History men and the Coca-Cola hater - Wk8 (+ Clásico preview)

     Week eight didn't see too much change at either the top or the bottom of the table, the only shock - although it was a proper shock - was Valencia losing away to Deportivo. Though to be fair they did keep up their knack of being involved in games featuring three goals. The real action is to be awaited next week, with the arrival of the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu. Luis Suárez will expect to feature for the first time in La Liga, Messi will hope to finally equal - or beat - Telmo Zarra's all-time La Liga goalscoring record, and CR7 will aim to extend his ridiculous run of goals.
     But before all that, there was some league action to get out of the way. Barcelona eventually beat Eibar 3-0 but made heavier work of the game than they would have either wanted or expected against a resolute defence thanks to some poor finishing, and could have in fact gone in behind at the break after Ander Capa rounded Claudio Bravo only to inexplicably pull his finish wide of the unguarded net. The opening goal, when it came on the hour mark, was not scored by Messi but made by him, a delicately balanced pass dissecting the five-man defence and leaving Xavi with the task of lifting it over the 'keeper. Neymar then made the man between the sticks look very foolish thanks to his well-struck volley before history-man Messi scored his 250th Primera División

All-time top scorers; one behind Zarra

goal almost straight from kickoff. It was a typical Messi strike as he cavorted with tiny, whirling legs like a cartoon mouse through the fringes of the defence before playing a neat one-two with his strike partner and unerringly burying the ball in the far post. Nonetheless, the little man also showed a side of his characted hinted at previously by former manager Pep Guardiola, later refusing Luis Enrique's instructions to come off. This is the side of the man many in the #teamMessi camp try to gloss over, arguing that Ronaldo is the only selfish, petulant one. Books and their covers.
     For his part, CR7 continued his phenomenal scoring run, notching his 14th and 15th of the season in the 5-0 win at Levante - the first a penalty at a nice height that the 'keeper should have done better with, and the second coming just after the hour mark. Between these, Chicharito scored his third goal in all-white via the crossbar with a horribly mis-hit header, followed by James Rodríguez, with a fabulous chest and volley, and Isco making their marks. I don't know what goes on in the Madrid changing room (though unluckily I have a furtive imagination), but I reckon Ronaldo will not have been happy with Isco for planting the ball into the top corner from the edge of the box instead of passing to the unmarked Portuguese goal-eater to his right. No matter, CR7 still beat a 71-year record with his 15 goals in seven games averaging 2.14 per match, better than Esteban Echevarria's 14 in seven way back in 1943. The exciting thing, apart from being bang on form at exactly the right time, is that CR7 could well be on his way to beating Messi's record of 50 league goals in a season, barring injury. To be fair, he's never even injured anymore anyway.
     Real's victory moved them up to third thanks to Valencia's massive slip-up and first defeat of the season at the Riazor. This really was one game where the form book was well and truly ripped up. Los Che were looking good, hanging onto the shirttails of Barcelona in the Champions League spots atop the Primera División and had only dropped points twice all season, whereas Depor's solitary victory of the season came against fellow promoted side Eibar back in Week 3. The opening goal was freaky - not to be confused with the Spanish friki. Less than a month after scoring his first goal as a professional, José Gayá chalked up his first own-goal on Sunday. A devilish corner was bearded

Do not show this
to Lucas Pérez

into the box by Haris Medunjanin and headed goalwards only for the unfortunate left-back on the post to knock it just over the line with his arm after it rebounded off the inside of the stanchion. Well spotted by the linesman too, might I add. Coca-Cola hater Lucas Pérez doubled Depor's lead before halftime by racing onto a flick-on before finishing from an unseemly angle. He proceeded to demonstrate his distaste for sugary carbo-drinks by kicking the nearest Coca-Cola sign. He'd have kicked them all, given half the chance, but sanity prevailed and he went to celebrate with the fans - or at least those drinking water or orange juice. The rout was completed ten minutes from time when Toché scampered onto a beautiful through-ball to fire straight through hapless 'keeper Yoel. Luckily, by this time Pérez had been subbed off for former king Juan Carlos, and so the fans in the stands were able to triumphantly gambol about with their cans of fizzy pop, emptying them all over each other and generally creating a sticky mess. Which is why Pérez hates the stuff with such a passion in the first place.
     Sevilla managed to stay within touching distance of Barcelona courtesy of a professional win away at Elche. From just three shots on target all game against their determined hosts, Unai Emery's troops managed to bag two goals. After some pinballing around the area from a reasonably aimless freekick, Carlos 'wacky' Bacca bundled the ball over the line for the opener just before an hour had been played, with his teammates then strangely dissipating to the four separate corners of the ground to celebrate. Curious. Kévin Gameiro then made the points secure when he headed in Denis Suárez' cross just over ten minutes later, and I can happily report that the players celebrated in a more traditional manner, encroaching on their goalgetting teammate rather than running away as fast as possible. I dunno, maybe Bacca gets all Luiz Suárez-y after scoring? Who indeed can say.
     Atlético Madrid got back on track after their defeat to Valencia last time out by reverting to their original tried-and-trusted gameplan, eventually ousting Espanyol 2-0 at home. After 274 successive corners were cut out at the near post, the champions utterly bamboozled the defence with a short corner routine. Which didn't work. However, when the ball inevitably popped out of the area again it was duly slung straight back in, where Tiago rose highest to head the ball back across 'keeper Casilla (no 's') and into the bottom corner. Much huff was huffed and much puff puffed before Atleti managed to double their league in the 71st minute. Yet another corner led to much gnashing of teeth in the box before José Giménez smacked a header across goal. It may have been about to cross the line for the Uruguayan's first Atleti goal, but hometown kid Mario Suárez gleefully nipped in and took credit. Twelve Atleti players have now scored this season, so it appears they're all taking on the burden of replacing Diego Costa's goals.
     Real Sociedad's winless streak now stretches back a whole six weeks after they were defeated at home by Getafe, with a lot of help from their Star Wars star. Sociedad thought they had stolen a

Two goals for this fella

late winner thanks to youngster Pablo Hervías' first senior goal in the 82nd minute, but were cruelly denied any points whatsoever courtesy of two late, late goals from that little green man Yoda. First goal scored right on the cusp of 90, was. Calm finish too, it was, while second followed in third minute of three added on, much thanks to Sammir skill. Almería's uncertain form continued on the road at El Madrigal, where Ikechukwu Uche's second and third goals of the season for El Submarino Amarillo did for them. The goals were scored from a cumulative distance of about five yards, and he came very close to fucking up the second one completely, getting very lucky for the ball to bounce straight back to him off the 'keeper. Athletic Bilbao's European headaches continue as, even though they're one of the teams available on the demo of Pro Evolution Soccer '15, they remain winless in the league since Week 2. Things seemed to be looking up for the Basques when they took an early lead against Celta Vigo through an Aritz Aduriz penalty after a spot kick was awarded rather harshly for handball against former Barcelona yute Sergi Gómez. However, Celta Vigo have goal threats of their own, and they managed to haul themselves level when Nolito calmly tucked the ball into the corner of the net from inside the area, making it look far more straightforward than it actually was. The first game of the weekend was also the one which saw the fewest goals scored, as Granada eventually succumbed at home to Rayo Vallecano - the Madrid side collecting all three points in the 93rd minute through a strike from that "40-goal a season" wonder-forward Manucho. With his first goal for the club.
     And so attention turns to the first "Biggest Match in the World" of the season, with Barcelona visiting the Bernabéu on Saturday evening. The mad, mad goal spree Ronaldo's on comes face to face with Claudio Bravo, who is still yet to concede a solitary goal this season, while Toni Kroos, James Rodríguez, Ivan Rakitic, Jérémy Mathieu and Luis Suárez are all set to join the Barcelona 'keeper in experiencing their first taste of Clásico action. In good news for the home side, Ancelotti

