Week 4 ran from Friday to Monday, Week 5 ran between Tuesday and Thursday, and Week 6 will begin on Friday and run 'til Sunday. That's ten whole days of league football back to back, muthafuckazz. A whole lot can change when every team plays three times in a week and a half. Two-thirds of the way through this treble-header and some records have gone, while others have been strengthened. Barcelona still haven't conceded a goal - but dropped the league's only 100% record with a goalless draw against Málaga at La Rosaleda - another Atleti victory was secured via a centre-back's forehead and Levante picked up their first win of the season. The biggest turnaround has been at Real Madrid, who entered this frenzied ten day run with Casillas and Ancelotti's eyebrow under pressure following two consecutive demoralising defeats, but have since scored 13 in the last two games.
On the sixth consecutive day of football, Málaga welcomed the imperious Barcelona for an evening game. I say evening but really it was a night game seeing as it kicked off at 10pm local time, which helps explain why there were some 5,000 empty seats for the visit of the Catalan pass-control behemoth. Barça didn't look great and did not even manage to register a single shot on target. In fact they were indebted to 'keeper Claudio Bravo's reactions when he pushed a well-
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| "What's that, little man?" |
struck near-post free
kick from Liverpool misfit and former Barcelona B striker Luis Alberto onto the post. The jitters extended even to Messi, the diminutive Argentine ending up on the floor after being face-grabbed by Boquerones defender Weligton. The Brazilian had taken exception to the shorter man calling him a "son of a bitch," a cuss that carries more weight in Spain than in England. Sticks and stones, and all that. Gerard Piqué and his friends thought the actions deserved a red card, but the former Man Utd. defender instead received a yellow for his protestations, which I'm sure will have cheered him up no end. In actual fact, it would be fair to say Málaga can be more disappointed with the draw than the visitors. Barcelona could have come away with a point fewer than they did but for some admirably honest play from the Málaga forwards. Twice they were clipped inside the box and twice they refused to go down and claim a penalty, instead ploughing on in an attempt to score. Nice corinthian play, that.
The same categorically cannot be said of Ronaldo & Co in their 5-1 defeat of Elche the previous night. On the week he entered the top ten list of all-time Primera División goalscorers, CR7 also committed the second-most cringeworthy dive seen outside of a Barcelona shirt in quite a while.
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| CR7 and Marcelo's pitiful dives |
It was only beaten by Marcelo's painfully embarrassing flop earlier in the same game. Really, they should introduce retrospective punishment to stop these shameful shenanigans. Both players flung themselves to the ground without even the merest suggestion of contact, and both got awarded penalties. These were both taken by CR7 whose two other strikes in the game took his tally for the season to nine goals in just four games. He's scored seven goals in 72 hours. I could quite easily do that too. In fact, watch... ... ... there. I just scored seven in like ten seconds. I suppose Ronaldo was hampered somewhat by the fact he only played 180 minutes over those 72 hours though, and that there were other players about to tackle/pass to/pretend to fall over. He's now scored 187 goals in 169 league games for Madrid. Quite, quite ridiculous numbers, which render his dive in this game even more pathetic. Bale, with his new European hairdo, scored the opener for Real in the 20th minute - the 3,000th Primera División goal scored at the Bernabéu by los Blancos. The Welshman's header, his fourth strike in five games, not only ruffled his new locks but served as the equaliser after Elche had dared take the lead with a penalty by captain Edu Albácar, given against Ronaldo. What can you say, the guy just likes penalties! Iker Casillas sat on the bench watching this one, but afterwards congratulated rival Keylor Navas on his debut. On Friday morning, though, Ancelotti's eyebrow pointed at San Iker when asked which 'keeper would be starting against Villarreal on the weekend.
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Note the #9 on the side, to differentiate
him from all the other masked footballers |
Like CR7, another player on the Pichichi trail is Atlético Madrid centre-back Miranda. The Liga champions are now in third place, two points behind leaders Barcelona, despite struggling for goals from open play. They've scored seven in their five games and Miranda now accounts for three of those after he escaped his marker and nodded home at the near post from a corner on the hour mark. Diego Godín has chipped in with one goal as well this season, meaning the centre-back pairing have gobbled up more than half the goals scored by los Colchoneros. Without Miranda's goals, Atleti would be five points worse off, which would place them in 10th place rather than on the coattails of the Barcelona groove machine. The good news is that Mario Mandzukic is on his way back from the broken nose sustained against Olympiakos in the Champions League - but he'll be wearing one of those fetching masks upon his return.
Sevilla were Barcelona's closest challengers before the Thursday night games, level on points with the Catalans having won four on the spin since their opening day draw with Valencia. A goal from Gerard Deulofeu, on loan from Barça and left completely unmarked in the area to side-foot into the roof of the net, secured a 1-0 win at home to Real Sociedad, whose solitary 3-point haul of the season remains that resounding win against Real Madrid all the way back in Week 2.
