Massive week for Madrid in League & Cup

     All the way through, as the weeks and months racked up with his team still in pole position, Cholo Simeone argued they wouldn't be able to win it. Everyone agreed. There was no way Atlético Madrid would be able to stay the course and prise La Liga from the monied grip of the Real Madrid-Barcelona duopoly. Then results started to falter - for all three teams. Real were first to lose touch; three games without a win and they were out of the race even if they won on the last day (and they did, 3-1). Barcelona had drawn two in a row ahead of the final game of the season but still had the title within their grasp - all they had to do was beat Atleti and they'd win the league. At home. In front of a packed Camp Nou with just 447 away fans shunted precariously up in the heavens. Atleti had also faltered; no wins in the last two games, draws becoming easier to come by than wins. However, just one more draw would secure their first title since 1996, when Cholo was out on the pitch rather than in the dugout, and the omens were good - they hadn't lost to Barca in five meetings already this season.

The lucky 447

     Barcelona had been looking shaky of late, the positive results they did pick up coming courtesy of strange own-goals and lucky let-offs. They did not look far better in front of their partisan home crowd on Saturday either but were handed a massive boost when both Diego Costa and Arda Turan had to come off injured before the game was 25 minutes old. With Atleti's star players tear-struck on the bench, Barcelona proceeded to take the lead in emphatic style with an audacious, barnstorming goal from the otherwise bland-as-light mayonnaise Alexis Sánchez. The Chilean received a knock-down from the sluggish-looking Messi in the area just after the half-hour mark and blasted the ball past La Liga goalkeeper of the season Thibaut Courtois from an acute angle into the roof of the net. No-one on earth could've stopped that strike, not even the Zamora winner. However, despite getting their noses in front Barcelona never really looked like extending their lead and became increasingly frustrated, typified by both alleged World Cup enthusiast Messi and man-rat experiment Sergio Busquets being booked at half time for dissent.

Godín goal

     I couldn't say for sure what Simeone told his team at half-time but I'm positive it involved swearing. A lot of swearing. Whatever he said, it had the desired effect as Atleti equalised within 5 minutes of the restart. They could have actually scored even before that as they lay siege to pirate Pinto's goal straight from kick-off, but eventually pulled level when Diego Godín launched himself skywards and smacked a header past the despairing 'keeper from a Gabi corner. The few hundred Atleti fans in the stands went berserk while (most of) the rest of the country prayed for the result to stay this way. They all will have had their hearts in their mouths when Messi did find the net, but the diminutive Argentine was flagged offside, calming fears of nationwide palpitations.

     Pipped to the league by that solitary equalising goal, it has to be said the fans in Camp Nou were magnanimous in defeat. At the final whistle all sides of the stadium rose and applauded the victors, sensing the fact they had seen the culmination of something special. The match may not have proved a classic, but the season definitely was. And hey, at least the Madrid they'd lost the title to was Atético and not Real, right? In Marca, the only Barcelona player to receive a half-decent rating was the possibly-outgoing Javier Mascherano who was awarded 6.5 out of 10. Iniesta got 5.5, Pedrito got 4 and Messi got 3. Conversely, every single Atleti player was scored as either a 9 or a 10 with the exception of Costa and Turan, both of whom got 7s. OK, this is Marca we're talking about and the markings, while way over-egged, are not to be unexpected.

The Atleti-dominated team of the season

The performance typified Atleti's entire season; their team ethic, their determination and their leader on the sidelines, the man who played for Atlético both when they'd last won the championship and when they re-emerged from the purgatory of the Segunda División in 2003. Just to reiterate the point, seven Atleti players made the Liga BBVA team of the season; Courtois, Filipe Luis, Godín, Juanfran, Gabi, Koke and Diego Costa. No Barcelona players whatsoever were included while Real Madrid's only representative was CR7, who also claimed the Pichichi trophy. Ander Iturraspe and Aymeric Laporte of Athletic Bilbao also made the cut, as did Sevilla's highly impressive Croatian Ivan Rakitić, who in my opinion was the player of the season outright and now looks set to be bombarded with offers of heavy bags of money from Real Madrid over the summer.
     At the final whistle Cholo was enveloped in a bear hug by Germán 'Mono' Burgos, the ever-expanding former Atleti keeper, finally being disgorged to display a wide, almost manic smile. After repeatedly denying his team could do it, they'd finally done it. Nothing could dampen the Argentine manager's spirits. When it emerged that the team would not be presented with the league title trophy because Ángel María Villar, the president of the Spanish Football Federation, was unable to attend the match, Simeone smiled again and said "that doesn't matter, they can't take it off us". No, Cholo, they cannot indeed.

All whores free!!!

Despite the absence of the league trophy, reportedly over 200,000 Colchoneros turned out in Madrid for the title procession. The city was painted white and red, where it is historically more used to being painted simply white. They lined the route for miles, perched on any vantage point they could find or riding alongside on mopeds, and the parade eventually culminated at the Fountain of Neptune, which has seen a lot more action in recent years than its counterpart a short walk away at Cibeles. They partied well into the night, and some of the players promised they would be back in a week's time to celebrate victory over la Real in the Champions League final as well. Many partied well into the night in Valencia too, although some were working overtime: brothel D'Angelo Palace had taken out an advert in the paper during the week promising "If Atlético Madrid win the league, all whores free!!!", as well as offering free drinks during the game itself. I imagine the owner will have been left feeling bruised the next day. Not half as much as his employees though...