More of this to come on Sat, no doubt

has confirmed that both Pepe and Sergio Ramos are fit to start at the base of the team, his eyebrow tapping out in Morse code to let the gathered reporters know he has already picked his line-up for Saturday's festivities. He didn't divulge any more, but Bale will almost definitely miss out after damaging an arse muscle - Lord only knows what monkey man's been up to. He'll almost definitely be replaced, as in the midweek stroll at Anfield, by Isco. The Andalucian looked on top form against Liverpool and will hope to keep that going into the biggest game of the season so far, although he could possibly be overlooked in favour of a more defensively-minded player. Ancelotti conceded both teams are far stronger in attack than defence and maintained that whoever attacks best will win, though his eyebrow piped up again to question why the game is kicking off at 6pm (local time), when "most people are still in the park". Methinks he's got a bit of an old-fashioned view of what people are up to. I mean kids don't even go outside any more or climb trees, do they? All with their flipping Gameboys and Tamagotchis...
     His opposite number will no doubt receive a 'warm' welcome from the partisan home crowd, with a lot of the build-up in the week focusing on 'turncoat' Luis Enrique. The main dilemma facing the former Madrid midfielder appears to be the decision whether to start with Luis Suárez or not. Messi and Neymar have finally hit it off on the pitch after a whole season playing together and the manager may be wary of introducing a new element, no matter how talented, immediately for such a big occasion. In addition, the little scrote's seriously short on game-time. On the other hand, the

All should play some part,
apart from the injured monkey boy

fact that the ratty striker hasn't played a proper game for the team yet could well play into Enrique's hands as Real Madrid won't be able to count on any scouting of how his team might line up, or what patterns of play will be employed. As here in the UK, the Spanish bookies are enjoying themselves with the return of Suárez, offering odds on who the peckish Uruguayan might nibble on first. Shortest odds, of course, are on him biting Ramos and Pepe - though I'm sure a great many attackers would admit they'd like to do the same after playing those two. Messi will surpass Telmo Zarra's all-time Primera División goalscoring record if he scores twice on Saturday, and Iniesta has said he'd "love to see the Bernabéu's reaction" if the Argentine were to achieve that feat.
     No matter what, it's sure not to be a boring game (I just pray I haven't jinxed it by saying that). So enjoy! Even if you do miss the first 15 minutes if tuning in on SkySports...

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Wayne (Bridge):
meaning;   an appliance in which foodstuffs are kept cool
example;   "Anyone need a fresh beer from the Wayne? I'm heading into the kitchen anyway."

Mark (Gower): although David can also be used on occasion
meaning;   a cubicle or bath in which a person stands under a spray of water to be washed
example;   "I'm well fucking muddy after that match. A quick Mark and I'm back off down the pub."

A running theme - Week7

     Every story worth its salt needs a good central theme running through the narrative, something to get the reader to care and keep them emotionally invested as the author takes off down numerous other tangents throughout the journey. Last season's central narrative of La Liga was Atlético usurping the Big Two and upsetting all the odds. Yes, all of them. This year, several different narratives are jostling for the main focus of the fans and viewing public. Yet again Barcelona kept a clean sheet (and won), Valencia scored three goals, Málaga had a man sent off, Córdoba didn't pick up three points and Cristiano Ronaldo scored a hattrick. The more things change the more they stay the same. No planes carrying love-notes for CR7 though, sadly. We can only hope they make cameo reappearances through the season.
     The weekend began with Getafe hosting winless and rock-bottom Córdoba at the Coliseum Alfonso Pérez. The away team had only managed to bag three goals in the six games before Friday night, but took the lead towards the end of a pretty poor game when the wonderfully-monikered Patrick Claude Ekeng Ekeng seized on a loose piece of miscontrol and powered into the area in the 78th minute. The defensive midfielder completely ignored Nabil Ghilas - who was

"Motherfuckerrrrrr!!!"

in a far better position than him - and slammed the ball across the 'keeper into the far corner. Los Califas will have to wait a while longer for their first three point haul though after the on-loan Baba Diawara stole in ahead of the defence to capitalise on a lovely volleyed pass from Sergio Escudero. The Córdoba players looked in vain to the linesman for an offside flag, while manager Albert Ferrer lost it on the touchline, slamming his bottle of water to the ground and yelling an obscenity. Frankly, we don't see that enough from managers nowadays if you ask me. 'Arry Redknapp could learn a thing or twelve.
     The biggest game on Saturday saw Atlético visit the Mestalla to take on high-flying Valencia. The reigning champions had yet to lose a game this season as they hunted to stay on the shirttails of the Barcelona juggernaut but they imploded in a big way here. Before the game was a quarter of an hour old Cholo Simeone's troops found themselves 3-0 down. Miranda has scored a large percentage of Atleti's goals this season, but he will be eager to forget about the most recent as he calamitously notched at the wrong end to put los Che 1-0 up in just the sixth minute. A nothing ball towards no-one from Everton reject and World Cup 2014 winner Shkrodan Mustafi was set to be gathered by Atleti 'keeper Miguel Ángel Moyà before Miranda stole in to head past his teammate. It seems Cholo's trained the big Brazilian to score so naturally that he does it at every opportunity; there's really no other explanation for his brainfart otherwise. The capital team went for it straight from the resulting kickoff, but instead found themselves two down within a matter of seconds, André Gomes finishing powerfully through the legs of Moyà after waltzing through various powderpuff challenges. One can only imagine what Cholo would've liked to do to his players after those 120 seconds as the cameras cut to his highly unimpressed fizzog on the touchline, barely-concealed rage bubbling close to the surface. I'll bet his players wished he was still banned from the touchline after they were then undone by one of their own tactics on 13 minutes, Nicolás Otamendi being left completely unmarked to slam home a header from countryman Pablo Piatti's inswinging corner. Mario Mandzukic, now sans mask, pulled back a consolation for Atleti on the half hour mark, nutting the ball in the net after Valencia 'keeper Diego Alves spilled a shot from Tiago in front of the looming striker. The game could've been different had the referee awarded Atleti a penalty for handball soon after,

Even the ref wants to celebrate with him

but in truth Alves would've probably saved it anyway. He got his chance on the brink of half time though, after the ref relented and decided to help Cholo out with the award of a very dubious pen, for handball against José Gayá. Diego Alves is well known as a penalty specialist, but in truth my nan could've been in goal wearing a blindfold and she'd have had a 50% chance of saving Guilherme Siquera's feeble effort. Nonetheless, Alves has now saved an incredible 13 penalties in La Liga. Another player using his hands on Saturday - to markedly less good effect (less good? worse?) - was Alessio Cerci. The former Championship Manager wunderkind, already on a booking, controlled a ball on his arm to tee himself up for a goal in injury time, then tried scampering away from the referee after his attempt had been chalked off. As always happens, the long arm of the law eventually caught up with the Italian and issued him with his second yellow. Silly, silly boy. I do not envy him whatsoever, judging by the stony set to Cholo's jaw as the official blew the final whistle.
     Red cards are definitely the most prominent feature of Málaga's season this year and Saturday's Derby of eastern Andalucía against Granada was no exception with Marcos Angeleri this time pouring himself an early bath on 73 minutes. Los Boquerones had been a goal behind since the very first minute of the game, when Youssef Al-Arabi pounced on an awful attempted save by Idriss Carlos Kameni to continue his run of scoring against this opposition. He's now got five goals in his last three games against Granada's rival. The Málaga #1 raged at his defence as he retrieved the ball from his net but can only blame himself for what was a very poor imitation of goalkeeping. The hosts equalised through Roque Santa Cruz on the hour mark before former Sunderland man Angeleri received his marching orders following a professional foul 12 minutes later. The 10 men were given a lifeline just over 10 minutes from time when the referee awarded an extremely harsh penalty for handball against former Málaga man Manuel Iturra. Left-back Vitorino Antunes took a short run-up and sent the 'keeper the wrong way. I'd consider that quite a let-off.
     At Vallecas, Barcelona continued their calm dissemination of the league with a 2-0 win over Rayo Vallecano. However, the Catalan giants are obviously relying heavily on certain players to score, with the goals being shared between only six squad members. Messi and Neymar have bagged 13 of the team's 19 goals this season with Pedro, Ivan Rakitic, Sandro and Munir sharing the rest between them. Everything is still rosy at the other end though, with Claudio Bravo setting a new Primera División record in the 21st minute of this game by opening the season

