WC 2014 - Spain obliterated by rampant Dutch

     Wow. Just wow. That was pretty bloody emphatic in the end.
     Spain, widely recognised as one of - if not the very - best teams in the history of international football, came to Brazil to defend its shiniest trinket, the World Cup won so imperiously in South Africa four years ago against their opponents here. They came with much the same squad while the Netherlands undertook a complete overhaul of theirs after betraying their principles in that bad-tempered final. After this absolute demolition job questions will no doubt be raised about some of the legends in the team that played in white on Friday evening.

The guilty parties

     The core of the Spain squad has remained pretty unchanged since it bagged the first in its three-in-a-row trophy haul in 2008 - 12 of that squad are still in the group now including 7 who started in the final against Germany. There were accusations even before this mauling that perhaps the players were becoming a bit leggy as time continues to march on for them, as it must for us all. Coach Vicente del Bosque defended them, saying they were seasoned rather than veteran, but some of the performances at the Arena Fonte Nova said otherwise. Although it is far too early to discount this team, there were worrying signs all over the pitch for the world champions. The first of which was when they marched out to reveal an all-white strip. I wouldn't mind, but the Netherlands were also in their 'away' kit. So what the hell was all that about? I know it's not important, especially bearing in mind the result, but it still irks me. Anyway, back to the actual football.
     Most of the world is envious of the strength in depth of the national pool available to the Spanish team, and yet they took the plane to Brazil with seven players (six now since Cesc signed for Chelsea) from a Barcelona team that won nothing whatsoever for the first time in six years, and only three from the exhilarating Atlético Madrid team that won the league and lost in the Champions League final. Of those three, only one got a run-out on the pitch, and he was a Brazilian in Spaniards clothing who played poorly, albeit in only his third cap for his adopted country.
     Diego Costa has taken a lot of flak already for his performance, both on social media and in the Spanish papers, and while I thought he was terrible on Friday, in mitigation it must be said that he plays a totally different system with Atleti, for whom he has performed superbly since taking over

Costa makes sure he goes down

from Falcao as the focal point of the team's attacks. For me, it was perhaps too soon to chuck him in the starting line-up, given that he'd played just two games with Spain before the tournament and has only just recovered from injury. He was full of running against the Dutch and opened up spaces for another striker to run into - the problem being that there was no other striker. He plays a different game to the rest of this tiki-taka team, and in the first half the midfield elves behind him kept uncharacteristically pinging long balls up-field for him to chase, against their better judgement - and against their preferred style of play. This was not some sort of tiki-taka evolution, it was pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-LONGBALL!! And it just didn't work. Not in the slightest.
     Costa was barracked by his fellow Brazilians in the crowd all game whenever he received possession, quite rightly, and frankly looked far better without the ball than with it. When he did

Stay classy, Diego

have the ball at feet he either fell over it or spanked wild shots metres wide of the target. Really, he was more of a danger to the fans in the stands than the Dutch goal. At times he looked like someone teleported in from another sport entirely, so absent was his mastery of the round white thing that's so central to this game. However, one thing Costa does know about top-flight football is how to play the darker side to his advantage. After 25 minutes a good ball from one of his mini-minions released the striker into the box. His first touch was slightly heavy but as he turned back onto his right foot the covering Stefan de Vrij slid in and missed the ball. Penalty. It looked for all the world that the defender may have caught Costa's foot but replays suggested the man from Lagarto, rather than stepping over the challenge, made sure to plant his trailing foot where it would be taken from under him. And besides, anyone who's seen Costa play knows he doesn't need to be touched or have someone from Japan reffing the game in order to hit the turf. Although he went the right way, Jasper Cillessen couldn't keep out Xabi Alonso's penalty.
     Costa showed more of his dark side in the second half and should have been sent off for being a dick. For apparently no reason whatsoever he pushed his head into Martins Indi when the ball was out of play. The Dutch defender should also have been booked for being an absolute tart, taking two seconds to decide he'd go down clutching his face in apparent agony. Good thing I'm not a ref - both teams would end up down to 9 men regularly.

The turning point of the match

     By that time, however, the tide had turned considerably and Spain were 2-1 down. The turning point in the match came just before half time. Spain had been good value for their lead in the first half without creating too many chances, although they'd invited danger by playing a suicidally high line against the pace of Batman and Robben. Iniesta played an absolutely exquisite reverse-pass to put David Silva clean through on goal, but the Manchester City wing-sprite elected to arrogantly try and chip the 'keeper rather than passing it round him into the net. Cillessen, winning only his ninth cap, stood up well right 'til the very end and managed to flick Silva's lob wide for a corner.

The newly-invented header-lob

     Within a minute of that spurned chance the Oranje were level. A visionary long pass from the impressive Daley Blind found Robin van Persie running into miles and miles of green grass by himself with nary a defender in sight. As the ball dropped out of the stifling evening air towards him, van Persie looked up and saw Iker Casillas stuttering off his line. Arching his back while in mid-air, the now-flying Dutchman flicked the ball over the stranded 'keeper and brought his team level. That was the kind of predatory instinct you cannot possibly teach, although Spain had been asking to be opened up in this kind of fashion all game by playing such an arrogantly high line.
     Spain were as shellshocked as the Dutch were jubilant and went in at the break with much to ponder. Within 10 minutes of the restart, though, the Netherlands took the lead in a similar manner to their equaliser. Another beautiful ball from Blind fell to Robben in the area with Piqué miles from him. Now, as good as Robben undoubtedly is, he can barely even stand on his right foot and certainly doesn't use it for footballings. Piqué obviously didn't get that memo as his powerderpuff challenge allowed the follically-challenged Dutchman to turn back onto his favoured left and smash the ball past the despairing dive of Ramos to earn some redemption for his well-documented miss in the final four years ago. 2-1 to Holland and they were looking dominant. On the hour mark they could have extended their lead further, van Persie smashing a shot off the face of the crossbar with the flying Casillas at full stretch but beaten.