     In the aftermath of Atleti's victory, Tata Martino bade goodbye to the team, stepping down after admitting it had been 'a privilege' to be part of the set-up at Barcelona. He was replaced with Real Madrid turncoat Luis Enrique. I can see the sense in the move; it's similar to when they appointed Pep Guardiola to the role. Before leaving for first-team manager positions elsewhere, Enrique had been the Barca B coach. The first team is widely accepted to be in need of a revamp or overhaul, and he will know the players coming through now from his time with them when they were younger. Not many will know better than he who, if any, of them is poised or able to become the next Xavi, Puyol etc. Plus he'll add another extra niggle to next season's Clásicos.

     Saturday afternoon brings the game of the season outside of La Liga, with two of the very best teams in the league facing each other in a one-off encounter. To the victor go the spoils and the glory. But enough about QPR at Wembley as they prepare to take on Derby, Saturday also sees Real Madrid take on Atlético Madrid in the Champions League final. As has been pointed out before, this is the first ever final between two teams from the same city. Real are still chasing la Décima, their tenth European Cup, while Atleti are playing for their first. Los Rojiblancos have reached the final just once before, in 1974 when they lost 4-0 to Bayern Munich in a replay after drawing 1-1 after extra time in the first game.

Costa & Turan; both hairy and important

     Atleti's biggest injury concern is over star Brazilian Spanish striker Diego Costa and European beard-champion Arda Turan. The influential pair were back to training with a football by early Thursday afternoon before joining the main group for a short while, but remain touch and go for the final. Costa had previously flown to Serbia for special horse placenta treatment. Well you would, wouldn't you? I know he's liable to try anything to make sure he plays in the biggest game of his career, but surely this doctor's taking him for a ride?
     As CR7 and Bale both seem to have recovered sufficiently from their injuries, Real's major doubt rests with Pepe; the central defender has formed a formidable double-act with Sergio Ramos in the centre of defence. As well as being one of the best partnerships in the modern game, they must also Shirley be the most despised bar none. Nevertheless for all the cheating, handstamping, diving, whining, attempted murders and more diving, Pepe is a class defender on his day and would be missed by Ancelotti. The Italian's eyebrow need not leap into a dance of frustration just yet though, as youngster Raphaël Varane could regain fitness in time to deputise. The Frenchman was brilliant last season but has found it difficult to disrupt the Pepe/Ramos axis of evil this time round. If he starts, lump on him for the first goal - there's my tip. Karim Benzema is expected to start after recovering from injury.

Alonso: out

Xabi Alonso, however, will definitely miss out after needlessly collecting a second booking in the semi-final second-leg with his team 4-0 up on aggregate. This rule should definitely be scrapped - the only reason a player should miss the final of any competition, apart from injury or just being John Terry, should be a red card in the previous match. Finals are showcase events and supporters and spectators - sorry FIFA, consumers - want to see the best players out there. Minor rant over.

     As a seperate nice touch, Atlético's specially-made shirts for the final will carry the name of deceased club legend Luis Aragonés inside the collar. The man who Cholo said he could feel defending with the team in the closing stages against Barcelona last week is a massive part of the history of los Colchoneros having played with great distinction for the club for a decade. Despite being best known on these shores solely for his negro de mierda comments about World Cup cheat Thierry Henry to José Antonio Reyes ahead of an international game, Aragonés has the seventh-most appearances for Atleti, with 372, and is the club's all-time top scorer with 173 goals. He also managed the club over four separate spells totalling 17 years, helping the team escape the Seguna División in his last spell. He also set the Spanish international team on its way to winning absolutely everything.

     I apologise that this post wasn't as in-depth a look at either the big game last week or the upcoming Champions League final on Saturday as I would've liked, but I've been looking forward to watching QPR at Wembley all week - I can't really concentrate on anything else. The scheduling also means I either won't watch the Champions League final at all, or may watch it and not remember a great deal, depending on the Rangers result! So the next post may be on something completely unrelated. Soz. I promise to make up for it with a good 'un though, scouts honour :P

Charlie, Charlie Charlie,
Charlie Charlie,
Charlie Charlie Austin!!

Papa Ramos' big week ends badly

     On Tuesday night Sergio Ramos' other half Pilar Rubio gave birth to the couple's first son. Within 24 hours the Real Madrid centre-back had scored his fifth goal in four games to put his team ahead against Real Valladolid; leading by example, practically dragging his team forward single-handedly at times. So good was he, in fact, that it seemed he must have made a pact with Rubio to name their son after the man of the match from last night's game: The name Sergio Ramos chose for his son was...Sergio Ramos. He missed a trick there by not calling him Val Kilmer.
     Ramos was everywhere, turning up to great effect at either end of the field and everywhere in between. 'Imperious' just about covers his performance. And yet he didn't end up on the winning team. Neither did any of the opposition. In fact, the only team that really won last night wasn't even playing: Barcelona stand to gain most from Madrid failing to take this 90 minutes by the throat.