Seems Bravo's gloves do have
magical powers...

without conceding a goal in the first 561 minutes of action. However, he still has some way to go to beat the record for most consecutive minutes without conceding overall, which belongs to Atlético Madrid's Abel Resino, who kept out everything thrown at him for an astonishing 1,275 consecutive minutes of league action during the 1990-91 season. Barcelona's big two up front both scored again on the weekend; the wee Argentine maestro opened the scoring in the 35th minute after chasing on to a typical Barcelona long ball from the back to dink superbly over the 'keeper, a lead that was doubled just seconds later as another long punt picked out Munir, who played in Neymar to saunter into the area and finish diagonally. Keeping up the theme of red cards, Rayo did not help themselves by finishing with nine men on the pitch after Jorge Morcillo and Javier Aquino picked up a pair of yellows each. Messi was unusually profligate during this game, but nonetheless finds himself only two goals from overtaking Telmo Zarra's Primera División all-time goalscoring record of 251. LFP president Javier Tebas aims to honour the occasion when the Flea finally manages this feat - even if that happens to be when Barça take on Real Madrid in the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu on October 25. Possibly disregarding Real Madrid fans' obvious feelings on the matter, Tebas said; "Why should we not honour Messi at the Bernabéu? The league cannot overlook Messi. He deserves a tribute, we have to do something (for him)."
     Real Madrid finally moved into the top four on Sunday with a 5-0 demolition of Athletic Bilbao. The visitors are on abject form this season, not helped by the rigours of European football, but such was the dominance of Madrid's attacking talents that most sides would have crumbled in similar fashion. Cristiano Ronaldo scored his third hattrick in the last four La Liga

Ronaldo - honk honk

games and in so doing moved level with legends Alfredo di Stéfano and Telmo Zarra in scoring three or more Primera División goals on 22 occasions. The third was slightly fortunate as the ball appeared to strike the Portuguese's elbow to wrongfoot Gorka Iraizoz, but CR7 wheeled away to celebrate regardless by pretending to honk the tits of a 10-foot tall giantess as he periodically does. The other two were scored by Karim Benzema, and a couple were set up once more by newly-anointed Welsh Footballer of the Year 2014 Gareth Bale, the fourth time he has picked up the gong in the past five years - which sees him overtake clueless manager Mark Hughes and Yossi Benayoun enthusiast John Hartson in one fell swoop. Iker Casillas retained his position betwixt the sticks for this game, but debates about his suitability as #1 are taking place on a national as well as club level, with many calling on David de Gea to be given the gloves for La Furia Roja. San Iker has shouldered a lot of the blame for Spain's shock 2-1 defeat against Slovakia after he was deceived by the slightest movement in the air for the first goal, although what gets quickly forgotten is that he pulled off an amazing save just minutes before that disaster, throwing out a paw to bat away a close-range shot when he was going the other way. Such is the thankless life of the goalkeeper, I suppose.
     Deportivo remain stone bottom of the league after travelling the length of the country only to be schooled 4-1 at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán by Sevilla. Coconut-headed emotional basketcase Stéphane Mbia even managed to bag a brace - and you know things aren't going your way if that happens against you. The man with the smallest waist in Spanish football marked both by going into some sort of fit - either that or it was some idiot savant kind of attempt at the Macarena. Whatever, the man needs to work out his celebrations if he's going to keep scoring while he's in

Mbia - haring off to celebrate with
awful 'moves'

Spain. You don't get anywhere with half-hearted attempts. Thanking God/Allah/Buddah/Sepp Blatter? That's just fine. Cartoonishly groping giant invisible womens' breasts? Knock yerself out. Having every member of your team walk the entire length of the pitch to pat you on the head? Hm, I'll allow it, Barca, but must. work. harder. Haris Medunjanin ensured his beard got another weekend's airing in the match highlights by equalising through a nicely crafted free kick on the half hour before Carlos Bacca stopped running the wrong way just long enough to drill the ball home before the first half came to a close. Mbia's second attempt at dancing then followed just before the hour mark, before Vitolo nearly managed to miss even though no-one was near him and the 'keeper was already on his arse in the goalmouth. Still, at least his miscued blast went in, unlike Carlos Bacca's weak-ass penalty a few minutes later which, although placed low and towards the corner of the goal, was saved by the Argentinean Germán Lux.
     In the rest of the games, there were some 1,000 empty seats (about a fifth of the stadium) for the riproaring 3-3 draw between Eibar and Levante which the home team levelled in the very last minute through the endeavour of Federico Piovaccari after conceding in just the second minute. In pissing down conditions, the game also saw clearly the best goal of the weekend and an early contender for goal of the season, Saúl smashing home on the volley from the edge of the area after being teed up from a free kick. Staying in the north, Celta Vigo had the first loss of the season imposed on them by Villarreal at Balaídos, Moi Gómez scoring two in two first half minutes just after the half hour. Vigo pulled one back through Joaquín Larrivey but had Andreu Fontas sent off before Mario wrapped the game up with a tap-in in injury time. The only thing to note from the 2-2 draw between Almería and Elche was the awful decision-making on show; from the defenders, the goalkeepers and the ref. Really, 'twas quite amateur.
     There now follows a week's break while the players go and meet up with their friends for international footballings. I myself shall be using this time to jet to Warsaw to take in the Poland games against Germany and Scotchland. I've assured the missus there should be no trouble in the first game - after all, it's not as if Poland and Germany have any history, is it?

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Rodney (Marsh):
meaning;   cruel, disagreeable, severe
example;  "The ref game him a second yellow for his goal celebration? That's well Rodney."

Damien (Duff):
meaning;   incubating a child for nine months
example;  "I told him to use protection but he didn't listen and now he's got her up the Damien."

Week6 - Clean sheet o'clock

     It's something I don't think I've ever seen before (no not that - I'll be going to the doctor's with that tomorrow...). Looking down the results from Week 6 in La Liga there was only one game out of all ten played in which both teams scored, where Real Sociedad held Valencia to a 1-1 draw at Anoeta, while two games produced no goals whatsoever.
     Despite fielding a partial 'B' side, Barcelona extended their run of clean sheets to a sixth successive game in beating Granada 6-0 on Saturday night. Xavi was restored to the line-up and took back captaincy, playing behind a pacy front three of Messi, Neymar and young madrileño Munir El Haddadi. Granada played solidly for the opening 25 minutes but shot themselves in the

"My ball" - Neymar likes footballs

foot when Hector Yuste played a blind and lazy pass straight to Neymar, who gratefully bounded onto it and scored via a deflection off the foot of Martinique international Jean-Sylvain Babin. The Catalan giants then slipped into gear, Ivan Rakitic and Neymar again scoring on the cusp of half time leading to more understated celebrations. Just after the hour mark Messi notched his 400th goal for the club, nodding in following an absolute peach of a volleyed cross from Dani Alves. The dwarfish forward later grabbed his 401st Blaugrana goal after Neymar had completed his hat-trick, rounding the now visibly irate Roberto in the Granada goal after seizing on an abject piece of miscontrol by the hapless (and misspelt) Jeison Murillo.