Ouch

     A couple of minutes later del Bosque elected to make a double change, with one sub being more surprising than the other. Off came Costa to a final chorus of boos from the Brazilians in the crowd (and some Spaniards, no doubt), being replaced by Torres, who apparently used to score goals many moons ago. If that change was obvious, the next was far more perplexing, with the Spanish manager deciding to take off Xabi Alonso and replace him with Pedro. Del Bosque could see the tide had swung in the Netherlands' favour, but rather than shoring up his midfield he uncharacteristically elected to open it accommodatingly wide. Usually he is a more patient man than shown here. To my mind, if any of the central midfielders had to be taken off, it should have either been human stain 'Hyacinth' Busquets or the dwindling Xavi. Alonso has a far greater passing range than either and could have picked out Pedro's runs all day long. He's also more defensively sound than the Barcelona man. As it was, the decision pretty much gave the Dutch the freedom to roam at will through the diminished centre of the Spanish side, which they proceeded to do with alarming regularity.
     Two minutes after the subs, the men in dark blue were 3-1 to the good. The standard of refereeing in this tournament has ranged from the derisory - Wilmer Roldán and his linesman in the Mexico-Cameroon game - to the downright scandalous/disgraceful/corrupt - Yuichi Nishimura, the world's looking at you. I will say that Italian ref Nicola Rizzoli was better than both of these jokers, but kept getting fooled by execrable rat-cheat Busquets' disgusting diving antics and could have sent off Costa a) for being a dick b) for not playing for his real country and c) for pushing his head into another player. Nonetheless, what the blue hell he gave the Dutch a freekick for on 64 minutes is beyond me. Piqué couldn't believe it either but the dead ball was duly dispatched into the box and Stefan de Vrij converted after Casillas had come out and been impeded by van Persie. The Real Madrid number two was booked for his protestations after the goal, but replays showed he probably wouldn't have reached the ball regardless. All in all a bad day at the office for Iker who afterwards admitted it had been "the worst performance of my career".

That's when you want the ground
to swallow you up

     The Spanish briefly rallied and Silva did manage to put the ball in the net three minutes later, but was correctly called offside. This was the first decision any referee had managed to get right all tournament long, including kick-off times and even putting the right shoe on the right foot. A few minutes later, however, it appeared legendary 'keeper Casillas was the one who'd put his boots on the wrong feet. An innocuous back-pass, the touch of a rapist, the ball presented to van Persie and suddenly it's a scarcely believable 4-1. Amateurish stuff from Casillas, a man with 155 caps and the world record for the most international clean sheets, but who has only played for his team in the league twice all season.
     By this point the entire collective will of the Spain team was solely concentrated on speeding up the clock and bringing the final whistle, but the rampant Dutch weren't finished, not just yet. From defence to attack in a couple of touches - in the best Real Madrid traditions - Wesley Sneijder, who'd been foiled by Casillas with the score at 0-0 in the first half, released an absolute peach of a pass to Arjen Robben. Few players in the world have much of a chance with the Chelsea reject in a straight footrace, and Sergio Ramos isn't one of them. To be fair he should've known this and slid in

Fuck off Robben, we can count

to divert the ball wide before Robben took his first touch of it, but he passed up the opportunity and was never going to catch him after that. Casillas, presumably pinching himself to check this wasn't all some weird horrible acidy nightmare, was caught in two minds whether to come out or retreat to his line and did neither. Robben proceeded to sit him on his arse - twice - presumably enjoying some pay-back for Johannesburg, before blasting in the fifth goal. 5-1 against the world champions. I did wonder what odds you'd get on that, and it turns out it was 999-1. Someone actually bet on it. And I bet they'll be kicking themselves for not putting an extra quid on it an' all. 'Tis the way of such things.
     There was still time for Casillas to make two brilliant saves which won't be remembered in the aftermath of this game; the second from Robben after a lazy, fed-up clearance from Azpilicueta, and then for Torres to miss an open goal. Poor Álvaro Negredo must be sitting at home laughing ruefully at what he saw on Friday. Missing the final cut for the second consecutive competition, he's just had a major hand helping Man City to the title in the Premier League, and yet he was overlooked for a man who's 32 and has pitched up at a non-existent American team and consequently been banished to the comparative backwaters of Australia, a man who couldn't score in a Newcastle nightclub at 3 in the morning and a Brazilian who isn't even slightly Spanish (but admittedly has had a great season). I suppose the hundreds of grands a week he's on will soften the blow, but still.

If this were Redknapp, he'd be telling
them all how 'triffic' they've been

     As the final whistle went, the cameras cut to del Bosque walking down the line of despondent players on the bench, tapping each one on the head and murmuring some words to each of them. Spain had just suffered the third worst defeat in their entire history. A few of those left to kick their heels in the dugout can legitimately wonder whether they've a chance of getting out on the pitch for the must-win game against Chile, but I feel the manager will not alter the team much. Iniesta is assured of a place, as is Xabi Alonso. Silva put in a decent shift even if he did pass up the opportunity to put Spain 2-0 up. Despite disappearing for vast tracts of the game Xavi will almost definitely start as he is the metronome that keeps them ticking on a good day. Even apart from his outlandish little-girl falling-over antics (with apologies to little girls everywhere for the comparison) Busquets was shocking, but then again I often think that and am constantly told how wrong I am on that score, so what do I know? As poor as Piqué was, often not even in the same postcode as the striker he was supposed to be marking and continually declining the opportunity to tackle, he'll probably still line up alongside Ramos - who was more headless chicken than defender - simply because the back-up options aren't very attractive. Jordi Alba had a quiet game but is another sure starter, but I feel Azpilicueta may be replaced by Juanfran. Still can't see why Dani Carvajal was overlooked though. Up front, Costa shouldn't be allowed to play for Spain in the first

'Dejected' doesn't quite cover it

place, but even apart from that he's on a different wavelength to the rest of the team - perhaps because he's from a different country - and looked like a donkey here. Possibly as big a question mark has been raised over Iker Casillas. For my money I don't think del Bosque can or will drop him. For one thing, he's the captain, and for another it'd shake the basis of the team too much, just like Rob Green being outcast after his howler against the USA four years ago. Yes, he let in five and yes he was 100% at fault for one and could have done better with some of the others, but if his head hasn't gone after this debacle he will still line up as captain on Wednesday.
     There's absolutely no doubt about it - Spain were completely deconstructed by the Dutch - the question is, can del Bosque put them back together again before the next match?