The lesser-spotted Casillas

     The man from Camas, just outside Seville, led the team like a man possessed without the need to wear the captain's armband. That particular honour fell to the man who hadn't turned out in the league for Madrid in 473 days; Iker Casillas. San Iker's last league game for los Blancos was on January 10 last year, when they beat Valencia 5-0 at the Mestalla. He's still managed 21 games this season thanks to the team's run to the final of both the Champions League and the Copa del Rey, but is only playing the remaining Liga matches in order to stay match-fit ahead of the CL final against Atlético. Still, his record isn't half bad, keeping clean sheets in 14 of those games and only conceding 9 in total. As good as that record was, it now reads 10 conceded in 22 after a headed Valladolid equaliser 5 minutes from time at Estadio Nuevo José Zorrilla.
     The orange Blancos streamed forward right from the off and looked for all the world like they'd steam straight into Valladolid, manager Ancelotti announcing before the game that his side wouldn't sit back or take things easily. However, apart from a storming first 3 minutes, that's exactly what his team did. They laboured in possession, seemingly bereft of ideas after resting several key players for a variety of reasons. The cause was not helped when Cristiano Ronaldo limped off after only 9 minutes holding the left leg he'd shown to Ancelotti in training earlier in the day. CR7 remained in the Madrid dugout in his kit 'til the end of the game, but grew increasingly frustrated at his teammates' inability to take charge of the net. Indeed, next to him Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow jiggled more and more nervously the longer it seemed his side wouldn't find a way through a tight defensive line consisting of 6 Valladolid players at some points.

Papa Ramos celebrates his goal

     Eventually the capital team managed to break the deadlock through an ever-more reliable source - Sergio Ramos senior. The Madrid number 4 took over free kick duties from Ángel Di María after the Argentine had lofted a previous effort tamely into the stands, and curled a pearler of a set piece over the wall and past the despairing dive of Jaime. Ramos ran straight over the the bench to celebrate with Ronaldo, or perhaps to tell him that he'd just made him his free kick bitch. We can only speculate. Nonetheless, my tardiness was punished as I ran out of time before the game to stop into the bookies and place a bet on el Comanche to score first. I really should leave my bloody house earlier when Ramos is on the scoring trail, damnit..
     The goal didn't serve to spur Madrid on, unfortunately, and the longer the game went on, the deeper they sat, leaving Ancelotti's eyebrow to pace up and down the Italian's face with worry. Passing moves starting from a corner would end up all the way back on the halfway line, or even back with Casillas. Yes, I realise it's novel and fun to have San Iker back in the team, but try and win the game rather than sitting on a dodgy one goal lead for an hour! If nothing else, the result shows that teams should stay true to their principles. Madrid were built to attack, and that's what they should've kept doing.
     As Del Boy always said, and was never proved wrong; "He who dares wins". - Only counts if you say it in English though, Tottingham fans, soz. - Real Madrid were too afraid to kill the game off, and were punished for some lax defending from a corner in the 85th minute, Humberto Osorio heading majestically home past Casillas. No amount of match-practice could've helped San Iker save that header, though perhaps some more lessons on defending corners wouldn't go amiss in the capital as two defenders seemed to collide and get in each others' way.

Ancelotti's eyebrow; not amused

     Looking back on the game, Val Kilmer Papa Ramos lamented the fact his team had "settled" for the 1-0 win, and conceded the Liga challenge is now Shirley over. Ancelotti, fluttering eyebrow the only thing giving away any real emotion beneath his steely facade, claimed rather hopefully that "we controlled that game apart from the last 20 minutes. Iker Casillas had barely a save to make, in the end we tried but it proved impossible. I don't think it was down to a lack of attitude; we lacked a bit of mental energy, we conceded a goal from a set-piece and that's what kept us from winning." Xabi Alonso was more realistic, saying his team displayed neither the concentration nor the intensity to close out the game.
     As things stand, Atleti will be crowned champions if they draw their last two games; Barcelona if they win both of theirs. However, the most likely scenario is that Atleti will walk over Málaga this weekend (los Boquerones have been useless and handing out free points to the opposition for weeks now, if not months) then no doubt allow Barcelona the points needed on the final weekend to ensure Real Madrid finish third. Mark my words, the bookies will be offering short odds on this. However, Real only have themselves to blame. They could have overtaken Barcelona if they'd only had the courage of their convictions last night. And a few more Sergio Ramoses. At least there's one more in the world now, even if it may not help them this season.

     Elsewhere, the National Anti-Violence Commission has increased the fine levied against Villarreal for the Alves/banana incident by a whole EUR6,000!!! Yes, you read that right - EUR6,000! That'll learn 'em! To be fair, the Commission also recommended the banana-chucker be banned from entering stadia for a further two years. But I though Villarreal had already revoked his membership and banned him for life? I'm sure this shows they mean business when tackling racism; throw a banana at a player and not only will you be banned for life, your ashes won't be allowed inside any grounds for two years after you're brown bread.
     Down in the Segunda, the expected sale of Real Zaragoza will not be going ahead tomorrow as planned after a judge in the Codesport case ruled that any money brought in by Agapito Iglesias from the deal would be seized.