     Goal-machine to some, flat-track bully to others, CR7 always tries to keep up with his scruffy rival in the history stakes and this weekend equalled a 60-year record by scoring his tenth league goal in just the sixth game of the season - even more impressive bearing in mind he did not partake in one of those. Those of a mathematical bent will work out that Ronaldo is therefore averaging two goals a game. He becomes the first Real Madrid player to reach this landmark, equalling the record

Man Utd fans' planes queuing
up to fly to Spain

set by László Kubala for Barcelona in 1953 and Pahiño for Deportivo the following year. An interesting fact to add is that neither man actually won the Pichichi in those years, beaten by legends Telmo Zarra and Alfredo di Stéfano respectively. Nonetheless, CR7 is now far and away the favourite to claim the crown this season, in spite of the innumerable flocks of planes being hired by deluded Manchester United fans to fly over Real games proclaiming their love for Cristiano. Turns out that it's not been a strike by French pilots that's made things a bit iffy in the air over there of late - it's been the sheer numbers of planes shuttling from UK airports to Spanish airspace, trailing long banners festooned with love poems to Ronaldo. Those United fans really should get a life/get real/support their local team etc etc. The noise of the planes circling overhead notwithstanding, Luka Modric opened the scoring for Madrid at El Madrigal just after the half hour mark with an instinctive snapshot from the edge of the box, meaning that none his goals in Spain have been scored inside the area still. Iker Casillas reclaimed his place between the sticks and was made to work for his clean sheet, which he was lucky to keep intact after a decent double-save ended up at the feet of Ikechukwu Uche with the goal at his mercy. The Villarreal man will have thrown all TVs and the internet out of his house after the game, so desperate will he be to avoid seeing his miss again.
     It seems there's some ungenltemanly stuff going on down on the Costa del Sol. Most teams in La Liga have not suffered any red cards whatsoever, but Javi Gracia's Málaga side have now had to play

Probably best not to say anything...

with a man disadvantage in four of their six games. Weligton was the guilty party this time after picking up two yellows against Getafe. 'Croatian' midfieldsman Sammir must have been taking tips from Real Madrid's game last week and should feel ashamed of himself for the flagrant simulation which saw the Málaga veteran given his marching orders. Javi Gracia was at a loss to explain the high number of reds, walking around the streets outside the Alfonso Pérez stadium after the match professing aloud to anyone who'd listen "I would ask why referees find it so easy to send off Málaga players," perhaps momentarily forgetting the same player's face-grab on Messi just a couple of short days before. Regardless, the game was done and dusted long before that, Míchel Herrero scoring in the 25th minute before los Azulones proceeded to lay siege to the away goal for the rest of the match.
     Some excellent saves and goal-line clearances at Anoeta, where Valencia lost top spot after being held by Real Sociedad. Both 'keepers had an extremely busy day but were helped out by teammates on the few occasions on which the ball evaded them. Los Che took the lead against the run of play when Paco Alcácer showed he's not only a goal-getter, intelligently heading down for Carles Gil to calmly stroke home for his first goal for his hometown club. This was cancelled out rather fortuitously 20 minutes later as one-time great white hope of Spanish football and former Valencia man Sergio Canales notched against his old side.
     Inspired by the return of Diego Simeone to the dugout at the Vicente Calderón, Atlético Madrid

Cholo finishing off his sandwich
for the cameras.

moved level with Valencia courtesy of a 4-0 rout of Sevilla, who slip to fourth. Koke opened the scoring before the game was 20 minutes old, his long-range shot spinning up and over the 'keeper via a deflection off Nicolás Pareja. Driven on by the now-freed Cholo prowling on the touchline and presumably marking his territory by pissing on the water bottles, Atleti then reverted to type. The goals began to go in from deadballs. First Saúl Ñíguez finished off a well-practiced move just before half time, before Raúls García and Jiménez put the game to bed through a penalty and header from a free kick in the last ten minutes.
     Celta Vigo kept up their assault on the top 6 with a 1-0 win at Elche, Nolito leaving it extremely late to score in the very last minute. Eibar cemented their place as the top team in the Basque Country following a 0-0 draw at rivals Athletic Bilbao's San Mamés cathedral. The visitors had more fans in the stadium (over 2,000) than they averaged during all their home games in the Segunda B league (1,500), and in fact now have a waiting list for new members for the first time. Almería remain the second highest-ranked Andalucian team out of five after they won away at Deportivo thanks to an injury time winner from Édgar Méndez. Down in the fledgling relegation zone, Levante have still only scored one goal this season and went down pretty tamely at home to Rayo Vallecano courtesy of a brace from Léo Baptistão, who most definitely has rediscovered his scoring boots. Turns out he forgot them in the Rayo locker room when he left to join Atleti last season. Levante are kept off bottom spot by Córdoba, who still remain winless this season after drawing 0-0 with Espanyol at Nuevo Arcángel despite demonstrating far more attacking intent than the visitors.

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Shaun (Goater)
description:  a particularly large, buoyant piece of excrement
example:  "I'd give trap six a miss mate, someone's left a right Shaun in there."

Robin (van Persie)
description:  used in a phrase to denote that a situation had appeared in control, but was wasted
example:  "I really couldn't tell you how he missed that, he had the goal at his Robin."

Week5 - Falling down, moving up

     Week 4 ran from Friday to Monday, Week 5 ran between Tuesday and Thursday, and Week 6 will begin on Friday and run 'til Sunday. That's ten whole days of league football back to back, muthafuckazz. A whole lot can change when every team plays three times in a week and a half. Two-thirds of the way through this treble-header and some records have gone, while others have been strengthened. Barcelona still haven't conceded a goal - but dropped the league's only 100% record with a goalless draw against Málaga at La Rosaleda - another Atleti victory was secured via a centre-back's forehead and Levante picked up their first win of the season. The biggest turnaround has been at Real Madrid, who entered this frenzied ten day run with Casillas and Ancelotti's eyebrow under pressure following two consecutive demoralising defeats, but have since scored 13 in the last two games.
     On the sixth consecutive day of football, Málaga welcomed the imperious Barcelona for an evening game. I say evening but really it was a night game seeing as it kicked off at 10pm local time, which helps explain why there were some 5,000 empty seats for the visit of the Catalan pass-control behemoth. Barça didn't look great and did not even manage to register a single shot on target. In fact they were indebted to 'keeper Claudio Bravo's reactions when he pushed a well-

"What's that, little man?"

struck near-post free kick from Liverpool misfit and former Barcelona B striker Luis Alberto onto the post. The jitters extended even to Messi, the diminutive Argentine ending up on the floor after being face-grabbed by Boquerones defender Weligton. The Brazilian had taken exception to the shorter man calling him a "son of a bitch," a cuss that carries more weight in Spain than in England. Sticks and stones, and all that. Gerard Piqué and his friends thought the actions deserved a red card, but the former Man Utd. defender instead received a yellow for his protestations, which I'm sure will have cheered him up no end. In actual fact, it would be fair to say Málaga can be more disappointed with the draw than the visitors. Barcelona could have come away with a point fewer than they did but for some admirably honest play from the Málaga forwards. Twice they were clipped inside the box and twice they refused to go down and claim a penalty, instead ploughing on in an attempt to score. Nice corinthian play, that.
     The same categorically cannot be said of Ronaldo & Co in their 5-1 defeat of Elche the previous night. On the week he entered the top ten list of all-time Primera División goalscorers, CR7 also committed the second-most cringeworthy dive seen outside of a Barcelona shirt in quite a while.