Think these guys may have
felt a bit silly after the result

Player-by-player guide to the WC 2014 Spain squad

Yes, yes, the time is finally here. The World Cup kicks off on Thursday and they should hopefully have put out the last of the protest fires and got all the stadia mostly finished by then. To celebrate futebol coming home, then, here is a player-by-player guide to the Spain squad hoping to defend their crown and extend their historic streak:

Squad #        Name                  d.o.b.                 Club side             #caps   #goals                                        
     1          Iker Casillas       20/05/1981       Real Madrid            154       -

     San Iker has collected more international caps than the rest of the world put together since making his debut as a foetus in 2000. He won his third Champions League with Real Madrid this season despite binman Diego López being preferred by manager Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow in La Liga. Despite an unbelievable number of international records under his belt already, Casillas may have to move on if he wants first team football next season. Has been Spain captain since 2008 and led the side to two European Championship victories and that World Cup trophy last time out in South Africa. Quite simply one of the best goalkeepers of all time.

interesting* fact: Iker Casillas has more caps than three entire other teams at the World Cup.
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    12        David de Gea     07/11/1990   Manchester United       1       -

     Although the 2013/14 season was an annus horribilis (make sure to spell that right) for Manchester United, de Gea has continued to improve in the self-styled BESTEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD EVERR. No longer the pasty, string bean-vampire from when he first came to these shores, the young 'keeper seems to finally have gotten over his phobia of crosses. No doubt he will be a very good goalkeeper for Spain one day, but not before Casillas hangs up his gloves (or whatever 'keepers do when they retire) in 20 years or so.

interesting* fact: de Gea was once fined at Man Utd for keeping a vocal score during a particularly one-sided youth team match he was watching. "FOUR goals ah, ah, ah! FIVE goals ah, ah, ah! SIX..." etc etc
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    23         Pepe Reina       31/08/1982              Napoli                   31       -

     Pretty much in the squad as a mascot/official cheerleader. Usually acknowledged as the joker of the group, 'The Pepe Show' has become a fixture of any Spanish victory celebrations. This sees him get slightly bevvied up before introducing the players one by one, in his own inimitable fashion.

interesting* fact: Stanley Tucci is entirely a construct of Pepe Reina's twisted mind.
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     2           Raúl Albiol        04/09/1985              Napoli                   46       -

     Albiol forms part of the Spanish 'B' team that Rafa Benítez is dastardly putting together on the quiet at Napoli, possibly with a view to attacking the Spanish mainland from his Mediterranean base. The swarthy defender has shown himself able to grow a fine beard on occasion, but is not believed to be unleashing its full force upon an unsuspecting global audience in Brazil. Despite a chronic lack of pace, he helped gli Azzurri to victory in the Coppa Italia as well as a third-place finish in Serie A.


interesting* fact: Albiol also has one World Cup and two European Championship winners medals. No-one quite knows how or why.
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     3         Gerard Piqué      02/02/1987          Barcelona               60       4

     When not galavanting about with girlfriend Shakira, Piqué sometimes plays a bit of football for Barcelona. He acquired the improbable nickname Piquenbauer as a younger footballer but his previous aura of calmness seems to have been shattered over the past couple of seasons. Then again who wouldn't be put off by having to play with Javier Mascherano as a centre-back partner. Forms a solid partnership with Ramos on the international scene.

interesting* fact: While Shakira's hips don't lie, Piqué's knees do, hence why he wears his socks so high.
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     5             Juanfran          09/01/1985       Atlético Madrid        7      -

     Juanfran was one of the stand-out performers for Atlético Madrid in the best season the club's fans have ever seen, winning La Liga and only losing at the very last hurdle against cross-town enemies Real in the Champions League final. I'm going to stick my neck out and presume he'll be starting at right back for La Furia Roja, mainly because his name's easier for commentators to pronounce than Azpilicueta. Not really - that's no way to decide a starting XI. Otherwise no Ukrainians would ever get to play.


interesting* fact: If he'd been born a girl, Juanfran would have been called Franjuan.
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    15        Sergio Ramos    30/03/1986        Real Madrid          116     9

     Although he's gained a reputation as a dirty player, Ramos has really stepped forward for Real Madrid this season and has become a real team leader. This is best exemplified by the number of vital goals he's come up with this season - his late, late equalising goal to take the Champions League final to extra time was voted the Real Madrid goal of the season. Not as thuggish as his red cards record suggests, Ramos exemplifies a 'win-at-all-costs' mentality. He's also guaranteed to try another Panenka if any Spain games end up going to penalties.

interesting* fact: Ramos holds the record for the highest number of red cards in the history of Real Madrid, with 703.
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    18          Jordi Alba         21/03/1989          Barcelona              26       5

     The small left-back's style of play is integral to the way Spain like to play - flying down the left wing at any given opportunity, Alba constantly offers the overlap to his midfield munchkins. He's often seen as the furthest-forward Spanish player, which can sometimes take cameramen and even his own teammates by surprise. Consequently he's got a great goalscoring record for his position at international level.



interesting* fact: Although not an angry man by nature, he doesn't like you. Yes, you.
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    22    César Azpilicueta  28/08/1989            Chelsea                   6       -

     Bought from Marseille a couple of seasons back, Azpilicueta now operates as Chelsea left-back/right-back. Rumours that he's taken to shooting work experience kids with air rifles are, at time of writing, unconfirmed. Should be an interesting battle between Azpilicueta and a few others to be the regular Spain right-back over the coming years. Dani Carvajal was unlucky to miss the final squad cut in the end, and could provide good competition over the coming seasons along with Juanfran.


interesting* fact: His nickname at Chelsea is 'Dave', but only because John Terry can't spell his actual name. To be fair, John Terry can't spell full-stop, so it's not all that surprising.
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     4        Javi Martínez       02/09/1988      Bayern Munich         17     -

     Another successful season in Germany ended with Bayern Munich winning a second consecutive Bundesliga trophy. Martínez continued to alternate games between centre-mid, centre-back and the bench. A big bruising player, he sticks out like a sore thumb among all the diminutive Spanish passing gnomes around him when he does play for la Roja. Mostly he's a back-up player. Or back-up back-up due to his versatility.


interesting* fact: His forefathers were vikings who came from the north by way of Aberdeen, then Hull, before finally settling down in the north of Spain. They were aiming for Amsterdam but overshot.
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     6       Andrés Iniesta      11/05/1984          Barcelona               96    12