El derbi canario - #bigtings

     The biggest game in the second tier this weekend is undoubtedly the Canary Islands derby between Las Palmas and Tenerife. The pair have an intense rivalry ranked among the top 50 in the world and Saturday's game should be pretty epic, all the more so as both are in the top 6 and could yet face off again in the promotion playoffs. Juan Carlos Valerón, of Deportivo de La Coruña, Spain and Championship Manager fame who is now back at first club Las Palmas, says he "cannot wait" for the derby and is still pained by his team's 3-0 defeat earlier in the season. That was the 38-year-old's first ever derby against the eternal rivals, as the two teams were in different leagues throughout his first spell with the club. 'El Flaco' has no doubt the Estadio de Gran Canaria will be full to its 31,000 capacity and is looking forward to an insane atmosphere. This may well prove his last chance to be involved in at such a game should one of the teams go up, so he's sure to enjoy it. One player who won't be enjoying the game from the pitch is Tenerife top goal-getter Ayoze, who misses out due to suspension. He will be replaced by either Raúl Cámara or Javi Moyano, both of whom are only just returning from injury. Although los Blanquiazules have lost their last two games on the spin, Cámara says the squad has been feeding off the energy from the fans in the streets all week, and is 'bang up for it'. Or he would if he were English.
     Meanwhile, league leaders Dépor will be without midfielder Juan Carlos Real for Sunday's game against Alavés after he was injured in training by Alberto Lopo. I think the lesson there is must. be. more. careful..

Sergio Ramos  /   Val Kilmer

Week 36 - Second winds and suplexes

     If the top three in La Liga were marathon runners, Week 36 was the point in the race at which they suffered a collective sugar crash and hit the wall.

     None of them has held a massively convincing lead all season long, with all three swapping places periodically. Atlético have been leading for a while now, having won nine in a row since the 2-2 draw with Real, and are in control of pole position as the trio enter the athletics stadium for the final 400m of the marathon. No-one gave the capital's second club even the slightest hope of figuring in the race for first at the start of the season and although it would still represent great work to finish even third, so close to the incomparable riches of Barcelona and Real Madrid, Cholo Simeone would be absolutely sickened to see his team falter now and lose what they've fought so hard for all season. So would every single neutral fan in the world (I did a survey).
     Much to the dismay of neutrals across the galaxy, los Colchoneros dropped 3 massive points on Sunday and were caught up by Barcelona and Real Madrid. However the dream remains alive as their rivals only managed to pull Atleti back by a solitary point after both drew in the 92nd minute, one scoring at that point and the other conceding. This was the first time all season the top three had dropped points on the same weekend; on such margins are leagues won, lost and misplaced. The three results mean Atlético still have the title in their own hands and are favourites with just two games remaining, but it is anyone's guess as to who can blast through the pain barrier in the mad final dash to the finish line and claim the league trophy.

'Tito, always eternal'

     Barcelona were up first out of the top three this weekend, hosting relegation-haunted Getafe at Camp Nou. Los Culés have had to re-evaluate what they consider a walkover this season, and playing the team joint third from bottom no longer counts as such. The club unveiled a massive banner dedicated to Tito Vilanova before kickoff, but the team were unable to honour their former manager in the way they would have wanted. Barça posted their usual numbers with regards to possession and passes but yet again it was the final score that mattered most, the home team conceding in the 92nd minute. Twice they had led, though Messi and Alexis Sánchez, and twice they were pegged back level by the not-normally prolific Ángel Lafita.

Real legend vs Real traitor

     After the game Getafe manager Cosmin Contra stated his belief that his team can stay in the Primera if they continue to play "with such spirit," but despite being unbeaten in three games his team will need others to play worse than them as they are only a point above the relegation zone and have Valencia up next. The subject of much discussion in Catalunya at present is the identity of the next Barcelona manager as the word is that the club will say ta-ta to Tata once this season is finally over. Real Madrid turncoat Luis Enrique appears to be favourite after he was spotted meeting Azulgrana director of football and former teammate Andoni Zubuzarreta at the start of the week, but Celta Vigo are doing their darndest to hold onto him. Other speculation has alleged the team is chasing current Athletic Bilbao coach Ernesto Valverde.

     The result at Camp Nou meant Altético Madrid had the chance to streak ahead of Barcelona on the final corner of the marathon before the home straight and dash Blaugrana hopes in the title challenge, but they too stuttered. Although left-back Filipe Luis scored an unfortunate own-goal after only 7 minutes, the real author of Alteti's downfall was Levante 'keeper Keylor Navas, who had another stupendous game in the face of 23 shots from los Colchoneros (8 on target). The Costa Rican has been in rich form recently and a video emerged of him this week saving tennis balls shot at him at 160km by pro tennis player Pablo Andújar. David Barral doubled Levante's lead midway through the second half following a sweet one-two with Víctor Casadesús, but it had long since been apparent that Atleti wouldn't be able to knock down the wall called Keylor.