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| Not that one... |
Levante managed to haul themselves from the bottom of the table courtesy of a hard-fought 1-0 win away at Granada. Rubén García scored a quite wonderful goal following a mesmerising, jinking run through the opposition midfield and defence. Picture Maradona's goal against England. No not that one - the good one. While it wasn't quite on that level, it was still an excellent run and goal. He finished from further out than el Diego as well. The defeat was the first of the season for the hosts. Levante's win takes them to 16th, leapfrogging Athletic Bilbao who are looking a pale imitation of themselves. Los Leones have looked more like pussycats this season, registering just one win and four defeats. The latest of these came in the capital against Rayo Vallecano despite taking the lead rather fortuitously in the 21st minute; Aritz Aduriz finishing off a move from close range when two previous passes had looked borderline offside. The hosts pulled level following a calamitous mistake from Bilbao 'keeper Gorka Iraizoz, who seemingly opened a hole in his chest to allow a simple-looking low cross to squirm through him, presenting former Rayo youth Léo Baptistão - now on loan from cross-town rivals Atleti - with the simplest of finishes. The Brazilian caused Vallecas to erupt when he clinched a last-minute winner, arriving from deep to power a header straight at Iraizoz that was too hot for the 'keeper to hold onto, leaving the striker with his second tap-in of the day. I'd like to think he paid the Bilbao man at least a fiver for his two assists.
Eibar picked up a point at the tiny but picturesque Ipurua against Villarreal, taking the lead before the game was in double figures after a bit of pinballing around the penalty area, Mikel Arruabarrena scoring his first-ever top flight goal. Denis Cheryshev, on loan from Real Madrid, was at the heart of everything good Villarreal attempted, once dinking the crossbar with a delightful chip in the first half, and in the second producing a driving run from midfield that would've resulted in a penalty had he chosen to go down under contact rather than going back at the defender with a shoulder-barge. Good to see, but I'm sure he'll get coached out of it once he returns to the capital. Nonetheless the equaliser, when it came, had nothing to do with the Russian - Gerard Moreno curling in from the edge of the area, tantalisingly out of the reach of Xabi Irureta.
At a raucous Balaídos, fellow promoted club Deportivo took on Celta Vigo in the first
Derbi Galego in a couple of years. The home team hadn't won a derby game against their rivals in four games stretching back to April 2007, but things started badly for the newly-promoted Dépor when Nolito proceeded unchallenged into the area and placed a shot inside the unguarded near post in just the fourth minute. Deportivo rallied and came back into the match in the second half when Isaac Cuenca, who's summoned some facial hair from somewhere, levelled ten minutes after the break despite the attentions of Hugo Mallo. Parity didn't last though, and new boy Joaquin Larrivey rose highest to smack Nolito's corner home with his face before ripping off his shirt and careering
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| Likes to score - Larrivey |
around the stadium with wild abandon. Do people still say 'with wild abandon'? No? Either way, he looked like he enjoyed that one nearly as much as the fans in the stands. Late drama ensued, however, after Dépor were given a way back into the game with a penalty for handball by Gustavo Cabral right on the cusp of full time. Haris Medunjanin duly swiped his beard at the spot kick and sent it to the 'keepers left, but it was at a nice height and Sergio Álvarez flung himself full-length (he's not that tall for a 'keeper) and raised himself to hero status by parrying the shot away, sending the crowd absolutely chicken oriental. Vigo remain unbeaten this season.
On Thursday night Espanyol kept up their record of scoring in every game as they vanquished Getafe 2-0 at Cornellà-El Prat. Sergio García, who still looks weird without his gypsy ponytail, stole in to open the scoring and accept the plaudits, but the goal was all about the pass from Salva Sevilla - a beautifully chipped half-volley pass over the defence leaving García with just the 'keeper to beat. Christian Stuani later grabbed his second goal in a week to ensure the three points went to the Barcelona team, scoring at the second time of asking through a very accommodating crowd of three defenders and the hapless 'keeper.
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Valencia's
favourite number |
And so to the last game of the week, ending a matter of hours before the first game of the next week was scheduled to begin. Valencia had scored three goals in every game this season apart from the opener against Sevilla - Shirley they couldn't do it again, for the fourth game in a row? Of course they bloody could, fool. Damn your eyes and curse your socks for doubting them. 3-0 for the second game in a row; this time they tonked newly-promoted Córdoba. New scoring sensation Paco Alcácer set los Che on their way in the 22nd minute with a deft header from a lovely cross by Sofiane Feghouli, who absolutely roasted Córdoba left-back José Ángel Crespo. His Valencia counterpart José Gayá had a much better time of it, doubling the score and notching his first professional goal five minutes later with a rasping drive that went straight through the 'keeper like a dangerously undercooked chicken curry from the night before on a hungover Sunday morning. We've all been there. Feghouli then rounded off the scoring with a precise finish from the edge of the box and celebrated by pulling a muscle in his leg. Seems stupid to me but no doubt kids'll soon start copying it. You'll see loads of 'em lying down in playgrounds with one leg in the air after scoring. And FYI - you should stop looking in at childrens' playgrounds like that. People get suspicious.
Valencia now sit smugly atop the Primera División rankings on goal difference from Barcelona and Sevilla; the first time they've been top of the tree since the fourth gameweek of season 2011/12. They're looking good value for it too, three goals and three points at a time.
Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang
A new section I'm introducing for this season is called Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang, as you will have perhaps guessed from the title. Basically, it's a spin on cockney rhyming slang, only using footballers' names. Or sometimes random well-known sportsmen. They have to be reasonably well-known so listeners can work out the meaning from the context, as the speaker leaves out the actual rhyming part. So we'll start with a simple couple as this is the first week;
Demba/Ibrahim (Ba)
description; place in a pub from where drinks are served.
example; "Cor, I'm thirsty. Go on it's your round, get to the Demba ya cheapskate."
Courtney (Pitt)
description; faeces/the act of expelling faeces.
example; "Come on mate, hurry up in there - I'm dying for a Courtney."