     Iniesta is the scorer of the most important goal in Spanish footballing history and still gets a positive reception from opposition fans when Barça play away games. He's deceptively good on the ball with a low centre of gravity and seems to float past defenders like the ghost he resembles. Links up well with fellow Barcelona man Xavi, but tends to play wider on the left internationally. By all accounts, a thoroughly nice bloke. Just needs to get out in the sun a bit more. Not too hard in Spain, you'd think.


interesting* fact: Iniesta is actually a Thunderbird. Once you know the strings are there you'll be able to spot them easily.
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     8                 Xavi               25/01/1980          Barcelona             132   13

     Quite simply a midfield metronome. He's not a fast player, doesn't shoot too often and is no better a dribbler than your average player - how did this guy make it as a footballer?! Quite simply the best in the world at passing to a teammate 5m away. Xavi was pivotal to the creation of the highly-successful but often eye-meltingly boring art of tiki-taka. Usually to be found in the centre circle directing the entire game despite looking half asleep.

interesting* fact: Xavi will always be able to spot if Sergio Ramos is about to miss a penalty before anyone else does.
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    10       Cesc Fàbregas   04/05/1987      Barcelona           89   13

     The former Arsenal, current Barcelona and possibly future Chelsea player is nominally a midfielder, but is more usually spotted for Spain deployed in the 'false nine' role. If it's two things this Spain team will be remembered for (apart from being the greatest of all time) it'll be the phrases tiki-taka and false bloody nine. Though his club are currently hawking him around Europe for EUR30m, for a makeshift striker/midfielder (strikefielder?) Cesc doesn't boast too many goals.

interesting* fact: Barcelona are only trying so hard to sell Cesc back to Arsenal so that they can then buy him back in another couple of years. They intend to do this at least two more times.
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   13        Juan Mata      28/04/1988   Manchester United     32      9

     Yet another tricksy, fun-sized Spanish midfielder. Despite the disadvantage of having a big ol' square head, Mata is actually very nippy. A good eye for a pass as well means it'll be interesting to see the battle between him, Rooney and Kagawa for the #10 role at Manchester United next season. Despite his attributes and undoubted quality, Mata's still not a starter for Spain.





interesting* fact: Mata's head is actually a giant Lego brick.
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    14        Xabi Alonso       25/11/1981         Real Madrid         110    15

     Like Xavi, another player integral to keeping possession of the ball in the Spanish midfield. However, Xabi Alonso boasts a far greater range of passing than the Barcelona man, albeit with not as high a completion rate. Also likes the occasional speculative strike from 3 miles away from goal, just for shits and giggles. Showed class by not doing a John Terry at the Champions League final.



interesting* fact: It's not true that Xabi Alonso has brown hair but a red beard. He dyes them both, so in actual fact he was born with red hair and a brown beard.
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    16    Sergio Busquets  16/07/1988           Barcelona                65       -

     I'll be straight-up honest here; I don't like Busquets as a human being out there on the pitch and genuinely think he's overrated as a player. And he looks like a rat. And he is a rat. But then again he's a mainstay in the Spanish team and has been for years so maybe I just missed a memo or something. But he's still a rat. If you Google his name, the first suggested result that pops up is 'Sergio Busquets dive'. Says it all really.

interesting* fact: Sergio Busquets' nickname is Hyacinth.
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    17              Koke              08/01/1992       Atlético Madrid           8        -

     The new kid on the block of an extremely settled Spain squad, Koke is another one that enjoyed a fantastic 2013/14 with Atlético Madrid. A good spotter of a pass, his game has continued to improve and he ended the season with a highly-impressive 14 assists. Made the final cut for the World Cup squad thanks to injuries to Jesús Navas and Thiago Alcântara.




interesting* fact: Koke used to be a bit of a fatty. Since slimming down, he has been awarded the nickname 'Diet'.
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  20       Santi Cazorla      13/12/1984            Arsenal             63      10

     Quite possibly the smallest man in the world, Santi Cazorla has continued to grow as a footballer if not as a human man. A world-class dribbler, it defies belief how genuinely two-footed he is - he can strike the ball or spank a long-range pass equally as well with either foot. Still not good enough for a starting berth for his country though, for all that. Also boasts good straight-line speed thanks to the aerodynamics of his large hooter - Cazorla's face is essentially just a nose with eyes on the side instead of nostrils.

interesting* fact: Born to a poor family, Cazorla used to have to sleep in a cigarette packet until the age of 13, which stunted his growth somewhat.
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  21        David Silva         08/01/1986    Manchester City    80      20

     Like Cazorla but plays for a more successful club. Instead of an Easter Island nose, though, David Silva has a beauty spot like that Cindy Crawford. What isn't widely known is that it's removable and the midfield maestro sometimes wears it on the other side of his face. Other times he decides to forgo it completely. Such is the life of the fashion-conscious footballer. And a ruddy good footballer he is too. After another solid season controlling Man City's attacking play he could start on the right wing for Spain, cutting in onto his left foot.

interesting* fact: At an end-of-season beano once, Silva was disciplined after sticking his removable beauty spot to the middle of his forehead and making a racially insensitive joke.
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   7          David Villa       03/12/1981       Melbourne City        96     58

     The third of four players in the Atlético Madrid contingent, David Villa scored 13 goals in 36 Liga games this season, playing a large part in securing the historic championship. After the celebrations died down, he became the first (and so far only!) player to sign for New York City. However, seeing as they don't exist as a footballing entity until 2015, he was immediately loaned out to Melbourne City instead. Like all ageing footballers since time immemorial going across the pond for a final payday, Villa's heading there in order to 'build the sport' in America.


interesting* fact: In English, David Villa's name means David Villa.
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    9      Fernando Torres  20/03/1984            Chelsea              107     37

     You'd think that 30 would be an age by which people would've stopped calling you 'The Kid', especially if you had a voice as sonorously deep as Torres', but apparently not. Refound his scoring boots for Chelsea sporadically this season, but that work experience lad keeps hiding them again. Used to be the main man up top for club and country, but has slipped down the pecking order somewhat. Frankly, I'm surprised he's been picked ahead of Álvaro Negredo. The unfortunate City striker misses out at the very last moment for the second tournament in succession.