No bananas to make a light-hearted
but serious point this time

     After the game Cholo Simeone opined that the loss was "the best thing that could have happened to us", while Levante goalscorer Barral apologised to Atlético fans and defended that his team "wanted to win the match; not fuck the league up for anybody". Despite the league leaders dropping points at the Estadi Ciutat de València, the main talking point after the match was, yet again, racism. Levante midfield crusher Pape Diop heard monkey chants emanating from the away end throughout the game, and eventually did a monkey dance in response. By this time, with his team leading, a few Atleti players close by thought he was doing a victory dance in front of their fans and ran over to remonstrate with him. One of the main peace-makers following the unsightly set-to that developed was Diego Costa - a man usually more comfortable in the role of antagonist - who had spotted what had gone on. The TV cameras also spotted what had gone on, and caught an Atético fan taunting Diop, jumping from side to side with hands under his armpits. It remains to be seen what, if any, action the LFP takes. After the game, Diop explained "they called me a monkey, so I turned and imitated a monkey. I'm tired of racism in football, and there's a lot of it." The midfielder went on to say "I'm not sure if it's racism or a lack of respect, but they've got to stop the monkey chants."

     After Barcelona's last-minute draw and Atleti's defeat, Real Madrid could have put themselves in a much better position ahead of the last two weekends of action but seemingly staggered when trying to overtake their rivals on the outside of that final turn in the title race. Los Blancos had their most difficult remaining match on Sunday night, hosting Valencia at the Bernabéu, and knew that if they won they'd leapfrog Barcelona and be 3 points behind their cross-town rivals with a game in hand.

Haiiiii-yah!!

     After the taxing task of thrashing Bayern Munich in midweek, Ancelotti's eyebrow decided to rest a few players, with the likes of Marcelo, Varane and Illarramendi starting. Valencia took the lead just before half-time through Jeremie Mathieu but Real equalised through Sergio Ramos' third headed goal in a week. Permanently dopey-faced QPR-reject Dani Parejo put the visitors back in front and Brazilian 'keeper extraordinaire Diego Alves managed to keep the white hordes at bay right up to the very end when Di María's cross found Cristiano Ronaldo in the area. The Portuguese span on a sixpence, turned and ninja-kicked the ball into the net. Bruce Lee eat your heart out.

Betis - getting there eventually

     Down at the bottom, already-relegated Betis lost in the 94th minute to nearly-relegated Almería in the seemingly-weekly Andalusian derby. If these two were taking part in the same marathon as the top three they'd both be raising money and coming along just 'for the fun'; Almería dressed in a massive and overly sweaty donkey outfit and Real Betis turning up in a deep-sea diving suit, eventually finishing the course a week after everyone else. This result could prove the energy drink that boosts los Rojiblancos' chances of survival after a completely unmarked Ramon Azeez headed a 94th-minute winner, sparking a mini pitch invasion.
     Above Betis but below Getafe and Almería in the two remaining relegation spots are Osasuna and Real Valladolid. Osasuna look to be on a bit of a downer after being sunk by a Nolito brace at home to Celta Vigo while la Pucela beat Espanyol 1-0 to draw level on 35 points. Granada moved 3 points above the relegation zone with a 1-1 draw at Real Sociedad, secured with a 93rd minute Odion Ighalo strike. Elche kept space between themselves and the drop thanks to a 1-0 win at Málaga courtesy of a Garry Rodrigues goal 11 minutes in. In all seriousness the league should be wrapped up come the weekend as Atlético play Málaga. The boys in blue and white may as well not bother turning up, so absolutely shameful has their form been. They're 5 points clear of the drop but will only be safe thanks to others' screw-ups, rather than through any iota of effort on their own part, manager Berndt Schuster saying he didn't recognise some of the players on the pitch on the weekend. To complete the round-up, Athletic Bilbao secured a Champions League spot for next season thanks to a 3-0 win over Rayo Vallecano allied to a Sevilla 0-0 draw at home to Villarreal.


     The compact nature of the standings in Liga Adelante, as well as the fact that anyone can beat almost anyone else on any given day, mean the lower division resembles not so much a marathon as a royal rumble wrestling match. With less spandex. And less homoerotic undertones. But probably just as much diving.

One happier with the result than t'other

     Current leaders Deportivo de La Coruña are losing form at exactly the wrong time, possibly tiring from being in the centre of the ring for so long. They drew 2-2 away at local rivals CD Lugo after leading 2-0 through first-half goals from Diego Ifrán and Pablo Insua before the home team hit back through a Vincenzo Rennella brace. The Italian's second came 5 minutes from time thanks to a complete brain-fart from the Depor defence; a free kick causing all sorts of problems and ending with 'keeper Germán Lux rushing out just to punch thin air before the ball nestled into the unguarded net.

     Behind Superdépor each of Eibar, Las Palmas and Real Murcia won, heaping increased pressure on the team from the north east with the gap between them now down to 2, 7 and 9 points respectively. Eibar enjoyed their trip to the islands where they defeated Mallorca 2-0, both goals coming from David Mainz in the 75th and 78th minutes. If the first was down to lazy, poor defending as the Mallorca players sat off him in the area, the second was down to...lazy, poor defending; this time 'keeper Rubén Miño not expecting the ball to pop out of a challenge at him before he meekly palmed it into the fortuitous striker's path.

