pretty epic, all the more so as both are in the top 6 and could yet face off again in the promotion playoffs. Juan Carlos Valerón, of Deportivo de La Coruña, Spain and Championship Manager fame who is now back at first club Las Palmas, says he "cannot wait" for the derby and is still pained by his team's 3-0 defeat earlier in the season. That was the 38-year-old's first ever derby against the eternal rivals, as the two teams were in different leagues throughout his first spell with the club. 'El Flaco' has no doubt the Estadio de Gran Canaria will be full to its 31,000 capacity and is looking forward to an insane atmosphere. This may well prove his last chance to be involved in at such a game should one of the teams go up, so he's sure to enjoy it. One player who won't be enjoying the game from the pitch is Tenerife top goal-getter Ayoze, who misses out due to suspension. He will be replaced by either Raúl Cámara or Javi Moyano, both of whom are only just returning from injury. Although los Blanquiazules have lost their last two games on the spin, Cámara says the squad has been feeding off the energy from the fans in the streets all week, and is 'bang up for it'. Or he would if he were English.
     Meanwhile, league leaders Dépor will be without midfielder Juan Carlos Real for Sunday's game against Alavés after he was injured in training by Alberto Lopo. I think the lesson there is must. be. more. careful..

Sergio Ramos  /   Val Kilmer

Week 36 - Second winds and suplexes

     If the top three in La Liga were marathon runners, Week 36 was the point in the race at which they suffered a collective sugar crash and hit the wall.

     None of them has held a massively convincing lead all season long, with all three swapping places periodically. Atlético have been leading for a while now, having won nine in a row since the 2-2 draw with Real, and are in control of pole position as the trio enter the athletics stadium for the final 400m of the marathon. No-one gave the capital's second club even the slightest hope of figuring in the race for first at the start of the season and although it would still represent great work to finish even third, so close to the incomparable riches of Barcelona and Real Madrid, Cholo Simeone would be absolutely sickened to see his team falter now and lose what they've fought so hard for all season. So would every single neutral fan in the world (I did a survey).
     Much to the dismay of neutrals across the galaxy, los Colchoneros dropped 3 massive points on Sunday and were caught up by Barcelona and Real Madrid. However the dream remains alive as their rivals only managed to pull Atleti back by a solitary point after both drew in the 92nd minute, one scoring at that point and the other conceding. This was the first time all season the top three had dropped points on the same weekend; on such margins are leagues won, lost and misplaced. The three results mean Atlético still have the title in their own hands and are favourites with just two games remaining, but it is anyone's guess as to who can blast through the pain barrier in the mad final dash to the finish line and claim the league trophy.

'Tito, always eternal'

     Barcelona were up first out of the top three this weekend, hosting relegation-haunted Getafe at Camp Nou. Los Culés have had to re-evaluate what they consider a walkover this season, and playing the team joint third from bottom no longer counts as such. The club unveiled a massive banner dedicated to Tito Vilanova before kickoff, but the team were unable to honour their former manager in the way they would have wanted. Barça posted their usual numbers with regards to possession and passes but yet again it was the final score that mattered most, the home team conceding in the 92nd minute. Twice they had led, though Messi and Alexis Sánchez, and twice they were pegged back level by the not-normally prolific Ángel Lafita.

Real legend vs Real traitor

     After the game Getafe manager Cosmin Contra stated his belief that his team can stay in the Primera if they continue to play "with such spirit," but despite being unbeaten in three games his team will need others to play worse than them as they are only a point above the relegation zone and have Valencia up next. The subject of much discussion in Catalunya at present is the identity of the next Barcelona manager as the word is that the club will say ta-ta to Tata once this season is finally over. Real Madrid turncoat Luis Enrique appears to be favourite after he was spotted meeting Azulgrana director of football and former teammate Andoni Zubuzarreta at the start of the week, but Celta Vigo are doing their darndest to hold onto him. Other speculation has alleged the team is chasing current Athletic Bilbao coach Ernesto Valverde.