interesting* fact: The real reason Ashley Cole shot that kid was 'cos he kept playing silly beggars with Nando's boots. Cashley was just trying to help a mate and ended up getting vilified for it. Torres didn't even stand up for him and explain.
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    11             Pedro            28/06/1987          Barcelona              40      14

     As a younger player he went by the name Pedrito. Unlike Torres, however, he eventually realised when the time was right to move on, and dropped the diminutive. He's absolutely lightning-quick across the ground but doesn't exude skills. Then again it must be hard to do stepovers (that's 'lollipops', to Big Ron Atkinson fans) while your legs are whirling around like a Mexican cartoon mouse.



interesting* fact: Pedro has been clocked doing the 100m in 3.82secs. He was consequently fined as he was in a 30mph zone at the time.
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    19         Diego Costa      07/10/1988      Atlético Madrid           2       -

     Costa apparently chose to represent Spain because Big Phil Scolari didn't phone him up personally, even though the World Cup being held in the country of his birth should be incentive enough. It's not quite Yaya Touré levels of sheer idiocy, but not far off. I can foresee an uncomfortable reception for the big man, especially if the two countries end up facing off in the second round. After slathering horse placenta over his leg, Costa reckons he's now over his injury and raring to go.



interesting* fact: Costa is Spanish. A 100% bona fide Iberian bull.
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The main problem I can see with this Spain team is that they're going to look stupid wearing all red rather than their iconic dark blue shorts, thanks to Adidas screwing up following FIFA's pointless and daft explanation on kit regulations. Most positions are already taken in the Spain starting XI with only a couple in doubt. Truthfully, this is a very settled side apart from at right-back and up front. I reckon Torres may start the first game on Friday but after that Costa will make his World Cup bow, being given a little more time to recover from his hamstring injury. Meanwhile, I expect César Azpilicueta to start at right-back, no matter the difficulties it may cause some pundits;

                                                                          Casillas (c)

                                   Azpilicueta           Ramos             Piqué          Jordi Alba

                                                            Xabi Alonso     Busquets
                                                                               Xavi

                                             Silva                                                      Iniesta
                                                                              Costa






*neither fact nor interesting, quite possibly made-up

Eibar - the champions who could go down

     SD Eibar are guaranteed a top-two place in the Segunda División. The fans should be looking forward to welcoming Real Madrid and Barcelona to their tiny Ipurua stadium up in the Basque mountains next year but could instead find themselves turning out to watch Real Unión and Barakaldo. Instead of ascending to La Liga, the club could be demoted to playing next season in Segunda B. That's a difference of two whole divisions between where they deserve to be and where they may end up. As with most screwed-up things in Spanish football, it is entirely the governing body's fault due to its short-sightedness and lack of forethought.
     Eibar has always been a small club. Situated up in the Gipuzkoa area of the Basque Country, the city is home to just over 27,000 people. The team plays in the 5,250-capacity Estadio Municipal de Ipurua and usually struggles to even half-fill that meagre allocation. In its 74-year history, Eibar has split the majority of its time between the Segunda and Tercera Divisiones; 26 years in the former, 28 in the latter and just 7 in between in Segunda B. Although they boast a strong Basque identity, the team's kit is rather more Catalan in flavour. Back in 1944 the team found itself short of a kit to play in and so the regional federation loaned it a full Barcelona one, and the colours have since stuck. The Catalan giants helped out again last week, agreeing to sell the unused blaugrana confetti from the last-day disappointment against Atlético Madrid at a massive discount to money-light Eibar. Apparently, if it's not used within a certain timeframe it turns lumpy. That would've been some way for Barça to celebrate any potential achievement next season - purpley-red mashed potato cascading down on the massed Culés. Bleurgh. Thinking about it, I'm sure Mono Burgos would have been able to find it a good home, if push came to shove.

Given a guard of honour by the Lugo players

     Eibar beat Lugo 1-0 at home last weekend with an early goal from loan-star Jota, and if they beat Numancia on Sunday they will secure first place, ahead of also-promoted Deportivo La Coruna (although they did lose 2-1 at home to los Numantinos on matchday 21). Depor travel to Girona the previous evening and may face a trickier test as the opposition are currently in 19th and fighting for their lives in order to avoid the relegation zone, while Numancia are safe from bothering either the top or bottom of the table, in 12th. By rights, the mountaintop city of Eibar should be preparing for a party already. And yet, although fans and players have already been celebrating with their cut-price confetti and bagpiping aplenty, there has been a slight edge to the festivities, an underlying worry...
     Eibar are something of an anomaly in Spain - they are one of the very few clubs in the top two divisions not to have any debt. The club operates completely in the black within its budget of EUR3.5m, the smallest in the Segunda. It pays its players on time, and in full. And yet, all these things are behind the reason little Eibar may be prevented from lining against the Ronaldos and Messis of the Primera División for the very first time in its history next season.
     Back in 1999, Spain decided it would finally take a stand against football clubs continually spending way beyond their means, without any punishment whatsoever, in order to get to and then stay in the Primera División. To this end, Real Decreto 1251/1999 was born. This states that every team in the top two professional divisions has to have a capital equal to 25% of the average expenses of all teams in the same league as them, not including the two with the largest and the two with the smallest outgoings. In addition, all clubs except for Real Madrid, Barcelona, Athletic Bilbao and Osasuna (for historical reasons) must convert to an S.A.D., or Sociedad Anónima Deportiva - a public limited sports company - after staying in the league for more than a season. To be fair the rule was brought in on good faith and was aimed at discouraging the massive debt Spanish clubs seem so keen on enveloping themselves in, but simply did not take into account small, extremely well-run clubs like Eibar. Goes to show what a rarity they are.