Gómez and pals celebrate

     Las Palmas beat Zaragoza, who local businessman Mariano Casasnovas is supposedly preparing to buy, 2-1 at La Romareda thanks to a Vicente Gómez brace inside the first 11 minutes, the second an absolute peach. Instead of controlling a lofted through-ball from deep, the striker cheekily lofted it over the stranded Leo Franco with his left foot on the volley. A truly stupendous strike. Los Blanquillos pulled a goal back through Paco Montañés on the quarter-hour mark but couldn't force another.

     Murcia were also away, at Hércules. In addition to strengthening their own promotion hopes, los Pimentoneros added to the relegation worries of their hosts, their 3-2 victory leaving the Alicante club rock bottom. Saúl gave the visitors the lead after capitalising on possibly the weakest and most ill-advised backpass in the history of mankind from Hector Font who, to be fair to him, had only just come on. Former Barcelona and Man Citeh youth Gai Assulin equalised just before halftime, but further crass and ponderous defending allowed Murcia to bag all three points in spite of a late de Lucas consolation. Hércules by name, seemingly not by nature.

Celebrating before the equaliser...
tsk tsk

     El Toralín saw some suspect goalkeeping in a six-pointer between Ponferradina and Alavés which was won by the hosts 2-1 and leaves the visitors level with Hércules seated on the trapdoor with 41 points. Things continue to go from bad to worse for Real Madrid Castilla and one can hazard a guess that not many of this current crop will be seen at the Bernabéu anytime soon. In front of a crowd of 3,450 Castilla surrendered a 1-0 lead against Real Jaén to end the game all square; a result which favours neither team in their quests to avoid the drop.

     The result of the day was seen in the Canary Islands, where Girona did themselves a massive favour by suplexing high-flying Tenerife 1-0 with a Jandro penalty on 47 minutes after Javi Moyano was harshly adjudged to have handled in the area.

     Five games left; fifteen points up for grabs; plenty still to play for at both the top and bottom. Llllllet's get ready to rumblllllllllle!

Liga Adelante... a compact, sweaty mess

Champs League - Cibeles & Neptune celebrate

     On Monday, Madrid's city council announced that both the Cibeles and Neptune fountains would be cordoned off ahead of this week's Champions League semifinals in case either or both of Real and Atlético Madrid won through to the final. Some may have thought this slightly presumptuous, others foolhardy, but in the end the gamble paid off. On Tuesday night hundreds of Real Madrid fans congregated, as has become customary in times of celebration, by the Fuente de Cibeles, while on Wednesday they were joined by Atleti fans a short walk away at the Fuente de Neptuno.

     The next real problem for the council will be when the two teams face each other in the final on May 24. Although the match itself is being held some 503km away in Lisbon, the place to be - the only place to be, will be Madrid. An advert for Mahou beer which began airing on Wednesday suggested rather naively that if both teams end up in the final, their fans should all merge happily at the Fuente de Apolo which conveniently sits smack-bang between the two clubs' adopted celebration spots. Not much chance of that happening I'd say. I also imagine the policía won't thank the beer firm for its suggestion.

     Real reached their first Champions League final in 12 years and took one step closer to la Décima - the 10th European Cup which has turned into an obsession within the club - by humiliating Bayern Munich on what proved to be a record-breaking evening. Madrid's 1-0 win in the first leg left the tie finely poised, the players aware that if they kept a clean sheet they would progress. But this team was not made to sit back and defend; Real's 'signature move' is the lightning-fast counter-attack, and the team stayed true to its methods. If they scored one, Bayern would have to score two; if they scored two, Bayern would have to score three; and if they scored three, the Germans would have to beat San Iker an unthinkable four times. In the end, even this feat would not have proved enough to save the Bavarians after a powerful Cristiano Ronaldo free kick at the death made the score 4-0 to los Blancos. At the Allianz Arena. It was Bayern's heaviest ever home defeat in European competition. It was also the worst defeat of Guardiola's career.

Guardiola: "I read in Madrid that
they're already in the CL final"
YOU READ RIGHT

     The week had started with the Munich coach in bullish mood in the press, confident of his team's chances of getting through to the final. He's been in football long enough to know that a 1-0 first leg victory is easily overturned, and will have recalled Bayern crushing Barcelona 7-0 on aggregate at this stage of the competition last year. However by the end of the game on Tuesday the Catalan was being lambasted by fans, who booed his decision to replace the hard-working but ineffective Thomas Müller with rotund Chelsea reject Claudio Pizarro in the 72nd minute. By that point though, the game had long been over as a contest.
     In truth, the referee could have ended the game at half time and the German fans would have been grateful. Real were already three goals to the good and could well have been even further in front. Bayern's tactics seemed to play into Madrid's hands and the Spanish team were 2-0 up before 20 minutes had shown up on the board, both goals coming from the same source - the flat forehead of Sergio Ramos. It seemed the Munich defence had decided that marking the opposition's most potent aerial threat was beneath them and twice the Andalusian stole in unmarked to smash the ball home with that slab above his suspiciously small eyes - the first after 15 minutes from a perfect Modrić corner, the second from an Ángel di María free kick Madrid were fortunate to win just four minutes later. I was left to curse my luck for not finding time to get to BetFred before the game as I fancied Ramos at 25-1 for the first goal. For those that don't know, his odds would have then doubled, leaving me with £50 profit for even a poxy £1 bet. Fiddlesticks.