CR7 and Marcelo's pitiful dives

It was only beaten by Marcelo's painfully embarrassing flop earlier in the same game. Really, they should introduce retrospective punishment to stop these shameful shenanigans. Both players flung themselves to the ground without even the merest suggestion of contact, and both got awarded penalties. These were both taken by CR7 whose two other strikes in the game took his tally for the season to nine goals in just four games. He's scored seven goals in 72 hours. I could quite easily do that too. In fact, watch... ... ... there. I just scored seven in like ten seconds. I suppose Ronaldo was hampered somewhat by the fact he only played 180 minutes over those 72 hours though, and that there were other players about to tackle/pass to/pretend to fall over. He's now scored 187 goals in 169 league games for Madrid. Quite, quite ridiculous numbers, which render his dive in this game even more pathetic. Bale, with his new European hairdo, scored the opener for Real in the 20th minute - the 3,000th Primera División goal scored at the Bernabéu by los Blancos. The Welshman's header, his fourth strike in five games, not only ruffled his new locks but served as the equaliser after Elche had dared take the lead with a penalty by captain Edu Albácar, given against Ronaldo. What can you say, the guy just likes penalties! Iker Casillas sat on the bench watching this one, but afterwards congratulated rival Keylor Navas on his debut. On Friday morning, though, Ancelotti's eyebrow pointed at San Iker when asked which 'keeper would be starting against Villarreal on the weekend.

Note the #9 on the side, to differentiate
him from all the other masked footballers

     Like CR7, another player on the Pichichi trail is Atlético Madrid centre-back Miranda. The Liga champions are now in third place, two points behind leaders Barcelona, despite struggling for goals from open play. They've scored seven in their five games and Miranda now accounts for three of those after he escaped his marker and nodded home at the near post from a corner on the hour mark. Diego Godín has chipped in with one goal as well this season, meaning the centre-back pairing have gobbled up more than half the goals scored by los Colchoneros. Without Miranda's goals, Atleti would be five points worse off, which would place them in 10th place rather than on the coattails of the Barcelona groove machine. The good news is that Mario Mandzukic is on his way back from the broken nose sustained against Olympiakos in the Champions League - but he'll be wearing one of those fetching masks upon his return.
     Sevilla were Barcelona's closest challengers before the Thursday night games, level on points with the Catalans having won four on the spin since their opening day draw with Valencia. A goal from Gerard Deulofeu, on loan from Barça and left completely unmarked in the area to side-foot into the roof of the net, secured a 1-0 win at home to Real Sociedad, whose solitary 3-point haul of the season remains that resounding win against Real Madrid all the way back in Week 2.

Not that one...

     Levante managed to haul themselves from the bottom of the table courtesy of a hard-fought 1-0 win away at Granada. Rubén García scored a quite wonderful goal following a mesmerising, jinking run through the opposition midfield and defence. Picture Maradona's goal against England. No not that one - the good one. While it wasn't quite on that level, it was still an excellent run and goal. He finished from further out than el Diego as well. The defeat was the first of the season for the hosts. Levante's win takes them to 16th, leapfrogging Athletic Bilbao who are looking a pale imitation of themselves. Los Leones have looked more like pussycats this season, registering just one win and four defeats. The latest of these came in the capital against Rayo Vallecano despite taking the lead rather fortuitously in the 21st minute; Aritz Aduriz finishing off a move from close range when two previous passes had looked borderline offside. The hosts pulled level following a calamitous mistake from Bilbao 'keeper Gorka Iraizoz, who seemingly opened a hole in his chest to allow a simple-looking low cross to squirm through him, presenting former Rayo youth Léo Baptistão - now on loan from cross-town rivals Atleti - with the simplest of finishes. The Brazilian caused Vallecas to erupt when he clinched a last-minute winner, arriving from deep to power a header straight at Iraizoz that was too hot for the 'keeper to hold onto, leaving the striker with his second tap-in of the day. I'd like to think he paid the Bilbao man at least a fiver for his two assists.
     Eibar picked up a point at the tiny but picturesque Ipurua against Villarreal, taking the lead before the game was in double figures after a bit of pinballing around the penalty area, Mikel Arruabarrena scoring his first-ever top flight goal. Denis Cheryshev, on loan from Real Madrid, was at the heart of everything good Villarreal attempted, once dinking the crossbar with a delightful chip in the first half, and in the second producing a driving run from midfield that would've resulted in a penalty had he chosen to go down under contact rather than going back at the defender with a shoulder-barge. Good to see, but I'm sure he'll get coached out of it once he returns to the capital. Nonetheless the equaliser, when it came, had nothing to do with the Russian - Gerard Moreno curling in from the edge of the area, tantalisingly out of the reach of Xabi Irureta.
     At a raucous Balaídos, fellow promoted club Deportivo took on Celta Vigo in the first Derbi Galego in a couple of years. The home team hadn't won a derby game against their rivals in four games stretching back to April 2007, but things started badly for the newly-promoted Dépor when Nolito proceeded unchallenged into the area and placed a shot inside the unguarded near post in just the fourth minute. Deportivo rallied and came back into the match in the second half when Isaac Cuenca, who's summoned some facial hair from somewhere, levelled ten minutes after the break despite the attentions of Hugo Mallo. Parity didn't last though, and new boy Joaquin Larrivey rose highest to smack Nolito's corner home with his face before ripping off his shirt and careering

Likes to score - Larrivey

around the stadium with wild abandon. Do people still say 'with wild abandon'? No? Either way, he looked like he enjoyed that one nearly as much as the fans in the stands. Late drama ensued, however, after Dépor were given a way back into the game with a penalty for handball by Gustavo Cabral right on the cusp of full time. Haris Medunjanin duly swiped his beard at the spot kick and sent it to the 'keepers left, but it was at a nice height and Sergio Álvarez flung himself full-length (he's not that tall for a 'keeper) and raised himself to hero status by parrying the shot away, sending the crowd absolutely chicken oriental. Vigo remain unbeaten this season.
     On Thursday night Espanyol kept up their record of scoring in every game as they vanquished Getafe 2-0 at Cornellà-El Prat. Sergio García, who still looks weird without his gypsy ponytail, stole in to open the scoring and accept the plaudits, but the goal was all about the pass from Salva Sevilla - a beautifully chipped half-volley pass over the defence leaving García with just the 'keeper to beat. Christian Stuani later grabbed his second goal in a week to ensure the three points went to the Barcelona team, scoring at the second time of asking through a very accommodating crowd of three defenders and the hapless 'keeper.

Valencia's
favourite number

     And so to the last game of the week, ending a matter of hours before the first game of the next week was scheduled to begin. Valencia had scored three goals in every game this season apart from the opener against Sevilla - Shirley they couldn't do it again, for the fourth game in a row? Of course they bloody could, fool. Damn your eyes and curse your socks for doubting them. 3-0 for the second game in a row; this time they tonked newly-promoted Córdoba. New scoring sensation Paco Alcácer set los Che on their way in the 22nd minute with a deft header from a lovely cross by Sofiane Feghouli, who absolutely roasted Córdoba left-back José Ángel Crespo. His Valencia counterpart José Gayá had a much better time of it, doubling the score and notching his first professional goal five minutes later with a rasping drive that went straight through the 'keeper like a dangerously undercooked chicken curry from the night before on a hungover Sunday morning. We've all been there. Feghouli then rounded off the scoring with a precise finish from the edge of the box and celebrated by pulling a muscle in his leg. Seems stupid to me but no doubt kids'll soon start copying it. You'll see loads of 'em lying down in playgrounds with one leg in the air after scoring. And FYI - you should stop looking in at childrens' playgrounds like that. People get suspicious.
     Valencia now sit smugly atop the Primera División rankings on goal difference from Barcelona and Sevilla; the first time they've been top of the tree since the fourth gameweek of season 2011/12. They're looking good value for it too, three goals and three points at a time.