5,250-capacity Ipurua, up in the mountains

     All of this means los Armeros, whose social capital is EUR422,253, have to raise EUR2,146,525 in order to be able to take their rightful place in La Liga next season. This leaves the club with roughly EUR1.7m to raise and only a matter of months in which to do it. If they can't raise the funds by early August they will be relegated back to the maelstrom that is Segunda División B. In order to make up this massive amount, the club has set up the defiendealeibar site, where people can buy shares at EUR50 (£40) each. This has been doing extremely well so far, but as there is a limit on how many shares an individual can buy, it will take a lot of interest for the club to make its target.
     It must be emphasised at this point that Eibar are not the only club to be affected by this law - Lugo and Mirandés were in the same situation last year and both managed to come through the other side. However, the two situations differ as neither of those two were on the verge of promotion (Lugo finished 11th and Mirandés 15th) and people have been incensed by the possibility that the best team in the league, which had only just been promoted from Segunda B the season before, could be relegated back there. 'Unfair' is a word that keeps cropping up, and it is indeed unfair that Eibar could be punished simply for being well-run while most of the other teams around them continue spunking money up the wall. Another way of looking at the blatant injustice of the situation is that it could in fact help Eibar: The other two clubs managed to raise their capital to meet the amount specified in the complicated workings set out in the Royal Decree even though they were unfashionable small clubs whose story did not make big news even in Spain, let alone internationally. Conversely, Eibar's story has been widely circulated to bellows of justified outrage, and so in theory it should prove easier for them to raise the necessary capital thanks to the goodwill of football fans both at home and abroad. Add World Cup winners Xabi Alonso and David Silva raising awareness of Eibar's plight (the pair both used to play for the Basque side on loan from their respective clubs) and fingers crossed Eibar will be a fixture in the Primera División calendar next season. Football paper Marca seems pretty sure they're up, often not even mentioning the precarious position Eibar finds itself in when it deigns to report on the Liga Adelante.

Celebrating now, but will they be
celebrating come August?

     Nonetheless, the problems would not stop there for Eibar were the football authorities to graciously accept them into the Primera. Four of the team that beat Lugo last week were players loaned from other clubs. Matchwinner in the last two games Jota is borrowed from Celta Vigo and will return to his parent club with his model girlfriend Jessica Bueno. A double shame for most supporters. Two-thirds of the players loaned in from Real Sociedad are set to leave Eibar for sure: Dani García and former Tottenham never-man Yuri Berchiche are leaving town and the future of Alain Eizmendi is up in the air at the moment. The winger Jose Luis Morales could return to Levante and although he'd obviously prefer to stay and go up with the team to La Liga, the Brazilian Gilvan Gomes previously agreed to return to Hércules. Perversely, the winger could yet be in the same boat as Eibar nonetheless, as he could have been going up but is instead going down - Hércules are four points from safety and therefore destined to finish stone-last in the Segunda. Many of the rest of the squad are at polar opposite ends of their playing careers, and one can imagine it will prove difficult to lure higher-profile 'names' to play in front of fewer than 5,000 fans week-in, week-out. But that's not how they do things in these parts anyway - the manager has previously stated that no player is bigger than the club and that is a phrase to which they are keen to stay true. In Gaizka Garitano's own words; "One thing is non-negotiable: we're all the same, there are no splits and anyone who does not share that view has no place here."

Eibar's other 'ascent'

     After the 1-0 win against Lugo, the Eibar players 'celebrated' their pending promotion (fund-raising notwithstanding!) by undertaking the gruelling Santuario de Arrate climb by bike. This is a 7.5km route that begins in the city and ends 535m higher above sea level. I don't know which sadist on the coaching staff came up with the idea but I can imagine that half-way up many of the players will have been wishing the league had relegated them after all!
     The donations keep dripping in bit by bit, and the club has so far raised nearly 72% of the necessary amount with 61 days remaining in which to raise the rest. Hopefully enough people who care about justice in football will come forward between now and then to ensure Eibar are playing at the level they have earned. Club president Alex Aranzabal flatly rejected the proposal that the club could be sold to outside investment, saying "we'd rather take the punishment and get demoted rather than share the soul of what SD Eibar is as a football club." Let us hope it does not come to that.

Anyone interested in helping SD Eibar by buying shares can do so via http://www.defiendealeibar.com/
Also to help, please retweet #defiendealeibar on the Twitter to help raise awareness.

Cholo - managing with a knife between his teeth

     Move aside Klopp, Guardiola and Mourinho; Diego Pablo Simeone is surely the hottest managerial property in the world right now. After the job he's done at Atlético Madrid, especially bearing in mind the state in which he found the club, only the most myopic of supporters would even attempt to argue otherwise. Sorry Tony Pulis. And sorry Brendan Rodgers. Although the Northern Irishman has performed admirably at Liverpool, his achievement of hauling them into second place with only one of the world's top 3 strikers and many millions of pounds at his disposal was dwarfed by that facing Cholo in Spain.

A young Cholo at Vélez

     Born in Buenos Aires to an amateur footballer father, Simeone began his illustrious playing career at the age of 17 with hometown club Vélez Sársfield. He had already picked up the nickname Cholo when youth-team coach Victorio Spinetto saw that his bustling style of play reminded him of Carmelo 'Cholo' Simeone (no relation). The young combative midfielder played well for El Fortín, featuring in 76 games with a respectable return of 14 goals, and earned the first of his 106 caps for Argentina at the age of 18 in a friendly against Australia.
     Twenty-year-old Cholo continued performing well domestically and eventually moved across the ocean to the promised land of European football to join ambitious newly-promoted Seria A side Pisa. Although the team were promptly relegated the next season, Simeone enjoyed more success internationally, winning the Copa América with Argentina in 1991. In addition to this, he also played in the teams that won the Confederations Cup in 1992 and 1993 (known then as the King Fahd Cup and Artemio Franchi Trophy respectively, just for shits and giggles) alongside the likes of Batistuta, Caniggia and a certain Diego Armando Maradona. Simeone's energetic and dogged style of play was noted around Europe and in the summer of '92 he was bought by Sevilla.
     He was not the only Argentine to pitch up in Seville that summer, the club spending a massive and ultimately ill-advised $7.5m to take a cocaine-shamed and well out of shape Diego Maradona from Napoli. Cholo's style could hardly have been any more different to that of his legendary but bloated countryman and he was far more instrumental in helping los Nervionenses to successive seventh and sixth place finishes.