     The result at Camp Nou meant Altético Madrid had the chance to streak ahead of Barcelona on the final corner of the marathon before the home straight and dash Blaugrana hopes in the title challenge, but they too stuttered. Although left-back Filipe Luis scored an unfortunate own-goal after only 7 minutes, the real author of Alteti's downfall was Levante 'keeper Keylor Navas, who had another stupendous game in the face of 23 shots from los Colchoneros (8 on target). The Costa Rican has been in rich form recently and a video emerged of him this week saving tennis balls shot at him at 160km by pro tennis player Pablo Andújar. David Barral doubled Levante's lead midway through the second half following a sweet one-two with Víctor Casadesús, but it had long since been apparent that Atleti wouldn't be able to knock down the wall called Keylor.

No bananas to make a light-hearted
but serious point this time

     After the game Cholo Simeone opined that the loss was "the best thing that could have happened to us", while Levante goalscorer Barral apologised to Atlético fans and defended that his team "wanted to win the match; not fuck the league up for anybody". Despite the league leaders dropping points at the Estadi Ciutat de València, the main talking point after the match was, yet again, racism. Levante midfield crusher Pape Diop heard monkey chants emanating from the away end throughout the game, and eventually did a monkey dance in response. By this time, with his team leading, a few Atleti players close by thought he was doing a victory dance in front of their fans and ran over to remonstrate with him. One of the main peace-makers following the unsightly set-to that developed was Diego Costa - a man usually more comfortable in the role of antagonist - who had spotted what had gone on. The TV cameras also spotted what had gone on, and caught an Atético fan taunting Diop, jumping from side to side with hands under his armpits. It remains to be seen what, if any, action the LFP takes. After the game, Diop explained "they called me a monkey, so I turned and imitated a monkey. I'm tired of racism in football, and there's a lot of it." The midfielder went on to say "I'm not sure if it's racism or a lack of respect, but they've got to stop the monkey chants."

     After Barcelona's last-minute draw and Atleti's defeat, Real Madrid could have put themselves in a much better position ahead of the last two weekends of action but seemingly staggered when trying to overtake their rivals on the outside of that final turn in the title race. Los Blancos had their most difficult remaining match on Sunday night, hosting Valencia at the Bernabéu, and knew that if they won they'd leapfrog Barcelona and be 3 points behind their cross-town rivals with a game in hand.

Haiiiii-yah!!

     After the taxing task of thrashing Bayern Munich in midweek, Ancelotti's eyebrow decided to rest a few players, with the likes of Marcelo, Varane and Illarramendi starting. Valencia took the lead just before half-time through Jeremie Mathieu but Real equalised through Sergio Ramos' third headed goal in a week. Permanently dopey-faced QPR-reject Dani Parejo put the visitors back in front and Brazilian 'keeper extraordinaire Diego Alves managed to keep the white hordes at bay right up to the very end when Di María's cross found Cristiano Ronaldo in the area. The Portuguese span on a sixpence, turned and ninja-kicked the ball into the net. Bruce Lee eat your heart out.

Betis - getting there eventually

     Down at the bottom, already-relegated Betis lost in the 94th minute to nearly-relegated Almería in the seemingly-weekly Andalusian derby. If these two were taking part in the same marathon as the top three they'd both be raising money and coming along just 'for the fun'; Almería dressed in a massive and overly sweaty donkey outfit and Real Betis turning up in a deep-sea diving suit, eventually finishing the course a week after everyone else. This result could prove the energy drink that boosts los Rojiblancos' chances of survival after a completely unmarked Ramon Azeez headed a 94th-minute winner, sparking a mini pitch invasion.
     Above Betis but below Getafe and Almería in the two remaining relegation spots are Osasuna and Real Valladolid. Osasuna look to be on a bit of a downer after being sunk by a Nolito brace at home to Celta Vigo while la Pucela beat Espanyol 1-0 to draw level on 35 points. Granada moved 3 points above the relegation zone with a 1-1 draw at Real Sociedad, secured with a 93rd minute Odion Ighalo strike. Elche kept space between themselves and the drop thanks to a 1-0 win at Málaga courtesy of a Garry Rodrigues goal 11 minutes in. In all seriousness the league should be wrapped up come the weekend as Atlético play Málaga. The boys in blue and white may as well not bother turning up, so absolutely shameful has their form been. They're 5 points clear of the drop but will only be safe thanks to others' screw-ups, rather than through any iota of effort on their own part, manager Berndt Schuster saying he didn't recognise some of the players on the pitch on the weekend. To complete the round-up, Athletic Bilbao secured a Champions League spot for next season thanks to a 3-0 win over Rayo Vallecano allied to a Sevilla 0-0 draw at home to Villarreal.