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

     A new section I'm introducing for this season is called Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang, as you will have perhaps guessed from the title. Basically, it's a spin on cockney rhyming slang, only using footballers' names. Or sometimes random well-known sportsmen. They have to be reasonably well-known so listeners can work out the meaning from the context, as the speaker leaves out the actual rhyming part. So we'll start with a simple couple as this is the first week;

Demba/Ibrahim (Ba)

description;  place in a pub from where drinks are served.

example;  "Cor, I'm thirsty. Go on it's your round, get to the Demba ya cheapskate."

Courtney (Pitt)

description;  faeces/the act of expelling faeces.

example;  "Come on mate, hurry up in there - I'm dying for a Courtney."

Goals. Lots and lots of lovely goals.

Plush. As. Fuck.

     Ok, ok, I missed the start of the season by a long shot, but I've been busy. I've been doing stuff etc. I even went on a reconnaissance mission (holiday) to Málaga and rocked up at La Rosaleda. Pity it was the day after they'd played. And pity the game had been away at Valencia in any case. But they do sell nice beach towels there - I mean, I didn't buy one but they seemed soft enough. I suppose that's the kind of thing that happens to your club when big money comes in; branded beach towels suddenly become much more important than supporters had previously realised. When I used to live in Málaga I never saw such plush team beach towels on sale. Ah well, progress of a sort I suppose someone will argue.
     So to recap the first few weeks in La Liga very quickly, Barcelona won every week by scoring more goals than the opposition. In fact, they still at time of writing haven't conceded even one. Stingy gits. Ivan Rakitic has of course started like a cat on fire (or something like that, I can't think of a better simile at the moment) and Neymar has managed to pick himself off the floor following his exertions single-handedly dragging his country through the World Cup all those months ago. Messi is Messi of course, but so far has been changing games more through method of assist than goal, though he scored two in the opening day 3-0 victory over Elche. It does rather look like his team are already geared towards Luis Suárez starting up front, with Messi playing more of a support role than previously.

Understated celebration - Arda Turan

     Defending champions Atlético Madrid endured a messy opening day across town at Rayo Vallecano, dropping two points in a scoreless draw, but picked up to narrowly beat Eibar 2-1 before deservedly sweeping aside Real Madrid more convincingly, albeit by the same scoreline. Their main source of goals, now Diego Costa has left for pastures Chelsea, has been set piece deliveries won by one of their impressive defenders. Up front, Mario Mandzukic will need a bit of time to find his feet (not an easy task when you're as tall as he is), but conversely, the team will have to learn an entirely new system of playing to their striker's strengths, which are different from their departed Spaniard/Brazilian.
     European champions Real Madrid started in disarray, and although it seems ridiculous to say mere months after delivering La Décima that the entire club has been craving, Ancelotti and his enthusiastic eyebrow find themselves under pressure already. And he's not the only one. Iker Casillas has been whistled, booed and jeered by sections of his own supporters, and his form seems to have deserted him. Keylor Navas continues to wait in the wings and his shadow only looms larger over San Iker. One gets the feeling that were Casillas to lose his place there might be a very long road back ahead of him, if at all. Before last weekend, Real had conceded the highest number of goals in the Primera División, so although CR7 is leading the Pichichi race as usual, with a barely conceivable nine goals in just four games, his team have dropped as many points as they've gained. A tight 2-0 win over Córdoba was followed by a staggering 4-2 reverse at Real Sociedad - a game in which they'd been cruising and 2-0 up after 11 minutes, only to later implode spectacularly. And all while wearing that haemmorage-inducing pink kit as well. Gawd help us.

Goalscorer Bacca, looking remarkably
like he's playing for Cardiff

     Sevilla are sitting pretty in the Champions League places, their only dropped points coming in the first week against Valencia and even then only due to an 88th minute equaliser from Lucas Orbán on his debut. Carlos 'wacky' Bacca is still hot on the goals trail and continues making defences up and down the country paranoid, as well as lazy and a bit peckish. Los Che, meanwhile, are also hanging onto the tails of leaders Barcelona after scoring three goals in three successive games following the stalemate at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán, new Spain striker Paco Alcácer proving their version of Carlos Bacca.
     Of the promoted clubs, everyone's favourite minnows Eibar are enjoying life in La Liga for the first time and are ensconced in the top half, los Armeros having recorded two wins and two losses so far. Deportivo La Coruña sit in 13th, their only victory so far having come against Eibar, while Córdoba find themselves second from bottom with just 2 points. Levante prop everyone else up following one draw (0-0 at Málaga) out of their opening four games, with no goals scored.

Gameweek 4

Lots and LOTS of these over the weekend

     If you were bored on the weekend and looking for goals, La Liga was the place to find 'em. A total of 42 of the little blighters were counted across the ten games, at an average (I'd like to showcase my astounding powers of mathematics here) of 4.2 per game. There were no 0-0s whatsoever - the closest we came to one was Granada beating Athletic Bilbao at the new San Mamés 1-0 through the gleefully misspelt Jhon Córdoba. Some games were close (Atleti 2-2 Celta de Vigo, with two goals for the big men from the back for the reigning champions), and some were not so close (Córdoba 1-3 Sevilla). There were mad comebacks from behind (Villarreal 4-2 Rayo, with el Submarino Amarillo coming back from 2-0 down inside the opening half hour) and some last minute drama (Espanyol 2-2 Málaga, with Espanyol retaking the lead in the 88th minute through Christian Stuani before los Boquerones levelled through a 93rd minute Duda freekick).

Yaaay, goals! We likes goals!

     Barcelona kept yet another clean sheet and achieved a manolito at the other end, beating Levante 5-0 with goals from Neymar, Rakitic, youngster Sandro Ramírez, former youngster Pedro and of course Messi, although the Flea untypically missed a penalty earlier in the game. For their part, Real Madrid looked to put to bed a lot of the disaffection that had been creeping into the fanbase with an 8-2 mauling of Dépor at the Riazor. CR7 helped himself to a hattrick while Bale and late substitute Chicharito grabbed a brace each and James Rodríguez rounded off the scorers. Dangerously-bearded Haris Medunjanin and Toché grabbed the consolation goals for not-so-Superdépor, who were nonetheless raucously supported by their fans. Fair play to 'em.

     In the rest of the games, Almería won 2-1 at Sociedad, new boys Eibar beat Elche 2-0 and Valencia continued scoring in threes, defeating Getafe 3-0.

     Due to the wholly random way the Spanish football authorities run the game over there, Gameweek 4 ran pretty much into Gameweek 5, which is already half-way through, and will in turn run straight into Gameweek 6, so not much of a let-off for me after a few weeks being out of practice. I don't get paid well enough for this. I could tell you that Celta beat Deportivo 2-1 in the Galician derby to move up to 5th in the table after small goalkeeper Sergio saved an 88th minute penalty from Medunjanin, or that Cristiano Ronaldo is now quite ridiculously the tenth-highest goalscorer in Primera history after he scored four in Real's 5-1 victory at home to Elche, or that Bale took second place in the Pichichi competition with his fourth of the season, or even that Keylor Navas finally displaced Iker Casillas between the sticks. But I shan't, 'cos that'd be cheating - I'm only talking about Gameweek 4 here. Gameweeks 5 and 6 next time, have some patience for Chrissakes! Normal service to resume as of next week, scout's honour.

Im going, and I'm taking my ball with me

Radio silence

The blog has been quiet over the first few weeks of the season, but I can assure regular readers (hello, good sir!) that this has nothing to do with Real Madrid's atrocious start. I've been busy is all. I went to Málaga and fully intended to do a live write-up of a game, but they ended up playing away at Valencia the week I was there instead, so I will have to probably wait 'til next year for my next trip to La Rosaleda :(

Don't fret, however! I pledge the blog will be back from next week. You can continue with your live(s) unperturbed now, safe in the knowledge that I'll be watching a lot of Spanish football and writing a load of cobblers about it from next week again. I might even throw in a new addition for this season - Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang TM

Hasta pronto, Edár

La Liga summer transfers - pt 2

     Oh yes, transfer news lovers. Part two of the rip-roaring, gum-peeling transfer round-up is here. I don't dabble in transfer gossip as I'm a QPR fan and have been subjected to a few hundred too many made up stories over my lifetime to believe any tittle-tattle whatsoever. In my time this has included a photo of Roberto bleeding Baggio leaving Loftus Road, purportedly after having signed. Needless to say, utter transfer bollockery :\ So there, that's why you're getting new news and old news rather than all the juicy goss that's floating around the top echelons of the interweb thanks to imagination-merchants such as the Daily Mail...