With the Copa del Rey in '96

     In 1994, with another Copa América under his belt, Simeone left Andalucía to join Atlético Madrid, where the club only managed to avoid relegation with a draw on the very last day. The following season saw Luton Town legend Radomir Antić (who incidentally, pop quiz fans, is the only man to have managed Atleti, Real Madrid and Barcelona) installed as the new manager, and he added the likes of goalkeeping mainstay José Francisco Molina and goal-getter extraordinaire Lyuboslav Penev to a squad that already included José Luis Caminero, Juan Vizcaíno and non-jumping tall-man striker Kiko. Cholo drove this talented team onwards, and though Milinko Pantić may have been the playmaker in the side, its main man was Simeone. Los Colchoneros took the league by storm and belied their relegation form of the previous season to end 1996 not only as winners of the Copa del Rey, but also as La Liga champions for the first time since 1977. Quite apart from being the captain and heartbeat of this side, Simeone also scored the winning goal in the game that clinched the league title. Although the following season ended up trophyless for the capital club, Simeone kept his own shiny trinket cabinet topped up by winning an Olympic silver medal as one of three permitted overage players. Atleti's first foray into the Champions League the following season ended with them being knocked out in extra time by Ajax in the quarter-finals.
     Simeone returned to Serie A in 1997 for two seasons with Inter Milan, during which he won the UEFA Cup, and then joined Sven-Göran Eriksson's Argentine revolution at Lazio. A madly talented, free-flowing team in pastel blue that also included Juan Seba Verón, Néstor Sensini and Hernán Crespo won a rare Italian double of league and Coppa Italia in his first season in Rome, as well as the UEFA Supercup and, the following season, the Supercoppa Italia. During this time he also

That red card in '98

committed the act for which he is arguably still best known on these shores. The second round game between Argentina and England at World Cup France '98 had been pretty evenly balanced until Cholo, who described his style of play as "holding a knife between my teeth", went down like the proverbial sack of shit after Beckham childishly kicked out at him, managing to persuade busy referee-giraffe hybrid Kim Milton Nielsen to send the future Goldenballs off. It mostly goes forgotten that Simeone also had a big say in the opening goal of the match, bursting through the England defence after 5 minutes and 'making the most' of a slight brush from Seaman to earn Argentina a penalty. He also implored the referee for a card after this. Speaking of Beckham's sending off in 2002, Simeone explained; "I had tackled him, we both fell to the ground. As I was trying to stand up that was when he kicked me from behind. And I took advantage of that. And I think any person would have taken advantage of that in just the same way. Sometimes you get sent off, sometimes you don't. Unfortunately for the English team that time they lost a player. Anyway, you take advantage of all the opportunities you find in your life. If you don't take advantage of a chance that comes your way you are lost."

In his 2nd Atleti spell, here
with Torres (his captain)

     After four seasons in Italy, the battle-hardened Cholo returned to Atlético Madrid in 2003. Since his departure six years before, the team had fallen on hard times. Relegated in 2000, the side was rebuilt by Atleti legend Luis Aragonés with a young Fernando Torres the focal point of the attack, and returned to the Primera in 2002, finishing 11th in their first season back in the bigtime. Cholo did not taste the same success as he had the first time in the red and white stripes, and left in 2005 for one last playing position back in Argentina, with Racing Club.
     Simeone tells the story of how, after his last professional game on February 16, 2006, he spent half an hour in the shower trying to decide whether he really wanted to stay in football and become a manager. At least that's what he says he was doing... Either way, by the time he'd dried himself off, Cholo had decided he would indeed cross the white line and try his hand at this managerial lark.
    He took over the reins at Racing immediately, turning the team's fortunes around in just three months to bring an impressive end to the 2006 Clausura after its dodgy start. In May he left when ownership of the club changed hands and took over at Estudiantes within the month. Cholo led the La Plata club to one of the very few trophies in its history, collecting the 2006 Apertura title after beating Boca Juniors 2-1 in a playoff after the pair finished level on points. By December 2007 he had moved on from Estudiantes to Argentine giants River Plate, succeeding his former international manager Daniel Passarella. Although he remained for less than a full year, he still brought the 2008 Clausura title to los Millonarios. Nevertheless, he eventually handed in his resignation with River bottom of the table after 11 domestic games without a win. It was not until April 2009 that Cholo joined another Primera División team, San Lorenzo, where he would remain for almost exactly a year. He quit in April 2010 following poor results and increasing criticism of his tactics.
     After San Lorenzo, Simeone had some time out of the game before coming back to Europe to take over the reins at Sicily side Catania. The former tough-tackling midfielder was tasked with keeping Gli Elefanti in Serie A, which he achieved despite heavy odds. Mission accomplished at season's end, Cholo returned to Argentina and Racing, staying 'til the end of the year.

Back at Atleti for a third time

     Just two days before Christmas 2011, on December 23, Diego Simeone returned to Atlético Madrid for a third stint, this time as manager, replacing Gregorio Manzano. The team were languishing just four points off the relegation zone when he came in and were a shambles off the field - mired in debts of over half a billion euros. In order to stave off the creditors, the club had been forced to continually sell its prized playing assets. Just before the new manager's arrival, Atleti had been playing in front of a half-full Vicente Calderón stadium and even lost in the Copa del Rey to third-tier Albacete, and the new gaffer knew he had one hell of a job to rebuild the club as well as the team. But then he always did enjoy a challenge - on the field as well as off it. To begin with he made minor adjustments such as changing the colour of the nets in the goals - from black to match the team's red and white kit. He also began working on the players' mindsets as well as tactics on the training pitch. Cholo's motivational techniques are already public knowledge, and possibly the most well-known of these is his way of giving pre-match individual talks before the players go to bed, rationalising that "just like children, they listen best just before bedtime". I'll be frank; the image of the former bustling midfielder - still so energetic on the sidelines during games - wearing black and hunched over in a little chair next to players' beds reading them bedtime stories from his book of tactics before sleepy time leaves me slightly unnerved. Still, you can't knock the man's results..
     He also began to rework the team in his own image, getting them to play a high-pressing game, aggressively hunting after the ball non-stop and attacking as a unit. He has since explained that "It’s hard for me to interact with players who don’t give themselves completely. The weak don’t interest me." Expanding on the theme, he's stated that competition between teammates is the driving force which keeps his teams steaming forward, saying "There is only one form of motivation, the lifeline of any team: internal competition. If there is no competition between players, the team dies. It’s the only situation which strengthens the coach."