     The compact nature of the standings in Liga Adelante, as well as the fact that anyone can beat almost anyone else on any given day, mean the lower division resembles not so much a marathon as a royal rumble wrestling match. With less spandex. And less homoerotic undertones. But probably just as much diving.

One happier with the result than t'other

     Current leaders Deportivo de La Coruña are losing form at exactly the wrong time, possibly tiring from being in the centre of the ring for so long. They drew 2-2 away at local rivals CD Lugo after leading 2-0 through first-half goals from Diego Ifrán and Pablo Insua before the home team hit back through a Vincenzo Rennella brace. The Italian's second came 5 minutes from time thanks to a complete brain-fart from the Depor defence; a free kick causing all sorts of problems and ending with 'keeper Germán Lux rushing out just to punch thin air before the ball nestled into the unguarded net.

     Behind Superdépor each of Eibar, Las Palmas and Real Murcia won, heaping increased pressure on the team from the north east with the gap between them now down to 2, 7 and 9 points respectively. Eibar enjoyed their trip to the islands where they defeated Mallorca 2-0, both goals coming from David Mainz in the 75th and 78th minutes. If the first was down to lazy, poor defending as the Mallorca players sat off him in the area, the second was down to...lazy, poor defending; this time 'keeper Rubén Miño not expecting the ball to pop out of a challenge at him before he meekly palmed it into the fortuitous striker's path.

Gómez and pals celebrate

     Las Palmas beat Zaragoza, who local businessman Mariano Casasnovas is supposedly preparing to buy, 2-1 at La Romareda thanks to a Vicente Gómez brace inside the first 11 minutes, the second an absolute peach. Instead of controlling a lofted through-ball from deep, the striker cheekily lofted it over the stranded Leo Franco with his left foot on the volley. A truly stupendous strike. Los Blanquillos pulled a goal back through Paco Montañés on the quarter-hour mark but couldn't force another.

     Murcia were also away, at Hércules. In addition to strengthening their own promotion hopes, los Pimentoneros added to the relegation worries of their hosts, their 3-2 victory leaving the Alicante club rock bottom. Saúl gave the visitors the lead after capitalising on possibly the weakest and most ill-advised backpass in the history of mankind from Hector Font who, to be fair to him, had only just come on. Former Barcelona and Man Citeh youth Gai Assulin equalised just before halftime, but further crass and ponderous defending allowed Murcia to bag all three points in spite of a late de Lucas consolation. Hércules by name, seemingly not by nature.

Celebrating before the equaliser...
tsk tsk

     El Toralín saw some suspect goalkeeping in a six-pointer between Ponferradina and Alavés which was won by the hosts 2-1 and leaves the visitors level with Hércules seated on the trapdoor with 41 points. Things continue to go from bad to worse for Real Madrid Castilla and one can hazard a guess that not many of this current crop will be seen at the Bernabéu anytime soon. In front of a crowd of 3,450 Castilla surrendered a 1-0 lead against Real Jaén to end the game all square; a result which favours neither team in their quests to avoid the drop.

     The result of the day was seen in the Canary Islands, where Girona did themselves a massive favour by suplexing high-flying Tenerife 1-0 with a Jandro penalty on 47 minutes after Javi Moyano was harshly adjudged to have handled in the area.

     Five games left; fifteen points up for grabs; plenty still to play for at both the top and bottom. Llllllet's get ready to rumblllllllllle!

Liga Adelante... a compact, sweaty mess