Getafe

Getafe Yoda have signed

     The Madrid side was another one of many to finish 'comfortably' mid-table, while realistically ending up hovering only 3 points above relegated Osasuna. After losing 'keeper Moyà to Atlético, they've done the same as their cross-town rivals and strengthened between the sticks with two gloved men. 'Strengthened' may be a bit of a strong word though, seeing as they've brought in Valencia #2 Vicente Guaita and lower-league veteran Jonathan López from Greek side Veria.

     In midfield, manager Cosmin Contra has borrowed a couple of geezers he's heard good things about - Míchel from Valencia and Colombian Fredy Hinestroza from La Equitad in his homeland. The most exciting news for Azulones fans is that the Romanian gaffer has managed to persuade a genuinely stellar name to join, going back to his homeland to pinch Yoda from Astra Giurgiu - Karim Yoda. Much merriment will there be, and many riffs on his name too, no doubt, over the season coming. French midfielder of Ivorian descent he is.

Granada

     Wily gaffer Joaquín Caparrós has been busy over the summer months (while the rest of us were watching the World Cup) in a bid to strengthen the side and improve on last season's 15th place finish. He's lost the services of Yacine Brahimi following his impressive showing in the Shiny Cup in Brazil, the Algerian attacker joining Porto for EUR6.5m.

Babin & Larsson - friends already

     Caparrós has yet to strengthen el Graná's front line, but has added across the midfield, bringing in one-time Sweden international Daniel Larsson from Valladolid along with a trio of loans. These are Javi Márques from Mallorca, Juan Carlos - who has been at Braga since 2011 but never played a game for them - and Abdoul Sissoko, who similarly has been at Udinese since 2011 and not played once. Oier Olazábal has been brought in from Barcelona for an unspecified amount to provide competition between the sticks and Martinique international Jean-Sylvain Babin from Alcorcón to do likwise among the centre-backs. Dani Benítez has been on loan at the club from Udinese since 2009, but may find playing time harder to come by this season after testing positive for cocaine earlier in the year. At least this goes some way to explaining his volatile behaviour on the pitch.

Levante

Painted that himself - Martins

     The Valencian side finished tenth last season, well clear of the drop zone but a disappointing end considering their improbable European push the previous year. Manager José Luis Mendilibar has not been particularly busy so far, with more outgoings than incomings, but those he has added to the squad could serve the team well.

     He's loaned in defensive midfielder Víctor Pérez from Valladolid, but it's with the permanent signings where excitement could lie. After impressing on loan at Vitória Setúbal in Portugal last season with 15 goals in 38 games, Brazilian striker Rafael Martins has joined from Audax Sao Paulo. He's been a bit hit and miss over his career thus far but could prove to be a good addition. Further to that, les Granotes have secured the scribble of former promising midfielder Jaime Gavilán from Getafe on a free.

Málaga

     New manager Javi Gracia will be expected to improve upon the team's 11th place finish last term, but it's anyone's guess how much money he'll be given to do that. Owner Sheikh Abdulla al-Thani bought the club in 2010 and made big noises about rivaling the Big Two, but appeared to get cold feet as soon as the team was eventually put out of the Champions League in its debut season

Loving the flag - Luis Alberto

by Borussia Dortmund at the quarter-final stage.

     Málaga's main problem last season was finding the back of the net, given that even the relegated sides all nearly scored as many as them. Little has been done to lighten the burden on Roque Santa Cruz's shoulders though. Luis Alberto proved a massive disappointment upon joining Liverpool last season but has been loaned in partly to do that job for los Boquerones. Portugal U20 winger Ricardo Horta has joined from Vitória Setúbal and the back-line has been reinforced with the additions of powerhouse mini Ivorian left-back Arthur Boka from Stuttgart on a free and Roberto Rosales from Twente on the other side of the defence - the latter being the very first Venezuelan to score in the Champions League, fact fans.

More fans expected behind him at the
start of the new season - Ochoa

     The really big news for los Boquerones though is the signing of Mexican 'keeper/saviour Guillermo Ochoa, who was one of the stars of the World Cup. And on a free if you please! I do wonder, though, whether talks had been going on previously. I had thought it extremely strange that Málaga elected to let Willy go to Man City for EUR8m given how integral he'd been to the team, but if they had already been looking at Ochoa then the move starts to make sense. Softly softly and all that.

Rayo Vallecano

     Los Vallecanos finished just behind their more moneyed southern counterparts last season, but every year promises to be a struggle for the little working-class club. Frankly, money is always an issue. Every year they end up having to sell or even let go players to raise funds, and every year loan in a load to make up the numbers. Will any of this year's crop of newbies be the next Michu? Only time, and a shitload of goals, will tell.

Kakuta's latest new shirt

     Notably fewer loan transfers in this time around, possibly due to better players being available on the free transfer scene. The only incoming loanee (so far at least), is Gaël Kakuta from Chelsea, who's Shirley another one of those that's destined to never actually get a proper run with his actual employers (6 games in 5 years and counting). Defensively, manager Paco Jémez has added Antonio Amaya from Real Betis, who comes in for his second stint with the Madrid side, Jorge Morcillo from Recreativo and Diego Aguirre from Toledo, all without any money changing hands whatsoever.

     Ahead of them will feature much-travelled Ghanian Derek Boateng, who joins on a free after failing to impress at Fulham, the interestingly-monikered Jozabed from Jaén and the vastly underwhelming Alejandro Pozuelo, who joins from Swansea for an undisclosed fee. I pray they didn't actually pay much more than his plane fare. Real Madrid Castilla winger Quini has also joined on a free, although Rayo may have possibly stumped up his bus fare across town.

40 goals a season? Easy - Manucho

     Forward Álex Moreno (from Mallorca) is not the only addition to the attacking line-up. Pull your socks up and prepare to have them blown off - 40-goal-a-season striker Manucho has arrived! On a free, no less! The Manchester United super-flop promised Valladolid fans 40 goals per year upon signing a five-year deal there in 2009, and then promptly went out and notched just 5 over his whole first season. In fact the egg-faced Angolan only managed 14 in his whole time at Estadio Nuevo José Zorrilla. Sounds like the African Nicklas Bendtner.

Real Madrid

     In the exciting three-horse race last season that I can't see being repeated again for an extremely long time (the Primera División never goes right to the last day!), Real Madrid blinked first and ended up finishing third. Out of the three contenders at the end of the season, los Blancos have lost the least amount of talent, with just Nuri Sahin completing his move back to Borussia Dortmund for EUR7m after last season's loan and, more regretfully, Álvaro Morata joining fellow Spaniard Fernando Llorente in the Juvenus front line. There's two ways of looking at this; one could say Real have managed to wangle EUR20m for a permanent sub; or one could be of the opinion that they've lost a promising, home-grown talent before he'd matured into the footballer he's capable of becoming. I'd go with the latter.

James - pronounced James

     Of course, not much needs to be said of Real's completed purchases this summer, so I won't. World Cup golden boot winner and player of the tournament (the whole world and his dog knows that accolade should never have gone to Messi) James - pronounced James - Rodríguez became the fourth-most expensive player of all time upon completion of his move from Monaco for EUR80m. A truly excellent signing, but I struggle to see how Ancelotti's eyebrow will manage to fit all his attacking pieces together even if, as expected, Ángel di María is moved on. That still leaves Isco, who I would be loath to lose. Perhaps the best thing for the Andalucían would be a loan move, but where would he play next season - none of Real's attackers are exactly old.