Karaoke. Madrid-style

     Far more lucky than I was Ramos himself who, quite apart from scoring his side's first two goals, was walking a tightrope with a booking to his name before the match - were he to get carded during the game, the centre-back would miss the final through suspension. If you thought that he'd therefore take things easy and stand off a bit, you'd be dead wrong. And if you thought he'd be hauled off at half-time with his team winning 3-0 and almost certainly through, you'd be wrong again. Sucks to be you, if that's the case. The Seville native was in the frame every single time there were any verbals or handbags between the two sets of players in the first half, leaving Ancelotti's eyebrow squirming in discomfort until it had seen enough and finally hooked the Madrid number 4 in the 74th minute.
     Unfortunately for Real, Xabi Alonso was neither as lucky nor as clever in the challenge as his teammate, and he will now miss the final after receiving a booking for a silly, needless tackle on 37 minutes. The player was absolutely devastated, left lying on the turf and wishing he could turn back time. If it didn't work for Cher, it sure as hell ain't gonna work for you, matey, excellent red beard or not. The midfielder's dismay will not have been helped by CR7, who was still berating him for his idiocy as they lined up in the wall to block the resulting free kick.

CR7 eventually realised he didn't have
enough hands to count to 15

     What made the yellow card even worse was that Real Madrid already had the tie in the bag by that point, Ronaldo breaking the record for the highest amount of goals in a Champions League season with his 15th in the competition just after the half-hour mark. As in the first leg, Madrid countered from within their own box and ended up scoring within a matter of seconds. However, whereas their goal at the Bernabéu took ten touches from end to end, their third on the night at the Allianz Arena took just nine, presumably because they didn't use Pepe's arse at any point this time. Lessons learned and all that. On the halfway line a beautiful ball once more from the hard-working Karim Benzema fed Gareth Bale who scorched towards goal before dumbfounding both Dante and Manuel Neuer with a cute reverse pass to Ronaldo with his wrong foot. The Portuguese made no mistake from just within the area, although Neuer will be angry with himself for allowing the ball to slip under his body.
     Bayern Munich had started to lose their discipline after the second goal and their bad mood just got worse the longer the contest went on, typified by Franck Ribéry slapping Dani Carvajal while the referee wasn't looking. Before the game Guardiola claimed that the Frenchman - like a smaller, pinker version of the Incredible Hulk - is at his best when he's angry. Despite a couple of short runs, the tricky winger resembled a pedestrian Bruce Banner rather than his green alter ego on the night. Conversely, Mario Mandžukić was a thorn in Real's side, albeit not with his footballing ability. The giant Croatian was seemingly tasked with sticking to Pepe and intercepting the Madrid number 3 any time he looked like provoking a riot.

Even Alonso's in there somewhere

     Guardiola appeared to have a bit of a rethink at half time and, deciding that stopping Pepe from inciting violence on the terraces wasn't his overriding priority, took off his striker in order to bring on Javi Martínez. Although a seemingly puzzling move, the substitution actually served to steady the boat for the Bavarian side and made them look far more of a team than the rabble they had started the match as. The Bayern coach conceded after the game that he'd been at fault and would take the blame for his players' poor performance. He need not have rushed to reproach himself though - the German papers were way ahead of him. Be that as it may, Real Madrid looked to be settling for the 3-0 scoreline until the last minute of normal time, when CR7 stepped up and smashed a free kick beneath the wall to record his 16th Champions League goal in just 10 games. It was also his 51st in 50 European games for los Merengues. Real Madrid are also now the team to have scored the most Champions League goals in a single season. So, like I said at the start, record breaking.

Mou's tactics board vs Liverpool

     The only thing broken at Stamford Bridge 24 hours later - apart from the public transport system - was John Terry; the Chelsea captain left sobbing like a lost child in a department store after Liga leaders Atlético Madrid handed a few stern lessons to the repeatedly and loudly self-proclaimed 'Champions of Europe'. José Mourinho has developed a reputation for 'parking the bus,' most recently taking 3 points from Anfield in a game where his tactics seemed to be simply to sit back with 10 men behind the ball and wait for Liverpool to screw up. Boring as hell, but then again he came away with a victory over the league leaders so he won't mind the criticism.
     On Wednesday though, Mou acted out of character and made an attacking substitution early on in the second half, taking off Ashley Cole - who's beard was not a touch on that sported by Arda Turan - and bringing on Samuel Eto'o. Most uncharacteristic. It appeared the Portuguese had blinked first in his staring contest with Cholo Simeone, although to be fair there's not many in the world mad enough to actually get into a staring competition with the perennially black-shirted Argentine. By that point in the game the 1-1 scoreline was weighted in Atleti's favour following the 0-0 stalemate at the Vicente Calderón last week.

     Atlético, resembling Olympiakos more than usual after having to dump their normal Blackburn-inspired blue shorts for red ones due to stupid modern-football stipulations about kit clashes, started with the fit-again Arda Turan but minus both Gabi and Raúl García and consequently struggled to impose themselves on the game in the early stages. The fear among the spectators in the ground was that they were set to watch another insipid 0-0 draw heading inexorably to penalties, and apart from dives from Diego Costa and Chelsea survivalist Ray Mears the only thing to enliven the opening 30 minutes was an audacious bicycle-kick from emotionally stunted man-boy-mop Davy Lewis.

