Goals. Lots and lots of lovely goals.

Plush. As. Fuck.

     Ok, ok, I missed the start of the season by a long shot, but I've been busy. I've been doing stuff etc. I even went on a reconnaissance mission (holiday) to Málaga and rocked up at La Rosaleda. Pity it was the day after they'd played. And pity the game had been away at Valencia in any case. But they do sell nice beach towels there - I mean, I didn't buy one but they seemed soft enough. I suppose that's the kind of thing that happens to your club when big money comes in; branded beach towels suddenly become much more important than supporters had previously realised. When I used to live in Málaga I never saw such plush team beach towels on sale. Ah well, progress of a sort I suppose someone will argue.
     So to recap the first few weeks in La Liga very quickly, Barcelona won every week by scoring more goals than the opposition. In fact, they still at time of writing haven't conceded even one. Stingy gits. Ivan Rakitic has of course started like a cat on fire (or something like that, I can't think of a better simile at the moment) and Neymar has managed to pick himself off the floor following his exertions single-handedly dragging his country through the World Cup all those months ago. Messi is Messi of course, but so far has been changing games more through method of assist than goal, though he scored two in the opening day 3-0 victory over Elche. It does rather look like his team are already geared towards Luis Suárez starting up front, with Messi playing more of a support role than previously.

Understated celebration - Arda Turan

     Defending champions Atlético Madrid endured a messy opening day across town at Rayo Vallecano, dropping two points in a scoreless draw, but picked up to narrowly beat Eibar 2-1 before deservedly sweeping aside Real Madrid more convincingly, albeit by the same scoreline. Their main source of goals, now Diego Costa has left for pastures Chelsea, has been set piece deliveries won by one of their impressive defenders. Up front, Mario Mandzukic will need a bit of time to find his feet (not an easy task when you're as tall as he is), but conversely, the team will have to learn an entirely new system of playing to their striker's strengths, which are different from their departed Spaniard/Brazilian.
     European champions Real Madrid started in disarray, and although it seems ridiculous to say mere months after delivering La Décima that the entire club has been craving, Ancelotti and his enthusiastic eyebrow find themselves under pressure already. And he's not the only one. Iker Casillas has been whistled, booed and jeered by sections of his own supporters, and his form seems to have deserted him. Keylor Navas continues to wait in the wings and his shadow only looms larger over San Iker. One gets the feeling that were Casillas to lose his place there might be a very long road back ahead of him, if at all. Before last weekend, Real had conceded the highest number of goals in the Primera División, so although CR7 is leading the Pichichi race as usual, with a barely conceivable nine goals in just four games, his team have dropped as many points as they've gained. A tight 2-0 win over Córdoba was followed by a staggering 4-2 reverse at Real Sociedad - a game in which they'd been cruising and 2-0 up after 11 minutes, only to later implode spectacularly. And all while wearing that haemmorage-inducing pink kit as well. Gawd help us.

Goalscorer Bacca, looking remarkably
like he's playing for Cardiff

     Sevilla are sitting pretty in the Champions League places, their only dropped points coming in the first week against Valencia and even then only due to an 88th minute equaliser from Lucas Orbán on his debut. Carlos 'wacky' Bacca is still hot on the goals trail and continues making defences up and down the country paranoid, as well as lazy and a bit peckish. Los Che, meanwhile, are also hanging onto the tails of leaders Barcelona after scoring three goals in three successive games following the stalemate at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán, new Spain striker Paco Alcácer proving their version of Carlos Bacca.
     Of the promoted clubs, everyone's favourite minnows Eibar are enjoying life in La Liga for the first time and are ensconced in the top half, los Armeros having recorded two wins and two losses so far. Deportivo La Coruña sit in 13th, their only victory so far having come against Eibar, while Córdoba find themselves second from bottom with just 2 points. Levante prop everyone else up following one draw (0-0 at Málaga) out of their opening four games, with no goals scored.

Gameweek 4

Lots and LOTS of these over the weekend

     If you were bored on the weekend and looking for goals, La Liga was the place to find 'em. A total of 42 of the little blighters were counted across the ten games, at an average (I'd like to showcase my astounding powers of mathematics here) of 4.2 per game. There were no 0-0s whatsoever - the closest we came to one was Granada beating Athletic Bilbao at the new San Mamés 1-0 through the gleefully misspelt Jhon Córdoba. Some games were close (Atleti 2-2 Celta de Vigo, with two goals for the big men from the back for the reigning champions), and some were not so close (Córdoba 1-3 Sevilla). There were mad comebacks from behind (Villarreal 4-2 Rayo, with el Submarino Amarillo coming back from 2-0 down inside the opening half hour) and some last minute drama (Espanyol 2-2 Málaga, with Espanyol retaking the lead in the 88th minute through Christian Stuani before los Boquerones levelled through a 93rd minute Duda freekick).

Yaaay, goals! We likes goals!

     Barcelona kept yet another clean sheet and achieved a manolito at the other end, beating Levante 5-0 with goals from Neymar, Rakitic, youngster Sandro Ramírez, former youngster Pedro and of course Messi, although the Flea untypically missed a penalty earlier in the game. For their part, Real Madrid looked to put to bed a lot of the disaffection that had been creeping into the fanbase with an 8-2 mauling of Dépor at the Riazor. CR7 helped himself to a hattrick while Bale and late substitute Chicharito grabbed a brace each and James Rodríguez rounded off the scorers. Dangerously-bearded Haris Medunjanin and Toché grabbed the consolation goals for not-so-Superdépor, who were nonetheless raucously supported by their fans. Fair play to 'em.

     In the rest of the games, Almería won 2-1 at Sociedad, new boys Eibar beat Elche 2-0 and Valencia continued scoring in threes, defeating Getafe 3-0.

     Due to the wholly random way the Spanish football authorities run the game over there, Gameweek 4 ran pretty much into Gameweek 5, which is already half-way through, and will in turn run straight into Gameweek 6, so not much of a let-off for me after a few weeks being out of practice. I don't get paid well enough for this. I could tell you that Celta beat Deportivo 2-1 in the Galician derby to move up to 5th in the table after small goalkeeper Sergio saved an 88th minute penalty from Medunjanin, or that Cristiano Ronaldo is now quite ridiculously the tenth-highest goalscorer in Primera history after he scored four in Real's 5-1 victory at home to Elche, or that Bale took second place in the Pichichi competition with his fourth of the season, or even that Keylor Navas finally displaced Iker Casillas between the sticks. But I shan't, 'cos that'd be cheating - I'm only talking about Gameweek 4 here. Gameweeks 5 and 6 next time, have some patience for Chrissakes! Normal service to resume as of next week, scout's honour.

Im going, and I'm taking my ball with me