"Watch me fuck this out the
stadium" - Kroos

     Other outfield signing Toni Kroos came for a more palatable EUR20m, but he was only 'cut-price' because his contract runs out at the end of the season. So still a pretty expensive transfer. The German had the best passing stats at the World Cup, and will be seen as a successor to Xabi Alonso. Nevertheless, the holding midfield role is now well overstocked with those two able to play there in addition to Asier Illarramendi, Luka Modric and Sami Khedira, the latter of whom at least is sure to move on.

     Ancelotti's eyebrow even has the problem of being overstocked in goal. He accepts that last season's time-share between binman Diego López and national icon, hero and increasingly butter-fingered Iker Casillas didn't work, and has come out and said San Iker will be his #1 this year. This sounds like López will be on his way out, but what it means for the incoming Keylor Navas is anyone's guess. EUR10m for one of the standout 'keepers at the World Cup is no small change, and the Costa Rican will surely not be happy if, after his excellent competition and leaving behind top spot at Levante, he finds himself warming the bench for large swathes of the season.

Real Sociedad

     The Txuriurdin finished in the Europa League places last time out after scoring more goals than anyone outside the top five. Unfortunately, as we are seeing domestically with Southampton, any measure of success for 'smaller' clubs means their best players get cherry-picked by bigger fish

A painful sight for Sociedad eyes - Griezmann

with more money. Twas ever thus. This is how Sociedad find themselves shorn of their stars from both ends of the pitch. French wing wizard Antoine Griezmann has been a class player for a number of seasons and has continued to improve, leading up to his starring role for les Bleus at the World Cup this summer. Last season was his best yet, helping drag Sociedad into Europe by scoring 16 goals in 34 league games. He will prove nigh-on impossible to replace. At the other end, the excellent Claudio Bravo has been snapped up by bigger fish Barcelona for EUR15m after an impressive season and more than solid showing at the World Cup for Chile. Although Swiss striker Haris Seferovic looked good in Brazil, he is not such a big loss for the Basques - he only managed to bag 2 goals in 24 games in the Primera before joining Eintracht Frankfurt.

"Hang on, let me finish getting changed"
- Finnbogason

     Sociedad have taken a punt on Gerónimo Rulli to replace Bravo. Not only does he possess a most excellent name for a goalkeeper, he is young and comes on loan from hometown club Estudiantes, in La Plata. They've also brought in a proven goal-getter up front, Alfreð Finnbogason joining from Heerenveen for EUR8m. The signing of the Icelandic international could really go either way, as although he's scored 53 goals in 65 games since first pulling on the shirt in 2012, we've seen similar numbers before from the Eredivisie - Afonso Alves anyone? Still, he was the league's top scorer with 29 in 32 last year for a team that finished fifth so there may be hope for him. In fact, he was the continent's third-highest scorer - behind only Luis Suárez and CR7 across Europe's top leagues. QPR flop Esteban Granero has also joined after somehow impressing enough while on loan last season. El Pirata had apparently shown incredibly high fitness levels while in pre-season mode back in West London, which will come as good news to Sociedad after he suffered a cruciate ligament injury for them in the Champions League last season which kept him out for around half a year.

Sevilla

     Los Nervionenses finished in fifth last time out, but were assured of a Europa League place regardless after winning the trophy, beating Benfica on penalties. Losing Ivan Rakitic will be a massive blow for the Seville team - he really was absolutely instrumental in everything good about the side last year. They've also lost Diego Perotti, the Argentine moving to Italy to join Genoa. Barcelona B forward Denis Suárez has joined on loan as part of the deal which took Rakitic the other way, but the former Man City youth is still a prospect, and Sevilla will be relying more on the other, more senior players they've brought in, of which there are a fair few I think it's fair to say.

Synchronised crouching - Aspas & Barbosa

     While he was a huge player for Almería, Aleix Vidal will not be the man to fill the boots of Rakitic in the Sevilla midfield. The tall Catalan is more a winger than a creator, but is a shrewd acquisition nonetheless, especially at only EUR3m. Adding steel to the midfield will be Polish deep-sitter Grzegorz Krychowiak, who joins from Stade Reims for EUR5m, while adding the same in the back-line will be Alejandro Arribas, who shuffles across from relegated Osasuna on a free. The club have also taken up the option to make Daniel Carriço's loan move from Reading permanent for EUR1.8m. Manager Unai Emery has also strengthened in the goalkeeping department, Mariano Barbosa joining on a free from Las Palmas to provide competition to incumbent Beto. Emery also moved early to secure the loan signing of Liverpool misfit Iago Aspas. This is a no-risk move seeing as it's just a loan, but if the manager manages to coax the same performances out of the onion-headed forward that he used to give at Celta Vigo then he will provide added goals up front. Big 'if' though, considering the player's shoddy performances on Merseyside.

Valencia

     Los Che finished a whole ten points adrift of the final European places last term, a far cry from their former position as the yearly winner of the 'other league' behind Real Madrid and Barcelona. New manager Nuno, in just his second top job, will be tasked with breaking back into the top echelons of the league, which may prove tough considering the strengthening carried out at rival clubs and the monetary situation at the Mestalla. It will not help him that senior players have been sold over his head, full-backs Jérémy Mathieu and Juan Bernat leaving for Barcelona and Bayern Munich respectively, while defensive monster Ricardo Costa has left by mutual consent, taking up the offer of a final payday with Qatari club Al-Sailiya.

Seemingly happy to be back in Spain - Rodrigo

     In the hope of adding more goals up top, Nuno has bought Rodrigo from Benfica - or more pertinently from private company Meriton Capital Limited, to whom the Portuguese side sold 100% of the striker's economic rights back in January for EUR30m. Less complicated were the moves which saw Argentine winger Rodrigo De Paul move to Valencia for a reported EUR4.7m from Racing Club in his homeland, and Portugal U21 midfielder André Gomes switch on loan from Benfica. Another drawn out move has seen Argentina centre-back Nicolás Otamendi finally link up with the squad following his EUR12m move from Porto at the start of the year - he's been on loan at Atlético Mineiro for the past six months.

Villarreal

Good one, I see what you did there
- Jonathan dos Santos

     On its first season back in the Primera División following a year slumming it one step below, Villarreal really impressed and ended up finishing in sixth, thereby qualifying for Thursday nights on Channel 5. They were good value for it as well, not dipping outside the top 7 places once throughout the entire season. El Submarino Amarillo seem determined to improve even on this lofty position, and have set about strengthening the squad with a host of players.

     Up front, Argentina U20 attacker Luciano Vietto has joined from Racing Club, a relative coup seeing as the youngster was previously fancied by the likes of Arsenal and Liverpool. Russian winger Denis Cheryshev has joined on loan from Real Madrid B while Serbian right-back Antonio Rukavina moves from Valladolid on a free. Moves were set in place early for the transfer of two prospects from Barcelona as well; midfielder Javier Espinosa joining on a season-long loan from the B team and, in a happy story to end the round-up, Jonathan dos Santos joining brother Giovani once more after EUR2m passed hands.

    

So there you have it, that's all the transfers up to date, with as much correct info about price etc as I could muster given my notoriously short attention-span. No doubt there will be twice as many transfers again completed by the time the window is carefully closed - most definitely not slammed shut - but there's nowt I can do about that. Still, the fledgling season is but two weeks away, so chin up! If you're lucky I may do a bit of predicting ahead of the new season - something that would no doubt come back and bite me on the arse come season's end when it turns out I've predicted the table completely upside down.