Gio Simeone after going through
a 'hazing' ritual at River

     Although he had always felt sure he'd return to Atlético after leaving in 2005, it took a lot for Simeone to leave Argentina this last time to do so. The offer to manage the club represented a dream to Cholo, but he knew it would mean leaving his family behind in his homeland. He did not want to keep uprooting them with every new job, and a move to Spain would put too much strain on them, he reasoned. Besides that, all three of his sons play at various levels for River Plate - Giovanni had just broken into the first team when los Rojiblancos called on his father to save them. Perhaps if his father had stayed in Argentina, young Gio's teammates would have been too afraid to shave half his hair off when he signed his first professional contract..

     Despite Atleti's poor position when he took over, Simeone's work with the squad yielded immediate results and they went unbeaten in his first seven games in the dugout, only losing 2-1 to Barcelona in the eighth. This was no 'new-manager bounce' however and Atleti continued to climb the table, eventually finishing fifth. The newly-positive team prospered in Europe also, with Cholo leading them to the Europa League final where they beat a young, fluid and highly-fancied Athletic Bilbao side, which had utterly outclassed Manchester United in an earlier round, 3-0.

Celebrating the 4-1 European Super
Cup demolition of Chelsea

     The following season began with a strong statement of intent, los Colchoneros smashing the shit out of a stunned Chelsea 4-1 in the UEFA Super Cup with Radamel Falcao helping himself to a 45 minute hat-trick. Although Simeone's charges drew the first Primera División game of the season 1-1 against Levante, they then won their next eight games on the spin, taking them to second place. They did not fall far off the pace the rest of the season and finished third, thereby qualifying for the Champions League the following year. Although Atleti conceded their Europa League crown in only the round of 32, the fans had much to celebrate come the season's end, having defeated the old enemy Real Madrid in the Copa del Rey final. A brutal game with 15 yellow cards (two becoming reds) required extra time to separate the teams, and gender-bendingly named Miranda eventually settled the game with a header from a corner. Points for originality there. This was Atleti's first victory over la Real going all the way back to 1999 - they had lost the last ten on the bounce - and was all the sweeter for the game being played at the Bernabéu.

Handing over the mantle;
Falcao and Costa

     Atlético Madrid suffered a huge loss at the beginning of the 2013-14 season when Falcao was sold to Monaco for a reported EUR60m. El Tigre had scored 34 goals in 41 games in all competitions and would be nigh-on impossible to replace. Atleti used some of the money to bring in all-time Spain top-scorer David Villa from Barcelona for around EUR5m, but he was 31 and had only scored 10 league goals for Barça the previous season. Instead of splurging more of those Falcao millions up front, Simeone trusted in Diego Costa to find the goals that had been eluding him - he also had 10 league goals to his name the previous season, and just 6 in 2010/11. The Argentine's trust evidently paid off as the big Brazilian Spanish striker stepped out of Falcao's shadow to bang in 35 wage-earners in 44 Primera División and Champions League games this season.
     Atleti's run to win the league and lose in the Champions League final and Copa del Rey semifinal to Real Madrid in 2014 was not based solely upon Diego Costa's goals, though. There's a strong will and team ethic that runs through this team. Simeone used fewer players than any of the other teams around him this season, and seven of the ten players with the most minutes played in La Liga over 2013/14 have been under his charge. Like many other Argentine and South American managers, his tactics mirror those of Marcelo Bielsa; pressuring teams high up the pitch and extremely early, never giving opponents a moment to dwell on the ball. Every win against Cholo's Atleti side has to be earned, they give away neither goals nor games cheaply. At least, not until those last few games of the season. Los Colchoneros did not lose to Real Madrid or Barcelona in the league whatsoever, and beat los Culés over two legs in the Champions League into the bargain. And yet despite a storming start to the league in which they won their first eight games, Atleti still found themselves in second. That's how crazy the level is at the top in Spain. No-one thought they had the staying power to challenge for the entire season; even Cholo said he was taking it "game by game".

Celebrating a successful and amazing season

"Game by game" was his answer every week at the post-match press conferences, "game by game" right to the end. Atlético did not hit the summit of the league until gameweek 22, and even then that was only for one week. The following week they dropped to third. But on matchday 29 they took first place again and were not dislodged until the 33rd minute of that infamous final game against Barcelona at Camp Nou. Of course, as history will relate, they believed in themselves and rallied superbly at the start of the second half to level through a smashing header from Diego Godín - the Uruguayan who was once transferred for less than the price of a pair of football boots but can now call himself a Primera División champion.
     The same player had given his team the lead against  Real Madrid in the Champions League final in Lisbon a week later, but heartbreakingly saw it cancelled out in the 93rd minute by a Sergio Ramos leveller. Los Blancos went on to claim their fabled Décima with a 4-1 victory, but Simeone was proud of his players in defeat, saying they had "given their all". And that's all he ever asks. After the game he said "People say that winning is the most important thing, but the support we've had from people tells you there's another side to it. I told my players that, when you've played as well as they did tonight, to keep their heads up and start thinking about next season. You can lose or you

The man(ager) in black

can win - this time it's our turn to lose and we know we've given it our all. People responded to what the team have done and that allows us to grow further and continue to compete." Nonetheless, he demonstrated his winner-takes-all mindset when describing his feelings about losing the final; "It's not sadness, it's bitterness. I feel bitter that I didn't reach our objective. I wish I could have won the way I wanted, but I couldn't - though I can overcome this. I know that, once you've given your all, there's other players and another match." In the end though, he said "the supporters should be proud of an excellent season, they shouldn't waste a single second being sad. Once you've given your all, you can't go around licking your wounds - you have to come back and compete next season, go around annoying other teams and being pests next year too."
     That was his plan this year - to be a pest to the big clubs. You can bet Atleti - and Cholo - will prove to be more than that next season, even if they do lose Courtois and Costa as expected. Atlético Madrid lost the 1974 European Cup final 4-0 to Bayern Munich in a replay after the first game ended 1-1 with the Bavarians equalising through a 40 yard wonder strike from signature collectors' favourite Hans-Georg Schwarzenbeck in the very last minute of extra time. Since that moment, Atleti were nicknamed El Pupas, or The Jinxed Ones. And since that time they've contrived to repeatedly shoot themselves in the foot and let their fans down in ever-more elaborate ways. Although they did lose the Champions League in that most typical of Atleti fashions this time around, they managed to repeatedly beat the so-called big teams all season and won an astounding and improbable league championship: Cholo has turned the mentality of the entire club around. They're now winners - and they play to win. Just like Cholo.