Maybe he'd forgotten how to celebrate?

     The 3,000 travelling fans had kicked up a ruckus for the entire game, absolutely dominating the subservient home crowd, but los Colchoneros were silenced in the 36th minute. The lively and inventive Willian wriggled free from two challenges tight to the corner flag before César Azpilicueta delivered the ball in to former Atleti fan and wunder-kind Fernando Torres who finished with aplomb. And a healthy deflection off a defender. As is currently all the rage, el Niño held up his hands and refused to celebrate scoring against his boyhood club, but the Chelsea players and fans in attendance had no such quandaries and celebrated with great vim. Nonetheless, Atleti's task remained the same as it had at the outset and the team knew one goal would still be enough to see them through to the final.

Olympiakos Atleti players celebrate
in front of the travelling thousands

     That goal duly arrived right on the stroke of half time. The impressive if slightly raggedy-looking Tiago chipped a delicious ball across the box that looked for all the world like it was heading out for a goal kick but was kept in play by Juanfran. The right-back played like a train all evening, and just managed to keep the ball in play by hooking it across the face of goal - it flashed past two Chelsea defenders and arrived at a mildly surprised-looking Adrián. The man from Teverga only has one league goal to his name this season but didn't fail from a few yards out, his shot careering into the floor before bouncing into the back of the net right in front of the Atleti fans, who proceeded to go mental. After the game the man with the wide smile and the number 7 on his back described it as "the most important goal of my career". Advantage Atlético.
     The Chelsea manager's decision to replace Cole with Eto'o at the start of the second half did have an impact on the game, just not the one he would've wanted. Within 10 minutes of coming on, the former Real Madrid and Barcelona player committed a lazy forward's challenge on Diego Costa as the striker controlled a high corner, and referee Nicola Rizzoli duly pointed to the spot. Diego Costa dusted himself off and placed the ball down to take the resulting penalty himself. Then he placed it again. And again. Growing increasingly frustrated at the ball's refusal to either stay still or out of a hole the Brazilian pawed at the turf and eventually drew a yellow card from the ref, who assumed he was playing mind games. Costa eventually placed the ball at the bottom of the hole he'd dug then stepped up and rocketed it into the roof of the net. His unstoppable spot-kick made it 2-1 on the hour mark. Match point Atlético.

A sea of red in the corner of Stamford Bridge

     At this point los Rojiblancos were running the game entirely and impudently passing through and around Chelsea at their leisure. The suffering home fans were even subjected to a chorus of olés from the away end during one particularly attractive period of possession. Ten minutes after Costa's penalty, Atlético put the game to bed and secured passage to their first European Cup final since 1974. A lovely flowing move ended with a peach of a cross being curled into the far post where the late-arriving Arda Turan played a one-two with the crossbar before slotting his side's third goal. Checkmate: Game, set and match Atlético.
     Chelsea weren't terrible but were outclassed by their opponents, albeit with the help of a fortunate first goal to allow them back into the match. Willian played well for the Blues but by far their most dangerous player was the effervescent Eden Hazard, only just back from injury. Conversely, most of the men wearing red and white played out of their skins; Tiago, Arda Turan, Koke and Juanfran to the fore. With a few minutes remaining the home fans roused themselves enough for a chorus in support of their manager in spite of the defeat, but were then outsung by the Atleti fans who responded with "José Mourinho, hijo de puta" belted out with great gusto.

He cries when he wants, he cries when he waaaaants,
brave John Terry, he cries when he wants

     Upon the final whistle the away section went crazy and their players went over to celebrate with them. Luckily the cameras managed to spot John Terry wandering forlornly around the pitch and lingered with the image for a few seconds before cutting to an ad break. I'd like to think whoever was in charge of the coverage overruled the companies who had paid for advertising time and delayed going to the break. Despite the fact they'd reached the first Champions League final in their lives, a few Atleti players took the time to commiserate the Chelsea skipper. You can bet your bottom dollar, euro, peseta or lira that Terry would not have done so had the roles been reversed. The Atleti players showed what class is, there. As for myself, I have no qualms where it comes to this player and will freely admit I laughed my arse off at the images on my screen. As did probably another 89% of the country. Unconfirmed reports have surfaced since the game that Terry has asked his mum to nick him full Real and Atlético Madrid kits from Sports Direct...
     Mourinho was in uncharacteristically charitable mood after the game and congratulated Atlético Madrid on an excellent game, conceding they had deserved to go though. And for once, I actually think he was being sincere. For his part Cholo Simeone congratulated his players' mothers - as his whole squad had been born with "massive balls". The London underground had started running once more before the final whistle blew, but I got the distinct impression the Spanish fans were in no rush to leave Stamford Bridge.

     The two results mean that this year's edition will be the fifth European Cup final to be contested between two sides from the same country. Even more importantly, it will be the first ever decider in which two rivals from the same city will face off. It'll be interesting to see how they work out the fountain situation: The football will be played in Lisbon, but within the football world all eyes will be on Madrid.